Less than Bi?

[EastCoastKelly]

I am the straight wife to a man who told me he has an attraction to men and women but can't consider himself bi because he is not equally attracted to men and women. He doesn't usually have an overwhelming need to have sexual contact with men, maybe a few times a month and he likes to meet different guys every time. :confused:

He said he likes very specific things from men: jerking off and oral sex.

He says has no desire for a relationship (including no cuddling and kissing) or a boyfriend or anal sex. He doesn't love gay porn, straight porn, or lesbian porn but loves pictures of naked men (usually solo, but more than one man is good too). Curiously, he enjoys giving oral sex to men but not women.

He said he has no reason to lie (as I totally accept attraction/sex as part of who you are and I am comfortable with him being bi) but he says he really doesn't feel bi but he obviously doesn't feel straight either! He says there is no label for what he is.

Honestly, until I found these forums I was thinking that he wasn't being honest with himself... maybe he wasn't letting himself want men for anything else because he didn't want to be gay. Now I don't know what to think except that I'm inclined to believe him but don't understand it at all!

So he is not bi, not gay, not straight. :confused: I don't even know what I'm looking for here. I guess I just want to understand him.

[niftyshellshock]

Dude's bi.

[EastCoastKelly]

Dude's bi.

I think so too. I guess it's him that I need to convince :tong:

[obviousbulge]

I think so too. I guess it's him that I need to convince :tong:

Sorry dear that to tell you he is Bisexual and may have know from early age in life like the most of us men and woman. Also happy that you are ok with this in him being honest with you. Just stand beside your men and try to be there from him when he needs to open up.

[softfruit]

Hello Kelly,

I'm glad you found a place to ask questions.

People's choice of label is a complicated thing, but the definition of bisexuality that Bisexual Index offer is one I like a lot when it comes to this "am I bi enough" / "50-50" thing. If you're in the English Channel between Dover and Calais, it doesn't matter if you are in the middle or half a mile from the shore, you're still wet.

However, that's not to say that he is obliged to use "the b word" about himself - many people don't who are arguably some sort of bisexual!

It sounds like you're doing lots of the right things already. Don't pressure him to find a label to fit; labels often constrain or worry people especially if they are just sorting their heads out.

Talk to him about what he wants and needs and what you want and need for your relationship to work: and keep talking because as he and you both explore those things, what you want and need may change over time. Do talk about sexual health: don't panic about it, but do learn about stuff and be sure you're being tested if he is doing anything that might pick up an infection. HIV is the biggy we all hear about but things like syphilis are out there too, and you don't want to have to deal with those in your life either!

A lot of this may be saying things you already know; from what you say you're one hell of a wonderful wife for him to be having to say these things to -- researching, listening, supporting. Good luck, and keep this place bookmarked! :)

[rutemptedalso]

He's honest.... that's the important part. Just go with it.

[BiDaveDtown]

He's in denial about his sexuality.

[EastCoastKelly]

If he is in denial about his sexuality, how can I help him come to terms with it?

Like I said, I don't really understand it.



-

Hello Kelly,

I'm glad you found a place to ask questions.

People's choice of label is a complicated thing, but the definition of bisexuality that Bisexual Index offer is one I like a lot when it comes to this "am I bi enough" / "50-50" thing. If you're in the English Channel between Dover and Calais, it doesn't matter if you are in the middle or half a mile from the shore, you're still wet...

Thanks for your thoughts! :) I won't push him to label himself but I do see your point. I consider him bi.

[BiDaveDtown]

If he is in denial about his sexuality, how can I help him come to terms with it?

Like I said, I don't really understand it.

Thanks for your thoughts! :) I won't push him to label himself but I do see your point. I consider him bi.

There's nothing you can do to help him or make him come to terms with his sexuality and stop being in denial.

He has to do this himself and stop living in denial that he's bisexual.

You can be supportive, talk to him, and tell him about bisexuality but the rest is up to him.

[4Robert4]

I'm straight and realise from what you said that he is clearly not hetrosexual. If he doesnt think he is bi then what does he believe he is then? Unfortunatly people love to pigeon hole and because he has sexual relations with both female and male then he is going to be classified as bi.

Does it matter though if he says he is or is not bi as he is the same you love either way.

[StockyAsian]

Hi! Kelly,

Welcome to the site.

Based on what you wrote, I don't think that your husband is in denial at all. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like to do with other males. What he's looking for is a label that defines a group of people that have the same specifics in terms of what they like. I think that the label that he's looking for is Heteroflexible.

Heteroflexible (Urban dictionary): Not gay or bisexual, but in between bi and straight. A person who enjoys sex with both male & females but considers themself heterosexual in the sense that they do not relate with the same sex for an emotional relationship like a bi-sexual could. Heteroflexible is a heterosexual person that is beyond the bi-curious stage but would never engage in an emotional relationship with the same sex.

[drugstore cowboy]

Hi! Kelly,

Welcome to the site.

Based on what you wrote, I don't think that your husband is in denial at all. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like to do with other males. What he's looking for is a label that defines a group of people that have the same specifics in terms of what they like. I think that the label that he's looking for is Heteroflexible.

Heteroflexible (Urban dictionary): Not gay or bisexual, but in between bi and straight. A person who enjoys sex with both male & females but considers themself heterosexual in the sense that they do not relate with the same sex for an emotional relationship like a bi-sexual could. Heteroflexible is a heterosexual person that is beyond the bi-curious stage but would never engage in an emotional relationship with the same sex.

Terms like Heteroflexible and bi-curious are just other terms for being bisexual that people who are bisexual but either confused or in denial use when they don't actually want to admit that they are bisexual.

[StockyAsian]

Terms like Heteroflexible and bi-curious are just other terms for being bisexual that people who are bisexual but either confused or in denial use when they don't actually want to admit that they are bisexual.

You're an ass and you seek every opportunity to prove that you're an ass. Stop hijacking other people's threads to seek attention.

[happygolucky40]

I will re-iterate what most people have said on this post and others. If he's interested in same-sex contact then he's acting on bisexual tendencies. He may not want to label himself as such and that's up to him but from your perspective and most of the general public he's bi. Regarding the sexual acts and his likes/dislikes it seems very normal. I'm seeing that most bi men are particular in terms of what they like or are comfortable with. Some only want mutual touching and oral while others don't want touching and only want anal. It's just a matter of preference. There are women that won't go down on men but want men to down no them. So it sounds like your husband has very specific tastes and wants when it comes to his interaction with men.

The important part is that you guys are honest with one another and that you keep the communication open (Which it sounds like you're already doing). Don't get hung up on the labels but rather on the actions. As long as you're both comfortable with what he's doing then it really doesn't matter how he's labeled?

[slipnslide]

Why does he need a label for his sexuality? It is what it is, just go with it. It's not like he needs to pick a team or anything.

[StockyAsian]

I will re-iterate what most people have said on this post and others. If he's interested in same-sex contact then he's acting on bisexual tendencies. He may not want to label himself as such and that's up to him but from your perspective and most of the general public he's bi. Regarding the sexual acts and his likes/dislikes it seems very normal. I'm seeing that most bi men are particular in terms of what they like or are comfortable with. Some only want mutual touching and oral while others don't want touching and only want anal. It's just a matter of preference. There are women that won't go down on men but want men to down no them. So it sounds like your husband has very specific tastes and wants when it comes to his interaction with men.

The important part is that you guys are honest with one another and that you keep the communication open (Which it sounds like you're already doing). Don't get hung up on the labels but rather on the actions. As long as you're both comfortable with what he's doing then it really doesn't matter how he's labeled?

Great point, very well said.


Why does he need a label for his sexuality? It is what it is, just go with it. It's not like he needs to pick a team or anything.

True.

[drugstore cowboy]

StockyAsian I'm sorry did you actually say something?

[Gearbox]

Terms like Heteroflexible and bi-curious are just other terms for being bisexual that people who are bisexual but either confused or in denial use when they don't actually want to admit that they are bisexual.
Well that sounds about right to me anyway.:)

What in the name of Lady Gaga is 'Heteroflexible' supposed to be?
Somewhere between heterosexual and bisexual? Where's that?

How about blokes who only like receiving bjs from a bloke?
Is that Heteroflexible-Curious? Or Heterosexual-Desperate?:bigrin:
Women who only like a snog with each other?
Heteroflexible-bi-Oral Romantic Lipstick Lesbians?:rolleyes:

He likes a bit of cock + He likes a bit of vadge! The man is Bisexual.
IMO.:2cents:

[slipnslide]

Terms like Heteroflexible and bi-curious are just other terms for being bisexual that people who are bisexual but either confused or in denial use when they don't actually want to admit that they are bisexual.

Or they just feel those loosely defined labels suit them best. Bisexual is a pretty meaningless term in and of itself. It doesn't say anything about where someone's sexuality lies in the spectrum - just that it's not at one end or the other.

[EastCoastKelly]

Thanks for the discussion, this is all very interesting! I had no idea what being Bi was really about but I'm trying to understand, I want to understand.

I thought being bi meant that you like men and women equally... and being a woman who likes men, I can tell you that I can't imagine saying "I don't want to kiss you, be in a relationship with you, or make love to you but I'd like to blow you exclusively and nothing else, ever!"

So, whether it is right or wrong, I wondered if he was not being honest with himself or with me.

[bikiniman]

There is a massive grey area between hetrosexual and Homosexual.

Rather than apply labels which have different meanings to different people I found it useful to use the Kinsey scale (0-6) developed by Alfred Kinsey to help me understand my own sexual orientation.

The following test I have found very useful to help me understand my own sexual orientation. This test combines the Kinsey scale with work By Howard Klein that suggests that sexual orientation is fluid and can change over time.

http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/kleingrid.php

I suggest you sit down and do this with your husband. You should do it to.

[tenni]

Hey Kelly
You do not have to like men and women equally before you call yourself bi. In fact, bisexuals can have a ebb and flow to their sexual attraction. This day/week/year it might be women and then bam...it switches to men with no interest in women. It can also be equal. As others have written there is a wide range and we don't even stay put sometimes. Not being emotionally attracted to other men is quite common for biguys. For some it is all about the dick and that is it.

It doesn't really matter what your husband calls himself as far as I'm concerned. Just as long as he doesn't come on this site presenting himself as an expert on bisex when he is asexual...:tongue:

As others have stated, he is being honest with you. That is the best for both of you. Good luck.

[Long Duck Dong]

kelly, he may be bi, he may not, but hes happy with who he is and so are you, do you really want or need to change that for the sake of a word ?

accepting ourselves as we are, is something that people find hard to do, as they are often told to * conform * and use the * correct * label for themselves...... yet we live in a society where people battle against being made to conform and *fit the mould *

be happy, enjoy your marriage and your husband.....

being bisexual means that a person can enjoy the company of the same and opposite genders on a number of levels, and often bisexuals have a inequal attraction to both genders, some have a equal attraction to both genders..... and within that range, we have the heteroflexible / bi curious people that have a attraction but often have not defined it fully or in simple terms, they have fantasies and desires, but have not acted on them and some people use that term to define themselves as a person that doesn't see themselves as a bisexual person, but a person with a interest in some aspects of the same gender, but do not have the more broader interests such as watching porn, dreams, desiring open relationships and threesomes etc......

the differcult part is that there is no real defined term of bisexual, only a broad term that is used freely by people to label others...... and indeed, they often bend and change the defination of bisexual to fit other people, but scream the house down, if the same tactic is used on them

I myself, am a bisexual asexual ( you watch the militant bisexual crew start shit over that as they have done in a number of threads ) what it means is I lack a sex drive.... and for over 20 years I was sexually active with males and females, yet am told that I am not allowed to call myself a bisexual, even tho I have had sex with both genders and romantic connections to both genders....... so there is no real defination of what is a bisexual and who is a bisexual, only people that want to have their opinion regarded as the * law and rule * of bisexualdom....

so can you can see, in general terms I would be more bisexual natured and experienced than your husband, but I am told I am not allowed to be a bisexual..... so what does that make your husband ?

[drugstore cowboy]

Or they just feel those loosely defined labels suit them best. Bisexual is a pretty meaningless term in and of itself. It doesn't say anything about where someone's sexuality lies in the spectrum - just that it's not at one end or the other.

This is coming from the guy that wants to go back into the closet of fear and shame and deny his bisexuality. :rolleyes:

Kelly, have your husband come out and accept his sexuality since he'll be far better off this way than if he denies his sexuality and he'll wind up denying his sexuality and going back into the closet like this: http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11488

The sexual orientation of bisexual means that you're at least sexually attracted to both men and women. Some bisexuals can fall in love with both genders but not all bisexuals do.

Terms like heteroflexible and bi-curious are just other terms for being bisexual.

The people who use these terms/labels are the closeted types who are ashamed of their bisexuality and are very low on the Kinsey scale. ;)

[pepperjack]

I thought somewhere between being hetero & bi was bi-curious; I'm beyond that label now; used it while experimenting; have enuff experiences by now to convince me; I like sex with both sexes;have had good & bad experiences w/both;ur a good, supportive woman; looking for someone like u;found this site by googling "women who like bisexual men;" u need to get him on here.

[DuckiesDarling]

Why does he need a label for you? If he's happy with what he wants, that should be what matters. Enjoy your life together and forget about labels. It doesn't mean he's "in denial of his sexuality", personally, it appears to me he has his sexuality well in hand, he just doesn't have a way to define it that would satisfy a pack of jackals that think everyone should have a label so they can pigeon hole them. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole, honey. Just be happy together and welcome to the site.

[slipnslide]

The human brain is essentially a massive pattern recognition machine. That's why people need nice clean labels - so they can compare to other things they know. Bisexuality though is like saying something is grey. There's a lot of shades.

Kinsey puts bisexual right in the middle, but gives other labels for other states. See Kinsey scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale).

Bisexuality doesn't run 1-5 according to Kinsey, it's a 3. If your husband is a 1 or a 2, is that bisexual? Not by Kinsey, but a bunch of people here would make arguments, and likely compelling ones, that he is bi. So again, don't get caught up in labels and trying to figure out "what he is". He's the same guy he was before, there's just more to his sexuality than you understood.

[drugstore cowboy]

The human brain is essentially a massive pattern recognition machine. That's why people need nice clean labels - so they can compare to other things they know. Bisexuality though is like saying something is grey. There's a lot of shades.

Kinsey puts bisexual right in the middle, but gives other labels for other states. See Kinsey scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale).

Bisexuality doesn't run 1-5 according to Kinsey, it's a 3. If your husband is a 1 or a 2, is that bisexual? Not by Kinsey, but a bunch of people here would make arguments, and likely compelling ones, that he is bi. So again, don't get caught up in labels and trying to figure out "what he is". He's the same guy he was before, there's just more to his sexuality than you understood.

Wrong. You need to study human sexuality and bisexuality more and stop pretending and wishing that you were or are heterosexual since you're not.

The Kinsey scale accurately describes bisexuality. Everything from 1-5 is bisexual.

I've read the actual Kinsey study that the scale was originally published in and everything inbetween points 0 (hetero/straight) and 6 (homosexual man/lesbian woman) is bisexual and Kinsey described people who are from 1-5 as being bisexual. Other bisexuals on this site have said this as well. It does not make someone who is a 3 somehow "more" bisexual than someone who is a 5.

LOL I went to the link you supplied and it showed a picture of the scale and had this under it:
"Kinsey scale of sexual responses, indicating the varying degrees of bisexuality"

In Kinsey's studies he even described asexuals like Long Duck dong and called them an X since they have no sexual desire or sexual attraction to anyone at all.

[slipnslide]

Wrong. You need to study human sexuality and bisexuality more and stop pretending and wishing that you were or are heterosexual since you're not.

The Kinsey scale accurately describes bisexuality. Everything from 1-5 is bisexual.

I've read the actual Kinsey study that the scale was originally published in and everything inbetween points 0 (hetero/straight) and 6 (homosexual man/lesbian woman) is bisexual and Kinsey described people who are from 1-5 as being bisexual. Other bisexuals on this site have said this as well. It does not make someone who is a 3 somehow "more" bisexual than someone who is a 5.

LOL I went to the link you supplied and it showed a picture of the scale and had this under it:
"Kinsey scale of sexual responses, indicating the varying degrees of bisexuality"

In Kinsey's studies he even described asexuals like Long Duck dong and called them an X since they have no sexual desire or sexual attraction to anyone at all.

Instead of arguing with people, why don't you come clean about your political motivations? That seems to be your driving force. You desperately want (or need) people to see things your way.

We're listening.

[niftyshellshock]

Hi! Kelly,

Welcome to the site.

Based on what you wrote, I don't think that your husband is in denial at all. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like to do with other males. What he's looking for is a label that defines a group of people that have the same specifics in terms of what they like. I think that the label that he's looking for is Heteroflexible.

Heteroflexible (Urban dictionary): Not gay or bisexual, but in between bi and straight. A person who enjoys sex with both male & females but considers themself heterosexual in the sense that they do not relate with the same sex for an emotional relationship like a bi-sexual could. Heteroflexible is a heterosexual person that is beyond the bi-curious stage but would never engage in an emotional relationship with the same sex.

Stealing that term. :D

[softfruit]

drugstore_cowboy's right on this one - and I dunno about their other postings but on this their only 'agenda' is accurate reporting.

kinsey's "3" isn't "bisexual" but "equally attracted" (to same- and opposite- sex). The whole space from 0.00000001 to 5.99999999 is bi on the kinsey line; what word people happen to use for themselves is as irrelevant to that.

[dbltrbl69]

Wow more drama than reality TV. My girlfriend says we are tri sexual...we'll tri almost anything. Less arguing, more sex... Some of you need to go get laid and chill out!!! Lol just saying!!

[NotLostJustWandering]

The human brain is essentially a massive pattern recognition machine. That's why people need nice clean labels - so they can compare to other things they know. Bisexuality though is like saying something is grey. There's a lot of shades.

Exactly. Light gray and dark gray are still gray.


Kinsey puts bisexual right in the middle, but gives other labels for other states. See Kinsey scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale).


I don't think the link you provide supports your claim. Sure, of all the positions on the scale, #4 alone is described with the single word "bisexual", but is "Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual" a label? Kinda long for that epithet, don't you think? Kinsey was trying to describe degrees of bisexuality with scientific accuracy. You are claiming that Kinsey saw bisexuality as exclusive of heterosexuality and homosexuality, rather than overlapping or partaking of both. If he actually said anything to that effect, I would be interested in a verifiable citation. Note also that Kinsey did not use labels such as "straight", "gay" or "lesbian."

So, where exactly is bisexuality defined as having equal attraction to men and women? The Oxford dictionary (http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/bisexual?region=us)? No.

bisexual(bi·sex·u·al)
adjective

*sexually attracted to both men and women.
*Biology having characteristics of both sexes.

noun

*a person who is sexually attracted to both men and women.

Webster's dictionary (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bisexual)? No.

Definition of BISEXUAL
1
a : possessing characters of both sexes : hermaphroditic b : of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes
2
: of, relating to, or involving both sexes
— bisexual noun
— bi·sex·u·al·i·ty \ˌbī-ˌsek-shə-ˈwa-lə-tē\ noun
— bi·sex·u·al·ly \(ˌ)bī-ˈsek-sh(ə-)wə-lē, -sh(ə-)lē\ adverb

First Known Use of BISEXUAL: 1824

The Cambridge dictionary (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/bisexual?q=bisexual)? No again.

bisexual
noun
a person who is attracted to both men and women

Clearly this idea that "bisexual" entails equal attraction to both genders is nothing more or less than an urban legend, a myth only slightly more informed than that which posits that we don't exist at all, that there is only exclusive heterosexuality and homosexuality. We should be fighting such myths, not perpetuating them.

Personally, I welcome terms such as "heteroflexible" because they help raise consciousness about how diverse bisexuality is. But heteroflexibility et al. are subsets of bisexuality, not exclusive of it. To claim otherwise is groundless, contradicts all authoritative definitions of bisexuality, and to me at least, stinks of biphobia.


Bisexual is a pretty meaningless term in and of itself. It doesn't say anything about where someone's sexuality lies in the spectrum - just that it's not at one end or the other.

This makes the term widely encompassing, not meaningless. It differentiates people who are attracted to both genders from those who are attracted to only one. Hence it is useful as a definition. Does the word "human" lack meaning?

[slipnslide]

This makes the term widely encompassing, not meaningless. It differentiates people who are attracted to both genders from those who are attracted to only one. Hence it is useful as a definition. Does the word "human" lack meaning?

No, human doesn't lack meaning. An animal either is human or it isn't.

Bisexual doesn't enjoy that distinction. If you have one same sex encounter are you bi? If someone doesn't identify as being bi are they bi because someone else thinks they are?

This Kinsey research is 60 years old now isn't it? Surely someone else has newer research and better labels if everyone insists on labelling everything.

I tried to find some post-Kinsey research but all I ended up with was articles about how Kinsey was flawed.

[NotLostJustWandering]

No, human doesn't lack meaning. An animal either is human or it isn't.

Bisexual doesn't enjoy that distinction. If you have one same sex encounter are you bi?

Just go back to the dictionary. If after having that one same-sex encounter, do you find that you are attracted to both genders? Yes? You are bisexual. No? You ain't.


If someone doesn't identify as being bi are they bi because someone else thinks they are?

As I just posted in another thread (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showpost.php?p=204413&postcount=16), you are totally free to identify as a chicken if you so please, but that doesn't make you a chicken.


This Kinsey research is 60 years old now isn't it? Surely someone else has newer research and better labels if everyone insists on labelling everything.

Cf. Fritz Klein.



I tried to find some post-Kinsey research but all I ended up with was articles about how Kinsey was flawed.

Did better than those who came before. And those who are trying to claim bisexuality is a 50%-50% deal are trying to turn the clock back.

[slipnslide]

Did better than those who came before. And those who are trying to claim bisexuality is a 50%-50% deal are trying to turn the clock back.

Or they're trying to drag everyone forward and create more granular and meaningful definitions. I have no problem with bisexual being 50/50 if we they provide definitions for the areas between the center and the other extremes.

Heteroflexible and homoflexible seem to be the most popular possibilities right now.

[NotLostJustWandering]

Or they're trying to drag everyone forward and create more granular and meaningful definitions. I have no problem with bisexual being 50/50 if we they provide definitions for the areas between the center and the other extremes.

Heteroflexible and homoflexible seem to be the most popular possibilities right now.

I think they're perfectly useful as subsets of "bisexual." If I personally need a more specific label than "bisexual", I happily identify as a "Kinsey-3."

[slipnslide]

I think they're perfectly useful as subsets of "bisexual." If I personally need a more specific label than "bisexual", I happily identify as a "Kinsey-4."

I'll buy that.

Sadly "The Bisexual Option" isn't available on Kindle or iBooks.

[NotLostJustWandering]

Incidentally, Mac McCloud, on his Bi Men Network (http://bi-men-network.grouply.com/), identifies 9 types of bi men and invents his own terms for them, using men's names. I'm not endorsing his terminology, just mentioning for anyone who might be interested. Sorry that I don't remember exactly where on the site it is.

[NotLostJustWandering]

I'll buy that.

Sadly "The Bisexual Option" isn't available on Kindle or iBooks.

Tried your local public library?

[slipnslide]

Incidentally, Mac McCloud, on his Bi Men Network (http://bi-men-network.grouply.com/), identifies 9 types of bi men and invents his own terms for them, using men's names. I'm not endorsing his terminology, just mentioning for anyone who might be interested. Sorry that I don't remember exactly where on the site it is.

I wasn't aware of that site. Worth checking out? Seems to be a great place to post your junk. :)

[Gearbox]

Heteroflexible and homoflexible seem to be the most popular possibilities right now.
There are 17 stabs in the dark attempts of defining a Heteroflexible, and 7 lucky guesses at defining a Homoflexible in the Urban Dictionary.
Good luck expecting anybody to KNOW what you mean when introducing yourself as either.

Heterosexuals do not like exactly the same things sexually. Same with bisexuals. But you don't hear anybody inventing a new sexuality because they only like MILFS, or DILFS, or BBW's, or don't do anal, or don't do relationships, or monogamy, or don't do oral, or only get off being dom'd, or domming, or WTS, or bondage, or etc etc etc etc etc just so they can disassociate themselves from the rest of the heterosexuals.

You can call yourself whatever you like. But your still going to have to explain what you like or don't like.
Can you imagine the bitching on a site called heteroflexible.com?:bigrin:

[NotLostJustWandering]

Can you imagine the bitching on a site called heteroflexible.com?:bigrin:

HILARIOUS!!! "Ummm... I'm not really comfortable with the heteroflexible label. I only fantasize about men, but I don't think I really want to have sex with them. I prefer to call myself heteromanual. God, I can't stand the heteromanualophobia on this site. I'm just trying to find a cool dude to jack off at the same time with while being in different rooms."

[slipnslide]

Can you imagine the bitching on a site called heteroflexible.com?:bigrin:

If you'd checked, you'd see that someone already bought it up.

[ashleycd]

Kelly, our labels here and arguments back and forth don't matter. though it's harder to summarize, you know what he is, at least what he is right now. he told you descriptively without label. he likes to have certain kind of sex with guys. fine. doesn't mean it won't change later either. let him tell you what verbage to use and use that. our labels are silly if they get in the way of you and him growing together through this if that's your goal. however, your labels or terminology will be great if it helps.

[Pasadenacpl2]

Kelly,

Your husband obviously defines the term differently than others. That is ok. You need to discuss with him terms and agree upon definitions. That way you ensure that you are communicating using agreed upon definitions.

For most, bisexual is an umbrella term. I don't think your husband is in denial. He has been honest and up front. He probably does not view bisexual as an umbrella term, but rather as a fixed point on the spectrum. That is ok. You just need to understand that currently the same term is being used to mean two different concepts.

I would reccomend discussing not only an agreed upon lexicon, but also discuss the varying veiws expressed here. You will find that the discussion yeilds an opportunity for self reflection for your husband.

Pasa

[love1234]

Bi and slut-ty bi with males!! imho

Your saying over thirty different dicks a year. I would not be happy if the wife was playing with that many females a year!!

[djones]

My personal take is that the guy is Bi. But what I'm getting from his reluctance to be identified as Bi is that there is a lot of negativity about Bisexuals propagated by main stream media, and the "queer" world as well. With a lot of negativity attached to a "label", no wonder the guy doesn't want to be called Bi.

For years, I considered myself "mostly straight" but with a sexual attraction to men as well. Over time, it seemed less of a clear way to sum up my sexuality, but the murky world of Bi identities - the many shades of gray - didn't really clarify things much more !

"Labeling" myself as Bisexual is the most accurate way to communicate to the world that I am not straight or gay. Unless there was a universally understood set of descriptives for all of the nuances within any sexuality, the general labels are the only way to communicate one's sexual orientation. When getting to know someone, then the subtleties and shades of gray can be dissected for greater understanding.

The ultimate goal is to establish a clear visibility of Bisexuals in our society - out from under the rainbow - and gain respect and acceptance. Perhaps I am a bit of a dreamer (thank you Johnny, I know I'm not the only one), but I think one day we can have a world where sexuality is accepted as simply one of many other character traits of an individual and not the defining line that it is today.

[EastCoastKelly]

Thanks again everyone, for the conversation. I absolutely realize that labels are not the most important thing, but I'm going to reiterate again that I'm trying to understand my husband and finding this site (by researching bisexual) is helping! If I had NO LABEL to google, then I wouldn't get very far :tong: I admit (and may have already admitted) that I really don't understand all the shades of grey. On one hand, I'm trusting my husband to tell me what he likes and doesn't... but I do think that it is possible that he is in a bit of denial. I've learned from a bit of research and reading this week that there are many more shades of gray than I ever realized.

My husband is attracted to men and women and I'm convinced that makes him bi. He doesn't have to identify that way if he doesn't want to. He told me he never really thought about what he was but was very confused for much of his life because he had this sexual attraction to guys which he did not understand because he didn't have the emotional attraction to them. He said he just hates the thought of a relationship with a guy. NOW, for myself, that's a little hard to understand! To me, sex is all wrapped up with closeness and wanting to talk and kiss etc.




Bi and slut-ty bi with males!! imho

Your saying over thirty different dicks a year. I would not be happy if the wife was playing with that many females a year!!

Sorry, he said he gets those really strong urges a few times a month where he WANTS mutual oral sex with guys but doesn't act on it because he's too busy, there's no one available at the moment, or he takes care of it himself.

Not that even 6-8 guys in the past year isn't slutty... because to ME, it is. It is not 30-40 dicks a year though.

Since he's come out to me, our sex life has been better and he said he has not had the urge to act WITH another man in over 2 months. He said he would just rather role play with me. I realize next week he could tell me he badly wants... what I can't give him... then he may find a guy. I wish it weren't so, but I realize I can't be everything for him.