SELF HARM (or Pain management)?

[rupertbare]

Over the last two months I have got into a "habit" of stubbing cigarettes out on my left forearm as a way of dealing with my life.

How is this?

Well my life appears to me to be in the hands of others at the moment....the Courts, Lawyers, Support workers, Housing liason officers, doctors, nurses, drugs (prescribed I hasten to add!!!! :) ), an estranged wife who still seems hell bent of destroying me in anyway that she can...etc. etc.

The ONLY control, at least to my slightly distorted mind of present, appears to be the CHOICE of physically harming myself. Although I must add that when I am extremely distressed, such as when I bumped into my wife and two youngest children by accident recently, there is actually NO pain to be felt at first. Sometimes it takes as many as seven or eight burns to regain a physical sensation of pain.

In the hospital I have met several other "self harmers" and we ALL agree that we use it as a method of emmotional pain control......to us superior to the drugs offered by the doctors. One or two are "attention seekers" in that they will compare scars and boast about how long and how many times they have harmed themselves, but in the main we are slightly embrassed (but feel no shame or guilt about our practice) when people stare at our wound sites (be they arms or face or necks). At the moment I am the only "burner" the others are all "cutters"...they couldn't do what I do, nor I what they do, but we do understand the motives and reasons for doing it.

From a simple health perspective burning faces far less risk of infection and far far less need for medical intervention (stitching etc), also the scaring does diminish rapidly after a couple of years of sunlight, barring the "burn on burn" wounds.

One of my doctor's has told me that MY self-harming is "self punishment" but I call it "grief management"........every time another letter from the courts arrives or I think of what latest thing I should have experienced with my "babies"....I burn, often with great force...pushing the cigarette deep into the flesh.

Well that's how I am dealing with things at the moment. A little crazy, perhaps, but better than getting drunk, taking recreational drugs, picking a fight or something even sillier (if you catch my drift).

Still breathing, still hanging in there

Rupe, London, UK :)

[ReyReyWantsYou]

I am not sure what type of response you are trying to get out of this, whether it be others who say "Yes! Been there! I feel you!" or whether it be "Here's what you can do to stop." or whether it be no response at all. I figured I should voice my opinion and say that it can be beat. I of course still slip up from time to time, especially when certain memories come back. But all in all I haven't dramatically cut myself in quite some time now. I understand what you mean when you say you have control of something, and hurting yourself is one of them. My reason being was making my outside as scared as my inside --heart. I also stored quite a bit of self-loathing from things I could not help and seeing myself in a bloody mess somehow in its own twisted way... made me feel better. I guess I got over it by realizing that I will always go through a significant amount of pain. The world feeds you pain and most of the time you are relitvely powerless to stop it. I guess I wonder why add more pain to it? Every time I would look at my new scars I would remember why I put them there and thus I could never truely carry on with my life. I find myself cutting over stupid reasons now. Nothing seems bad enough to do it anymore. Perhaps it is just a phase we go through, a phase that makes us stronger till the point that we no longer need to harm ourselves.

~The Eternal *REY* of Sunshine~
:bipride:

[jennessex]

Rupe,

I myself had a time in my life I was going through a bad depressing time. I resorted to burning myself or cutting. I found that at the time it made me temporarily forget the pain on the inside, but it never went away.

I confessed what I was doing to my hubby, in turn made me go to therapy. It really did help, but therapy only works if you truelly want to be helped. You have to find other outlets. If you are hurting on the inside and need to relieve stress, work out, scream as loud as you can when your alone, get a punching bag, or hell, go bowling. Bowling? Yes, bowling! Picture the people that are giving you the stress at the end of the lane and roll the ball at it. Get a strike almost everytime! basically, theraputic shit!

Anyway.... I got through it, you can too. You just have to find that point where you refuse to let anyone else effect you. Thats why i pretty much have a "dont give a shit attitude", at least most of the time.

I wish you luck. Continue your therapy, it does work. Let the doctors help! And if the letters from the court bother you find someone you can confide in to read it before you and tell them to just give you the run down.

Jenn

[proud daughter]

daddy.... what can i say?!

i cant comment and i cant tell you to stop cos i would be a hippocrite. i can only say that it does get better. sometimes as you know, i still do resort to cutting myself, but no where near as often as before.
the main reasons for self harm (according to my counsellor) are as punishment and attention seeking but personally its too actually 'feel' something. its difficult to cope with mental pain, but we can all deal with physical pain. it makes the pain real.

im sorry you are doing it, and trust me it doesnt help in the long run problems dont go away with a cut/burn, but if it is stopping you doing something even worse then i wont even attempt to get you to stop.

im just glad your still here. i love you always daddy xxxxxxxxx

[julie]

Sighs...hey Rupe..

.....like the others who have responded, i cannot deny the release of non life threatening self harm as a valuable distraction from suicidal feelings..

.....recently, i have read somewhere that holding onto ice cubes is one way being suggested of making contact with the almost primal pain self harmers are aiming to connect with, and untimately gain release from.. without causing actual body harm..

.....when i first read this my response was very cynical.. as part of my own 'reward' for self harming is to revisit the scars of my anguish and feel some form of comfort from them.... yet, as i reflect further, i wonder if using ice-cubes could be helpful in the future when you perhaps want to move on from physical self harm yet still need that intense experience of pain..?

.....this isnt prescriptive Rupe, far from it... just a suggestion of something that may be useful as your healing continues...

.... keep safe sweet troubled friend..

.....love julie xx

[JohnnyV]

Rupe,

About 16 years ago, I went through a similar tailspin because of so many things happening to me all at once. Sometimes it feels as though people can be so heartless when you're in turmoi; their seeming indifference makes you want to escalate things, as if you have to know that what you feel emotionally is viscerally real. In my case, I would start fights with my friends over nothing, and I would hang out high all hours of the night, just to feel like I could say I really lost control and I was really on the edge.

The important thing is to know, by gut instinct, whether you have the stop mechanism inside you that can keep you from total self-destruction. Some people reach their limits and self-correct while others go all the way to ruin. If you feel like you can't stop yourself, and the self-burning is going to continue escalating without any balance, then please, please surrender to the supervision of health care providers. That's something that only you can guess, though. But nobody wants you to maim or destroy yourself purely for a short-lived sense of control over your pain.

We're all counting on you not to be cruel to yourself, since that's a cruelty to people who care about you too.

J

[Rhuth]

Every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Burn - The Cure

Try an ice cube next time. I know, I know. Ice is what you use to make an injury feel better, but what I'm talking about really worked well for me. You press it hard into your skin unprotected and after a while it hurts worse (or better lol) than burning. The best part is that no serious injury can possibly happen, and there is zero scaring. There is a raw spot to see for a while, which was improtant for me. You can't see mental anguish like you can a physical injury.

My favorite website for self injury is Secret Shame (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html). That's where I learned the ice cube trick. I haven't even had to use that in over a year. In the end, I got through it and ended up a changed and better person. She didn't get through it. She is still the same nasty person with less friends and is incapable of change or growth.

*hugs*
Rhuth

[littlerayofsunshine]

I just want to tell you that you are not alone. I have at periods through out my life have resorted to self harm in the form of cutting myself. For me, it was as if cutting released deep tragic emotions that I knew would be unhealthy and possible dangerous to others if I released them. It was emotional control. It all stems from my childhood, of being neglected and physically and sexually abused by my family and never recieving proper treatment or mental help to deal with it, I had never learned how to process my emotions in a healthy manner. Now I have received helped through therapy and a message board that deals with self harm and now I don't bottle up my emotions I express them through words and writings that help others understand what I am feeling and why. I haven't harmed myself in over a year. During hard times I still get the feeling of needing to do it, but now I understand I don't have to. Its just the minds wonderful way of keeping an old habit.

Support is the best medicine in my opinion, when you feel like you don't have to battle the world all alone and someone is there for you. When life can't be contolled you need someone to help soften the blow and gain perspective.

I feel for you on your journey of courts and an angry ex, having went through it 5 years ago in a custody battle that was a knock down drag out situation that spanned over 3 years, thousands and thousands of dollars, hearing and trials one after the other. My ex is still bitter about everything even to the point of telling others I paid the court system to win custody. But I guess Its not appropriate to share all of my garbage with you, this is about you.

I want to commend you and tell you that you are stronger than you think and being here and telling us about your harming is a huge show of your strength. Some people view self harming as a weakness. Having been one myself I know that its not. There are many forms of self harm that are socially accepted, but just as unhealthy. I hope that everything will work out for you, You are not crazy, you are not alone, you are human and strong. If you ever want to discuss/question or unload some feelings you can send me a private message and unload it all. ok, that may sound crazy coming from me, a stranger, but I can assure you I am safe and harmless and non-judging.

[woolleygirl]

((((((Rupe)))))

Hon I know I can say that I have been in your shoes but pain can be managed but not through burning. I know for me it is a way of knowing that I can still feel something and I am not dead. I now I have people that love me but it was for me of being in control of my emotion and not feeling dead. Please Rupe there are other ways don't harm your self please.
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Remember we need you Rupe and we love you hon. I have seen and heard what you give to others you my friend are a pure soul so please take care.

T