Confessions of a bi cheat

[mkaii]

I have come here, not looking for absolution, but for advice of how to be myself. I am married and my wife knows I am Bi. She found out rather than me telling her. I cannot and will not excuse my actions but I will explain them.

After our first year of marriage, the sex stopped, for all intents and purposes. Since then, it has been sex once or twice a year, if I am lucky. As I said before, this does not excuse my actions, only explains them.

I am a military brat who joined the military. Though I always knew I was bisexual, it was buried deep. I did not tell anyone about my hidden self. Even though DADT was repealed, I am smart enough to stay in the closet. One does not throw away 20 years of a career for that.

My wife asked me why I never told her. How can I explain that I never told anyone. I grew up arOund that homophobic atmosphere, those attitudes do not change just because a law was repealed. Perhaps, after I retire, I can come out of this closet, but for now I have to think of the welfare of my family and the future of my career.

I am a bottom, and after I was found out, my wife has used that against me. I guess because of the hurt I caused her. She will make some snide comment about me vetting fucked in the ass usually during an argument. I am not sure how to handle it when she says that. What she says is true, but there is no need to rub my face in it.

Currently, I am seeing a therapist but she is associated with the military and I will not tell her about my sexual preference.

My only source of advice is from you all.

Thanks for caring enough to listen. Your advise is appreciated.

[tenni]

Hi
Well, your story at least the part about the lack of sex in your marriage is something that I've heard many times before. Your relationship is not working for you and communication is probably at fault. You seem to have a lot of concern and fear about disclosing your sexuality due to the military. You are out of the closet now to both yourself and your wife but I suspect that the communication is in need of some help. You seem to feel shame for being a bottom and your wife is using this against you. Could you consider some form of marriage counselling with your wife?

It seems like you are between a rock and a hard place or you are using certain aspects not to move forward. You do not mention love when referring to your wife. Do you love her still? It seems that you may not be able to afford marriage counselling with someone not connected to the military. I feel your dilemma but I don't know enough about your military to comment more constructively. Hopefully, others will have some better advice.

[Long Duck Dong]

hi mkaii and welcome to bisexual,com

say 5 hail marys and 3 our lords for absolution...lol....

seriously tho, lets sit down and look at the whole situation and see what can help you, your wife, your marriage and make things better for the future for you both......

the sex ended in the marriage after the first year..... that is something that you have not shared much about and that could be something that could be worked on medically and / or with counselling if your wife is open to that..... sometimes it can be issues that are not that hard to fix or resolve and it may well be affecting your wife deep inside... that is something where a supportive, patient and understanding husband becomes a real asset to the wife.....

the part that I really want to talk about is where your wife asked why you never told her about your bisexuality... and that is something that you could talk about with her and really change things around to a very positive aspect.... and you do this by saying to her that you knew what you was, how you felt, what you thought etc... but expressing that to another person was not as easy to talk about, so its been a secret from everybody.... and part of why you have never opened up, is fear of the way people may react and more importantly, fear that your partner may walk away from you and you would lose somebody that you love so much......

you could try saying to her that you are sorry for the past but you have no idea how to fix the present so that the pain of your past doesn't become the promise of your future...( that is something a very wise friend once told me ) and that you would like to share with her about your own past and your bisexuality so that she understands better, why things happened the way they did......

something tells me that the throwing the fact you are a bottom, in your face during a argument, is not just a way of gaining the upper hand in a argument, it is also appearing to me as if shes frustrated and angry at herself and her own issues as well... and shes not so much blaming you as venting at you .....
part of the way that you can weaken her using that as a weapon, is to explain why bottoming is so enjoyable for a guy.... google things like prostrate massaging and use them as a way of weakening her stance... it may not be 100% correct for you but it can explain in her eyes that there is more to the situation than just anal sex with guys..... the prostrate massaging helps with some intense orgasms....

counselling and therapy for you and the wife can work, but honestly, its a dual level thing.... her own *asexual nature * ( the lack of interest in sex ) and your need to learn how to communication........ the other aspect of therapist with the military related therapist is something you were not clear about, as to what it was for, and being ex military myself, there are some things that the military get therapy for, that do not need to be public knowledge in a forum, so reveal at your own discretion....

so mkaii, its more about trying to change the present to fix the future for you and your wife....and hoping that the future is going to be brighter, but it may take baby steps, one small step at a time as you both work thru and heal from the past....

[mkaii]

First off, thank you both for your replies.

For my wife's asexuality, I do not know the cause of it. From my point of view, it seems to me she does not like sex. I do not understand how that can be. I have a high sex drive, she does not.

I agree, I think she is angry at herself but for what I cannot say.

I do love my wife, and tell her so often.

I have been working with the counselor on how to break down some of her barriers. Hopefully there will be goo news to report here soon.

Thanks for the support, advice and thoughts.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok lets see if I can help you * see * into your wifes mind a lil so that way things may make better sense and that way it gives you a few bargaining chips that you can use to counter balance her own *spear * that she uses during your arguments....

the most common reasons for a loss of sexual drive and interest in females, is hormonal changes or sexual abuse at a young age.... followed by lack of sexual satisfaction and fulfillment... and while having children can indirectly cause issues in ladies with the hormones and so can ladies personal issues.... a lack of interest in sex can also be some known as anogasmia or the inability to orgasm and its more common in ladies than males.... so its worth actually seeing if counselling and medical help is a option that your wife may be interested in exploring....

I ID as a asexual natured bisexual, it simply means that I lack a sex drive and its something that can be remedied with some meds, tho at this stage I have no interest in following that path as my partner is not living with me and one of the side effects of the meds can be a hyper sex drive..lol, but I retain a very strong emotional attraction to both genders and that is why I am careful about whom I am around.... I can be and have been very sexually active in the past.. so I can retain to people that have no sexual interest or desire in the same way I can relate to peoples sexual interests and urges.....

with your wife being angry, that is something that may require a very intuitive person as women can be very quiet about their issues and concerns and often unless they are in the frame of mind to talk or with a person that they are ok talking with, they will sit and stew over things for months if not years....

now a trick to the ladies is that you can tell them that you love them until you turn blue like a smurf, but words are not always the key to a ladies heart, sometimes its the simplest lil things that you can do, that make them melt into your arms and feel so loved and desired... and it can be simple things like a massage, a candle lit bubble bath, even a night together with soft music, a glass or two of wine and a lil honest and open conversation.....
one of the guys I knew in the NZ army had issues with his wife being upset and angry a lot... and it actually took him admitting that he was getting frustrated and angry with the way things were going in the army and how he really wanted to be able to have their own home to share together before the flood gates opened in his wife and she admitted that she felt like she was just a army wife standing beside her man and keeping a army house clean but she had no real value herself or anything to call her own.....

part of the reasoning for focusing on your wife in this thread, is to give you some inroads into * breaking thru the barriers * so that your wife becomes more than just a mother / housewife / army wife and that has the flow on effect in regards to your own bisexuality issues.... as having a partner to talk with and be open with, is definitely something that is of real value to people.... my own partner is a heterosexual lady, open and understanding of my own sexuality and while shes not telling me that shes fine with everything, shes perfection in a partner for me and cos of her issues with some things, it helps me to remain respectful of her opinions, feelings and thoughts rather than become so wrapped up in my own world that I forget I have a partner lol....

so a couple of things that you can try talking with your wife about, is her concerns about you being in the army and how its affecting the family.... and its very possible that she may say there are not issues... but its very possible there are and she doesn't want to be seen as a naggy old bag, she wants to be seen as a wife, partner and lover that is struggling a lil with issues...
there can also be the living on the knife edge aspect of never knowing what tomorrow brings, will you be home or overseas etc....and the thing with that is that you may not be on a list for deployment overseas but that doesn't mean that you are safe on your home turf either.....
one of the other things is that a wife can sometimes feel like they married a husband and the army and that they are the second * wife * in the marriage cos the army has become the first wife......

one bit of advice about the counsellor, there is a limit to what can be done and said without talking to your wife as well.... and that is why counselling often can work best if a counsellor talks with you both at the same time and also in individual sessions as well.... and that takes some trust by the partners as they are trusting the counsellor to retain a high level of confidentiality and privacy in regards to what is said to them by each partner seperately...... however in your case, are you talking to your wife about what you talk to the counsellor about..... cos if your wife knows you are talking to a counsellor about the marriage, it can be like a slap in the face for your wife... it would be like talking to all your friends about your marriage and the issues but not your own wife.....

[dick_pumper]

When I read this I was thinking "When did I write this?" Because outside of the Military aspect I am going through the same situation with my wife. I will say she doesn't know of my tendency's but she has found some gay porn on the computer and has made some comments on it. We had a huge fight about a month ago and I said I was done with living in a sexless marriage and that I was going to go look for sex elsewhere and we could stay roommates. I didn't say it most likely would be a guy but not discounting a woman. She said she would change but I told her it's probably a little to late to suddenly want to be all lovey dovey. I guess she thought that if she lost desire for sex that I wouldn't mind?????? I am guilty of not speaking up sooner and letting it fester in my guts for years then when it did come out I threw 4 years at her. I hope to get counseling for myself and am not really concerned about her anymore. I plan to make some adjustments and leave her when I can. We have both lost our jobs after 10 and 9 years due to the last 4 lack luster years, and we are both involved with trying out new skills. Once I am established I plan to make a permanent change but in the meantime I have met a guy and hope to get together and develop a fwb situation. I hope you can get counseling outside of military influence and your wife should to. Mine finally went to her doctor to see why she had no desire for sex after I harped at her to go get checked and today she tells me she spoke to the doctor about a mammogram and forgot to find out what the hormone test results indicated. This is the shit that makes me so mad. We don't have sex, our marriage is on the rocks, I am ready to start sleeping with guys and yet, it's not important enough to remember to ask your doctor about a test you went for to save the marriage. If she doesn't care, why should I? I hope you fare better.

[DiamondDog]

I would separate from your wife or get a divorce.

[mkaii]

Separation or divorce are out of the question. Though we have had essentially a sexless marriage, there was a period, right after a deployment, in which we had sex one a week. That lasted about a month and a half, until she got pregnant. Once she knew she was pregnant, the sex stopped again.

Our kids do not need to pay the penalty for the inability for their parents to get along.

Perhaps, when my daughter is 18, I will consider divorce. Until then, it will be a miserable life. My kids are worth it though.

[DuckiesDarling]

I'm a bit confused, you keep mentioning kids as in plural then mentioning daughter being 18 before you can do anything....

I get that divorce may not be in the cards right now but neither is the one sided counseling. It sounds like a lot of what is going on is something with your wife and that won't be resolved unless she is also going to counseling.

You titled your thread confessions of a bi cheat then go on to say that your wife found out rather than you telling her. Ummm sorry but a lot of her reaction may be in HOW she found out. Did she walk in on you in bed with a male or did she find something you posted or wrote. That could be a big reason why she is so angry and hurt it's a double blow. You cheated and you cheated with a man. As for the no sex after she got pregnant, was it a particularly hard pregnancy, did something shift with her hormones. Is she suffering from a long term post partum depression? You are seeing a counselor that you can't tell exactly what is going on so it might be best if you seek a counselor outside the military spectrum.

I wish you both the best of luck, but until there is a lot of communication without accusations and joint counseling where you both discuss the multitude of issues, I don't see a happy ending.

[csrakate]

Separation or divorce are out of the question. Though we have had essentially a sexless marriage, there was a period, right after a deployment, in which we had sex one a week. That lasted about a month and a half, until she got pregnant. Once she knew she was pregnant, the sex stopped again.

Our kids do not need to pay the penalty for the inability for their parents to get along.

Perhaps, when my daughter is 18, I will consider divorce. Until then, it will be a miserable life. My kids are worth it though.

If you consider your life to be miserable if you remain in this marriage, you are not doing your kids a favor by staying together. Bringing your kids up in a house that is devoid of love and harmony can be more harmful than you may realize.

[The Young Pretender]

If you consider your life to be miserable if you remain in this marriage, you are not doing your kids a favor by staying together. Bringing your kids up in a house that is devoid of love and harmony can be more harmful than you may realize.


Agreed. Kids get their first impression of relationships from their parents. It's better for the kids to be exposed to two people living a contented/happy/fulfilling single life than two people trapped in a loveless, resentful, and betrayed ruin of a marriage.

[mkaii]

I'm a bit confused, you keep mentioning kids as in plural then mentioning daughter being 18 before you can do anything....

I get that divorce may not be in the cards right now but neither is the one sided counseling. It sounds like a lot of what is going on is something with your wife and that won't be resolved unless she is also going to counseling.

You titled your thread confessions of a bi cheat then go on to say that your wife found out rather than you telling her. Ummm sorry but a lot of her reaction may be in HOW she found out. Did she walk in on you in bed with a male or did she find something you posted or wrote. That could be a big reason why she is so angry and hurt it's a double blow. You cheated and you cheated with a man. As for the no sex after she got pregnant, was it a particularly hard pregnancy, did something shift with her hormones. Is she suffering from a long term post partum depression? You are seeing a counselor that you can't tell exactly what is going on so it might be best if you seek a counselor outside the military spectrum.

I wish you both the best of luck, but until there is a lot of communication without accusations and joint counseling where you both discuss the multitude of issues, I don't see a happy ending.

I did say kids because we have a 16 year old as well.

When I titled this "Confessions", I did not want there to be any confusion. I cheated, it was wrong. As to how she found out, she found something I wrote.

Our daughter is three now. The lack of intimacy started in May of '04. One of the things she says really bothers her about me is my inability to remember things. I wish I could chalk it up to old age but it is not. I have always had pretty bad short term memory.

I agree, one sided counseling will not work. I have some other issues I have to work out as well. It is my hope to bring my wife into the counseling as well. When I told her I was going to counseling she flat out said she would not participate. I have a suspicion of something happening to her when she was younger which she has not told me about. It is the only thing I can think of.

I realize, I too am part of the problem. My not telling her about my sexuality was wrong. I should have been open with her about it. I was not and now it is time to try to repair the trust I shattered.

[Polar Bear]

Maybe there is something wrong in another part of your marriage. Maybe there is too much emphasis on sex and not enough emphasis on the rest of your marriage. Dissolving a marriage just because of the lack of sex seems to be a thinly veiled excuse to end it. Many people enter marriage with a normal sex life but run into circumstances where sex is no longer possible or desired. Those circumstances may be beyond their control. As a couple you work through these circumstances. I am currently working through medical circumstances that all but ended my sex life. I have a loving understanding wife who understands the issues I face. We face them together. We are working through them slowly but surely. This shouldn't be a marriage for the sake of the kids, it should be for the sake of your marriage. Save your marriage and find your happiness in each other. :2cents:

[BiBedBud]

......

One of the things she says really bothers her about me is my inability to remember things. I wish I could chalk it up to old age but it is not. I have always had pretty bad short term memory.
..........


Maybe you've got a thyroid issue. Some thyroid gland imbalances can manifest memory problems. Many thyroid issues are easilly/cheaply treated. You should complain to your doctor about your memory, and ask to have your thyroid checked. It could be, all you need is some iodine or B-vitamin supplements, to improve your memory.

Until then, eat at least 2-3 tins of *fatty* fish (sardines, kippers, mackerel, herring.... less-so, wild salmon, even-less-so, farmed salmon), PER WEEK. At the same time, do everything you can to cut your consumption of refined sugar and the processed foods that contain it (particularly pops, sodas, juices). Your memory problems may also be a sign of a pre-diabetic condition. Fats from dairy foods, and fats from beef in particular, are also bad for the brain.

Taking an "Omega 3-6-9" fish oil supplement would also be a good idea.

ALSO: Pay more attention!!!!

Hope that helps.

[welickit]

You started a good thread here and we hope others in the same situation will learn from it. We have had a number of friends go through this and it can be a total disaster or a new beginning. We won't mention the circumstances of those who parted ways. That has little to offer. We will however offer a seed for thought.

You got off to a somewhat bad start this time around. For just a moment stop to think about "what if we could agree to start over?" There is nothing stopping you from renewing your vows and having a new beginning. A new start that is based on openness and honesty. That isn't a suggestion, it is a seed for thought.

[mkaii]

You started a good thread here and we hope others in the same situation will learn from it. We have had a number of friends go through this and it can be a total disaster or a new beginning. We won't mention the circumstances of those who parted ways. That has little to offer. We will however offer a seed for thought.

You got off to a somewhat bad start this time around. For just a moment stop to think about "what if we could agree to start over?" There is nothing stopping you from renewing your vows and having a new beginning. A new start that is based on openness and honesty. That isn't a suggestion, it is a seed for thought.

That is a helluva idea, thank you. I will give it a shot and hope it works.

[Gearbox]

Before you go off skipping amongst the tulips and renewing your vowes, consider what is actualy 'truthfull' about them. Are you realy honest to God happy with sex 1-2 times a year for the rest of your marriage?
If that will make you a happy hubby/daddy, then go for it. If you have any doubts about it now though, they will only get bigger and more obvious further down the line. So consider your future self and try getting a sense of how things will be, before you swear to anything right now.
Good luck.