Coming out, married. . .

[ynot201013]

Hi,

After struggling for years with the "curios v. bi" debate within myself I have pretty much accepted to myself that I am bi. When I was younger (29 now) I did have some experiences with guys but I never had an emotional attachment to a man, I am not really sure if I can be attracted to a guy emotionally. I am married and with a 5 yr old boy.

I think I should be open with my wife about this, not because I would try to act on any bi feelings, the feeling to be open with her about this is starting to be overwhelming. However, our marriage has been very very rocky in the last year (Not because of this), I don't think she respects me as a person anymore, I think she still loves me. She has also expressed in the past a certain prejudice against bi people who are in heterosexual relationships or are in the closet, she seems to imply that they are being greedy, double dipping or are living a lie. So I'm torn wondering if sharing this will be the last nail on the coffin or bring us closer because it shows an enormous trust.

Any advice/experiences or opinions are greatly appreciated.

[MikeSoFla]

Ok, I sound like you. I have had umpteen experiences with guys, far greater with women, but plenty with guys. All of them purely sexual and for fun, no emotional attachment whatsoever, no cuddling or kissy kissy nonsense either. I dont want any of that. So, if thats how you feel, while being happily married and mostly hetero, like myself, then I wouldnt even call it Bi to be honest with ya. This has taken me some time to work through, but I think truely Bi means you can emotionally love a guy as you would your wife. I cannot, but I love to go down on guys, so I'm not Bi, but I am (and this term I stumbled upon one day and it fits perfect) Heteroflexible!
look it up, google it.

As for your wife, look, you have a wife and a kid. At the very least, you owe it to your son to give him a stable loving enivron and if that means you shut your mouth and just deal, then thats what you do, you man up, and I have faith in you that you can do it. Do you guys swing ever? Its worth asking because most women in the lifestlye are bi somewhat so its easier to broach the subject. I told my wife about the guys I'd had when younger (college years), before we even got married, and I've had guys since with her in attendance. I'm fortunate in this, most married guys dont have the luxury of a wife who will tell them to go suck some goegeous guys cock (and join in also) if the situation presents itself. Tread carefully brother, theres more important things in life than what you do with your dick. Seriously. If it comes up in a manner that you can admit a few feelings and relieve some tension while reassuring her that you love her and not men, then go for it, but be careful. Some women cannot handle a guy that has Bi feelings. They take it personally, they go nuts, its bad and it could ruin your family, and thats not worth it. I am a parent too so I understand that part. Go with your gut and if your gut tells you to shut your trap, you do it. Your not the first guy keeping this issue to himself, and you wont be the last. Dont listen to all these "be true to yourself and to hell with the consequences" a-holes. They probably dont have kids to think of and are selfish beyond reason giving that type of advice. You surrender your freedom to do that when you bring a kid into the world. First priority, imho, is to stabalize your marriage by any means neccesary. Once you do that, you can test the waters on her feelings about your bi side. Good luck.

[trentino]

Wow ! What a great response from MikeSoFla ! I am in agreement with him on so many of the points. And "Heteroflexible", exactly ! That describes me to a T ! (the only aspect in which we differ is that I DO enjoy kissing and body contact with another man, plus the dick in my ass of course !).
Yes, the relationship needs to be stablized, or at least filled with a good sense of trust. Your wife's previous characterizations of "bi" people does not bode well, however, and I think that throwing this info into the pot may cause the kettle to overboil. My wife and I are actually in a very similar situation as you, ynot201013. I just came out to her the other night (I'll have to adjust my status and clarify that I am actually heteroflexible). We have many gay friends, and earlier during sexplay, she had mentioned that she wouldn't mind if I were "bi", so that encouraged me to lay my cards, and history, and desires on the table. It was a bit shocking for her at first, but we were able to discuss the issue even handedly. However, as the discussion wore on, the same old themes of our usual arguments came up ! It really does sound that we might share this in common, too ynot201013. I also have to take issue with MikeSoFla's implying that preserving the marriage in the interest of a child is of the utmost importance. While I agree that children are precious and deserve every chance, staying in a disfunctional, disrespectful relationship could actually do more harm than good.I don't suspect that this is your problem ynot201013, however. As we know, many couples, gay and straight and in between, often cheat and/or break-up and often the children are none the worse after a separation. I say this due to my personal observation. One of my best friends is a child of divorce and he is a stellar individual, husband and father. Another close friend of my child has just seen his parents break-up, and by all appearances, he really seems to be taking it well (10yo). So, I don't know if this rambling response was any help for you, but, just to re-emphasize; stablize the relationship before throwing out any radical variables and consider the fact that you may in fact be merely heteroflexible like loads of guys on this site.