Wife of bi male, new to this site

[redhotfantasylvr]

I'm new to this site and know this topic has probably been discussed in the past so please bear with me. I'm newly married and knew my husband was bi when we got married. We have had many discussions about his fulfilling his sexual desires with other men. I want to be supportive but am wondering how other wives might deal with this situation. Questions such as: does your husband always tell you when he's going to be with another man; do you ever watch or participate? Has it adversely affected your sex life or improved it? Are you jealous? This is for real and I would appreciate any input. Private messages are welcome! Thanks

[backseatbrianna]

I have been there, although we weren't married. I honestly think it all boils down to trust and how willing and open the male in the situation chooses to be. I am a non jealous person in general so I was always open to it. I would participate or not and all I ever asked was that he be honest with me. It was a very open topic in our relationship as I am bi as well. How you deal with it is obviously going to be based on whether you are really okay with it, its something that you find an interest in and how healthy its discussed within the relationship. Within any decision, its best to discuss and create boundaries in which both parties are committed and comfortable with. Best to remember that sometimes there needs to be some compromise and flexibility, but ultimately its a joint effort. Secrecy is different than just having a fantasy and I don't feel that we always have to divulge our fantasies with our partners, but it is important to remember that how we choose to handle our "interests" is what will define whether one is being secretive and devious or healthy and liberating.

[Realist]

Red,

I agree with Brianna.............honesty, good communication, and little, or no jealousy is the key for me and my GF (we both are bi) I was wondering, is this your first relationship with a bisexual person?

Developing a set of rules that aren't too strict, that you both can live with, is an intelligent way to approach a relationship like this.

I have waited a long time to find a lover who I can be myself with and I am certainly not going to let anything come between us...like lies, cheating, or being devious.

We each have different needs, desires and expectations for our significant others. Really, no one can tell you what is best for you, but you. So, I'm only telling you what is working for me.

Same to you, Brianna!

There's some great folks here and I'm sure you'll get better support than from me. Be advised that we have our trolls and antagonists, so take what you need, associate with who you feel comfortable with, and ignore those who are just trying to get on your nerves!

Good luck, Happy New Year, and welcome to the site, ladies.

[Long Duck Dong]

there is often a statement amongst bi people that they have needs, wants and desires that are bisexual in nature..... but in everybody, there is needs, wants and desires, that form the basis of any relationship.... and they cover affection, love, communication, understanding, acceptance and compromise

things like watching and participating are optional, but you can gain ideas from watching and participating, ideas that you can take to the bedroom, or the bathroom, kitchen, lounge, garage ....ahhh... back on track.... take anywhere and share between you and your partner, ( strap ons toys, dildoes, anal play, anal sex, role reversal, Slave and Mistress, bondage and discipline, oral sex, water play )..... gets mind back on track again ....lol

the thing is, fantasy lvr..... bisex is not restricted to you and ya hubby, then ya partner and others.... it can be anything you want it to be and you do not have to be the outsider when it comes to hubby having sex with a male.....

think things like hubby deep in you while he is being fucked.... or sucking his cock while he sucks another cock.... then later on, when you are both alone, talking about what was hot, and what was not.......

you can be a part of the bisexual world and still be hetero and either a watcher or participating.... but the most important thing is that you continue to be their partner, not pushed aside cos the sake of male 2 male sex......
its only sex.... your relationship is a dammed site more than just sex

[bizel]

welcome ivr, boy, have you come to the right place. people here are fantastic and their advice and support has kept me from going 'postal' (lol). my hubby of 10yrs always fantasised about men, then just before xmas admitted it was more than fantasy and he needed to explore it as he was so confused. i'm not a jealous person by nature, so i found my focus was more on his confusion and unhappiness. quickly followed by where did this leave me, and his offering ending of relationship. you're one step ahead in that you knew before you married. whether that means you actually understood just in your head and the logic behind it, or understood in your being as well, i don't know.

to your questions, this is how i deal with it. i have asked him to always tell me when he's going to meet someone (we are apart due to work and family commitments at the moment), as i need to feel i'm part of the loop. this may lessen when i'm more comfortable in our new relationship and how being 'bi' affects it.

i am aroused at the thought of watching (which he's really keen on), and would possibly be interested in joining in, only touching him though. i'm not interested in any other man, i don't want sex with another man. sex has always been intimate and personal, so i've never been a casual one-nighter.

i worry cos he can't answer me at the moment, as to whether he can recognise the difference between a need for a man and a want of a man. if he wants to 'tom cat' around, then that to me is taking advantage of the situation as men have used that excuse in having affairs with women as well, so he'll have to do a lot of convincing before i buy the excuse of 'i have an itch, it just needs scratching'. others manage by having total commitment to their relationship with only acknowledgement of their 'bi' side - not wandering. my hubby needs to explore to understand what his needs are, how it will affect him, and us. and i'm ok with that. i know he has a need, and i can handle that. in fact, i think it could add a new dimension to our relationship. as long as we're both involved either just me aware of the meeting, or actually involved physically.

i worry about whether i'm going to be shortchanged in the bed, cos i have a strong sex drive, and only sleep with him. if he's just had a blowjob from some bloke, he'd better start working on himself, cos i ain't missing out!! - lol. i agree with all who say communication and honesty is the key. my hubby and i share that. and he hasn't got a good-enough memory to be a successful liar. i keep reminding him of that, just in case he forgets it!

i find long duck dong speaks in a way that i understand so reading back over his previous posts may help. there are others who have been helpful to me, so let me know if you want their codenames so you can research their posts. i'm only new to the situation as well and since i don't have all the answers for myself, don't know if i'm much help. but if you'd like to talk by p.m., i'm here for you. i find it scary, unsettling, arousing, and it has brought about a change in me that i didn't even know i was capable of. it's even made me look at myself sexually, and i've learnt i have things i'd like to try. there are plenty of ways your situation can go, depending on how you deal with it. and if you read old posts, you'll find how some people make it work. if you two really care about each other, you will find the way that works for you. best of luck. hug, b

[DuckiesDarling]

In reading the profile, I see you are older, is your husband as well? How long have you known he was bi and what does it mean to you? You seem to want to help your husband in any way you can, but at the same time you wonder how much is "normal". Hon, anything you do in the privacy of your own bedroom is normal, within the confines of your relationship it's normal. If your husband chooses to do "threesomes" with you, or if he chooses to go out on his own, that is up to him, but you will need to discuss the "rules"

There is no law that says a bisexual must have both genders in a sexual way, there are some bisexuals that are perfectly happy being in a monogamous relationship. They are bisexual in nature because they have no preference in which gender they fall in love with, just that they fall in love. I'm in such a relationship with my man, he just happens to also be bisexual. We may as well be married now with the commitment we have given to one another but we plan on making it real when I get back to NZ. We utilize strapons and lots of love in our intimacy and it serves us well even if at times it brings out a need for him to be "fucked" while he is deep inside me. He wants to share all with me and we are talking about ways to make that happen. Until then we are happily monogamous and even if we went another way I would always be involved because as he says "it means nothing without you"

Whichever way your relationship proceeds is something only you and your husband can decide. You can try to use strapons and other things and see the difference in the lovemaking.

Communication is the absolute key. I wish you luck.

[redhotfantasylvr]

My God, what an embarrassment of riches! Not only did I get feedback...but it is thoughtful and thought provoking as well. I thank all of you for your time and offers of future communication and understanding. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only person with these questions and wondering thoughts...which I realize having read other threads. Thank you all! I hope I may feel free to contact any of you in the future for the furthering of my understanding and acceptance of my reality. And I, with my limited experiences am available to you for discussions as well. Again, thank you.

[MrBisex]

Basically it is the same as with any other relationship.
I would always have my wife to participate and watch. If i did it on my own, I should not be in a relationship :rolleyes:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Red, welcome to the group. :} Open, honest, communication is paramount in Any relationship, and this one is no different., Always keep the lines of communication going, and you'll be fine. :} Also, hon, if your hubby wants you there when he plays then it is a great thing, for it shows he doesnt want to do anything behind your back. And, I can tell you from personal experiance, that being with two men-whether it be just watching, or participating, is one of the hottest things on Earth. :bigrin:
Good luck to ya both, Darlin.
Cat
Everybody's Feline.

[NakedInSeattle]

Glad to reply and bring this one back up to the top! As usual, the advice is apot on and a turn on as well...LOL. Cherokee is sooo right. My wife is so happy to enjoy and be a part of MM play but also willing to let me roam out...she just says "be careful."

[falcondfw]

Redhot,
Welcome to the group. And to you Bizel, as well. LDD is indeed a wonderful resource, as is his darling, Duckies Darling, as are many others on this site.
The advice given so far is fantastic and should help both of you.
I struggled with my bi side for 5 years before acting on it. By that time, the wife had left, so i had no one to hide things from or cheat on (I wouldn't have anyway).
Open communications, honest communications is the only way to go. You love your guys because of who they are. That has not changed (much) with the admission of being bisexual. Society has made anything outside "the norm" seem dirty and depraved.
But it is not dirty or depraved. Only misunderstood and different from expectations. The first time a guy lightly spanks a woman during sex, she has been taught all her life that stuff is sick and depraved. If that is true, then why does she enjoy it so much?
Good luck to both of you

[bityme]

I'm new to this site and know this topic has probably been discussed in the past so please bear with me. I'm newly married and knew my husband was bi when we got married. We have had many discussions about his fulfilling his sexual desires with other men. I want to be supportive but am wondering how other wives might deal with this situation. Questions such as: does your husband always tell you when he's going to be with another man; do you ever watch or participate? Has it adversely affected your sex life or improved it? Are you jealous? This is for real and I would appreciate any input. Private messages are welcome! Thanks

My perspective is probably different than most who have or will respond to you questions. I am a bisexual male to begin with and I have always been married to bisexual women. Two long term marriages (18 and 20 years) and I am about to be married a third time, also to a bisexual woman.

I whole heartedly agree with the other posters, open, honest, communication is at the top of the list of priorities. In past marriages and now with my fiancée, we know when the other is/was going to be involved with someone else.

I have been involved in swinging for many years, so the instances when my mate is not at least present have been very rare. More often than not, we participate with each other and the third person and most of the time it is within a group of people. Of course, in my circumstances there is/has been sex that occurs with both men and women and the same is true of my wives.

We do not experience any jealously because we share an understanding that there is a difference between "making love" to or with the one you are "in love" with and having what we refer to a "recreational sex" with others.

My experience has been that our experiences with others outside of the marital bed help to strengthen our bond and enhance our private "love making." There are many ways in which the addition of one or more additional people can provide experiences that could never be accomplished between the two of you. In those instances, where I derive pleasure from my mate and someone else at the same time, it is as if they are giving me a special gift.

When you watch or participate with your mate, as Long Duck Dong indicates, you can learn things about what gives them pleasure and incorporate much of that into your private lovemaking. From the standpoint of same-sex activity, we lack the physical equipment to provide for some of our mate's desires. I can't provide a woman with the breasts of a woman or a woman's genitals to give pleasure to. Conversely, my mate does not possess the male genitals which I, also, derive pleasure from. But we can be there, giving them encouragement, stroking them, kissing them and letting them know how good it makes us fee to see, and even feel, their reactions and the pleasure they experience.

Sometimes, joining together during recreational sex can bring out your naughty, conspiratorial side. While engaged with a third person we work together to drive the third person crazy. Other times we engage the other person to make our mate the center of attention. As a couple, it is impossible to give your mate the same level of stimulation that 4 or 5 people combining their efforts can.

It is refreshing to be able to reveal your fantasies to you mate and together create the environment for their fulfillment. The bisexuality of one or both parties need not produce a division within the marriage. Being together and enjoying all aspects of my mates sexuality is, for me, a very special time. It has brought us closer, enhanced our private lovemaking, and given us a deeper appreciation for each other.

Should you have any questions of a general or specific nature, fee free to ask them either within the forum or in a private email.

Pappy

[a2smith09]

As long as you are open and accepting it can work out very well. If he's bi and loves you he can actually explore his bi side without neglecting or threatening your relationship unless you find it threatening. i've been married for 17 yrs and have had a male lover. We've been lovers since we were 14. We roomed together at college when I met my wife. She's known him and known of him our whole marriage. He was one of our groomsmen. She understands our occsional hunting or fishing weekend and our monthly poker night.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

As long as you are open and accepting it can work out very well. If he's bi and loves you he can actually explore his bi side without neglecting or threatening your relationship unless you find it threatening. i've been married for 17 yrs and have had a male lover. We've been lovers since we were 14. We roomed together at college when I met my wife. She's known him and known of him our whole marriage. He was one of our groomsmen. She understands our occsional hunting or fishing weekend and our monthly poker night.

Oh man it sounds like you are leaving her out, on all the fun you share with your male friend.:rolleyes:

[a2smith09]

Believe me there's nothing I would love more than to include her in some of our shennanigans. Would love to share some hot mmf action with her. Unfortunately she's very vanilla and I haven't been able to talk her into a threeway and she's also on of the females that are squicked by m2m sex. So she doesn't want any of the details. Personally I love hearing about her escapades before we met up but she doesn't enjoy that sort of thing.

My GF before I met my wife actually did enjoy being part of the action with my old friend and I and she loved to watch us as we went at it. Wish my wife shared a similar sentiment but she doesn't so other than the occasional invitation to join I don't bother her about it. At least she allows us our guy time so I can't complain too much.

[bityme]

Oh man it sounds like you are leaving her out, on all the fun you share with your male friend.:rolleyes:

Very reminiscent of "Brokeback Mountain," but I have to agree, the wife ends up without some great opportunities to be involved.

Then again, maybe it was offered and she elected to remain distant from the guys actions together. We all seem to do what we feel works best for us.

Pappy

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Very reminiscent of "Brokeback Mountain," but I have to agree, the wife ends up without some great opportunities to be involved.

Then again, maybe it was offered and she elected to remain distant from the guys actions together. We all seem to do what we feel works best for us.

Pappy

Wasn't that about two gay cowboys falling in love with each other, and they had to marry women because they were trying to cover up their relationship, or they married them because they were bored, or something?

[bityme]

Wasn't that about two gay cowboys falling in love with each other, and they had to marry women because they were trying to cover up their relationship, or they married them because they were bored, or something?

It was a 2005 movie about two cowboys, yes. It was about their relationship and how it developed over the years. Both did get married, but not to cover up their relationship. For a long time they lived very distant from each other and met only infrequently. While the media capitalized on their relationship and characterized it as gay, the story and events show the relationship of two bisexual men.

Pappy

[The Bisexual Virgin]

It was a 2005 movie about two cowboys, yes. It was about their relationship and how it developed over the years. Both did get married, but not to cover up their relationship. For a long time they lived very distant from each other and met only infrequently. While the media capitalized on their relationship and characterized it as gay, the story and events show the relationship of two bisexual men.

Pappy

Hmm, You know I never gave that movie any much, just for the fact that I thought a movie about two men falling in love with each other never interest me at all, plus I was still in High School and thought that was pretty gross. and despite people saying how good it is, Batman Begins had my complete attention back then (and still does, I am so excited for TDKR) and no other movie could top that year in my opinion.;) But maybe I should check that movie out, I have a different thought process now since High School.

[honestyisbest11]

I am newly engaged to a bi male. I found out by snooping on his computer a year ago...since then we are closer than ever. We are each others soulmate. We are very sexual, he has helped me explore my sexuality. I had my first bi experience with him watching and it was hot. We always talk about me watching him give blowjobs (that's all he does with the opposite sex) but since we have been seriously committed he has not met up with anyone. What bothers me is he never tells me when he chats with previous guys about hooking up. Then I see messaging between them and trying to find time to ssee each other...I know he hasn't done anything behind my back but when the time arises will he?????

[Kentbi]

I am the husband of redhotfantasylvr and it' been one year since she first posted this thread topic. First let me say that I was very proud of her for taking the initiative to post this topic. I was not aware that she had done so but was thrilled that she was interested enough in me/us to seek advice on my bisexuality. I told her about my being bisexual when it became obvious that we were getting serious as it's not something that I would ever hide from a life partner. I can't say that would work for everyone but it did for us. She has been supportive and encouraging from the very beginning. Later, after many discussions, I expressed a desire for her to watch me perform oral sex on a man and, after much more discussion, she agreed to doing so. There have been a few opportunities but it hasn't happened yet. And yes, there have been some conflicts over this but mostly my not understanding something. Whether or not it eventually does happen remains to be seen. We have great communication and she sees my bisexuality as just part of me, not as an affliction or disease. She's an amazing woman and I feel very lucky that she has agreed to spend the rest of her life with me. I'd like to thank everyone for your obviously well thought out input. You made her feel at home and welcome to a world with which she was completely unfamiliar. Thanks also to those who sent messages offering advice and assistance.

[a2smith09]

Fantastic. It's wonderful that she has taken the initiative to explore the issue and is supportive of your bisexual nature. I hope that you two continue and have a wonderful marriage together. I hope that she continues to be open and supportive of your bisexual needs and that you can safely and intimately share that side of yourself together and even participate together.

[falcondfw]

I am newly engaged to a bi male. I found out by snooping on his computer a year ago...since then we are closer than ever. We are each others soulmate. We are very sexual, he has helped me explore my sexuality. I had my first bi experience with him watching and it was hot. We always talk about me watching him give blowjobs (that's all he does with the opposite sex) but since we have been seriously committed he has not met up with anyone. What bothers me is he never tells me when he chats with previous guys about hooking up. Then I see messaging between them and trying to find time to ssee each other...I know he hasn't done anything behind my back but when the time arises will he?????

Honestyisbest,

First problem, you are not soulmates if you have to snoop to find things out, but at least you admit you snooped.

Second problem, he is hiding things from you or very forgetful if he messages ex-bfs and doesn't tell you (even if they are just ex-hookups or hookup-wanna-bes). That goes to the core of love relationships and honesty and trust. For some reason, he does not feel he can share that info with you.

Based on 1 and 2, You two have some trust/communication issues that need to be worked out.

As for your question, if you have to ask ... You know the drill. There is something in the back of your mind suggesting he will not tell you (maybe problems one or two?).

Honest advice: if you want the relationship to work, either open up the lines of communication more or seek a counselor to help you over the few issues you have. Taking care of it now is much better than waiting until it is too late.

[falcondfw]

I am the husband of redhotfantasylvr and it' been one year since she first posted this thread topic. First let me say that I was very proud of her for taking the initiative to post this topic. I was not aware that she had done so but was thrilled that she was interested enough in me/us to seek advice on my bisexuality. I told her about my being bisexual when it became obvious that we were getting serious as it's not something that I would ever hide from a life partner. I can't say that would work for everyone but it did for us. She has been supportive and encouraging from the very beginning. Later, after many discussions, I expressed a desire for her to watch me perform oral sex on a man and, after much more discussion, she agreed to doing so. There have been a few opportunities but it hasn't happened yet. And yes, there have been some conflicts over this but mostly my not understanding something. Whether or not it eventually does happen remains to be seen. We have great communication and she sees my bisexuality as just part of me, not as an affliction or disease. She's an amazing woman and I feel very lucky that she has agreed to spend the rest of her life with me. I'd like to thank everyone for your obviously well thought out input. You made her feel at home and welcome to a world with which she was completely unfamiliar. Thanks also to those who sent messages offering advice and assistance.

Kentbi and redhot,
Congratulations on finding each other. Sounds like you two are definitely off to the right start in your long life together.
The fact that she is so supportive and open minded will do you wonders in the truly hard times.
The fact that he is open enough and honest enough to share something that could (with the wrong person) destroy any hopes of marriage speaks volumes to the kind of relationship you two do and will have.
I would say good luck, but I don't think either of you need it honestly.
However, I will repeat my congratulations.

[void()]

void reads, sees a reflection, holds thumb up. void wanders along.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Honestyisbest,

First problem, you are not soulmates if you have to snoop to find things out, but at least you admit you snooped.

Second problem, he is hiding things from you or very forgetful if he messages ex-bfs and doesn't tell you (even if they are just ex-hookups or hookup-wanna-bes). That goes to the core of love relationships and honesty and trust. For some reason, he does not feel he can share that info with you.

Based on 1 and 2, You two have some trust/communication issues that need to be worked out.

As for your question, if you have to ask ... You know the drill. There is something in the back of your mind suggesting he will not tell you (maybe problems one or two?).

Honest advice: if you want the relationship to work, either open up the lines of communication more or seek a counselor to help you over the few issues you have. Taking care of it now is much better than waiting until it is too late.

To Be honest, I think she needs to just break up with him. That's just my honest opinion. It's to much damn work to try and fix a broken relationship that's was built on lies.