being bi is not a free pass to cheat

[biblkman]

I posted this on another site Monday and got no replies, I guess a lot of bi men get upset or turned off or frustrated at the idea of not fucking around..........

I am a 35 year old bi black/latino man. I have struggled with my sexuality since I was a kid. I first acted on my bisexuality when I was 22 it was one time (I was still in denial). And once again when I was 32, it was then I realized I was bi, but I was in a relationship with my lady and I cheated. She has forgiving me and has accepted my bisexuality. But just because she accepts it doesn't give me a pass to sleep with men. It's like this.....if your girl is skinny and weres a b cup and you have always been attracted to that kind of woman and that's the kind of girl you date....but as time goes by you realize your attracted to thick women with fat twats and d size breasts also.....and let's say she knows and accepts it.....just cuz she accepts that you like that kind of women too does not mean she has to accept you sleeping with that kind of woman. A lot of men think that just because there wives or girlfriends accept there bisexuality that they should accept his urges and accept him sleepping with that kind of woman. A lot of men think that just because there wives or girlfriends accept there bisexuality that they should accept his urges and accept him sleeping with men...WRONG. I have cheated...although it helped me come to terms with who I am...it is wrong to cheat. If your in a relationship, don't cheat, find an outlet, talk to your woman see if she is ok with you having sex with a man on occasion, or if she is down for a 3sum, if she's not and your outlet isn't working, ie, porn, chat, forums, or counseling and the urge is just too strong DON'T CHEAT, end the relationship or marrige.

P.S. my lady and I had split for awhile when I created my profile......just haven't gotton around to changing it....in case you were wondering.

[ramcat6576]

All depends on your situation,I love my wife but she must be A sexual,,Great marriage,Awsome sex,,BUT,Awsome sex only comes about once every 6 weeks,she knows I am Bi,I have been working on a pass,getting closer but not yet..She is not with anyone else,asked her about a 3 some,she freaked,so i guess she is not looking for another dick,it is just the way she is..well i go crazy within that 6 week waiting period,,ready to fuck anything that moves..maybe i can control my Biness,if she put out more..I have to cheat every now and then or go crazy,i can only jerk off so many times..LOL..I am looking for a steady friend to keep it clean,hate messing around with different people...

[NjbiGuy01]

Wow Ram, wish you were closer....NNJ near NYC here... hope you find someone. I'm in the same basic boat...

[bibottom30064]

My wife has been aware of my bisexuality for over 30 years. Twenty tears ago I offered her a divorce so I could be with men at my will. She refused and knows I entertain married men as often as I can.

So not exactly cheating but I still play when I want. We also are active together but her needs are far lower than mine.

[fpb09]

That's the truth , when i find my better half ! I want them to know I'm bi & share my life with them, that way they know & trust whom I'm with at all times! :)

[sterculius]

Like most of the people here, I agree with this position in principle, but the devil is in the details. I'm married to a wonderful woman that I love dearly but who I know would be horrified if she knew of my obsessive need to perform oral sex on other men. Because I feel no emotional connection to the (carefully screened) men to whom I give blowjobs, I honestly don't see this as "cheating" in the classic sense, just another thing that I do "with the guys" like fishing or playing cards. But I do feel extremely guilty for the deception and lack of candor required.

[swmnkdinthervr]

I'm married to a wonderful lady that thankfully is accepting of my bisexual interests, I was totally honest with her from early in our relationship. She is so wonderful in fact that in no way can I consider lying or being deceitful to her at all. The mere fact that she has accepted/supported my needs from beginning to end is enough to guarantee my total honesty.

She has rewarded that honesty by joining me in my exploration, that a payback for total trust!!!

IF in my mind you are so unhappy with your sexual situation that you are willing to lie/deceive or otherwise gamble with the foundation of your relationship you need to make a tough choice or two. Above all else you be honest with him/her and let them know your feelings/needs, they may freak out, leave, accept what was already sensed, take a while to grasp the whole situation or whatever their reaction is.

IF you must pursue having sex outside your marriage you need to be willing to accept the consequences of your choice but don't take his/her safety/security away from them without their knowledge, if you MUST have "it" be willing to give your partner up if that's the cost of your need! Remember, you're not just gambling with their feelings but possibly their health/life too!!!

[bizel]

boy, has this thread hit the nail on the head for me. i read of bi hubby's 'fooling around' behind their wives backs.and was trying to get my head around it cos it sounds like it's something my hubby is torn over. he can't give me any reassurances, has offered to end our relationship cos he doesn't want me hurt. i've had contact from lovely bi guys who have mentioned they 'get lucky' and go home, and sometimes tell the wife, sometimes don't. i wonder how their wives cope when they know. how can they simply shrug it off when something so intimate has happened so casually and they weren't involved? it must hurt on some level. i read ldd's comment 'what generally does happen is a change in you. it's like the chains are broken off, you are free of the cage and suddenly, every body is fair game for you and your sexual desires and that is where suddenly your partner is left in the corner'.
it sent a chill through me. it's like he has a new toy and is addicted and can't stop playing with it. what does that mean for me as a wife? i had told him it's cheating if he doesn't let me know when he's meeting someone. i also tried to explain that having random sex with guys while we're together, is no different to him having random sex with girls. i understand there is a 'need' attached to this, but i think it needs to be clear that when it's a 'want', it's not a good enough excuse to act on. i support acting on needs, not wants. from a guy's point of view, is that 'do-able'? sex can be such a massive driving force for guys. don't get me wrong. i have a powerful sex drive, and he's my release, and what a release he is! maybe that's also part of it. i find sharing my toy very difficult. i don't care how funky we get together, cos it's between him and me only. i don't have that drive with any other person. why can't a lot of guys see it from their partner's point of view? would they feel so casual about it, if they were treated the same way?

[mzkitty75]

i also understand the cheating .... my husband believes that is not cheating if it is with the same sex only if it is with another woman.... confuseded

[bi42guy1958]

That's the truth , when i find my better half ! I want them to know I'm bi & share my life with them, that way they know & trust whom I'm with at all times! :)

Well all I can say is be very sure. I told my now ex wife shortly after getting serious, said she was OK with it, but as it turned out she really wasn't. So now you understand the ex part.

[Mr GNG]

Well said biblman!

I totally agree with you biblman. I could never be deceitful or dishonest to the person I chose to marry, make a commitment too, to give all my love too and spend the rest of my life with. If you can’t be open and honest with the person you have made this commitment to then your marriage is a lie, Harsh but true. It’s the deceit that hurts and ends marriages more than the act for most partners that have been cheated on.
Be honest to yourself and give your partner the respect and honesty they deserve.

[MrBisex]

I guess everybody have different reasons for being married.

But I do think it is a must that your partner knows about your bi sexuality, so you have the option to be with someone of the same sex and that your partner to have the option to be in the relationship or stop it.

It is never right to cheat.

I think it is a better relationship if both partners a bisexuals that way there will be a mutual understanding and perhaps even some serious sex fun :-)

[nuthugger]

I agree about cheating. I do cyber and satisfy my sexual needs. I guess it may still be cheating, in its own way but she is to valuable to me to loose. I don't think that a bi desire is a moral issue. I'M DONG THE BEST i CAN TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND. We confuse morality with desire. I think being bi is a hard road to travel and sometimes the desire is so over welllming.

[tenni]

I do not think that cheating is the best solution to any issue. There are a lot of better approaches generally regardless of the situation.

However, I do not believe in absolutes when it comes to bisexuality or a couple of other situations.

I don't understand what the OP meant by stating that his girlfriend accepted his bisexuality? From my perspective, if a heterosexual partner truly accepts your bisexuality, it is my opinion that they would accept some form of same sex activity from their partner. There may be expectations about any same sex activity but not rejection of such an activity. I do not completely believe that this girlfriend seems to understand or accept the OP's bisexuality or is it the OP doesn't accept his bisexuality either?

[darkeyes]

I don't understand what the OP meant by stating that his girlfriend accepted his bisexuality? From my perspective, if a heterosexual partner truly accepts your bisexuality, it is my opinion that they would accept some form of same sex activity from their partner. There may be expectations about any same sex activity but not rejection of such an activity. I do not completely believe that this girlfriend seems to understand or accept the OP's bisexuality or is it the OP doesn't accept his bisexuality either?

Tenni, it is not a prerequisite in any relationship thateither or noth parties because of their sexuality have to either accept participation in their partner or participate in sexual activity themselves with anyone whatever their sexuality.. my mother accepts my father lusts after many women, and my father that my mother does quite the same thing about men.. but neither intends to stray the nest.. that may be a heterosexual relationship but it is no more incumbent on a person of a different sexuality to feel any differently about themselves or their partner.. you make assumptions which are not necessarily the reality of a relationship.. you know where my sexuality lies.. my partner accepts it just as i do hers.. that we have a relationship that works because I have accepted what she wants from me vis a vis my sexuality and my fidelity.. it is me who has moved to her position even although I would rather it was other.. in other areas of our lives we all move toward each others position in one way or other..sometimes there is a proper compromise but sometimes things are of such import that compromise is impossible.. the area of where one wishes to have s free and open sex life, and the other for whatever reason does not is one such area someone has to give way absolutely and therefore it is impossible for both to get what they want.. so we come down to what we are prepared to sacrifice for the person with whom we are in love.. everything comes down to how much we wish to hold on to what and who we have..

Because Tenni, we would prefer our partner to adopt our position does not mean we do not understand theirs.. it means that the person who we love and the things we have together far outweigh the issue where the difference exists. It means that where no compromise is possible... and compromise is not always possible.. then what we feel determines what we do.. and determines what happens to that relationship for good or ill.. where no compromise is possible, it is not a case of winning and losing and not understanding.. it is a case of what both may lose should one partner not give way.. I gain far, far more from my decision to live as I do than I have ever lost by agreeing to my partners wishes.. and that is why I am as I am.. my sex and sexuality is not everything to me.. Kate and my family is.. and I have lived life without them.. no thank you very much.. it is not an experience I wish to repeat..

[tenni]

darkeyes
I do not see your parents "lusting" after an opposite sexed person as a clear enough equivalent to a heterosexual person "accepting" their bisexual partner. Two heterosexuals comparing something has more common ground than a heterosexual(or two gays) and bisexual. You are comparing apples and oranges to some extent. The heterosexual partner does not have to actually participate in any same sex activity with the bisexual if that is what you meant?

I do not think that the heterosexual person needs to accept their partner's bisexuality either. That is their choice and decisions. I don't think that a bisexual person can expect a heterosexual person to "adopt our position" (not sure what "our position is btw). It isn't about a compromise but an acceptance that the bisexual may participate in same sex activity and the heterosexual person is not threatened by such actions. A bisexual may have a better chance of acceptance from another bisexual than a monosexual ( gay or heterosexual)?

Perhaps the word is "acknowledges" the person's bisexuality and add to that that the partner will not reject them just because they have same sex attraction?

All of the factors about "compromise", exclusive monogamy or some form of polyamour, whether remaining or leaving a heterosexual relationship, who or what wins or loses, are there but I think that to "accept" is quite different than to tolerate and acknowledge.

I do not think that to "tolerate and acknowledge" is the same as to "understand and accept". Then again, this is semantical me writing...lol Give me another twenty years and maybe I'll figure it out.

Somewhere in there I do have to wonder if heterosexual mainstream society's concepts about relationships make it difficult for heterosexuals and bisexuals to be in relationships together.

[AidanS57]

darkeyes
I do not see your parents "lusting" after an opposite sexed person as a clear enough equivalent to a heterosexual person "accepting" their bisexual partner. Two heterosexuals comparing something has more common ground than a heterosexual(or two gays) and bisexual. You are comparing apples and oranges to some extent. The heterosexual partner does not have to actually participate in any same sex activity with the bisexual if that is what you meant?

I do not think that the heterosexual person needs to accept their partner's bisexuality either. That is their choice and decisions. I don't think that a bisexual person can expect a heterosexual person to "adopt our position" (not sure what "our position is btw). It isn't about a compromise but an acceptance that the bisexual may participate in same sex activity and the heterosexual person is not threatened by such actions. A bisexual may have a better chance of acceptance from another bisexual than a monosexual ( gay or heterosexual)?

Perhaps the word is "acknowledges" the person's bisexuality and add to that that the partner will not reject them just because they have same sex attraction?

All of the factors about "compromise", exclusive monogamy or some form of polyamour, whether remaining or leaving a heterosexual relationship, who or what wins or loses, are there but I think that to "accept" is quite different than to tolerate and acknowledge.

I do not think that to "tolerate and acknowledge" is the same as to "understand and accept". Then again, this is semantical me writing...lol Give me another twenty years and maybe I'll figure it out.

Somewhere in there I do have to wonder if heterosexual mainstream society's concepts about relationships make it difficult for heterosexuals and bisexuals to be in relationships together.

What a load of horseshit. I completely agree with the OP on his OPINION that being bisexual is not a free pass to cheat.

Sexuality has not a damned thing to do with the ability of one human being to be faithful to another. It's a matter of commitment and, to some extent, honor. The only thing that makes it difficult for alternate sexualities to have a relationship is the bigots that make an issue out of it and try to tell people how they should behave. There is nothing that says any partner has to accept another partners cheating. You go into a relationship with clear understandings of what is mutually agreed upon. You do not go into a relationship and announce "I'm bisexual, you're a doormat. Be here when I get back from fucking Ted, Jim and Tommy and be in bed and if I'm not too tired then you can fuck me too, I might even wash my dick off if you are lucky"

You get into a relationship and you know what is acceptable and what isn't to your mate, if you can't agree on what is acceptable then you end the relationship. That's all that was said by the OP. All to often on here I see people posting about how they love their partners, how their partner means everything to them.... but I just want to play around. It's not fair to the partner that stays at home wondering where the person they love is. It's simply someone being a fucking coward and not telling their partner their true feelings. Some people get very lucky, they find someone that not only allows them to play, but participates as well. Some find that just having a partner who understands, yes I said understands, makes them more able to deal with the bisexual urges in other ways.

All in all, I think it's amusing as hell to watch you implode, Tenni. Do keep it up, I'll start popcorn and curl up on the couch to watch the pretty fireworks.

Aidan

[Mr GNG]

My wife and I have been together for coming up to 21 years, like all developing relationships you learn new things about each other over time, life experiences unfold, people grow and change with it. Although we never discussed our sexuality in the early days we were both very open-minded about such things. We have always assumed each other as idle curious, and have briefly touched upon the issue but had no wish or desire to act upon it.

Things changed for me about three years ago, when I was on a social site with life-like avatars. I met a Bi guy and was innocently chatting with him, the conversation was flowing; which then subtly turned erotic and I became aroused by the discussion. That was it, from a spark to a flame; well raging bonfire really, and NO, there was no webcam or no masturbation took place but I felt awful about it, even just having those thoughts and told my wife straight away (we have no secrets between us) she knew something was wrong anyhow.

I was fully prepared to face the consequences of my relation; even if that meant putting my marriage in jeopardy; confessing to her about my new found feelings. I could not lie to her and hoped for her acceptance and understanding, even if that meant never getting the opportunity to explore my curiosity EVER or keep the trust and honesty of our marriage. Being deceitful and cheating on her was never an option for me, taking that route would have destroyed her completely ending our marriage, and she would never have trusted me again, ever.

It was hard for us both to deal with at first but our love is strong and we have worked trough it. After many tears and discussions she has allowed me to explorer my Bi curiosity alone (although when it does happen I’m sure we both will re-evaluate our feelings on it), We both view the situation as our bond is love; to keep sex with others as cold, raw and unfeeling, is the best way in which we can deal with it as to not affect our relationship. I would have like us to have done it together but she doesn’t feel the need to pursue it herself at this time, but as not ruled out future possible encounters with others, male or female.
No one else in our personal life need know about my disclosure of my sexuality only the person it affects the most; my partner my wife.

I agree with Aidan grow some balls deal with it. I don’t believe in the saying “we hurt the ones we love the most!” if you do, it’s by your choice.

[Briar Rose]

Mind, this is from my perspective. I told my husband before we were married that I was bi so he has always known. We have been married for nearly 21 years. Have I had opportunities to cheat on him with either women or men? Yes, more than once. But I never have.

When we married, we agreed that we were monogamous and that any changes had to be open and transparent and okay with both partners. My word matters to me. I gave my word then and I keep it now. Has it been hard? Once or twice it has, I'll admit. But I love my husband and he's my best friend. His trust is sacred to me. I choose not fail either him or myself.

Can life throw us a curve ball? Absolutely. Might we have to make a change someday? Possibly and it could even be a really hard change, too. Life happens. I concede the possible reality. It's how I handle it that matters to me. It might be terribly difficult, but I prefer to transact my relationships within an old-fashioned sense of honor. I, am, after all, the one who has to look myself in the mirror on a daily basis. My word needs to be good for me if no one else.

I'm human and I certainly have made mistakes. I was the "other woman" once, in a previous relationship in my twenties, and I felt horrible. I hated myself and yet had a terrible time stopping. Eventually, I had to. It wasn't worth it to me. I could put myself in the his girlfriend's place too easily. I get the temptation, I really do, but I will never, ever sneak around again. It just doesn't work for me. I need everything up front and honest.

[Long Duck Dong]

when my partner said that she was ok with me having a same sex partner, I was a lil taken back.... it was a big step for her.....

so i sat down with her and talked about her decision, and told her that while it was appreciated, it was not a path I wished to follow.... and I accepted that she believed it may help me resolve some of my issues or settle them down within me..... I said no, it would create more issues instead.....

I am monogamous natured.... not cos of any heterosexual ideals, but because I struggle with a open relationship... something I am acutely aware of......
I could blame the heterosexuals and main stream society ( as indicated in this thread ) as some people believe they are to blame for monogamy etc.... but the simple truth is that I am simply not a person that handles multiple partners that well.......

my partner loves me so much that we have talked about ways to incorporate aspects of bisexual sex into our love making, using toys etc..... and that is something endears my partner to me greatly.......

I have said to my partner that if I was more inclined to act on my bisexuality with other people, then I would have remained single, rather than take a partner.......

while I am not into open relationships, I support those that are and make them work, and I also support those that are monogamous..... and I struggle to see how its heterosexual mainstream society that is to blame for people not wishing to be in open relationships..

something I have seen a number of times over the years I did counselling work.... is that gay males will often refer to heterosexual aspects affecting relationships and marriages, and this is common amongst closeted gay males that call themselves bisexual....

most bisexuals will refer to their partners or the women not being understanding or accepting, it is not that common that they will single our heteros as the cause or reason for issues in relationships / marriages....

just a interesting thing for people to think about when they read posts attacking heterosexual people......

[darkeyes]

darkeyes


I do not think that to "tolerate and acknowledge" is the same as to "understand and accept". Then again, this is semantical me writing...lol Give me another twenty years and maybe I'll figure it out.

Somewhere in there I do have to wonder if heterosexual mainstream society's concepts about relationships make it difficult for heterosexuals and bisexuals to be in relationships together.

No Tenni.. there is a huge gulf between "tolerate and acknowledge" and "understand and accept".. that is why I believe as I do.. it is much more than semantics.. it is fundamental to our humanity.

..and much of our concept of sexuality.. whatever that sexuality may be, is influenced by the heterosexual mainstream.. but increasingly, the sexuality of the gay and bisexual worlds is perpetrating that world.. and having its own influence.. it was inevitable as western society began to question its attitudes to homosexuality and give increased liberties to the likes of us..

.. but dont dismiss all that the heterosexual world has to say.. for much is nothing to do with heterosexuality as such... my use of my parents relationship is as pertinent to any gay or bisexual couple and the way they are is common to both.. it involves much more acceptance and understanding than you give it credit for.. because they are compassionate human beings and they strive to understand.. and with understanding more easily comes that acceptance.. it is a human thing tenni.. not str8, not gay, not bi.. merely human.. :)

[tenni]

darkeyes
Thank you for your thoughts and taking the time to write them.

[sammie19]

It is no pass to cheat. I split up from the woman I love because I could no longer take the strain of being sexually faithful to her. Once or twice I came close to it but always pulled back. Rather than sneak behind her back my need for opposite sex sex, not relationships became too much and I decided to leave before I did something we would both hate me for.

I have found it difficult being back in the big wide world and free. I'm also a little inhibited because I still care and am still as much in love as ever I was. I don't want a relationship with a man or another woman. I live with the guilt of how I feel and what I want and still cry at night for the loss of something precious. I also feel a little dirty. But I am being honest but at great cost.