cherry88
Sep 10, 2012, 7:23 PM
hi everyone its been so helpful reading this site..... i know almost nothing about this topic... im really hoping that some people here can help me understand what it is im missing here, or give me some info they can see but i cant...
im real confused and am just gonna try to explain this situation in chronological order as much as possible. i just have no experience to compare this to and want to run this by people who have more experience or who might have seen some of this before or know what it means.
so - im 46, with bf 2 1/2 years. hes a bit younger but honestly noone notices. its been a good relationship and i really care about him. i knew very early that he had only been in 2 relationships before (also his -only- sexual partners, hes had 3 -total- including me) and both times he 'made a big deal' (his words) about having 'open relationships'. he said something about feeling like he was young and wanted to be committed to his gf's, but that if 'something happened' that it wouldnt necessarily 'ruin the relationship'. that was his explanation and then we kinda let it go.
i asked him at that time very directly twice if he wanted that with me, and both times he said no... he also told me that in both those relationships (totaling ten years) he -never- one time ever, took advantage of it. not once in ten years. he didnt say why. but it didn't seem like that huge a deal so i kinda forgot about it.
so now two years later, as far as i can tell our relationship is going super great.... i thought wed kinda worked out all the major relationship stuff and were kinda ready to just enjoy each other.. (guess i was wrong) so for some reason just when im starting to relax now is the time he brings up open relationships. AGHGHGH.
he said, that he was bringing it up -becuase- things are going well. he said he was feeling like he really liked me and wanted to stay with me long term so he needed to get this 'over with' or out in the open or something. he said he was doiing it -because- he wanted to be with me a long time. that to start out with was confusing for me.
but that was really not a huge deal actually..... its what happened next, how the discussion actually went, that was much much worse... the fact that he asked for it, is not all that huge a deal for me. i told him straight out that im ok with parts of that.... for instance im into sleeping with other people together... and im also fine with occasional 'passes' to be with others alone on like kinda 'special occasions'.
its always been normal between us to joke about that stuff, its ok if my guys watch porn and flirt and i expect them to be attracted to other people, (like i am sometimes) so that part realy isn't a big deal... but i like to keep that mostly as a fantasy, i realy really balk at the concept of actually involving other livign people in my intimate life... i just have some kinda deep trust issues........ and becuase of that i just tend to prefer few, close relationships in general in my life.. its just a personal thing and its just what i prefer.
so i think because of that i tend to prefer mostly physically monagamous relationships. i dont care what my lovers think about or fantasize about or do with their thoughts and im even partially turned on by that but physically it feels too complicated for me to involve other humans except on like special occasions.. or if we do stuff together.. or if the level of safety and stuff between us is -exceptionally- high.. thats kind of how i feel for the most part.
so basically i didnt say no at all, not even close.... i didnt really explain all that at first i just explained what i was into and what i -was- ok with, that i totally respected his (and my) right to be attracted to other people and want to sleep with them and even do it -occasionally- but that other than that really i basically preferred monagamy. i did tell him that there wre definitely parts of me that were into it and if what we want matches up i thought we could both really enjoy that.... he was like 100% sure that this would be no problem and id be totally ok with it (thougth i still dont know the details)
however at that point, somehow the conversation totally fell apart...... and thats what im tryign to figure out right now.
basically what happened was he apparently honestly said he thought it wouldnt be a big deal to me.... (which amazed me) hes brought up other kinks before just between us and ive always been totally into it so i gues he felt i would be the same way..
he said he really felt this conversation was like 'a formality' and that he had just wanted to 'get it over with' and that he felt it would cause like absolutely no change in our relationship, at all...... /// which is where things started falling apart. his really casual attitude started freaking me out cause to me this was a huge deal and i had a ton of questions and concerns. i liked stuff the way it was and i was very scared that it would change everythign and i would totally lose control of like all sense of safety in my personal life and that i would have to leave him, and i was totallly heartbroken. to me it was a very big deal.
i also asked him directly if since he never actually did it before, if this was maybe more about principles or permission or something like that, and i told him i was totally ok with all that and yes i supported that totally i just wanted to know if thats what he thought it was... and he gave me a really cryptic answer like 'well i wouldnt ask about doing something if i didnt really want to do it' which to me was just really not clear or helpful at all and started making me even more uncomfortable. the fact that he never commented on what i -was- ok with and -was- wiling to do or accept, made me feel really uncomfortable. we were doing all this by email which was probably stupid. its so easy for stuff to go wrong.
either way i started asking all these questions like about std's and awkward social situations and stuff.... but he very quickly started getting upset and saying that i was bringing in 'extra stuff' and trying to 'roadblock' the discussion... whicih made me really sad cause i honestly thought i was being really open to it.
however he was quite impatient with me and after only a short while and only a very few attempts to answer my questions, he got very frustrated and said i was being stubborn and difficult and actually got very upset with me and blamed me for the entire thing going wrong at one point.... i mean ive like never seen him be like that.... i was really trying to control my emotoins and stay focused on the discussion......... but it got harder and harder since he was just so -totally- intolerant of my fears and issues. i mean im usualy sooo laid back and prety open minded....... but isnt it -kind- of to be expected that someone -might- freak out a bit, and have worries and fears about something like this?
he -always- asks me to tell him how i feel.. so i tried to explain what i was thinking, (that our social life would be totally f@cked, that he would start ignoring me all the time and taking me for granted, that he was saying i wasnt doign it for him or that he didnt like beign with me, etc) and honestly i mean, i couldnt believe how totally unsympathetic he was. i mean he totally acted like i was being a total baby about nothing. he said i was acting 'like it was the end of the world already' (!!) i thought that was a bit insensitive.
and he never said thank you for listening or for not just saying no or anything like that, he never one time thanked me for or even mentioned, me being open to any of it.... he just kept acting like i was being super unreasonable and -completely- out of line.... that really kind of made me angry after awhile. and made me want to stop trying. and really hes not like that usually he is usually very very nice guy who is sensitive and considerate and trustworthy and cares about my feelings and thats why im with him. // so this all was prety out of character and thus even more disturbing.
so i dont know what to do now..... we really actually do have fairly good communication usually and usually we talk about a lot of stuff so im honestly really astounded that went -sooo- bad.
we agreed to just take a break and start over in a bit.
at this point i honestly feel like if he were more sensitive about my concerns i might actually honestly be into it and we would be ok.... but this was just terrible for me and its the number one reason why i think at this point i dont feel at alll good about it... and i really really wanted to feel good about it.. i really tried.... //
so at this point we havent even discussed the actual details of what he wants becuase we are both so frustrated and upset and tired and angry and pissed off we have just called a break. im really, really scared to go further cause i dont want to get all upset again cause the casual way he talks about it has been super hurtful so far and hes been like almost no help.
he says repeatedly hes totally into 'negotiating' and 'figuring out an agreement that works for both of us' and 'taking my feelings into account' and usually i would completly trust him on that...... however, this converstaion has gone sooooo bad that im totaly scared to continue talking about it.
admittedly as a trauma case im a bit 'special needs' but really its not a big deal..... but i do kind of feel its kinda part of who i am and i feel like if he truly wants to be with me, the real me, and if he wants to do this thing that -is- admittedly somewhat emotoinally triggering for lots of people not just those with severe trust issues, then he kind of would be accepting of my feelings and thoughts a little more, and be ready to help me work with them a bit more than this...... its still the way i feel and i try to work with it, but i am who i am you know.
i love this guy we have a great sex life and hes really a decent, awesome, very special guy and id -love- to be with him a long time... in most ways we get along really well. i -do- think from his history, its very possible what we want might actually work together... but the way this conversation has gone has made me feel terrible......... im just astounded he got so upset and impatient... i cant really believe he was -that- surprised i would be upset or have concerns.. // usually hes a lot more normal and laid back and not like that at all.....
please, what do you guys think. what am i missing. what can i improve on. whats 'normal' in these situations. how can i help us communicate better about this?? hope you can help. thanks for listening.
im real confused and am just gonna try to explain this situation in chronological order as much as possible. i just have no experience to compare this to and want to run this by people who have more experience or who might have seen some of this before or know what it means.
so - im 46, with bf 2 1/2 years. hes a bit younger but honestly noone notices. its been a good relationship and i really care about him. i knew very early that he had only been in 2 relationships before (also his -only- sexual partners, hes had 3 -total- including me) and both times he 'made a big deal' (his words) about having 'open relationships'. he said something about feeling like he was young and wanted to be committed to his gf's, but that if 'something happened' that it wouldnt necessarily 'ruin the relationship'. that was his explanation and then we kinda let it go.
i asked him at that time very directly twice if he wanted that with me, and both times he said no... he also told me that in both those relationships (totaling ten years) he -never- one time ever, took advantage of it. not once in ten years. he didnt say why. but it didn't seem like that huge a deal so i kinda forgot about it.
so now two years later, as far as i can tell our relationship is going super great.... i thought wed kinda worked out all the major relationship stuff and were kinda ready to just enjoy each other.. (guess i was wrong) so for some reason just when im starting to relax now is the time he brings up open relationships. AGHGHGH.
he said, that he was bringing it up -becuase- things are going well. he said he was feeling like he really liked me and wanted to stay with me long term so he needed to get this 'over with' or out in the open or something. he said he was doiing it -because- he wanted to be with me a long time. that to start out with was confusing for me.
but that was really not a huge deal actually..... its what happened next, how the discussion actually went, that was much much worse... the fact that he asked for it, is not all that huge a deal for me. i told him straight out that im ok with parts of that.... for instance im into sleeping with other people together... and im also fine with occasional 'passes' to be with others alone on like kinda 'special occasions'.
its always been normal between us to joke about that stuff, its ok if my guys watch porn and flirt and i expect them to be attracted to other people, (like i am sometimes) so that part realy isn't a big deal... but i like to keep that mostly as a fantasy, i realy really balk at the concept of actually involving other livign people in my intimate life... i just have some kinda deep trust issues........ and becuase of that i just tend to prefer few, close relationships in general in my life.. its just a personal thing and its just what i prefer.
so i think because of that i tend to prefer mostly physically monagamous relationships. i dont care what my lovers think about or fantasize about or do with their thoughts and im even partially turned on by that but physically it feels too complicated for me to involve other humans except on like special occasions.. or if we do stuff together.. or if the level of safety and stuff between us is -exceptionally- high.. thats kind of how i feel for the most part.
so basically i didnt say no at all, not even close.... i didnt really explain all that at first i just explained what i was into and what i -was- ok with, that i totally respected his (and my) right to be attracted to other people and want to sleep with them and even do it -occasionally- but that other than that really i basically preferred monagamy. i did tell him that there wre definitely parts of me that were into it and if what we want matches up i thought we could both really enjoy that.... he was like 100% sure that this would be no problem and id be totally ok with it (thougth i still dont know the details)
however at that point, somehow the conversation totally fell apart...... and thats what im tryign to figure out right now.
basically what happened was he apparently honestly said he thought it wouldnt be a big deal to me.... (which amazed me) hes brought up other kinks before just between us and ive always been totally into it so i gues he felt i would be the same way..
he said he really felt this conversation was like 'a formality' and that he had just wanted to 'get it over with' and that he felt it would cause like absolutely no change in our relationship, at all...... /// which is where things started falling apart. his really casual attitude started freaking me out cause to me this was a huge deal and i had a ton of questions and concerns. i liked stuff the way it was and i was very scared that it would change everythign and i would totally lose control of like all sense of safety in my personal life and that i would have to leave him, and i was totallly heartbroken. to me it was a very big deal.
i also asked him directly if since he never actually did it before, if this was maybe more about principles or permission or something like that, and i told him i was totally ok with all that and yes i supported that totally i just wanted to know if thats what he thought it was... and he gave me a really cryptic answer like 'well i wouldnt ask about doing something if i didnt really want to do it' which to me was just really not clear or helpful at all and started making me even more uncomfortable. the fact that he never commented on what i -was- ok with and -was- wiling to do or accept, made me feel really uncomfortable. we were doing all this by email which was probably stupid. its so easy for stuff to go wrong.
either way i started asking all these questions like about std's and awkward social situations and stuff.... but he very quickly started getting upset and saying that i was bringing in 'extra stuff' and trying to 'roadblock' the discussion... whicih made me really sad cause i honestly thought i was being really open to it.
however he was quite impatient with me and after only a short while and only a very few attempts to answer my questions, he got very frustrated and said i was being stubborn and difficult and actually got very upset with me and blamed me for the entire thing going wrong at one point.... i mean ive like never seen him be like that.... i was really trying to control my emotoins and stay focused on the discussion......... but it got harder and harder since he was just so -totally- intolerant of my fears and issues. i mean im usualy sooo laid back and prety open minded....... but isnt it -kind- of to be expected that someone -might- freak out a bit, and have worries and fears about something like this?
he -always- asks me to tell him how i feel.. so i tried to explain what i was thinking, (that our social life would be totally f@cked, that he would start ignoring me all the time and taking me for granted, that he was saying i wasnt doign it for him or that he didnt like beign with me, etc) and honestly i mean, i couldnt believe how totally unsympathetic he was. i mean he totally acted like i was being a total baby about nothing. he said i was acting 'like it was the end of the world already' (!!) i thought that was a bit insensitive.
and he never said thank you for listening or for not just saying no or anything like that, he never one time thanked me for or even mentioned, me being open to any of it.... he just kept acting like i was being super unreasonable and -completely- out of line.... that really kind of made me angry after awhile. and made me want to stop trying. and really hes not like that usually he is usually very very nice guy who is sensitive and considerate and trustworthy and cares about my feelings and thats why im with him. // so this all was prety out of character and thus even more disturbing.
so i dont know what to do now..... we really actually do have fairly good communication usually and usually we talk about a lot of stuff so im honestly really astounded that went -sooo- bad.
we agreed to just take a break and start over in a bit.
at this point i honestly feel like if he were more sensitive about my concerns i might actually honestly be into it and we would be ok.... but this was just terrible for me and its the number one reason why i think at this point i dont feel at alll good about it... and i really really wanted to feel good about it.. i really tried.... //
so at this point we havent even discussed the actual details of what he wants becuase we are both so frustrated and upset and tired and angry and pissed off we have just called a break. im really, really scared to go further cause i dont want to get all upset again cause the casual way he talks about it has been super hurtful so far and hes been like almost no help.
he says repeatedly hes totally into 'negotiating' and 'figuring out an agreement that works for both of us' and 'taking my feelings into account' and usually i would completly trust him on that...... however, this converstaion has gone sooooo bad that im totaly scared to continue talking about it.
admittedly as a trauma case im a bit 'special needs' but really its not a big deal..... but i do kind of feel its kinda part of who i am and i feel like if he truly wants to be with me, the real me, and if he wants to do this thing that -is- admittedly somewhat emotoinally triggering for lots of people not just those with severe trust issues, then he kind of would be accepting of my feelings and thoughts a little more, and be ready to help me work with them a bit more than this...... its still the way i feel and i try to work with it, but i am who i am you know.
i love this guy we have a great sex life and hes really a decent, awesome, very special guy and id -love- to be with him a long time... in most ways we get along really well. i -do- think from his history, its very possible what we want might actually work together... but the way this conversation has gone has made me feel terrible......... im just astounded he got so upset and impatient... i cant really believe he was -that- surprised i would be upset or have concerns.. // usually hes a lot more normal and laid back and not like that at all.....
please, what do you guys think. what am i missing. what can i improve on. whats 'normal' in these situations. how can i help us communicate better about this?? hope you can help. thanks for listening.