Is it all about sex??! Thoughts please

[Enigma Code]

Howdy - we're new to this and are interested to hear about other people's first time experiences of chatting and getting to know suitable people to possibly move on to a sexual encounter with at a later stage.

As a couple, are we unusual in wanting to know a bit about the person we're proposing to jump into bed with (not loads of personal stuff, but we mean interests etc and to build a genuine rapport that isn't all leading back to sex?), and to take our time to build trust in a non-sexual way along with sexual fantasy talk via e-mail and chat as well?

After recently getting our fingers burned with a guy who wanted to push things along at a pace far faster than we were comfortable with and seemed keen to try and reduce our wishes regarding key things that were important to us relating to a suitable meet to explore 'in the flesh' (despite numerous comments to him that it had to be right or it just wasn't happening) we wonder whether this is actually quite common. Luckily things didn't get to a stage of a sexual meet in any shape or form.

Is it common for people to say one thing but then start to push for an erosion of needs in order that a meet happens quicker? Worthwhile mentioning that in our case we'd only been chatting with the guy since the end of November and just met on two occasions for a drink and then a meal, so started to feel very pressured by his urging us to move things forward. Needless to say, when when hubby laid it on the line he decided to say goodbye, choosing to ignore the main issue we were both raising of his seeming desperation to push things forward in order to meet sexually so his needs were met faster. Instead he chose to focus his reason for saying goodbye on another more minor concern hubby had also raised, leading to hubby simply stating a desire for us all to slow things down and take a step back to reflect upon the direction things may be heading. Hubby didn't say it was finished but did in fairness to the guy concerned give him an out - as in saying we understood if he prefered to pursue other couples instead, as we realised perhaps we were unable to meet what he wanted in the timeframe he was seeking.

Perhaps we are unusual in seeking to take our time? We're not looking for a relationship with a guy BUT we do feel it's important to have a friendship going first, so that exploring possible next steps seems a natural progression of the warm friendship feelings...if that makes sense?

Have any of you been blessed enough to be able to build a friendship with a guy, girl or couple first that then leads to a great sexual encounter? Are we just deluding ourselves or have we just been royally unlucky this time around? :0(

[Light_and_Dark]

Neither is unusually.
Alot of people either wait to take things slow or go fast.
I prefer to go fast with a person if I have real sexual desire for them, if not I prefer to go slow to build it up or things don't go well.
You just have to wait around for the right person, its like the dating game. You gotta wait around for Mr./Mrs. Right.
And our couple has not been able to build a relationship with a female than lead to a sexual encounter. Like I said, it takes time like everything else.

~BHI~

[Gearbox]

Fair enough, you have NO obligation to jump in bed with anybody until you feel comfortable with them! But 2 meals in and your STILL not sure?

You have to admit that he'd probably feel a bit frustrated with that, seeing as he wasn't 'up to the mark' at that point. He'd also suspect that you were stringing him along, which I would too.
Saying that you'd like to become friends first, then sexual later on, is putting the "SEX WITH US" card on the table and expecting it to be ignored for however long YOU'D like it to be.
How do you expect him to ignore that?:tongue:

Your not 'friends'! Your a couple who offers sex! He wouldn't be interested in you if you didn't offer that! You wouldn't be interested in him if he didn't offer that either!
So I'd realise that if you try another FWB-3rd (which is what he'd be!), that SEX is the reason for meeting, no matter how comfortable you need to be with it.
I'd SUGGEST that you move things faster OR try friends that you already have.:)

[tenni]

I think that if you factor in "dating" and when sex comes in to play expectations in my society today, you were on the edge of failing to decide.

Generally, the social rule between men and women is three dates or less to come across sexually in my circles. Both men and women know this but don't have to follow it. If you do not feel comfortable enough to become sexually involved then you may want to stop dating. Guys drop women who do not come across sexually within three dates. :eek: Now, of course, some are going to argue that I'm full of it but that is a reality in my circles. I've waited longer with some women but some buddies just won't.

What you may want to do is set up your expectation rules in advance and let the next guy know before meeting. If you want to know the guy for two, three or? months and a minimum of four /eight/million? social dates before you will consider sex, let the guy know before hand.

Remember, you don't want a "relationship" but you seem to be using relationship social rules(even then you are pushing it). If you want a friendship, be honest with yourself, you want a relationship of some form more than a friend with benefit or fuck buddy. It sounds like you may be happier with a "closed loop relationship" where there is some exclusiveness between the three of you.

[Enigma Code]

Thanks for the comments so far - please keep them coming.

We don't quite understand the '2 meals in etc...' comment though Gearbox
;0) To clarify it was a drink at a service station for an hr at the first meeting and a proper sit down meal for a few hours the second, that's all but regardless of that, the critical point is we had chatted via e-mail before this and he had been clear about wanting to balance the sexual talk with building a friendship.

That it was just as important to him etc etc and that if it took 6 months to get to x stage with us and 9 months to get to full penetration then so be it. To us that said he was happy to take his time, by his own admission not by our assumption...so we feel that he tried to move the goalposts very quickly as soon after the first coffee and chat was out the way. Very disappointing really - if that's what he was after in the first place he should have just said, not led us on with giving us with what he thought we needed to hear whilst continually trying to push the issue. Free country though as you say and everyone will have a different take on the matter I guess ;)

[Enigma Code]

I think that if you factor in "dating" and when sex comes in to play expectations in my society today, you were on the edge of failing to decide.

Generally, the social rule between men and women is three dates or less to come across sexually in my circles. Both men and women know this but don't have to follow it. If you do not feel comfortable enough to become sexually involved then you may want to stop dating. Guys drop women who do not come across sexually within three dates. :eek: Now, of course, some are going to argue that I'm full of it but that is a reality in my circles. I've waited longer with some women but some buddies just won't.

What you may want to do is set up your expectation rules in advance and let the next guy know before meeting. If you want to know the guy for two, three or? months and a minimum of four /eight/million? social dates before you will consider sex, let the guy know before hand.

Remember, you don't want a "relationship" but you seem to be using relationship social rules(even then you are pushing it). If you want a friendship, be honest with yourself, you want a relationship of some form more than a friend with benefit or fuck buddy. It sounds like you may be happier with a "closed loop relationship" where there is some exclusiveness between the three of you.

'A closed loop relationship' Spot on! That was exactly what was on the table and what all parties had agreed was being worked towards Terri...ah well such is life, live and learn and all that :)

[Jobelorocks]

I think everyone needs to be open and honest about what they are looking for before any meetings take place. If the person changes their tunes once the meeting/s happen, and they want something you are not willing to do or you can't make a compromise, then move onto the next person/couple.

Everyone is looking for different things and you just need to find someone who matches what you want. Whether it is super casual and you don't care about who they are or you want a more committed personal relationship or somewhere in between. Just have patience and keep looking. Many people misrepresent themselves to try to get in your pants, but their are also ones that don't and will fit well with what you want.

[UKMCocksucker]

I agree, there has to be a connection for me trust has to be built up.

[Enigma Code]

Thanks again everyone for all the interesting and thought provoking replies.

We're shrugging this one off and putting it down to experience (or lack of in our case!) Roll with the punches as tomorrow is another day...There are some good suggestions here and we'll certainly be taking some of these forward in our next attempt to connect with the right guy.

We are genuine but there needs to be that slow building of trust and friendship first for us...that's not to say there is anything wrong if folk want to move faster but that's never been our approach from the very minute we started thinking about this. Thanks everyone :)

[Gearbox]

We don't quite understand the '2 meals in etc...' comment though Gearbox
;0) To clarify it was a drink at a service station for an hr at the first meeting and a proper sit down meal for a few hours the second, that's all but regardless of that, the critical point is we had chatted via e-mail before this and he had been clear about wanting to balance the sexual talk with building a friendship.
He may have said he'd wait 6mths if he had to, thinking that his personality would show a lot sooner than that, and that you'd like him enough to call him a friend?

You must realise that after those 2 meetings and on-line convos when you were not ready for that, he'd feel a bit rejected. Doesn't matter what anybody said or agreed to, he'd still feel that way and would try to take some of the control for you.

The first indication of his agreeing not being taken seriously by him, was when he agreed that penetration might take 9mths.
No man I've ever heard of would agree to that seriously. You might do better with a couple.