What Am I?

[RavenEye]

Hey guys!
So to understand what I'm asking I have to write a billboard. Here goes: Ever since I could remember I have liked boys. (Used to fantasize about my baby sitter and me when I was 8-10). But I also knew I liked girls too. (I remember the name of my first crush was named Kendra). I was normal douche bag boy. But around 12 I was molested by a 21 year old neighbor and at the same time I was being molested by someone in my family; also at the same time my father was physically abusing me, always had a bruise on me somewhere. Then my father decided that we were going to move and the emotional pain was immense. So from 13-15 I was depressed and suicidal. I didn't trust people any more. I was all alone and no one loved me except my dog haha. But finally I was tired of being depressed and decided to start making new friends. I decided that men were the reason for all my problems. So I decided that all my friends were going to be girls. But to be that I thought I had to be gay for them. So I played the gay friend for 3 years. But when my friend back-stabbed me by outing me to my parents (she said that it was for the best) I found out that gender was not the reason for my problems. So after I convinced the Christian Conversion Therapists that it was all in my parents head and that my now ex-friend was crazy I decided to reemerge my straight side. I had tons of gay porn on my laptop and then decided to download some MMF and straight porn. But I found out that I don't really get hard. Only few actually do anything and it takes forever to get off. Then I met this girl and she was everything and more! It was almost love at first site and we had so much fun together! I didn't tell her how I feel until after I left. And I found out that she felt the same. So I started looking around for girls in my new area. I found one and we have fun together. She doesn't give me that same spark that the last one did. But I went forward anyways. About a week ago she gave me my first kiss, I wasn't nervous at all. But after I left I got nervous with "Was that good?". Anyways probably sooner rather than later she will want sex and I'm scared about. If I can barely get it up for straight porn, how can I get it up for her? Did my straight half get buried so far that now it is unrecoverable? Can I truly be considered bisexual? This is driving me crazy! What do you guys think?

[dafydd]

Hey there,
I read ur post with interest. Personally I've never been 'scared' of having sex with someone I really fancy (perhaps nervous, anxious even but never scared.)
When you're horned, sex shouldn't feel frightening, and your hormones usually do a good job of drowning out any anxieties when you're in the sack. Your comment about "very soon she'll be wanting sex" seems to indicate that for you, sex with her is not on the horizon yet. So maybe you don't fancy her sexually. That doesn't mean you don't get turned on my women at all. Maybe your bisexuality is related to feelings/emotions with women rather than intercourse. e.g biamorous etc. I certainly don't think sex with this girl is a good idea if you're in anyway going to view it as a test or proof of whatever. That's pressure going to the wrong head and it won't help.
Porn is totally different than the real thing. I know some straight guys who can't can't get hard watching straight porn because they don't want to see male arse on the screen.

In any case, you are always in control. You can choose how you want the world to see you, or how you'd like to be considered. And whether its a metre or a mile away from who you actually are, just make sure that constantly covering the distance won't exhaust you.

What's the meaning of life? I dunno. Why are we here? Beats me. Does rubber turn me on? No. Am I in love? <mutters incoherent answer>
Somethings will always be a mystery.

d

[bityme]

It really doesn't appear that you have had sufficient experiences to be at a point where you need to label yourself. While they are, no doubt, events that might influence your feelings, being molested doesn't make you anything other than a victim of someone's crime. If you want to call yourself anything, just use the term "curious." If you are asked "About what?" says "Everything!"

Don't use your reaction to porn as an indicator. What you see in porn isn't real life, it is staged action.

Relax, let nature take it's course, enjoy the moment. As you let yourself have more experiences, you will begin to sort them out. You will identify those you liked and those you didn't. Don't feel that it is necessary for you to label yourself without first getting to know yourself a lot better.

Pappy