advice for dealing with passive/aggressive partner

[kitten]

I have come to terms with understanding that in the few next weeks it will be our 30th anniversary and in less than pleasant circumstances, I have realized that I am married to a seriously passive/aggressive man. I have also realized that I have been an enabler and have given until I can give not much more. I am feeling foolish and angry for taking the blame so many times and for trying to make things right when I wasn't the one making things wrong. I am done with getting mixed messages and being the scapegoat.

This is not meant as a whiner message but a statement that I am beginning anew and hope that I can start the spread of a message to other victims. I hope that I can provide support and gain some from this wonderful community.

Passive/aggressive behavior is not considered a "disorder" but it includes many behaviors that are abusive and hurtful. I am in progress of learning how to be stronger and maintain my sense of self while still loving my partner for his good qualities.

Thanks for letting me make my stand and statement that proves I am ready to begin again.

[elian]

Certain people in my family were best passive aggressives, I'm afraid that some of it must've rubbed off on me simply by being around it and being sniped at so much. I would hope that if anyone recognized that trait in me they would bring it to my attention because sometimes I'm not even sure I'm aware of it. If a person feels powerless to act out in other ways they will often resort to this type of behavior. I'm sorry to say I'm no professional so although I can sympathize with you from having been in similar situation I'm afraid I can't offer any good advice.

[kitten]

But your encouragement means alot. Thank you!

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs....

you are going to stop being a enabler and thats awesome, but the other part that you can try doing, is getting your husbad to start talk about why he is reacting to things in a passive / agressive way... and that is the key to helping most passive / agressive people....

many of them do not want to be seen as people with a disorder or mentally ill... and most of them are not, they are people with a inability to relate or cope with issues, problems and aspects of society and social interaction

things like hypnotherapy, yoga, meditation etc can help your husband.... and he doesn't need to turn into a yentil eating yogi master that chants at 3 am in the morning......

even music can help.... soft music played at night while he is asleep, can help settle him and make things a lil easier.....

kitten, take ya hubby by the hand and say to him that you are interested in strengthing your marriage with the man you love so dear... and you are interested in going to a counsellor for help on how to take what is a 30 year marriage, and turn it into a 60 year marriage.....

he may take a lil time to get his head around it, he may embrace the idea, he may reject it..... but he is ya hubby and 30 years married is worth celebrating and looking at 60 years together......

how do I know about passive / agressive.... I have a mental illness.. and passive / agressive behievour is one of the aspects of it.... and I have a partner that is helping me become a better man.....

[Katja]

I have come to terms with understanding that in the few next weeks it will be our 30th anniversary and in less than pleasant circumstances, I have realized that I am married to a seriously passive/aggressive man. I have also realized that I have been an enabler and have given until I can give not much more. I am feeling foolish and angry for taking the blame so many times and for trying to make things right when I wasn't the one making things wrong. I am done with getting mixed messages and being the scapegoat.

This is not meant as a whiner message but a statement that I am beginning anew and hope that I can start the spread of a message to other victims. I hope that I can provide support and gain some from this wonderful community.

Passive/aggressive behavior is not considered a "disorder" but it includes many behaviors that are abusive and hurtful. I am in progress of learning how to be stronger and maintain my sense of self while still loving my partner for his good qualities.

Thanks for letting me make my stand and statement that proves I am ready to begin again.

Passive aggression is a very unpleasnt thing for one to have to live with. It involves many negative attributes by one party and invariably means the other being made to feel responsible for all the difficulties in the relationship. It is certainly a very frustrating disorder for those in a relationship where their partner suffers it. The partner suffers it too in their own way in response to the whole aura of negativity which surrounds the passive aggressive.

It is not for me to advise people to walk away from such relationships but I have done just that with a boy friend while at university and another when I was still in my middle teens. I am normally a very patient individual, but passive aggressives seem to find it difficult to believe they have any kind of disorder whatever.

Counselling is an option, but such is the strain inflicted on the other partner that they too can develop a reactive personality disorder and/or mental illness and even become resentful and violent towards their partner out of pent up frustration of their negativity and very often sulleness. I did and out of frustration and anger at my boy friends obstructivess about almost everything, picked up a stool in my mother's kitchen and hit him hard with it. Enraged, I slapped and punched him until I finally broke down in tears because I could no longer take a another day of his procrastination and seething resentment towards all and sundry, but especially that it seemed mostly to be taken out on me.

I am not proud of my actions but such is the anger that we can feel against such people often we do go over the top. In my case I had but a few months of it in both cases and not every day at that. People who live with it for decades without killing their partner have my utmost respect and admiration, for while I think of myself normally as a compassionate individual, I am pretty sure it is not something I could or would do. My suitcase would be packed and my car engine revving at the first sign of this disorder showing itself and I would be gone.

[bunvotey11]

It sounds like he's miserable. I don't know what is making him that way, but miserable people do miserable things. The only joy they sometimes seem to get in life is to make someone else miserable too.

Why do you put up with it?

I believe that we need to communicate with our partners. But that doesn't mean that we should be allowed to say anything that comes to us in any way. Being in a 30 year marriage should give you some freedom, and your partner needs to know what bothers you, but it sounds like what is happening is more on the order of abuse.

While it may not be the best solution, I liked the stool idea if you can get away with it. Othewise I would treat it as you would any other form of abuse. Don't get dragged further down into a miserable life.

[kitten]

Reading and storing information and appreciating the perspectives given.

There have been some really intense, abusive and scary 'events' as of late and as I looked at it and tried to step away from it- I realized the patterns and that I was too close to see it all before.

Thanks very much! In time, I will work out what is best for our family and for us - whatever that may look like. The best part right now, is that I am no longer going to let it be abusive and let it control us. I am going to be proactive and not let it take over. I am not going to let myself be isolated anymore.

I have contacted my employee assistance program and ordered some books and talked to my siblings for support. It was embarrassing to admit what I have been going through but that was the first step.They have been awesome and have offered every kind of support I could possibly need.

hugs to all-

[**Peg**]

hi kitten, I am sorry to hear you are experiencing this and you are to be commended for reaching out for help.

I won't play armchair psychiatrist, I'm just a researcher, so I found a couple things might help you, as they helped me.

Here is a page which gives you the clinical definition of a PA person:

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/3672-the-passive-aggressive-negativistic-personality-disorder-papd/

excerpt:
The ICD-10 lists the passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder in Annex 1. To be diagnosed with this disorder, individuals must meet the general criteria of a personality disorder and at least five of the following: procrastination and delay in completing essential tasks -- particularly those that others seek to have completed; unjustified protests that others make unreasonable demands; sulkiness, irritability or argumentativeness when asked to do something that the individual does not want to do; unreasonable criticism or scorn for authority figures; deliberately slow or poor work on unwanted tasks; obstruction of the efforts of others even as these individuals fail to do their share of the work; and avoidance of obligations by claiming to have forgotten them (ICD-10, 1994, pp. 329-330).

a perfect description of my ex-husband if ever there was one. He is also a hoarder, and was also diagnosed with clinical depression, hence I sought out that forum.

here is a link to a discussion forum which you may want to visit:

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/33485-depressed-and-passive-aggressive/

best of luck to you in the future kitten. (We really need a rose icon in here)

Peg

[welickit]

Sounds to us like a serious situation. We hope you will stand your ground but at the same time be safe. If things come to a point of physical aggression you need to back off and then get out at the earliest possible time. Once you make a decision to leave (if it comes to that) DO NOT LOOK BACK. Take care of yourself first. Promises of better conduct seldom pan out and things get worse. We certainly wish you the best of luck.:2cents:

[Bluebiyou]

Hi Kitten!

Passive aggressive is a manipulative behavior, and is another form of aggression (which falls under manipulative and highly selfish behavior).
Whether it's the two extraordinarily fat minority women very slowly walking side by side in a public venue who ignore other folks presence, indeed take pleasure that they're obstructing people, or simply casting a manipulative trip (often guilt) on a loved one.

If you love someone, you love them. Fine and dandy. That doesn't mean you can't call them out on their manipulative behavior.
People who respect you avoid manipulating you; they don't find more clever ways to manipulate. Manipulative is usually something different than argumentative, not always.
Manipulation prone people have problems respecting themselves, and thusly others.

Good luck Kitten!

[Maggot]

excerpt:
The ICD-10 lists the passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder in Annex 1. To be diagnosed with this disorder, individuals must meet the general criteria of a personality disorder and at least five of the following: procrastination and delay in completing essential tasks -- particularly those that others seek to have completed; unjustified protests that others make unreasonable demands; sulkiness, irritability or argumentativeness when asked to do something that the individual does not want to do; unreasonable criticism or scorn for authority figures; deliberately slow or poor work on unwanted tasks; obstruction of the efforts of others even as these individuals fail to do their share of the work; and avoidance of obligations by claiming to have forgotten them (ICD-10, 1994, pp. 329-330).


Hi Kitten - sounds just like my husband, who also suffers clinical depression amongst other problems (I blame his parents - hyper controlling, hyper critical people - they don't like me very much)

You're already on the right track Kitten - stepping back and saying "I know what you are doing and I will not allow it" is the start of everything for you. Getting support, which you are doing already, is essential - I would suggest speaking with your family Doctor is also an avenue worth taking, if its available.

Having your time, your space is so important, do something that is entirely yours and do not be dissuaded from it.

[Fresia]

Bump it up!

[tenni]

bump up Fresia

[charles-smythe]

I have come to terms with understanding that in the few next weeks it will be our 30th anniversary and in less than pleasant circumstances, I have realized that I am married to a seriously passive/aggressive man. I have also realized that I have been an enabler and have given until I can give not much more. I am feeling foolish and angry for taking the blame so many times and for trying to make things right when I wasn't the one making things wrong. I am done with getting mixed messages and being the scapegoat.

This is not meant as a whiner message but a statement that I am beginning anew and hope that I can start the spread of a message to other victims. I hope that I can provide support and gain some from this wonderful community.

Passive/aggressive behavior is not considered a "disorder" but it includes many behaviors that are abusive and hurtful. I am in progress of learning how to be stronger and maintain my sense of self while still loving my partner for his good qualities.

Thanks for letting me make my stand and statement that proves I am ready to begin again....if you have been an enabler for that long...when you stop...you can kiss your relationship good-by...