Hello to all, have a question

[Avocado]

I'm 23, male, bisexual, and in an opposite sex relationship. I can see us going the distance and we're engaged. I've come out to my fiancee, my then counsellor, and my parents friends daughter but only because she's bi. Other than that, that's it. Now then, I don't feel I need to come out incase we split up as I feel we're not going to. So, are there any other reasons I should come out, if not to my family then to my friends? Any input will be greatly appreciated. p.s ignore my question about how to post a new thread :tong:

[Avocado]

This could be a new topic but since I don't want to clog up the board I'll post it with my other question. What's the deal with flags? I thought the overlapping triangles were the bi flag and I've seen clothes with it on on various bi sites and someone who is bi said in his blog he wears a badge with the flag that says "proud to be bi". Now I hear it's actually the gay flag and ours is the horizontal one (though the one on the right looks more blue than tourqoise to me). I'm confused :eek:

[woolleygirl]

Well hon you have to do what feels right. And ask yourself does it matter what they would say to you. Only you know for sure that one. Your parents love you as all parents do and if you want to tell them then you can but remeber Bi sexuality is out there but there are still people who are in the dark and they see only black and white or for a better term straight or gay. I know I just came out to my hubby around Christmas time and he handled it fine but we both know that our familys with as religous as they are would not accept it. So for us I just let people who know me enough to know that this is me and my sexuality doesn't change the person who I am. I am probably no help hon but do what YOU feel is right. :2cents: And remember we are here and always a few good ears to listen and talk to when you need that extra support.

T

[jo69guy]

If it will do more harm than good, why tell them? I only came out to my friends and parents after my ex-wife and I seperated. She had already "outted" me to her family and friends, and I figured it was just a matter of time before she started telling my friends and family. I wanted them to hear it from me, and not a mad/upset ex-wife. :2cents:

[Avocado]

Cheers, something my fiancee said the other day made me look it up and I kind of, well it's like her and phonecalls/reading magazines - I kind of took longer than I meant to. I have only recently discovered biphobia. I kind of feel like there are people out there not in my position, they need to come out more than I do, and maybe it would make it easier for them if people came out even if they didn't need to. I also feel like I only have most of my fiancee and our relationship when we're seeing friends and stuff. It's almost as if we're a same sex relationship not wanting to hold hands in front of people.

[Avocado]

Not sure whether it will do good or harm. I don't think her friends would have any more of a problem than she does and she don't anymore. The main thing for me now is that gays are recognised, like us they suffer things like abuse and discrimination, but at least it's appreciated that they actually exist. But there's so much misconception about us. I'm starting to wonder if we need to come out more than they do as the ideas of gender defining people hurt us alot more. None of us are straight people in either gender's body;)

[JohnnyV]

Personally I don't think you need to publicize your inner sexual thoughts beyond the people you've told up until now. It just attracts more scrutiny and puts more pressure on your relationship. Relationships are hard enough as it is, even when they're ideal.

If you want to make a difference in the world, then combat biphobia through activism. Join an organization that promotes sexual rights and do something to foster sexual diversity in the world at large. You can be a believer in bisexual rights without having to tell everyone that you're bisexual. Some may guess it, others won't. Focus on the way that you can improve the world, not the more specific matter of what people think about you.

Other than that, best of luck to you! I'm going on a decade with a woman who's accepted my bisexuality. Our marriage has lasted. I haven't been secretive, but I have been discreet.

J

[Avocado]

I know what you mean. The problem is, I don't think I could do that without it being obvious I'm not straight.

[JohnnyV]

Avocado,

I suppose that you would be *indirectly* publicizing your sexuality if you were to express support for bisexual rights in a public venue. But indirect and direct declarations about yourself are different in important ways.

If the issue is about what you believe or endorse, in a political sense, about the need for bisexuals to receive equal protection under the law, then you're appealing to much larger social issues and you're embracing questions that go beyond yourself.

If everything is a matter of "I am X" or "I am Y" then it still keeps everything very personal, and it won't help the larger problem of bisexual invisibility that you were discussing earlier... at least that's how I see it. It would be much easier for people to look at you as an aberration, or to interpret your discussion of bisexuality as your own self-absorbed obsessions (not that that's the case at all, of course.) By making it more general and political, I think you avoid those possible pitfalls.

Mind you, I think so differently from most people I usually feel like I'm from the planet Pluto. Take my advice with a lot of salt and a shot of tequila.

J

[Avocado]

You're right though. The problem with me is I'm a confidence person and usually there's not much of it. I rarely want to jump into the deep end, and I'd have alot more difficulty exposing myself to so much if I felt I couldn't even tell one or 2 people. I agree that people wouldn't take me anymore seriously than Joe Bloggs in the street (perhaps a problem I've had with my fiancee at times) and would like to eventually be part of something bigger than my small self. I just feel like I need to get myself ready 1st. I need to feel like as I'm doing it I'm not looking over my shoulder. None of this may ever happen.

[jedinudist]

One thing to consider...

Once you're "out" there is no coming back "in".

I too am struggling with my sexual identity and the general knowledge of it. Right now, I have taken the loving advice of my wonderful wife, as well as many folks on this site and am treating it this way -

That is information of a most personal sort, thus it is on a "need-to-know" basis' and who really "needs to know"?

Granted, I will likely be outed completely if my book ever gets published because it mentions my sexual orientation. But at that point, I'm not telling anyone specifically, I'm just mentioning it in general as part of something else.

You have to "judgement-call" this one on a case by case basis.

Caution is key.

Good luck to you, and god luck with your relationship!

[Avocado]

I know what you mean although I'd find it harder coming out twice to someone. My fiancee thought I was joking when I told her which made things even harder. The main thing is she now knows that I know she's ok with it. It's come a long way from asking advice about her. Someone on another forum said that people should answer truthfully if asked but not say otherwise. Something for me to consider.

[canuckotter]

Someone on another forum said that people should answer truthfully if asked but not say otherwise. If I'm not sure how the people I'm with will react (such as extended family, for example), I use that approach. If I'm with people I know won't be particularly upset, I just don't bother hiding the fact that I'm bi. I don't announce it, but if talk turns to hot movie stars I'll list men and women, for example... But that's me, and I'm in a very comfortable place where I really don't worry about persecution. If you're not comfortable coming out to more people, and they don't need to know, then why bother? It's a lot of hassle sometimes, and you don't really need to put yourself through that.

[Lisa (va)]

Really there is no NEED to come out to anyone unless you want to. It all depends on a person individual circumstances: how will it affect you friends, your family, your job, etc.

Personally I don't much worry if someone knows or not, I don't go around publicizing the fact yet don't deny it either.

I don't actively fight for rights of bisexuality, I feel folks should all have the same rights regardless of their sexual orietation, their religion, their race or any thing at all. ie for example Virginia is debating on putting same sex marriage up for vote: I will vote for it of course, simply because I believe that two people who love each other should be allowed to marry, whether same or opposite sex.

So, pretty much if you feel an indivual should know, for whatever reason, tell them, if not, don't.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Whippersnap]

Avacodo,

You have informed the most important person in your life, your future wife. That is and who matters- no one else. Telling your family would hurt them deeply. If they see you with a male friend, they will wonder and worry. In my life I have told only my wife and she is OK with it and understands. The only other people who know are the males I have had relationships with and that was a long time ago. Don't open yourself up to any more visibility than necessary. There are sick people who will try to poison your marriage, your life, your work and family and some of them may be your friends or your girlfriend's friends. As someone in a prvious post said, "ONCE YOU ARE OUT YOU CAN NOT GO BACK IN." Go about your life and to He## with most other people. Enoy your life with your wife. Good luck!