BiMarried looking for advice as to whether to be with a man or not.

[philly_john]

Here's where I am at. I'm a happy 40yo bi married guy here that loves his wife, loves sex with his wife and is normal and content. Things are good here.

I've always been attracted to guys, although I do find that attraction to become stronger as I get older. I love women and also am attracted to men. Not just curious, and I am happy and sane with that. Wife doesn't know (and would be horrified -- trust me, it just wouldn't work out as an open marriage).

Wife and I enjoy sex together, but I augment that with masturbation in secret with porn, sometimes gay, sometimes straight. Over the last five years it has been more into gay and bi guys: phone, webchat and really connecting with guys, which has been terrific. For one, I seriously thought that bi married guys were rare. and it made me feel great knowing there were many guys like me who enjoy men and still enjoy our wives. It wasn't the either/or decision I thought it was. For another, I really enjoy talking and sharing sex with a guy and becoming intimate. Heck, I even like talking to another guy about sex advice with out gals. Real turn on.

The real reason for posting is now I want more. I want to be with a man. I want to find another married bud, become friends, share stories, and make love to. I want to be in a close friendship with that guy with the intent of just enjoying our manliness but without leaving our wives.

The question here is... can that happen?

I'm careful by nature. So I think things out as best as I can. Maybe I can find another guy in the same boat that wants what I want. Maybe we are both stable and mature and want the same pace: just want to love each other in secret. Maybe it also is a closed loop thing where we always take precautions for STDs but are honest with each other so we can just enjoy sex and love with that same freedom we do with our wives.

But there's these other things I think about.
- what if I (or him) become more attracted to each other than our wives emotionally? or obsessively?
- will m2m play make me eventually dislike the sex with my wife? my wife doesn't give oral, for instance. So will I just automatically love a man more?
- how long can this go on (realistically)? any experience you guys have with other mature m2m relationships?
- STDs are always a concern. Even if us guys were faithful, things can be introduced by all four parties. And they have a ripple effect. There's always that chance.
- Once I truly am with a man, I'll always have that experience. So is it better to just have it as a fantasy, rather than go through with all of this until I find someone? Maybe the time to experiment was when I was younger. Maybe I should stick with camming/phoning.

For many of those reasons have prevented me. But mostly that I love my wife, love my wife and could happily remain monogamous. It's just that I know I would love to be with a man and there's a few opportunities I have right now. So while I was happy to stay faithful, part of me says that I should go for it.

I'm not asking for permission or validation. I guess I'm asking for personal experience and a conversation. I think that helps me form an opinion.

Any real life experience out there?
Any advice?
Any regrets?

[Long Duck Dong]

hi and welcome to the site.......

ok you have really put some thought into what you want and what you seek.... it makes it a lot easier to talk with you about things.......

you mentioned that your wife would not understand and that a open marriage is not a option.... well, you already have a rough idea of what will happen if she ever finds out..... so going into the whole * try talking with your wife * speech is not really going to be worth your time or mine......

a lot of the questions you ask, are questions that we can give personal experiences and opinions about but they are answers only you can get yourself thru your own personal experiences... but in saying that, I am inclined to ask how you see yourself as the way you write, comes across as a person that doesn't have a equal male and female attraction that is clearly defined on different levels and you appear to be a person that is more leaning towards the gay side than the heterosexual side...... that doesn't mean you are not bisexual btw..lol....but that you are coming across as a person that is paying closer attention to how deeply he may end up being with another male, rather than the male looking for a hook up with no strings attached

in honest answer to can you find the person you seek, its a resounding hell yes, its very possible, once you work your way thru all the time wasters and people that want nothing more than a quick grope and suck..... there are quite a lot of guys that seek what you seek....as its easier to manage in their lives.....

there is nothing worse than a unanswered question.... and so you already know that until you have been with another guy, you will not know if its really what you want and seek.... and i honestly think that you know yourself, its what you want, not cos its a fantasy in your mind, but because you have explored yourself and the realm of possibilities to find what you want in your life

so I will give you some simple advice....

1) never assume your wife doesn't know, woman are very intuitive at times and even if they do not openly accept things, they can often quietly accept things without mentioning anything...... and for some guys its about as good as it gets, until something causes a issue within the relationship then you may find out how much your wife does know.....

2) safe sex is only as safe as any activity can be that carries a risk... so do the best you can to protect yourself and your partners and hope that everything remains safe..... therefore if you have doubts, do not have sex with the person you have doubts about..... cos its more than safe sex, its about protecting your partner and your marriage....

3) what you want to give and receive can make any sexual experience good or bad if the other person does or doesn't share the same interests.....try and find the right person for the best experience, not any person for any experience...

4) if you find that you are starting to fall in love with the other guy, take a deep breath..... its possible to love two or more people with a passion... but it doesn't mean that the other person will feel the same way about you.....and that can be difficult....

5) we do not really know if we can fly until we spread our wings and leap.....and as experience has taught many people, we either fly, crash to the ground or some asshole mistakes us for a duck and fills us full of lead lol AKA gossips, backstabbers and people with grudges against us.....

I hope for you and your wives sake that it doesn't all go belly up.... cos the price that people can pay, is way too high.....

[tenni]

Hi
Well, you are at the age range when many men decide to explore their same sex desires. You are not alone.

I am not in your shoes but I've been with men sexually who have been.

You are concerned that you may become emotionally attracted to a man more so than your wife. Is there any indication about yourself that makes you think that you are able to be emotionally attracted to other men? Not all men (bisexual) have both a physical and emotional attraction to both men and women. Some / many bimen speak of a sexual attraction to other men only. You seem to write about a desire for closeness with another man on the level of intimate friendship. Some men find it is the intimacy with another man more so than the physical sex while others have only sexual needs to be with other men.

You won't know that answer until you explore your same sex wants/needs. I know of a man who took his time in finding a compatible man. Each guy is going to explore this their own way. This man is happy with the other man and they meet occasionally. It seems to fulfill his need and he remains with his wife. He seems to have looked for a couple of years and yes he did have sex with one man who played him. His present friend seems to be more suitable. If you are concerned about a guy playing you for a one time hook up disguised as something else, you might want to insist on meeting in public with no sex for the first time or so. The horn dogs may drop you right away.

It is always best to discuss your same sex attraction with your wife but it is your choice. Some will write that she should have this right while we should also acknowledge that you should have a right to explore yourself and your sexuality. Things change. You only live once and the need/desire seems growing in you. As I wrote, many bimen find themselves where you are. Some discuss it with their wives and strongly suggest that is the best route even if she rejects you. No one is in your shoes though. Good luck to you.

[philly_john]

Thanks so much for the thoughful replies. In the very least, I am so touched in knowing that I am not alone. I guess i was drawn here because it's not like you can talk about this even with close friends you share everything with.

Sexually, I find myself 50/50 attracted to men and women. But likely that is because I have my needs met by a very sexy wife. Plus, any fantasy sort of takes hold. But it is something I've thought about of and on for many years. It's likely the internet age where hooking up with someone is easier than ever that really stirs it. I'm not the type to hang out in an adult shop for a temporary fling.

I like the advice of knowing about guys out there that want something temporary. That's very sound.

Also rethinking a discussion with the wife is sound. As mentioned, she might already know. That's something I didn't consider. But it gets my gears thinking.

[Hypersexual11]

Hi John,
Familiar story. For me, I did see men behind my wife's back, one gay guy she knew was a "friend" but many many hookups. Unlike you, I don't really think things through and I'm sure one day it will be my demise. But, I did get away with seeing guys behind her back for over 15 years. After that the story gets too complicated to deal with here but I could have continued on that path forever I assume. The problem comes with bringing in a new friend. THAT really needs to be thought through, stories straight, where'd ya meet and whatnot. But, I was "allowed" for lack of better term to hang with this gay guy. We'd go camping and fishing, hang out at his place. The perfect setup. But he is gay and he felt more than I could return so that's a valid concern. But he is gay, not married bi.
My feelings never drifted more towards guys. I just don't get connected to guys like that. Sport Sex is the term I gave it. I'm more hypersexual than bisexual. If you feel emotional bonds towards men, That would be a concern. Especially if you are getting something from him that you don't get at home. Be careful
If you are serious to do it, it's a commitment. This shit rarely just falls into our lap. Gotta go get it so be prepared to do a lot of weeding. Good luck.

[philly_john]

Thanks, guys. Yeah, I wrote that almost a year ago and have changed my attitude since then. I've looked on this site and read too many stories about the perils, distrust, and guilt of doing stuff behind your partner's back. So I backed away from that and never ventured beyond my computer, Skype, and porn.

[philly_john]

Another thing. Thanks to this place and the forums. Growing up, I sort of felt weird that I liked both genders. Homosexuality wasn't talked about much, but it was know. But bisexuality or pansexuality (or even a shifting sexuality) wasn't something I heard about. Even in this age where we have some sexual freedom and discussion, it isn't discussed. In the last year that I came here, it has been a revelation of "wow, just like me" which has pacified me quite a bit. These aren't unearthly desires but something natural and something that I understand better. Before I would masturbate and hide in guilt later. Now I have that release and enjoy it afterward. It's a big change that I feel I couldn't have got to without this place.

[CurEUs_Male]

Philly John,
You are not alone, and there are many out there that have pushed these feelings aside, or opened up to their wives, and even WITH their wives. While it is regularly believed that marriages with mixed orientations are doomed, I have found plenty of people making it work. I can back channel you a few resources too. The common thread is full and open communication, no secrets, no cheating. Most of the failures are because of cheating, not the bi or gay thing...

Al

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Well John, Welcome Home, Darlin. At least here you can find some great like-minded folks to talk to, and discuss your particular situation. Isnt that Freeing? Its wonderful..:}
Good luck to ya hon..;)
Cat
Everybody's Feline.

[BareProf]

Well, my wife knows of my few past bi experiences, has seen a guy suck me when we were swingers and knows how I react when we watch porn and have sex as she will tease me,"You'd really like to suck him, wouldn't you?" With me it is a very strong desire to suck cock and receive cum. Very strong, thus I'm on here, hoping to hook up, not for romance but for cock sucking. Too blunt? Well, I'm honest with the statement. If we were still swinging it would be easy to bring a guy into bed with or without her. Now, I'm not sure.

I'm not about to fall in love with a bi guy, just wanting a guy to love my cock as much as I might love his. Being nude with a guy, stroking and sucking each other - so much different than with a gal, but equally exciting and slightly different.

Davie in FL

[smoke this]

This is the wife and I found outwhen I was about 8 months pregnant with my son and it was not good knowing that I love my husband come to do you understand he likes me and you and I as long as he does not cheat on me or go behind my back

[Nauti95]

Philly John and others
I will say this.. Be sure as to what you want to do. Make it right with your partner first if you think she can handle it. I am sure that I am not the only one that went behind the wife's back and I paid for it dearly. Actually my wife and I paid for it..After being divorced now for 9 years, I was married for 10 years. Although, I had many encounters with other men prior to being married, I thought the bi feelings would subside once I met the woman I fell in love with. However, later in years, those feelings were still within me. I couldn't help but still enjoying sexual relations with other guys. I could never love another guy but the feelings of having sex and playing with another mans big cock just would not go away.. I then thought something was wrong with me. But foremost, my wife eventually found out that I had sex with another guy all because of the stupid internet. We would both even have cyber sex as a couple with others. Later on while I was away fishing for the weekend with completely straight guys, she was looking for information on the internet on one of the service providers that we no longer even used. She looked up an old AOL account password that I no longer used, but she asked AOL to recall the password. She then accessed my old password. As soon as she popped up online, a past friend that I had had sex with popped right up and wanted to know if I would like to fuck again. He had no idea that he wasconversing with my wife, but thinking that he was conversing with me.. She led him on to thinking he was conversing with me while chatting. Low and behold, he revealed to my wife that he had sex with me. So if your gonna play, be upfront with yourself that the big chance of getting caught will ruin your marriage and possibly your life. ONLY YOU can make that decision. So, decide which way you want to go. Even though, during our divorce, I began to find out things about my wife that was revealed. However, not going into detail and no need to do so, I will just say that my wife and I had a great sex life with each other for 10 years of marraige. But it all came to an end because I chose to enjoy sex with another guy and she found out about it. It was just blantant cheating and I admitted it to her. During times that we would party at nigh clubs, she also had revealed that she was interested in having threesomes with another female, but we never actually got that far to participating. She did tell me that she would stand by me and we would work it all out, but our marriage fell apart. In all, I think I have paid for my fuck up. I am still single and finally accepted the fact that I am bi and probably wont get married again. I feel that it serves me right for happened as others probably agree. What I see in todays world, I see the same situations with other people and it takes me back to "haunting" thoughts..

[Dead Account]

Damn- sounds more than familiar to me. In fact, spot on with my feelings exactly. Great post, John. And thank you.

[bi4asplay]

Another thing. Thanks to this place and the forums. Growing up, I sort of felt weird that I liked both genders. Homosexuality wasn't talked about much, but it was know. But bisexuality or pansexuality (or even a shifting sexuality) wasn't something I heard about. Even in this age where we have some sexual freedom and discussion, it isn't discussed. In the last year that I came here, it has been a revelation of "wow, just like me" which has pacified me quite a bit. These aren't unearthly desires but something natural and something that I understand better. Before I would masturbate and hide in guilt later. Now I have that release and enjoy it afterward. It's a big change that I feel I couldn't have got to without this place.

I was very glad to see that you decided not to cheat on you wife.