How would you handle this situation?

[The Black Knights]

I know this guy who is married to a wonderful lady who I live near: Both of them are closeted bisexuals. She "prefers" women and won't touch any men other than her husband, he prefers women, but he says privately that he prefers (some) transsexuals more than men. She is older and also more experienced as a bisexual, he is younger, less experienced as a bisexual, but is more sexually open-minded overall. Both have been swingers (separately) in the past, but he is more experienced. Here is the issue: she has a relatively low sex drive(and is fine with that), he is a borderline nympho. Both are cool with the other being bi, but she is totally against him doing anything with anyone of the opposite sex. He is not as opposed to what she might do, regardless of her preferences,(she won't touch other men), and he knows this.
If you were her, would you work out a agreement (like a open marriage) to let him play around with other ladies (as well as other men or transsexuals) to satisfy his much higher sex drive, as long as he plays safe (which he does anyway, which she can attest to), and if she gets to watch (if she wants to)? Should he agree to the same for her (if he had similar concerns)? Should they just be monogamous with each other and do nothing else with anyone else, like (most) married couples?
Lastly, a (mostly) unrelated question from me: If you were a couple like the one above (a married female/male couple where both are bi and like to play with others of the same sex). If one partner is cool with their spouse watching them play with another of the same sex, but the other spouse isn't (and said how they like to play under those conditions is the reason for wanting privacy, not the preferences of the other same-sex partner), should the other spouse be upset, or just deal with it? I am pretty sure I would be upset, but I am not them. I am not sure what to think. What do you think?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol interesting question......

ok... the hard past is in the fact that she has a low sex drive, are you talking about a lack of interest in sex with the partner, or a lack of sexual interest at all, cos there is a big difference....

low sex drive can manifest in 3 main ways.....

no sexual interest ( making love )
no sexual interest ( non penetrative interaction )
no sexual desire ( lacking a desire to be intimate on any level )

so my next question is what have they done as a couple to resolve the issue without going outside of the marriage... and I am talking about things like masturabation and digital stimulation.......

even people with low or no sex drive are capable of doing things to satisfy a partner, but its very hard to satisfy a partner that is not satisfied with whats being offered and wants more

being asexual myself ( no sex drive ) but having had a good number of years being sexually active, personally I would question the borderline sex addict aspect of the male partner, and if it is a need for sex, or some other issue....
as the way its posted, doesn't read to me like bisexual urges, but sexual urges and desires that he wants, filled by both genders and that sounds to me like he is asking for permission to go swinging

what about the wifes wants, needs and desires, what are hers.... and what is he doing to address her wants and needs, and I am talking about all aspects, not just sexual, but romantic, IE hugs, kisses, time together.......

would I suggest a monogamous relationship ??? mmm no, it may work for the ladi due to the low sex drive aspect, but thats not considering the romantic aspect, and as for the male, well based around a number of threads and posts in the forum, if his sex drive is that high, he may well end up swinging anyway, without permission, so it comes down to the personal opinion that a monogamous relationship is most likely not a option for him.....

so it comes back to the remark about equal rules for both people.... but again with a low sex drive, the rules may be equal, but not the playing field, as the male is pretty much asking for free realm that he will actively use, but she may not...... and again, what will be done to address her desires and needs, since his are being met for the most part.....

[The Black Knights]

Good question...she has low sexual interest..with anyone. She said she loves sex with her husband...but just doesn't want sex very often (once every 4-6 weeks). The companionship and intimacy (other than sex) that they share is apparently more than enough for her and it is good for him too. She realizes that he wants more sex (especially with her) than her, but apparently doesn't care, which does bother him. He doesn't want to cheat, but he doesn't feel that it would be fair for him to sacrifice his sex drive just because she doesn't want to. He has always had a fairly high sex drive, but has always maintained great control of it, partially due to will and largely due to lack of viable partners (especially when he was younger).
True, swinging (for him or them) would be a thought, but they live in a area where there are few viable partners (that either would consider for themselves or the other spouse), and she is (mostly) against going to sex parties, period, due to privacy and personal preference. He addresses her non-sexual needs well....and is ready and able when she does wants sex and takes care of business. Her only "demand" is that he understands when she wants sex with another woman, which she would want to do by herself. Neither has had sex with the same gender in front of the other to my knowledge. Hard choice.

[niftyshellshock]

Good question...she has low sexual interest..with anyone. She said she loves sex with her husband...but just doesn't want sex very often (once every 4-6 weeks). The companionship and intimacy (other than sex) that they share is apparently more than enough for her and it is good for him too. She realizes that he wants more sex (especially with her) than her, but apparently doesn't care, which does bother him. He doesn't want to cheat, but he doesn't feel that it would be fair for him to sacrifice his sex drive just because she doesn't want to. He has always had a fairly high sex drive, but has always maintained great control of it, partially due to will and largely due to lack of viable partners (especially when he was younger).
True, swinging (for him or them) would be a thought, but they live in a area where there are few viable partners (that either would consider for themselves or the other spouse), and she is (mostly) against going to sex parties, period, due to privacy and personal preference. He addresses her non-sexual needs well....and is ready and able when she does wants sex and takes care of business. Her only "demand" is that he understands when she wants sex with another woman, which she would want to do by herself. Neither has had sex with the same gender in front of the other to my knowledge. Hard choice.

It'd be easier if you'd use the personal pronoun.

[4Robert4]

I think that if she is ok with him fooling around with other bi men then that is all good but if she isn't ok with him doing the same with women then he needs to respect that. I would sit down and talk about though. She may realise that by having such a low sex drive that it is something she needs to allow to prevent him from cheating and causing problems between them. If she is ok with being intimate with another man then why not anther woman, a person is a person, the main thing to get your head around is the intimate part of the situation I feel, having to come to terms with that myself at present.
Good luck and hope it all works out.

Second point, if one insists on watching but refuses to be watched. I would be upset and annoyed and refusing to allow my partner to watch. You may have to sit down and re asses the rules. Every other session is to be watched etc so both partners are happy. It can't be one rule for one and one rule for the other. That just leads to resentment.

[Long Duck Dong]

Good question...she has low sexual interest..with anyone. She said she loves sex with her husband...but just doesn't want sex very often (once every 4-6 weeks). The companionship and intimacy (other than sex) that they share is apparently more than enough for her and it is good for him too. She realizes that he wants more sex (especially with her) than her, but apparently doesn't care, which does bother him. He doesn't want to cheat, but he doesn't feel that it would be fair for him to sacrifice his sex drive just because she doesn't want to. He has always had a fairly high sex drive, but has always maintained great control of it, partially due to will and largely due to lack of viable partners (especially when he was younger).
True, swinging (for him or them) would be a thought, but they live in a area where there are few viable partners (that either would consider for themselves or the other spouse), and she is (mostly) against going to sex parties, period, due to privacy and personal preference. He addresses her non-sexual needs well....and is ready and able when she does wants sex and takes care of business. Her only "demand" is that he understands when she wants sex with another woman, which she would want to do by herself. Neither has had sex with the same gender in front of the other to my knowledge. Hard choice.

ok.... based around the answers, I am going to assume that her low sex drive is possibly a hormonal imbalance or one that is a result of a change in mental status ( clinical depression )..... thats not something that you have to reveal either..... its just that it matchs signs I have seen before many times....

it sounds like the partner cares a lot and is going out of his way to look after his partner and her needs, as well as respecting her rights as his partner...... and that is awesome.....

personally, if it was my partner, I would suggest a doctors appointment and / or a therapist, so that any medical issues can be dealt with, for the benefit of both partners, and the therapist to help mediate a working agreement that works for both partners.....

part of the issue I see as a outsider, is if the male partner is having sex with other females, it can place the female partner at a * loss * as she is not providing for her partner and so at risk from the * competition * even if there is no risk to her or to the relationship.....

that raises a question.... does the female partner see a trans person as a male or a female ?

as this stage, my main advice is to seek a working agreement between both partners that can be sexual or non sexual ( doctor and therapist ) as it may be a sexual aspect for the male, but for the female, it appears to be other issues.....

[NW6942]

I think you should just fuck them both at once and shout "Let that be a lesson to ya!"

[BiDaveDtown]

It'd be easier if you'd use the personal pronoun.

I agree. It's obvious that the original poster is probably talking about himself and his girlfriend/wife.


I think you should just fuck them both at once and shout "Let that be a lesson to ya!"

LMAO Your reply made me laugh!

I don't think the original poster or most people would want to do especially to their wife but who knows?

He'd also have to use a dildo up his own ass in order to fuck himself. :)

[The Black Knights]

Long Duck raised some good points. I will mention them to my friends (well to him, I don't want her kicking my ass over this!). As far as NW's idea...funny! But I am not going there because I want to keep my genitals intact! As far as how she sees transsexuals...I have to guess she doesn't see them as women, from what little he told me, hence no "competition" to her. I am not even sure she knows he apparently likes transsexuals. He didn't go into detail about it. I was mildly surprised he told me as much as he did and I don't really believe she is bi. She just doesn't look it. I guess he is really worried about things. I hope they work it out. I know too many divorced people already.

[**Peg**]

...and I don't really believe she is bi. She just doesn't look it...

what does a bi woman look like?

[a_curious_guy_2010]

I don't really believe she is bi. She just doesn't look it.

What does bi 'look like', exactly?

EDIT: LOL, **Peg** beat me to it by just seconds.

[The Black Knights]

The bi (and gay) women I know are pretty open about it and there is ..something in their personality allows me to see she is bi before she tells me. This lady has a much more shy personality and that is why I was surprised. I am not trying to insult anyone....

[Gearbox]

Bi women always wear elegant frilly lace dresses and use a very moderate amount of blusher and soft shades of pink lipstick. But if you look closely, they have men's boxers on and smoke a pipe.;)

Bi men wear 501's, rock motif T-shirts from the 70's, drink beer, watch football and loves fiddling with car engines on a Sunday morn. But if you look closely, they've always got a semi on, have a sachet of lube in their back pocket and whistle Lady Gaga songs.;)

IT'S TRUE!:bigrin:

@ The OP who has an uncanny intimate knowledge of the bi couple in question:rolleyes: - Just try something out and see what they like and don't like with experience.;)

[Stargazer1417]

There is no blanket right answer to questions like this. "Normal" or "Acceptable" are all relative and its neither possible nor correct to tell someone what they should or should not be upset about. (Certainly people can be irrational when upset by something which really isn't a big deal, but thats not really what we are talking about here.)

What it boils down to in this situation and with all such situations in couples is what is right for both people. Their feelings are both valid and worth considering and they have to then consider what can be done, what must be done, and the likely outcomes of each.

What must be done is making sure both people in the relationship are comfortable with whatever goes on. If you don't do that, the likely outcome will be the decay of the relationship. Sex is a sacred activity in most relationships, but the "rules" vary based on what is acceptable to each couple. Most of the time, if one person in the relationship violates the "rules" the other person has, the relationship will collapse. (It is critical to be up front and honest with these "rules.") That doesn't always mean full destruction of the bond, but it often does mean a diminished capacity for emtional or sexual connection and trust.

What can be done, then, is whatever works within the confines of the "rules" that govern that couple. Only they can figure this out.

Yes, sexual satisfaction is hugely important. But if he believes his marriage is more important than, say, his ability to mess around with other women, then he has to make that sacrafice because whether right or wrong the bottom line here is that she is not ok with it and for him to do it anyway will hurt their relationship. She can make the conscious decision to allow it if she wants, she can tell herself she is ok with it, but if she really isn't no amount of self coaching will change that and whether she realizes it or not she will come to resent him.

If, however, he does not feel the stability of the marriage is more important that his needs in this area, that is actually ok too. He just needs to be honest with her about that.

The only wrong answer here is for her to be under the expectation that he respect her needs and desires, when his own needs, desires, and eventual actions are in direct conflict. It is critical they are both honest with what they need and what they intend to do so they both have realistic expectations and all the information they need to move forward however is right for them.

Perhaps a solution here might be for him to only be with other men, or perhaps just transgendered people. If she would be alright with that, he could have sexual stimulation outside of what she can provide without violating her "rules."

I hope any of this made sense... one of those "I knew what I meant" moments. My point, I guess, is that it really is all relative and feelings are what they are. They are often quite difficult to change and unfortunately if they want their relationship to be successful I think in this case the best thing they can do is set boundaries that are within their mutual comfort zone and not try to change one another or their respective feelings. Hopefully it can work out for them both. :2cents: