Coming out/acceptance

[Newlyme]

Hi everyone
I'm very new to this. I'm assuming I'm bisexual. Im 32 and have been in relationships with men and lived with a man while dating. I recently met a women and we both got alot closer than normal, and now have been in a relationship for 5 months. I felt amazing at the beginning and the love was like nothing I had felt but in the last couple of months my mother has know and has made it so hard, I feel if I had robbed a bank she would be less harsh on me. I have come out to one friend and that's it (she accepted it). My gf has come out to all her friends out of work. I feel like most of my friends are work friends I've known for years (nurse in same hospital as my gf) and they are very closed minded when it comes to anything other than hetro. I feel this girl is the only one I'm attracted to and other girls don't even catch my eye and never have like this. I am scared I'll loose my friends and I'm very social, or was prior to meeting my gf. I find my gf very clingy, and I love her but it's adding to my stress. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm mentally exhausted and my love for my gf is turning cold, but not sure if it's because my mother is continually telling me we will never be accepted or giving me the ultimatum that if I'm doing this then all my family, friends and colleuges must know now, then she will show me how right she is when they don't accept me. I feel like my issues with acceptance is messing up my gf's life because she would happily come out completely as soon as I say yes, and this causes alot of fights. Prior to this she has only had boyfriends, and her perception is that she loves me and who gives a f**k what others think. What are your thoughts, should I come out? Living this life and hiding the one I love seems wrong... And really hard too.

[hgf33]

Hello, and welcome to the site! You've come to the right place, and I hope we can all help and make you feel more comfortable with who you are! :flag4:

If your friends don't accept you, then they aren't friends, plain and simple. Coworkers may fall under the friends category, but for the most part, it shouldn't matter what they think. You are all there to do a job, and that shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship. As for family, we can't really control what decisions they make. Sometimes family can be the most obnoxious, heartless, unaccepting people in our lives. There's not much we can do about it except be ourselves and try to love them anyway. Maybe try talking to your mother and let her know how hurt you are that she feels the way she does. You're still her daughter, and who you love doesn't define who you are.

Your mom might be trying to protect you by saying you won't be accepted, but it sounds to me like she's more worried about how people will look at her, so she's pressuring you. That's just how it looks to me... there's no way I could know how it really is. While it's true that not everyone will accept you, there are still many people who will. Those are the ones who deserve to be in your life.

I'm in a similar predicament, so I know what you're going through is really hard. The only difference for me is, if I had ever had a girlfriend, then I would've come out to my parents. The only reason I haven't is because it would just confuse them. I've had boyfriends all my life and I'm with the man I'm going to marry. I've been with him since I've realized I was bi, so there was never an appropriate time to make my parents understand. How do you explain being bi when you've unintentionally appeared straight your whole life?

Anyway, that's just me. It's a very hard struggle within yourself to make the decision to come out, but only you can decide what is best for you. Listen to your heart, and do whatever you think will make you the most happy.

Best of luck to you! :)

[Realist]

One aspect of your post, that I zeroed in on, was your saying that your GF is clingy.

I wonder how many relationships have dissolved, because of that one issue?

It's possible to smother one with too much attention, possessiveness, and a failure to allow a lover to breathe.

It's difficult to make a possessive lover to see that they're over-powering the relationship, in my experience. I'm interested in watching the progression of this relationship, to see how it turns out.

I hope things work out according to your desires, but you have a lot of friction to deal with, Lady!

Good luck!

[elian]

Some people are very lucky to have friends at work, etc. that are accepting but it is certainly true that you will meet people who are not. I work in a very conservative place and although a few people suspect I might be "different" I haven't volunteered anything and they don't outright ask. I do my job to the best of my ability, they appreciate that and that is why I am at work. Frankly my co-workers don't really need to know about my sex life and I would suggest that if you don't feel comfortable sharing that maybe yours don't need to know either.

Your mother seems destined to WANT to wreck your life by insisting that you need to come out to everyone at all times, nothing could be farther from the truth. If "being social" means that you will resent not being able to bring your girlfriend along then that could be a concern - since her friends are supposedly all accepting maybe the two of you can go to social events with them?

Maybe your mom can't imagine having to hide that part of yourself but there are millions of LGBT that do it every day - mostly BECAUSE they don't want to lose the support of their family or close friends. It certainly isn't easy living this lifestyle but most of us don't have choice in who we have feelings for. You can choose not to pursue those feelings but that may make you even more unhappy.

You already know that some people will accept you and others will not, but if it wasn't because of your same-sex attraction it would be for another reason. Regardless of who I am attracted to I've met plenty of people, most of them I get along with, some of them tolerate me and when I interact with a few others we don't get along at all.

If you seriously love this girl then at the end of the day it doesn't matter if some people don't accept you because you have each other but if it isn't THAT serious of a relationship then maybe it's not worth coming out over?

Opinions probably aren't worth very much, your mileage may vary..

[rachelshing1]

That is a really hard topic. I will admit. Admitting to people that you are of a certain sexuality is hard, no matter the status. I think for you what it might be is fear. I know when I first came out as being bi, I was extremely fearful. I was extremely afraid of my mom, who is a semi-devoted Catholic. I had no idea what she would do. I didn't know what she was capable of. When I told her, I was dating my ex-gf at the time and she just gave me a look. A look that I would never forget. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. After that I just kind of let her think about it for the day. When I came back home, she and I talked about everything concerning this whole idea about being bi. Eventually, she and I came to terms and she still accepted me. My dad on the other hand somehow magically knew that I was bi. So the conversation of being bi with my dad had never really had to come up.
As for people at school or at work, it's really(pardon my shrewdness) none of their business. If they are really curious, then it is completely up to you if you want them to know. I know when I was at school people would ask me about my ex-gf and I, and I would simply tell them that "yeah I am bi and if you have a problem with it, don't worry about it" or I would ask them, "I didn't know I had another gf/bf?" or "I didn't know I was in a relationship with you?"
So to finish off, I guess talk about it with you family first, that is actually really important Answer their questions about this whole relationship. Reconcile them, so they don't feel guilty about anything. Cause I know when I told my mom, she told me that the first thing that went through her head was ask "What did I do? Where did I go wrong?" Tell them that they did nothing wrong and it's not their fault at all. It's just the way things go. As far as like work or friends, it's really none of their business. If you really have an urge to tell somebody at work or a friend make sure it's somebody you can really trust and won't go around telling everybody and their brother because this is your personal life and they should really respect that.

[ohbimale]

That is a really hard topic. I will admit. Admitting to people that you are of a certain sexuality is hard, no matter the status. I think for you what it might be is fear. I know when I first came out as being bi, I was extremely fearful. I was extremely afraid of my mom, who is a semi-devoted Catholic. I had no idea what she would do. I didn't know what she was capable of. When I told her, I was dating my ex-gf at the time and she just gave me a look. A look that I would never forget. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. After that I just kind of let her think about it for the day. When I came back home, she and I talked about everything concerning this whole idea about being bi. Eventually, she and I came to terms and she still accepted me. My dad on the other hand somehow magically knew that I was bi. So the conversation of being bi with my dad had never really had to come up.
As for people at school or at work, it's really(pardon my shrewdness) none of their business. If they are really curious, then it is completely up to you if you want them to know. I know when I was at school people would ask me about my ex-gf and I, and I would simply tell them that "yeah I am bi and if you have a problem with it, don't worry about it" or I would ask them, "I didn't know I had another gf/bf?" or "I didn't know I was in a relationship with you?"
So to finish off, I guess talk about it with you family first, that is actually really important Answer their questions about this whole relationship. Reconcile them, so they don't feel guilty about anything. Cause I know when I told my mom, she told me that the first thing that went through her head was ask "What did I do? Where did I go wrong?" Tell them that they did nothing wrong and it's not their fault at all. It's just the way things go. As far as like work or friends, it's really none of their business. If you really have an urge to tell somebody at work or a friend make sure it's somebody you can really trust and won't go around telling everybody and their brother because this is your personal life and they should really respect that.

First I have to agree with the points Rachel made.

If your friends don't accept you as you then they are not friends. Co-Workers, do they really need to know?

I think the best way to approach this is to go together to social/family functions as a couple and make no issue of it. I understand this will likely cause some ripples/issues, however the two of you shoulld be able to deal with them as a couple.

The thing to remember is at the end of the day when the two of you curl up in each others arms for love and comfort that your hearts and the love you have for each other is what counts and can be a source of great strength.