Am I in the closet?

[Monster34]

Months ago I posted about realizing that I am Bi. I'm feeling much better about things these days. Thank you to all who responded, comforted and advised me.
My question is this, am I in the closet if I don't make my sexuality common knowledge? I've never broadcast being hetero over the years other than dating and being affectionate in public. If I was in the same situation with a male I would behave the same way. It seems to me that my actions would speak for themselves so no explanation or "coming out" would be necessary.
Broadcasting that I am Bi before the fact seems to me to be for the purposes of warning people. As I see nothing wrong with who I am I see no need to warn anyone about anything.
Am I missing something?

[ExSailor]

I'd say that yes you are in the closet. Coming out to people who you're sleeping with, dating, or in a relationship with (or hope to be in a LTR with) is not "warning" them it's about being true to yourself about who you are as a person.

[Gearbox]

I have that attitude too. I'm not announcing anything to non potential sex partners. If I had a steady male partner, I would announce that. But at the mo, I get the feeling that it would be a warning too:
"Look out lads! I'm bi and single!".lol

[Annika L]

I've never broadcast being hetero over the years other than dating and being affectionate in public. If I was in the same situation with a male I would behave the same way.

To me, this is the primary measure of whether a person is in the closet. If you weren't in the closet as heterosexual before, then you aren't in the closet as bisexual now. Nobody else has to publicly announce their sexuality in order to be "true to themselves as a person", and there's no reason you have to.

If you find yourself at some point covering up who your partner is in certain situations, couching your language, or denying having certain attractions for social/political expedience, you'll feel those closet walls closing in around you...and you'll feel your own internal pressure to correct that situation. So go with what feels right.

That said, the more visible we are, the more we validate one another both to each other and to society. But closet? No, I don't think you're missing anything.

[Long Duck Dong]

some people would argue that unless you state you are bi, that people will assume you are gay and therefore you have to correct people.......

most closeted people ( personal understanding here ) are people that are fully aware of their sexuality but choose not to reveal it to others, in a social / informative sense....
and telling people you are bi, can be a way of letting people know what your interests are by way of personal contact.... not so much a warning, but giving other people a idea of your sexuality and what you may be seeking from and with others....

the issue arises that a partner has the right to make a informed choice too... and by withholding something like your sexuality, can stop them making choices in their own lives and if they want to enter into a relationship with you......being bi can affect a relationship in terms of you may want a open relationship so the partner deserves the right of choice if they want to be in a open relationship or a closed one where you have the opportunities to be with others....

but it all depends on how open and active you want your life to be..... as to how open you may need to be about your sexuality.....and ready for the assumptions by people as to what you being bisexual, means, IE the people that assume cos you are bi, that you change partners like a square dance etc etc...

[tenni]

I basically agree The OP and Gear. I do differ though to some extent. I am not big on PDA regardless of the gender. I have no interest in setting up house with a woman or a man. I am inclined to see how I relate to men as intimate friends. It may just be semantical with myself as I also see a m2m intimate friendship as lovers to some extent. I think that actionsspeak louder than words as far as coming out. Hell, I have known a gay couple and it was months before I knew that they were a gay couple. The one guy just would speak of the other by name. I was not introduced to the one as this is X, and my gay spouse.

[elian]

Well for some of us, when we were much younger the people we looked up to as adults told us nasty things about people who love or desire the same sex. That those people are "disgusting" or that they will "burn in hell" or they "would be better off dead". For children or teens who RELY on those same adults for support and guidance, they may have no other choice but to hide what they are feeling. When your parent, or spouse, or best friend says, "I love you' and you have to wonder if they would REALLY love you if they knew, that hurts very much.

How can you tell someone not to love? Some people struggle very hard all of their life to reconcile those stereotypes with their own natural feelings so for certain people when they announce to the world - "I like same sex people" - it can be like a weight lifted off their shoulders. They don't have to carry around "the secret" anymore..they've put it out there and let OTHER people deal with it.

Does EVERYONE have this same desire? No. Is coming out always the right thing to do? No. If you grow to be comfortable with your sexuality and have a positive self image maybe what other people say or think doesn't bother you as much.

I am inclined to agree that I don't need to BROADCAST to EVERYONE what my sexual preference is, although there are plenty of opportunities in personal relationships and friendships where the topic could come up. For example nearly all of the guys at the company picnic last week were checking out women, I've never felt so alone because my preference is @ 60/40 the other way. I guess I should be happy for the straight folks at work who can admire a nice body; .I mean I am attracted to certain women, but not EVERY woman and some guys really don't like it when you stare too long ..

I HAVE been coming out of the closet, slowly, to people that I trust - and I guess I've made good choices in the people I decided to tell because they have been mostly supportive to the point that I have been able to undo some of that nasty programming I received as a child. It's kind of nice to know that you can step out of the darkness of being alone and into the light, and that as an adult there are really some people who won't condemn you before they get to know you.

[fredtyg]

I agree. I don't think you have any obligation to tell anyone about your sexual life or preferences unless they have a personal stake in those preferences. That doesn't mean you can't tell anyone you want. You just shouldn't feel obligated.

As far as the OP being closeted, I'd simply call it being discrete. Being out can cause problems with some people. No sense it causing problems when you don't have to. I don't consider myself out or closeted. If asked, I'd like to think I'd be honest about being queer. I've told some people, sometimes on a whim, but I don't feel any obligation to tell anyone.

[BiDaveDtown]

Monster34 yes you are closeted. It also sounds as though you're ashamed, embarrassed, or avoid talking about your own sexuality.
I agree. I don't think you have any obligation to tell anyone about your sexual life or preferences unless they have a personal stake in those preferences. That doesn't mean you can't tell anyone you want. You just shouldn't feel obligated. As far as the OP being closeted, I'd simply call it being discrete. Being out can cause problems with some people. No sense it causing problems when you don't have to. I don't consider myself out or closeted. If asked, I'd like to think I'd be honest about being queer. I've told some people, sometimes on a whim, but I don't feel any obligation to tell anyone. As for being discrete that's just another term for being closeted. I have been out about my sexuality for decades and my wife knows about my bisexualit. All of the men and women I dated and had relationships with before I was married knew as well. It's not "warning" them it's telling them about your sexual orientation.

[Bisexual Explorer]

"Being closeted" has so many possible meanings, just consider the posts to this forum, that it is meaningless. Being embarassed or ashamed of one's sexuality is very different from deciding to not broadcast it to the entire world. I, for one, believe that only you decide with whom you want to discuss your sexuality. I sat next to an attractive woman at a recent industry dinner. For whatever reason - maybe to dispell any thought I had about picking her up - she told me she was a lesbian. OK. We went on to talk about our industry, politics, etc. and had a very pleasant evening. I did not tell her I was bi. It wouldn't have made any difference.
Bisexual Explorer.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Why should you have to? Your sex life is no ones business except yours, Hon. Possible play partners should have the right to know, yes, but the world in general doesnt have to know of your private business, ...unless you just Want people to know.:}
To thine own self be true, Darlin.
Just my humble 2 cents worth anyway..:}
Cat

[Monster34]

Firstly, thank you all for your insight. Secondly, I probably should have been more specific but my intent was that potential and current partners would of course be informed of my Bi-ness.


Monster34 yes you are closeted. It also sounds as though you're ashamed, embarrassed, or avoid talking about your own sexuality. As for being discrete that's just another term for being closeted. I have been out about my sexuality for decades and my wife knows about my bisexualit. All of the men and women I dated and had relationships with before I was married knew as well. It's not "warning" them it's telling them about your sexual orientation.

In regards to my discussing my sexuality, whats to discuss? Other than partners, why would I discuss my sexuality? I never in my 43 years walked around talking about how straight I am. Why would I walk around talking about how gay I am? Who gives a shit whether I'm blowing somebody or taking it up the ass? Why would that be of interest to anyone other than who I am intimate with? Why would I feel the need to broadcast it.
In regards to shame, I am not. Just because I don't feel the need to walk around letting everyone I know how awesome sucking balls is doesn't mean I'm ashamed of doing so. How would that even come up? Never once have I told someone about how fantastic pussy tastes. Never once have I said to anyone how much I love stroking my dick between a nice pair of melons. I mean, I have now! But within the context of this conversation I find it appropriate.
This is why I asked the question in the first place.

[elian]

Why do people who are closeted claim that if you come out that it's somehow telling someone about your sex life? It's not telling personal details or about your sex life at all.

Well if they previously thought you were straight, and now you tell them you are gay, bi, trans - that's telling them a lot about your "sex life" - or at least their stereotypical idea of what those things mean. To me, sexual preference is a part of my "sex life" - although it certainly isn't the same thing as my "sexual history" if that's what you mean.

[darkeyes]

Why do people who are closeted claim that if you come out that it's somehow telling someone about your sex life? It's not telling personal details or about your sex life at all.
Why do those who trumpet that everyone should get out of the closet claim that by coming out u are saying nothing about ur sex life or the sex life that u wish to have? It isn't as if you're not giving away some idea of what u are getting or are likely to get up to.

Elian is dead right.

[Long Duck Dong]

in a sense you are telling people about your sex life, without going into detail tho..... you are merely sharing the fact that you can have sex with males or females, not when and how you do it....

but that can be revealing enuf for some people cos of all the misconceptions and misunderstandings about bisexuality.... and by not declaring your sexuality, you are basically keeping your private life, private.... its like going on facebook but having your settings as private, people will soon learn that you are on facebook, even if you do not want anybody to know....