need help with longterm boyfriend im so confused

[cameo]

Hi all,
I'm new here, I found your site by looking for help with my boyfriend and read some posts, all of you seem really nice and helpfull so i figured I'd give this a try. Here goes :bigrin:

I think my boyfriend (BF)may be gay or bi, or maybe i'm just crazy. We have been together for 9 years we are high school sweethearts. I love him with everything i have and i know he feels the same for me. But for the last year or so something has just been off. When i ask for sex (he hardly ever asks me) he puts me off with some excuse or changes the subject, and when he does give in, its like hes just doing it to make me happy. Most of the time he hurrys through with his eyes closed and refuses to look at me or kiss me, and as soon as its over he jumps out of bed and leaves. When he stays he wont touch or look at me he just starts rambiling on about everyday stuff like we're having a dinner conversation.

Last night i was laying on the couch naked when he got home. I asked if he wanted to play a little, and he goes off on this rant about " i work 8 hours a day and when i come home i want to relax not fuck its like im working 10 hours im tired and hot NO" i understand tired and hot, hey, whatever i'm pissy when i get off work sometimes to, but he always has an excuse. I guess he didn't feel like BSing me last night and snapped. But i mean come on he's 26 years old he should want to get it on like a rabbit wtf. This is just one example there are to many to list.
Now this in its self does not make me think hes gay or bi. The conversation that i had with a high school friend (HSF)who is openly gay that makes me wonder. 1 year after we had been together HSF calls me one day crying and says "I'm so sorry me and BF played around he dumped me to be with you" im in shock but i calm him down and he tells me they had been seeing each other for a few months. They just played around (who knows what was meant by that). He knows BF loves me and HSF was just a play toy. He thought i should know he also said he though BF was bi as he could see the buety in men and woman. After that super fun phone call i thought about it for a few weeks. Then told BF what had happend he cried and told me yes it was true but he was just curiouse and lonely and said he would allways be faithfull to me im his one and only. Things were great after that no worrys no trouble just happy and a great sex life to. Until the last yearish. Can anyone help figure out if i'm right, and what i should do? He wont talk to me, he just gets mad and shuts me out. I can deal with him being bi or gay I love and support him no matter what. I just want the truth, or am i some high sex drive crazy bitch?

[FunE1]

Doesn't matter if your BF is bi or not, really.

What matters is that you're unhappy in the relationship.

If you're interested in fixing the relationship, you should be honest with your BF about how his behavior makes you feel and what you would like him to provide you instead. If he says he can do that, great -- you're now in a starting position to explore rest of things, such as sexuality in your relationship. If he's not able to provide you with what you need, you face only frustration in trying to determine if he's bi or not because, ultimately, it's not going to change the fact that you're relationship is not going to be what you want it to be.

[Long Duck Dong]

cameo, you need to sit quietly with him and talk with him.... there is a lot more that is going on with him than just the sex...... his reactions with you and around you, are signs of a internal and emotional conflict in him and he is struggling with them rather badly.......

you need to decide what you want to do, with the relationship, your partner and your own personal interests... IE are you ok and interested in a open relationship with your BF and what rules would you like to have in place.... and more importantly, who is allowed to know about what is going on......
it doesn't mean that he will open up and talk immediately, but its more about giving him a chance to ease the quilt inside of himself and a way of starting to work thru his issues

its not so much about giving him permission to fuck other people, but more about getting you both back to a point of where the relationship is more stable, he is able to talk more openly and honestly and gives you both a platform for communication... cos the other side of things is that he internalizes everything and acts in the way that you are seeing, its rather dangerous to do that as stress and anxiety can have a far greater effect on the human body than most people realist.....

part of the issue is what he has said to you about being faithful to you and you being his one and only... thats conflicting in him as he wants you to be his one and only, but his own nature conflicts with that, so he needs a way to see you as his one and only, while his other actions are not *challenging * that aspect.... its something that some bisexuals will justify by using the * its not cheating if its the same gender * or the * there is a difference between love and sex *.. and having their partner say that they are ok with anything going on as long as they are not lied to and there is a understanding that the person is faithful to them.....

another part can be that he may well not be able to reconcile things in himself, he may want to see himself as a heterosexual male and not a bi / gay male, cos it conflicts in him with other aspects of himself, his understanding and thinking... even beliefs and upbringing...... it will take time for him to resolve those issues in himself and for some people it can take years to work thru them, some people never do, so its more about finding a compromise in themselves that stops them ripping themselves apart with quilt and anxiety......

you could try asking him to sit down and talk with you about what is going on....telling him what you have told us, that you are ok with him being bi / gay and you have proven that by not walking away from the last time there were issues ( the time with him and his friend ) but you would appreciate a lil less being pushed aside and a lil more being treated like his understanding and open minded partner that is willing to listen and hear him out but you can not be that if he is not going to let you be that......
and you would much rather work with him to get thru the issues than feel like a person that is just one of his friends and not his partner.......

I agree with fune1, its not the sexuality label that is important.....its getting you both back to a point where you are both happy and able to smile more each day.... exactly how that happens, is between you and your boyfriend.....and how it will change you both, is something that we can not predict....but worrying about a label is not something that you need to be thinking about... its your relationship and your future that is what really matters

[MrMustard]

HI Cameo,

Not an expert on relationships... but I think the important thing here is your relationship, not his sexuality.
I Wouldn't go flat out and inform him that he is gay or Bi, as many men will go bat shit at that accusation, even if its true the social stigma is not acceptable to most blokes, I am Bi-sexual however my Partner (that would be Wife to I might add) is well aware and supportive of it, however I am not publicly Bi-sexual and rooting around or cheating would not be acceptable.
The hard part is that you have feelings for other people and you cannot act on them, not everybody is in an open relationship, I am not and cheating is cheating, regardless of who you are doing it with, so wanting to have sex with Men, loving a women and being in a relationship is kind of a mind fuck.

After 9 years together most people will have issues anyway as you start to get a bit stale and used to each other, chuck in a bit of sexual confusion and its gonna be a challenge.
Best advise is as other have already said, sit down for a talk and try your best to make sure its not an argument. currently I work about 10 hours a day almost everyday and if my wife was nudey when I got home I would be dancing, but we are all different so you cant have a go at him over that.

In regards to your sex drive, I have a sex drive like a humming bird on speed..... my wife does not so its up to me to accept that, not to try and change her to suit me and in reality I probably get more than most blokes anyway... he may just be not interested anymore... or bored ! however he should still do his best to make an effort for you if you need to get it on occasionally.
Best thing is a sit down and an open chat about whats going on and hope for the best, just be aware it could go great, or it could go poorly.

Don't start an argument, don't blame shit on Him or get blamed for anything, just have a polite conversation and be honest.
If he is cheating again, then there is Major issues that need to be looked at, cheating is cheating and is not something to be taken lightly.

Good Luck, hope it all works out for you.