Just about giving up..........

[DuckiesDarling]

I should probably blog this but oh well haters gonna hate no matter where it's posted.

Long story short, my mother is a bitch. Pure and simple. I thought I'd pretty much gotten past the fact she is while I was so sick and she was so helpful but then she starts in about my brother again. How she can't afford to go see him like I'm supposed to fork over money or something. Went to the grocery, she harped the whole way through the store about what I bought and the quality of what I bought. She had stopped but then passed a cemetery where a kid my brother used to hang with is buried. Drugs, of course. She goes doesn't seem like that long ago but it will be four years in October, I said well I'm glad Torrance (that's the kid's older brother) got off drugs and wish Lee(my younger brother) would do the same. She goes he hasn't been on drugs since he met "Kim". I said so everything he's done since he met her has been for her, the theft of your checks and credit card info, the stealing of a gun, the running from the law it's all been for her cause he's oh such a good boy.

She went rabid. Dragging up where I went to California on vacation.. .oops let's see adult, not needing permission and not ILLEGAL as proof I"m no angel. I said how dare you compare me going on vacation to his stealing from you and forcing you into bankruptcy???

So we were going to the bank so I could get some cash out because I did owe her a whopping four bucks, she swings around and goes to the apartment. I got mad and just dumped everything outside the van and went to see if the grocery cart was there.

She apparently had a change of heart or more to the point it would have looked bad for the neighbors to see it... and got out and was helping put stuff in cart. She dropped a bag with two jars of spaghetti sauce and when trying to pick up the box of spaghetti, emptied it.

Now it may not seem like a lot but that was money just gone. So right now I'm sitting here bawling over two jars of sauce and a box of noodles wasted while realizing that it's not that at all.... it's the fact I never really had a mother. :banghead:

[IanBorthwick]

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I can only offer my condolences as there is nothing that can be done to reverse what was set in motion so many years ago. And Condolences are too little also, especially in a situation like this. TO those who would tell you,"At least you had a mother," and say they had none, the reality is that it's actually WORSE than having none at all to have one AWOL while there in the flesh.

[Warrior Poet 69]

DD...this may not be what you want to hear right now but I believe it to be truth. You know s well as I do that when someone mind is closed or made up on a topic nothing you say our do will change that. Now I don't know your story but the way I see it when you reach the point that you are making yourself sick or having breakdowns, no matter big our small, its time for a change. The most empathetic of us find it the hardest and I think that may be you but nobody is worth your physical or mental health, so maybe it is time to give up on your mother. It will be hard, you will probably waver, and almost certainly cry some more. You can't help those who don't want to help themselves so the question becomes...do you want to help yourself and put a stop to this thing that tears you up inside? Hope I haven't overstepped but helped instead. Just my thoughts on it.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

All I can offer are big warm hugs, Honey..and a wish that you play the lotto and win so that you can go to Duck, and turn him into a cute Little Domestic Goddess, or turn him into a wonton sex toy to do your bidding!
Oh wait, thats for My weekend..sorry. Got confused there for a moment.
Hugs to you and Duck, Sweetie..:}
Silly Cat

[littlerayofsunshine]

(((((((((((((((((hugs DD))))))))))))))))))))))))

Some Mothers are just black holes (Toxic) that suck the life out of you.

Maybe a boundary of "When we are together, lets not talk about my brother please?" I know you need her help more than ever ATM and so cutting any or all contact off is not a possibility. Could maybe her understanding that when you are spending time with her that you only wish to enjoy pleasantries since life is difficult for the both of you in the time being, change the way she interacts with you?

Just wouldn't want you to end up like me, waiting for closure by checking the obituaries.

[DuckiesDarling]

Thanks, just a bad day then ended the trip like that... I really hate when you realize something that you have known all along. i"ve posted here before about her and how she treated me as the spare daughter when my sis died, before that I was the middle kid. Pretty much I'm daddy's girl but my mother seems incapable of loving more than two children, one of each gender at a time. I have no idea why she just won't open her eyes and see my brother for what he has done, but she blames everyone else for the crimes he committed. No matter the hardship it put them through, it's always someone else's fault, can't be the little boy. I must say it did teach me how not to parent. Cold comfort when you are already in a downward spiral due to meds but that's one truth I have embraced.

[falcondfw]

Thanks, just a bad day then ended the trip like that... I really hate when you realize something that you have known all along. i"ve posted here before about her and how she treated me as the spare daughter when my sis died, before that I was the middle kid. Pretty much I'm daddy's girl but my mother seems incapable of loving more than two children, one of each gender at a time. I have no idea why she just won't open her eyes and see my brother for what he has done, but she blames everyone else for the crimes he committed. No matter the hardship it put them through, it's always someone else's fault, can't be the little boy. I must say it did teach me how not to parent. Cold comfort when you are already in a downward spiral due to meds but that's one truth I have embraced.


DD,
I hope you will pardon my prying, but is the brother with the drug issue the youngest in the family or even just the youngest boy?

[DuckiesDarling]

Falcon, he's the only boy and the youngest child.

[csrakate]

I've been through this same thing with my mother regarding my now deceased brother. To this day she refuses to admit that he had a drug and alcohol problem. Oh...she admits he drank too much and took pills he shouldn't have taken, but it was always someone else's fault...his wife's for making him see a psychiatrist...the psychiatrist for putting him on Xanax, his wife for not staying with him when he hit rock bottom....my father for not loving him enough....it goes on and on. But one day I realized that no matter what I thought of my brother and his behavior, no matter that he was in liver failure from the abuse of alcohol and drugs and nearly died several times before he finally lost the battle, he was still HER son and as hard as it is for me to accept, she has her own truths because the real truth may just be too much for her to handle in regards to a child of hers. I have stopped arguing with her about it. It's not worth trying to change her mind because as a mother myself, I know I would be crushed if a child of mine had to struggle the way my brother did. He was sick....no matter what the illness, he was sick so I let her talk and I listen because I know his death still hurts her and the truth would kill her. It's not easy, but there is no use beating a dead horse. I hope this helps a little to know you're not the only one to deal with this.... I know it won't bring you the love that you seek from your mother, but try to understand why she may be the way she is and realize that it is nothing that you have done.....These are HER demons and the best thing you can do is try to keep those demons from affecting your life. I'm not suggesting that you be a doormat for her....please don't think that. You can still say what you feel and let her know that you don't agree, but just remember why she may say the things that she says and realize that no amount of argument from you is going to change her mind. Save yourself some trouble, DD....Avoid the subject when you can and if need be, walk away when it comes up. She still has no excuse to treat you poorly.

[DuckiesDarling]

I've been through this same thing with my mother regarding my now deceased brother. To this day she refuses to admit that he had a drug and alcohol problem. Oh...she admits he drank too much and took pills he shouldn't have taken, but it was always someone else's fault...his wife's for making him see a psychiatrist...the psychiatrist for putting him on Xanax, his wife for not staying with him when he hit rock bottom....my father for not loving him enough....it goes on and on. But one day I realized that no matter what I thought of my brother and his behavior, no matter that he was in liver failure from the abuse of alcohol and drugs and nearly died several times before he finally lost the battle, he was still HER son and as hard as it is for me to accept, she has her own truths because the real truth may just be too much for her to handle in regards to a child of hers. I have stopped arguing with her about it. It's not worth trying to change her mind because as a mother myself, I know I would be crushed if a child of mine had to struggle the way my brother did. He was sick....no matter what the illness, he was sick so I let her talk and I listen because I know his death still hurts her and the truth would kill her. It's not easy, but there is no use beating a dead horse. I hope this helps a little to know you're not the only one to deal with this.... I know it won't bring you the love that you seek from your mother, but try to understand why she may be the way she is and realize that it is nothing that you have done.....These are HER demons and the best thing you can do is try to keep those demons from affecting your life. I'm not suggesting that you be a doormat for her....please don't think that. You can still say what you feel and let her know that you don't agree, but just remember why she may say the things that she says and realize that no amount of argument from you is going to change her mind. Save yourself some trouble, DD....Avoid the subject when you can and if need be, walk away when it comes up. She still has no excuse to treat you poorly.

Thanks, Kate, it does help. I'm doing the best I can, just the death of a dream kinda hit me hard earlier with everything else. I have long since came to the point that while I do love him because he is my brother, I don't like him very much. He is going to have to pay for the crimes he committed regardless of who he committed them against. Maybe once he's done with this he'll straighten up and actually live honestly. It's not how we were raised so I'm not certain how he came by it, but I will say that for the most part he did steal to help others. Not excusing anything but it was like something in his head thought it was okay as long as he was helping others. One big thing he did was get money at a Casino out of my parent's bank account, causing them to bounce many checks.. he did 3 years for forgery on that, but he bought me a new floor for the place that got burned up. It was thrown in my face about how my "no account brother paid for my floor", then I found out how he paid for it. I felt guilt everytime I had to walk across it to get to the other part of the house.

He's currently locked up now because of me. The day I had my ovary removed he was picked up by Estille county police on information provided anoymously on felon with warrants living in their county. Yes, I called the cops. I had just reached a breaking point and thought if anything went bad with the surgery he needed to not be a drain on my parents. But I am at the point now I just don't care anymore. They want to continue enabling him.. fine. He's already went through anything that might be an inheritance for me so when I board a plane to go to NZ, I'm not coming back to the US and I'm not going to have any regrets about not coming back.

[Long Duck Dong]

I keep telling you that that your mother and my mother are twin sisters that were separated at.... I would like to say birth, but in the case of my mother, I am not sure if hellspawn are born...lol

you already know the truth about my family and what I deal with, so when ya move ya butt to NZ, I can not promise you that things will be any different.... tho my father has taken a shine to you, and yeah, skye would have hugged you to death before I even got a chance to give you a hug...