Who Knows?

[Mayalaen]

I haven't outed myself to anyone! Not even my closest friend has even a clue that I'm bi. I just wondered how many of you have told other people (family and friends), their reactions, your feelings around them afterwards, the way they treated you afterwards... that kind of thing. Do you regret telling people or do you regret not telling people sooner?

[rupertbare]

Well a big welcome to the community Mayalaen! I've "come out" by admitting my bi-sexuality to my wife (from the moment we became a "serious item") and my eldest daughter (now at university). My wife accepts it but finds it a little 'strange', my daughter, however, calls it my "little gay secret" - she seems unable or unwilling to accept that I'm gay!! Having said that it hasn't altered our relationship - we still hug and joke around - especially when her boyfriend is about. The past is a different picture. I 'lost' a couple of male 'freinds' by admitting to being bi - these were 'right-on' leftie leaning P.C. brigade card carrying members - they sure talked the talk!! But dumped me as a mate as quickly as they could - it left me feeling slighty bruised emotionally but hey life didn't end!! On the other hand a few female friends suddenly became MORE friendly and 'touchy-feely' and one came out to me as being gay - and I was then able to help her tell her parents and be there for all three of them. So there we go - don't know if any of that helps you at all!! :)

[hypershot]

Im out to a lot of people (mainly because I like the attention I get from it)

Some people accept it, some people dont. Frankly, just be urself and if anyone asks tell them the truth. You shouldnt be ashamed of who you are.

Theres a couple of people I regret telling, but things cant be changed and I'd probly do the same again neway.

Remember to just be urself, if they cant accept you then they're not worth it.

Love chris

xXx ;)

[gayle]

Mayalean,
Let me give you my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. :2cents:
I am a straight female and have been dating my bf for just over 10 months. We've known each other 17 years. When we started dating, I believed he was straight. He did not come out to me until we'd been dating for several months. Let me tell you, it made it very difficult for me because I knew nothing about bisexuality and I also felt somewhat betrayed because he had let me assume he was straight when he knew full well that he was bi. If you are dating someone, I believe you should be honest with them and tell them you are bi. Set ground rules for your relationship so all parties know what is and is not acceptable.
Now, as for coming out to family and friends, that's a very personal decision. Does everyone really need to know you are bi? What is the motivation for telling them? Afterall, you would not feel the need to tell the world if you were straight, so why should you have to tell them you're bi? Take your time and you will figure out who to out yourself to. Sometimes you'll be rejected because of it. That's a risk you need to be aware of up front. Others will accept it and it won't be a big deal for them. Still others will probably have a lot of questions. So, figure out who you want to tell and why you want to tell them. NOT telling people doesn't mean that you are being anything less than true to yourself. It's just a matter that not everyone needs to know what you do in the bedroom any more than you need to know what everyone else is doing.
Best wishes to you.

[Mayalaen]

Thanks for letting me know about you guys. And Gayle... thank you for your thoughts on the telling people part. I never thought it that way... thank you :)

I wish I could tell my family and friends without worrying about their reactions. But, knowing my family, it would most likely turn out to be a huge disaster. NO ONE in my extended family is anything but extremely straight. Not only that but they almost seem to avoid anything but heterosexuality at any costs, i.e. they won't watch TV shows or movies with non-straight characters.

A couple weeks ago, an aquaintance of my mother's told her that her daughter is bi and my family was totally shocked. They barely know the girl and they acted like it was the worst thing in the world. So - no - I don't think I'll be telling my family anytime soon.

[jo69guy]

You must ask yourself the question; will this do more harm than good? If so, then don't tell. I just recently(in the last two years) told my parents, family, and a few close friends. I chose the friends carefully, and all have either been supportive, or at least indifferent about it.

My parents were a bit shocked at first, but they are more at ease about it now. I thought they would disown me. lol I told them after splitting from me ex-wife who knew I was bi before we married. I was afraid that she would either call, or expose me in court, so I decided it was best for them to hear it from me first. I think it shocked her when I told her they knew.

If you do decide to tell them, only you can decide when the time is right. Don't get in any hurry. :2cents:

[TouchableTina4]

Not everyone knows I am bisexual esp parents. They are the churchy type and think that its wrong. A couple people know I am my man (of course0, my friend Britt,Delena and Peggy. Britt and Delena are bi. Peggy is lesbian. Also my cousin Jennifer and sister Angie knows. Jennifer is bicurious and my sister is not into that. She is not happy about my choice but who cares.

[hypershot]

Exactly Tina, you cant help what you are and you shouldnt have to force urself to change for anyone else, cos it doesnt work.

[BiShadoman]

Just my two cents (alittle late)
I came out to my girlfriend after we had been dating for a couple of months and it has done nothing but cause problems. She says alot of things to other people (thinking that I won't find out what she has said) that are half truths and some are just out and out lies and she has all of these people thinking that I know what she is saying and doing, because she supposedly talks to me about it, well she doesn't. I only know what is going on by sheer accident. Over the past few months I have tried numerous ways to get her to come clean but I don't think that it is going to happen and the relationship is pretty much over. So now how much trouble is she going to cause me? Probably quite a bit. So I'll probably move away and start over somewhere else.
To get back to the point, I will NEVER Never come out to someone ever again unless I know that they are Bi as well prior. So unless you are really sure that there will be no repercussions I wouldn't tell anyone until you are sure it the right thing to do, then I would think about it some more.
Sorry for rambling
Out of the Shados

[Lisa (va)]

I don't think it's necessary to tell everyone about my sexuality, it's my choice not theirs. But having dated both men and women (openly) it's hard for folks not to know. My family does know and i got mixed responses from them: Pop doesn't understand the concept about same sex relationships, Mom just wonders why i can't choose one or the other, Brother just says as long as you are happy. But the bottom line is we all love each other, that hasn't changed.
I don't feel the need to advertise my sexuality, but then again i don't deny it.
Lisa
hugs n kisses

[Heartless01]

I haven't outed myself to anyone! Not even my closest friend has even a clue that I'm bi. I just wondered how many of you have told other people (family and friends), their reactions, your feelings around them afterwards, the way they treated you afterwards... that kind of thing. Do you regret telling people or do you regret not telling people sooner?


:rolleyes: Yeah, I am late to the party....spank me.... :tongue:

:soapbox: Life should not have to be so complicated that we must become anxiety ridden over whether or not to tell others about our sexuality. (IMNSHO)

Stop worrying over the little things and LIVE, because life is going to be filled with pittfalls and heartache as well as joy and love. You should not feel obligated to tell anyone anything about such a personal issue as sex. Except for those people in a relationship with you.

I do not approve of heterosexuals publicly flaunting sexual behavior in their everyday life (unless in an appropriate social setting for said behavior) and I apply that to homosexuals and bisexuals too. I do not go to work and worry over my coworkers fornication habits, and others shouldn't worry over mine. That being said, I also do not believe in hiding who you are.

Your family and friends (IMO) should accept you for who you are if they indeed love you, no matter what your orientation. I have no time in my life for any person who puts my sex life over my health and general well being. That includes family members.

However, I know that it is common for people of alternative sexualities to be alienated by family and friends. Pathetic really....

Boil it down...Tell who you want to and no one else. Just remember, everything comes out in the wash, and you cannot hide your sexual preference forever.

:soapbox: Is now over.....

(damn i rant a lot)

[BiBiologist]

I like what Heartless said, but I also see how BiShadoman feels. I should have posted to this thread before, but I will repeat something I posted in the "six ongoing conversations" thread.

My sister, who has been in a lesbian relationship for 15 years, is the only one in my family I told initially. That was when I was about 32 (13 years ago), and it helped for a while. I had never been so in love as I have been with AJ, my sister-in-law of 20 years, who was just divorced from my husband's brother. I finally worked up the courage to tell her what I was feeling about two years ago, but at first only told her I was bisexual. She said she never had that problem, but was very patient and supportive and sweet. She suggested I talk to a counselor, not because I was sick, but just to help me work through it. She said I was still the same person to her, which made me just love her all the more. She said she didn't want to hurt me, but she had other plans for her life. Didn't want to hurt me. I could see she felt bad, I knew she was a wonderful person, but the level of concern she had for my feelings was amazing.

I did see a counselor who was very helpful. She said I had to stop suppressing my sexual identity, and sort of nudged me toward telling people. She reassured me that I was my own normal. Being able to talk openly to her was a relief.

I was scared to death to come out to my husband. I tried searching for the right words, but finally just said it. "I'm bisexual". I waited for the earth to fall on top of me but it didn't. He said he still loved me, and as long as I loved him he wanted to keep the family together. We have been married 23 years.

Since then, in the last year and a half, I have come out to two other female friends, LS and RM, both straight. I had known LS for about 11 years, and she had a real hard time with it. She didn't believe I really knew what I was saying at first, but it finally sank in. She hasn't broken off the friendship, but it is somewhat strained now. RJ I had only known for about a year, and we shared a love of writing and got to know each other very quickly. She seemed OK with it at first, but I think she was starting to think I had become interested in her. She said she was uncomfortable with us e-mailing or getting together for lunch anymore, so that was that.

That one hurt, so now I think twice, but like Heartless said, "you cannot hide your sexual preference forever" (it'll make you crazy!). Besides, although I had to stop talking to her for awhile to get myself together, now AJ and I have this really wonderful friendship, and it feels good to be myself with somebody. And my marriage is better too.

But one catch 22 for BiShadoman--how you going to find out if someone is Bi if they are like you and don't want to tell unless they know you are first?

[BiShadoman]

Well I guess that means that I'll just keep my yap closed about it. I didn't tell anyone that wasn't either bi or gay for over 13 years, then told my ex-wife(we were still married at the time), and it turned out badly, then I didn't tell anyone for another 11 years and it seems like it is turning out even worse.
This woman seems to have made it her mission to ruin my life whenever we have some problems. At least when my ex left the only people she told were her own family and most of them didn't believe her. When my current relationship and I split up for a couple of weeks (a few months sgo) she was telling people that she had to go get a restraining order against me and things similar to that and made me look like a real bad jerk at the least. If things don't work out this time I'll have to relocate to protect my child from all the whispers, innuendos, and ridicule that she would have to deal with not to mention that I ould never be able to work around here again.
Sorry I'm rambling again.
Out of the Shados

[Bum_Ditty]

I've been doing other things lately, so haven't been looking at the forums; This is an issue, though, which has particular resonance for me.

As I believe I stated in another couple or more posts on other threads, I have been certain of my bisexuality since my senior year (or junior year, depending on interpretation of events) in high school. That was in the late seventies; it's been, to date, 35 years.

As I also pointed out in other posts, and in my profile, I am extremely paranoid about people finding out my orientation. Part of the reason is the rather disastrous relationship, and its aftermath, that I got into in the mid eighties with a girl who had already come out to me as lesbian-curious, and then later (?) as bisexual. I now believe that to have been a ploy to save my feelings and to get rid of me, but I played the "lets be friends" card, and I think that's when the trouble started. You see, shortly after her so-called "coming out," which followed my profession of a crush on her (yeah, I know, stupid move), I came out to her as "basically bisexual," as I put it then. She later on (say about a week or so) told me that she thought that she was bisexual (alarm bells should have gone off, but I was too infatuated by then to have noticed even if they had).

It's probably normal for bi's or gays, after they have come out to someone, to wait for the earth to fall on them when that person tells other LBG people (in the course of an initial introduction) about your preference... I had already been conditioned by people's reactions in high school and later in the workplace to matters in what is now commonly called the "LBG" community. They regard them/us/we as a threat to "decent" society that needs to be eradicated. What I was sure of then, and still am sure of now, is that I really don't feel comfortable having someone else tell people about such things in relation to me, mainly because they almost always get it horrifically, sometimes hilariously wrong.

She didnt go and tell every gay/bi person she knew, and told no one else, save one, that I am aware of, and never outside of my presence, save that one...that I am aware of (some doubt does exist in that area). After a while, though, the relationship basically bombed. She said that she needed some space for a couple of weeks, I gave her the space, and next thing I knew she had taken up with another guy (a mutual classmate, in fact), apparently because (so she said) he had a certain piece of technology that she wanted to learn to use, and I didn't. SO... some bi's, or at least people pretending to be bi, unfortunately do follow the unfortunate and scurrilous "cutthroat bi" stereotype.

Worse, she told that other guy about my orientation; who knows how many people he told. Like I said, I think she was conning me all along... well. She finally got her apparent wish. I was effectively gone from the romantic side of her life. I got back in touch with her briefly a few years later, and wouldn't you just know it, she wanted to put restrictions on me to "prove" myself and my affection to her -- after all she had done to me! Clearly, she was not and is not interested in further friendship. I have found and gotten in touch with her a few other times over the years, and that attitude has not changed.

I have not come out to anyone since the Dysfunctional Love Boat From Hell sank with all hands, nor have I actuallly dated -- either sex -- since then. I just can't bring myself to face all that hell again.

And that's basically it, one of the main whys and wherefores of my aversion to coming out to anyone. The whole thing probably sounds trivial to everybody but me, but I did live it, after all. I can talk about it on here, because (hopefully) no one can really be sure who I am. Not telling will drive me crazy? Maybe. I may already be there; Lord knows, I've been through enough hell in other areas of my life to have already become a mental cheese donut. In any case, I've had thirty-five years, with that short two-year hiatus, to learn how to hide in plain sight.

Those who have said that one shouldn't have to hide one's orientation are absolutely correct. We shouldn't have to. But some of us DO have to, and some (like me) have been burnt and are twice shy, to paraphrase the old saying. Its just too risky, and besides, I'm over 40 now, with no real prospects, but also with no stigma attached to my name. No, I really don't think it's worth it to come out again...

Sorry about writing yet another novella in response...

Bum_Ditty

[BiBiologist]

I can truly feel for both you guys. That's why I told no one for 32 years. I was really lucky that the people I have trusted with this (well, 5 out of 6) have been trustworthy. My husband doesn't want anyone else to know, and I don't blaim him, because with two kids in lots of activities, they would suffer the most. We live in a small community where everybody knows everybody, and all our family members live within the state. If his family knew, they would mostly go balistic and probably try to take my kids away. So I feel like I'm sitting on a bombshell and I'm EXTREMELY careful who I tell. Like I said, I was mostly lucky with the outcomes, because even though you think you know someone, you just never know how they're going to react. And all the people I have told (except my husband) don't live near me. My good experiences have, I guess, left me feeling OK about telling people, but I doubt I will tell anyone else now, like Shado said, unless I already know they are GLB (or I fall in love with somebody again, which is both unlikely and poisonous). So I guess most of us will spend our lives ducking in and out of the closet.

[BiMOhio]

I have only come out to one person, my wife. I believe that the only person that needs to know about my sexuality is my wife. I have many friends and do not wish to damage a friendship due to my sexual desires. Instead I am open to others when it matters. I can communicate with other bisexuals on this web site and can be open and honest about my sexuality without "offending" anyone and I can discuss bisexuality without being judged. I am also a nudist and have joined a gay nudist club.I can be open about my sexuality at the nudist club and I enjoy being there. I feel comfortable when around other gay people and can share my feelings to them. As far as telling everyone I feel that our culture is not ready. It is not important to me to announce to everyone what I do sexually. I find other people that share my sexual feelings by getting involved with that group of people and being open with them. :flag3:

[BiShadoman]

Yes, it's me and my 2cents again. I really doubt that I will even tell anyone that I would fall in love with that I was bi, Those are the people that have done the most damage to my life, and now being a single parent it could turn out to be extremely detrimental to my child and someone will pay a very dear price if my child is hurt because of their mouth. There have been long stretches in my life with no sex at all, (I'm talking 1-5 years, and no I wasn't in prison) so I can be with just one person for the most part or be with no one at all.
The biggest thing in life is to be able to live with yourself and to really like yourself. So I can be alone and not have a problem, and after this latest fiasco thats really starting to sound like a pretty good idea.
Now I learned a long time ago to never say never so I won't, But the pain that comes out of being hurt by someone that is supposed to Love you is about the most intense and excruiatng pain that there is, and I'm definitely not into masochism.
So like I said before, unles I know that they are gay or bi and in the lifestyle then they aren't going to hear didly from me.
Out of the Shados

[BiShadoman]

By the way, U would like to know why so many people are upset with me just because I took issue with one of your unofficial community leaders about some of the things that they were saying and doing in regards to their boyfriend and possibly outing him without his knowledge and\or consent, as well as some of their conflicting statements?
I'm asking this in this thread since it is about coming out.
Yes I've had a few Ims and other messages that it was being considered as to whether or not I should be thrown off this site (btw, Thank you Drew for not kicking me off for stating my opinion), and I've recieved a few messages that were down right nasty and made me feel kucky that I wasn't in a room with those people. These people know who they are and they should really stop and look at their reasons for hating a person who has done nothing to them and also look at why this site is here.
Not everyone has been a jerk to me in their messages and I appreciate the support that I have received. Gd Bless us ALL!
Out of the Shados.

[FunCoupleinSD]

hi mayalaen,
This is an interesting topic, one that I find myself thinking about regularly.

I had some idea that I was bi since I was probly about 14 (incident with a friend who didn't like it as much as he imagined, I did but never had imagined it) I told absolutely no-one for over 13 years, those were the years when I tried to pretend it wasn't true. I've been married for 8 years now, to a wonderful woman, we have always had an "open" sort of relationship. We had a threesome within a couple months of first dating, and continue to share our sexual relationship with others, mostly other couples and together only. About a year ago I decided to stop trying to lie to myself about who I was, and right away I felt I should tell my lovely wife. She was a little put off at first (thinks of me as very manly, so this didn't fit the image she held of me), and we didn't discuss it for a couple weeks. One night after spending an "evening" with another married couple that we know (it was hot) she told me that she had become fascinated with the idea of me wanting to have sex with another man (especially oral), and it is now just part of our life like anything else. Though we have not found a single bi man or couple with bi M to "be" with as I feel we should both share an attraction to him and we seem to have different tastes. Only one time when we had a fight, she did threaten to tell people about my "secret" (that really sucked) but apologized right away and assured me her respect for me was too great to do that, but it does make me dread the idea of seperation/divorce, but we love each other and hopefully there would never be any reason for that and for the most part I really trust her anyway. Sorry I'm going on like this. so that's a little background, and what I really wish is that I felt free to tell people who I really am, and what I'm about (in the appropriate setting of course), and although as heartless pointed out we should never HAVE to become anxiety ridden over telling others about our sexuality, somehow in this society many of us still do. I know I have been there. I could tell my family, we are a very supportive family, and I truly believe that my mother was waiting for me to annonce that I was gay from the time I could walk (strangeness), my father would be indifferant, my sisters would come to terms with it in short time, and my brother, well.... my brother would probly never believe me but still he would love me. I think my family would just think it was odd because I am married... to a woman... and they could not understand how I could be bi in a monogamous relationship (wouldn't that open a can of worms) so I tell no one. I could have a heart attack just thinking of telling someone who is not known to me as LGB. I am already pretty sure that most of my close male friends could not cope with it, and those that could would become little more than a very strained and akward relationship. why are we as people so narrow minded? Why am I as a person who is typically a brash say anything be damned if it offends you type of person, so immediately and entirely withdrawn, and nervous about who knows what I do in the sack (or want to do) why should I care? why don't I think screw em if they don't like it, like I do with everything else? ok now I'm just thinking in my post, guess I'm done.
P.S. I love the thing about I am my own normal. I shall adopt it and make it my own. maybe it will help me. thanks for reading all this drivel, its drivel from my heart.

[butterfly]

my husband and my best friend know.

I am not sure how my other friends would take it really

[SweetAmy]

My dad knows and my husbands knows ( thats a gimmie) & my best friend Tiff knows...thats all. If noone can accept that your bi/gay there really not a true friend. My dads kinda confused as I was always str8 growing up. My husband knows and is 100$ supportive & loves it. My friend it doesnt bother her and shes str8. Mind you I have no real exp with a girl so im still bicurious.

Amy

[wanderingrichard]

wow, so much support.. and right on the day when Drew posted an "out" survey too....well, this is the ONLY site i've found with any type of memebr supporting member activity at all, and i searched lots of them, trying to find just what we have here; a sense of family& community. sure didnt find it in some of the other sites i went to. [ ooopss, sorry am redundant, but it's true]

so, i'd say stay here help this site grow.. you'll find the most wonderful, interesting and supportive folks here, many that bring totally different opinions and backgrounds to the discussion tables, which makes for some rather interesting and lively intercouse at times.. no pun intended , btw.
Rich

[alleycat]

Wow... some very differing opinions and experiences in this thread. My heart goes out to BiShawdowman - sounds like you've had some awful experiences. However, it does bring up the question of does our own comfot level with being bisexual corrolate with happiness?? What I mean is that if we are in fear of being found out well then perhaps you should tell no one and if your are comfortable with your sexuality and are able/willing to take any heat that comes your way then by all means tell whomever you like.

I think there is a a grey area here - the bisexual one. A lot of people can understand being gay/lesbian, but have issues with bisexuality/transgendered, etc... because it's not as clear or defined. Then there are bisexuals who want to be physical with another, but not have an intimate relationship. I think those are the ones who are most accepted in our society. But forget the ones who want to have relationships with both - have our cake and eat it too.

And would if our children find out? Has anyone had this happen?? At what ages and at what consequence? Were the children made fun or or hurt? Was there acceptance? Does that corrolate with a parent's comfort level with their own sexuality?

Interesting thread - I read everyone's statements carefully. These are my own thoughts and opinions..... written rather stream of consciously...

Got to go apple picking with the kids now. :) Bi...

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello mayalaen
I have outed myself to quite a few people and i have not had any regrets about this but i do want to add that i only "out" my self to those who i feel are open minded enough and that wont throw it back in my face (so to speak)
but if anyone askes, i do not lie to them, and i tell them the truth.
a friend (good friend) asked recently and i told that yes, i am bi, and have been for years, this has not affected our friendship, i do not plan on anything to happen between us, and he knows i wont make any moves on him either
nothing has changed and nothing is going to between us

thank you for listening!!!!!
m.in.heels&hose :flag1:

[curiousguy2005]

My close friends know, but a lot of people suspect because I've always had a really active sexuality. As for family, I'm out to one sister, and that's it. Told her on the way to a family vacation.

As for advice, I'd only come out to people that I knew were comfortable with homosexuality, and by extension (no pun intended) bisexuality. For example, most of my gay friends know I am bi, but less of my straight friends. I find that when my straight friends find out (the guys) they tend to make jokes at me and want to make me their bitch. It's all in good humor but I think it taps into some preconceptions of what it means to be gay versus straight, and maybe they feel that it somehow gives them an opportunity to be dominant over me, like they would be over a woman (alpha male)?

My wife knows, and has always known. Dating a liberal woman helps in this case. She also doesn't feel threatened by my bisexuality, it's just another part of who I am to her. As for acting on it though, that's where she draws the line. Crossing that line, on my own time, in my fantasies and on the net...thats where the energy ends up. Whether or not that's healthy or not, I don't know, but I guess it's a choice and a balancing act. Hopefully it won't come back to haunt me...and thanks for not judging me on this one. She said she'd go to a swingers club party with me; but at the same time I'm worried that sort of experience will make me feel cheap and taudry and weaken our marriage. I get very anxious about it. It's very difficult to be a horny romantic type. They work crosspurpose sometimes!

No one needs to know the details, other than interested parties, right? (wink wink). Like, this one time, at band camp...

[Fresia]

Bump it up!