Heterosexual Insecurities

[bifemme]

So...I'm in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship. *sigh* And I'm a non-monogamous, bisexual. Now this is my first serious relationship and I figured the non-monogamous/polyamorous leaning recently. I guess, I kinda knew I was because I did say that if he wanted to go outside the relationship, then it's alright with me but I will also. When we were first getting to know each other, I came to realize that he didn't take my relationship with women and transwomen seriously, so I told him, "I love women just as much, if not more than men". Now why the hell did I do that? This and the fact that I can very well do without penetration of any kind; all of this is getting to him. THEN he tries to get me jealous by saying that he thought some woman was attractive which didn't work because I was actually getting turned on by the way he was describing her. Maybe he forgot that I was bisexual. :confused: Well I'm posting this to get some advice and feedback. How do I deal with a monogamous heterosexual? I would really appreciate it ;)

[Long Duck Dong]

honestly, it sounds to me, like a male that likes the masculine * in control * aspect of things, and he can not come to terms with the idea that you are a lady that is in control and comfortable with her own understanding of herself, her sexuality and her life....

its not the monogamous heterosexual that you have to deal with, its the insecure male that has a need to * be the boss * that you have to deal with, and his own issues with a relationship that is not putting him in control..... as there is a good number of monogamous heterosexuals out there that would not feel threatened by your own understanding of yourself and would be fine with you, enjoying other aspects of your life with other ladies....

I would not be surprised at all, if he has issues with the idea that you are fine without penetration..... not cos there is anything wrong with not wanting penetration but cos its generally a male role to penetrate and by not seeking it or needing it, you remove one of his biggest * claims to fame *....

in my eyes, you have done nothing wrong, you have expressed yourself openly, honestly and your partner is informed and aware of your sexuality, your interests and desires... and your partner is not able to deal with them or with his own lack of self confidence....

[falcondfw]

Drew, we need a "Ditto" button, in addition to reply buttons.
Well, thought out response LDD. Totally agree
The trying to get you jealous thing is a cheap, immature attempt at manipulation to "get you back in line".
There are men that will take your bisexuality seriously and help you enjoy your life in any way they can.

[tenni]

So...I'm in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship. *sigh* And I'm a non-monogamous, bisexual. Now this is my first serious relationship and I figured the non-monogamous/polyamorous leaning recently. I guess, I kinda knew I was because I did say that if he wanted to go outside the relationship, then it's alright with me but I will also. When we were first getting to know each other, I came to realize that he didn't take my relationship with women and transwomen seriously, so I told him, "I love women just as much, if not more than men". Now why the hell did I do that? This and the fact that I can very well do without penetration of any kind; all of this is getting to him. THEN he tries to get me jealous by saying that he thought some woman was attractive which didn't work because I was actually getting turned on by the way he was describing her. Maybe he forgot that I was bisexual. :confused: Well I'm posting this to get some advice and feedback. How do I deal with a monogamous heterosexual? I would really appreciate it ;)

Hmm Now if you were a male bisexual, I do not think that you would be getting the same comments from LDD. :)

I am a bit unclear as to what you are referring to as a "monogamous" relationship. You have given him permission to have sex with others if he wants. You want that same right. I think that was wise of you to place this on the table with him but that is not a monogamous relationship that some defend so strongly. What was his response? Did he give you permission to have sex with women?

You mention that he is not taking your relationships with women and transwomen seriously. What do you mean? How has he acted to make you think this?

The point that he does not like you not wanting penetrative sex should not surprise you. He is a hetero man. Of course, he wants to penetrate your vagina. Bi men would want to penetrate you as well. The only man that is going to be comfortable not having penetrative sex with you are gay men. Maybe, you may want to reconsider having sex with men at all if you do not care to be penetrated?

Why do you state that he was trying to make you jealous by discussing attractive women? What did he do when you showed that you were sexually aroused by his description? Did he become angry or want to have sex with you or?

The way that you deal with a hetero is the same way that all bisexuals deal with heteros.

1/ If he is willing to give you permission to have sex with transwomen and CSIwomen have ground rules established as to what he will accept and what he won't accept.
2/ Do not call the relationship monogamous.

If he will not take it seriously that you want to have sex with women but not penetrative sex with him as often as he wants, you may be in the wrong gender relationship?

[robin ta laye]

"Monogamy yes I agree, makes fine furniture but is more beautiful just left as a tree, I'd rather have variety and spice, because I know its the life for me".
Does this make any sense of it,..it that has you pondering how or with who?

[Gearbox]

A non monogamous polyamorous bisexual with a jealous mono-sexual monogamist?:yikes2:
You don't say how long you've been together, but if it's over 6 weeks I'd like some tips off you.lol

I wasn't openly non-jealous poly bi with women (nor with myself), and I'm sure that helped relationships last a while. But with men I'm very open about everything, and THAT has only caused me crap from the word 'Go!'. Sadly I think it would be better if I said I was a monogamous gay and acted jealous. I'd be 'in the closet' but it would make them feel more secure.
But like you, I feel the need to be accepted for what I am, and not have a big deal made of it.

Only tips I got for you are: 1. Don't make them feel insecure deliberately. 2. Only mention women if they do.
Didn't work for me btw.:!:

[bifemme]

Hmm Now if you were a male bisexual, I do not think that you would be getting the same comments from LDD. :)

I am a bit unclear as to what you are referring to as a "monogamous" relationship. You have given him permission to have sex with others if he wants. You want that same right. I think that was wise of you to place this on the table with him but that is not a monogamous relationship that some defend so strongly. What was his response? Did he give you permission to have sex with women?

You mention that he is not taking your relationships with women and transwomen seriously. What do you mean? How has he acted to make you think this?

The point that he does not like you not wanting penetrative sex should not surprise you. He is a hetero man. Of course, he wants to penetrate your vagina. Bi men would want to penetrate you as well. The only man that is going to be comfortable not having penetrative sex with you are gay men. Maybe, you may want to reconsider having sex with men at all if you do not care to be penetrated?

Why do you state that he was trying to make you jealous by discussing attractive women? What did he do when you showed that you were sexually aroused by his description? Did he become angry or want to have sex with you or?

The way that you deal with a hetero is the same way that all bisexuals deal with heteros.

1/ If he is willing to give you permission to have sex with transwomen and CSIwomen have ground rules established as to what he will accept and what he won't accept.
2/ Do not call the relationship monogamous.

If he will not take it seriously that you want to have sex with women but not penetrative sex with him as often as he wants, you may be in the wrong gender relationship?


The reason as to why I called this relationship monogamous is because he insists on keeping it that way, so no woman or man for me or him. Yes, I gave him permission, he didn't act out on it. And before you reply as to why I would get myself in a monogamous relationship in the first, I must say, if I hadn't made it clear, that this is my first serious relationship. So, I didn't quite know beforehand that I was polyamorous. This is very new to me.


I did not say that I refuse to participate in penetrative sex, I said that I can very well do without it. I'm bisexual, no doubt about it. Sexual attraction is not dependent on the sexual act.


He did get angry when I told him that I was sexually aroused by his descriptions. I know that he only did it for a low blow hit, but it didn't work because I'm attracted to women. I agree, with Long Duck Dong.

[bifemme]

A non monogamous polyamorous bisexual with a jealous mono-sexual monogamist?:yikes2:
You don't say how long you've been together, but if it's over 6 weeks I'd like some tips off you.lol

I wasn't openly non-jealous poly bi with women (nor with myself), and I'm sure that helped relationships last a while. But with men I'm very open about everything, and THAT has only caused me crap from the word 'Go!'. Sadly I think it would be better if I said I was a monogamous gay and acted jealous. I'd be 'in the closet' but it would make them feel more secure.
But like you, I feel the need to be accepted for what I am, and not have a big deal made of it.

Only tips I got for you are: 1. Don't make them feel insecure deliberately. 2. Only mention women if they do.
Didn't work for me btw.:!:



LOL. It's been nearly 9 months. But yeah, it's VERY emotionally draining. I think the relationship survive so long is because I can kinda escape by walking, jogging, just do something to re-energize. Love your tips, by the way.

[bifemme]

"Monogamy yes I agree, makes fine furniture but is more beautiful just left as a tree, I'd rather have variety and spice, because I know its the life for me".
Does this make any sense of it,..it that has you pondering how or with who?

The quote made wonderful sense. Ah, I think I know what I must do. I've never broke somebody's heart before. Sigh...

[tenni]

No I do nor

[tenni]

The reason as to why I called this relationship monogamous is because he insists on keeping it that way, so no woman or man for me or him. Yes, I gave him permission, he didn't act out on it. And before you reply as to why I would get myself in a monogamous relationship in the first, I must say, if I hadn't made it clear, that this is my first serious relationship. So, I didn't quite know beforehand that I was polyamorous. This is very new to me.


I did not say that I refuse to participate in penetrative sex, I said that I can very well do without it. I'm bisexual, no doubt about it. Sexual attraction is not dependent on the sexual act.


He did get angry when I told him that I was sexually aroused by his descriptions. I know that he only did it for a low blow hit, but it didn't work because I'm attracted to women. I agree, with Long Duck Dong.

No, I do not question why you got into a monogamous relationship. This happens to bisexuals frequently. Since he is not willing to agree for you to explore sex with other women, yes you do have to make a decision as to whether to remain in the relationship and monogamous or leave. Whether he is upset because he may think that he is not capable of pleasing you may be something to explore if you want to stay with him. The lack of interest in penetrative sex may impact you later in future m/f relationships.

Best of happiness to you.

[robin ta laye]

You'll be a better person for it and no longer confused and then with the wonderful attitude you have about honesty you'll find those who will truely appreciate you, and though you may affect their hearts it will be a good bending that doesn't break.
I think your very cool, and undoubtably an ever deeper human being.

[ExSailor]

I'd break up with him. It sounds as though you both are not compatible with each other, and now you're both trying to make each other jealous or playing mind games with each other. How old are you anyway? It does however beg the question if you know you're not into having a monogamous relationship why did you get into a relationship with someone who wants a monogamous relationship?

[bifemme]

I'd break up with him. It sounds as though you both are not compatible with each other, and now you're both trying to make each other jealous or playing mind games with each other. How old are you anyway? It does however beg the question if you know you're not into having a monogamous relationship why did you get into a relationship with someone who wants a monogamous relationship?


I had already stated that this is my first serious relationship. I DID NOT KNOW that I was polyamorous until I was in the relationship. And I have never tried to make him jealous on purpose. Anyways, please keep your ageism to yourself, thank you!