No Sexual Attraction in a Relationship--Stay or Go

[sdf123]

If you were in a relationship where there was no sexual attraction, but nothing else (for the most part) was wrong with your partner, would you stay or go? Is sexual attraction THAT important to where you would throw away everything else that makes the relationship???? Thoughts please....and thank you Bi Fam...

[tenni]

It would depend upon a few factors. If it was a new relationship, I would leave unless I saw a possibility to improve my sexual attraction. If it was a relationship that had once held my sexual attraction, I would linger and weigh other factors. It would depend upon our age and how long the relationship had existed. It might depend on whether I had developed a sexual attraction to someone else and how strong my attraction was to that person. Was my partner open to me being in a sexual relationship with this new person might be another factor.

[blugirl789]

go. if you are not sexually matched, resentment will grow towards your partner. this will lead to anger and potentially lashing out. you risk destroying the relationship and friendship in either situation. how do you think they feel being with someone that isn't sexually attracted to them? this person can have the opportunity to find another person that would be sexually attracted to them. don't let the fear of being alone reign in a decision to stay. it's not fair to either of you.

[Nedsome]

I stayed, 40 years ago I met the love of my life. She was, is and probably will always be emotionally and sexually “unfeeling”. At the time I felt sorry for her, she was withdrawn, alone, maybe a long childhood trauma, she had no one in her life that cared, she was just going through the motions of everyday life. I was a runaway from home, I had no one, a free spirit, sadden but determined to make the most out of life, I just decided one day to include her, I didn’t have anything better to do with my life, we both needed someone, she never said yes to marrying me, I did it anyway. It has been really tough at times, I need the touch, the look, the sounds, the feel of love. I’m the emotional one, the flowers, the candy, the imposable phone calls from remote parts of the world to let her know that I care and love her, the lack of feelings returned hurt so much, these are the times in this he-man’s life that I cry. Does she “love” me, no doubt about it, if I walk in at 02:00 AM from the cold flight line hot food is on the table with a smile, our home is clean, our kids doing great, I never have to ask for anything except for a hug, a kiss and I always have to say “I love you” first. I have never been denied sex although it has always been “duty”, I know where and when both of our kids were conceived, she is almost the perfect mother, the grown kids have always felt the same “pain” as I but they understand the way she is. About 15 years ago I decided not to pursue sex with her, “duty” wasn’t right, after years I realized that this effected her deeply, I finally “confessed” that I was “gay” all those years and the fact that nothing had changed in our life during that time. Did I do the right thing for both of us all those years ago???? DAM RIGHT I DID!!!! Recently I ask her if she would marry me again, she said yes with actual tears in her eyes. The other morning I left for work, I intentionally didn’t say “I love you” as I always do, pretended to have issues with the motorcycle, she actually called me at work to tell me she loved me and that she was sorry, thought I was upset with her, we both cried. I love her with all my heart, I know in her own way she loves me and I know that she always will, we will grow old together and share life’s hardships and goodness until the end. Most of my pain all these years is not seeing and understanding the pain behind her beautiful eyes and in the wonderful soul that is my wife, she is very special inside, I wish I had more wisdom earlier, I'm still glad and very happy for both of us with what I did do…. This is my story, I don’t recommend this way of life for everyone, take from my story that which you need for thought, this was the “short” version.

[fredtyg]

It would depend how long the relationship had existed. I don't know that I'd even think of a long term relationship if I was in my 20s and met some gal that I either wasn't interested in sexually or she wasn't interested in sex.

After being married close to 30 years I've lost sexual interest in my wife. Fortunately, she's not interested in sex, either. I'm not going to leave her after all those years just because of no sexual interest. I may look elsewhere for sex, but I have no plans on leaving her.

[ErosUrge]

There are a lot of thoughtful responses to your situation. All I can add is that if I were in your situation, I know I couldn't stay. Unless I knew there was some way to repair everything. But if one has lost the attraction, that's a difficult obstacle to get past and usually it doesn't happen. Tenni brought out many different factors that I too relate very strongly to and agree with. But if the attraction is truly lost, you probably know this for sure within yourself and know whether it has a chance of returning or not.

[Something Else]

I stayed, 40 years ago I met the love of my life. She was, is and probably will always be emotionally and sexually “unfeeling”. At the time I felt sorry for her, she was withdrawn, alone, maybe a long childhood trauma, she had no one in her life that cared, she was just going through the motions of everyday life. I was a runaway from home, I had no one, a free spirit, sadden but determined to make the most out of life, I just decided one day to include her, I didn’t have anything better to do with my life, we both needed someone, she never said yes to marrying me, I did it anyway. It has been really tough at times, I need the touch, the look, the sounds, the feel of love. I’m the emotional one, the flowers, the candy, the imposable phone calls from remote parts of the world to let her know that I care and love her, the lack of feelings returned hurt so much, these are the times in this he-man’s life that I cry. Does she “love” me, no doubt about it, if I walk in at 02:00 AM from the cold flight line hot food is on the table with a smile, our home is clean, our kids doing great, I never have to ask for anything except for a hug, a kiss and I always have to say “I love you” first. I have never been denied sex although it has always been “duty”, I know where and when both of our kids were conceived, she is almost the perfect mother, the grown kids have always felt the same “pain” as I but they understand the way she is. About 15 years ago I decided not to pursue sex with her, “duty” wasn’t right, after years I realized that this effected her deeply, I finally “confessed” that I was “gay” all those years and the fact that nothing had changed in our life during that time. Did I do the right thing for both of us all those years ago???? DAM RIGHT I DID!!!! Recently I ask her if she would marry me again, she said yes with actual tears in her eyes. The other morning I left for work, I intentionally didn’t say “I love you” as I always do, pretended to have issues with the motorcycle, she actually called me at work to tell me she loved me and that she was sorry, thought I was upset with her, we both cried. I love her with all my heart, I know in her own way she loves me and I know that she always will, we will grow old together and share life’s hardships and goodness until the end. Most of my pain all these years is not seeing and understanding the pain behind her beautiful eyes and in the wonderful soul that is my wife, she is very special inside, I wish I had more wisdom earlier, I'm still glad and very happy for both of us with what I did do…. This is my story, I don’t recommend this way of life for everyone, take from my story that which you need for thought, this was the “short” version.

That was an enormous heartfelt share there man. I could feel the emotions expressed in your story. Thanks for sharing man.

[zigzig]

It depends on your situation. I would advise you to get some time separate from your partner to understand what you feel. Maybe the passion has been lost? Maybe you are together because of habit? It happens after long years together. One of my friends had a situation that she was dating a guy for 3 years, she was attracted to him, but didn't wanted to be married or have kids with him, even though the guy wanted to get married and have many kids with her. It ended that she split up with him, went to UK and fell in love with a guy from Czech Republik and they have a beautiful baby boy.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Well Babygirl. Sex isnt everything. (Yess, I know. Sacriledge for Me to say) But intimacy is Very important in any relationship. If you cant/dont have this, then you have to figure out whats missing, and do whats best for you....
Hugs on whatever you do.:}
Muahs!
Cat (Mama)

[subbottom55]

Was married for 9 years we were happy, but faking it isn't easy for a man. I tried everything to keep my mind into sex in progress. I couldn't keep it up as often as she wanted, which was everyday. I blame myself for not understanding all that is involved in marriage, It was my first, and her 4th. We are divorced now and both much happier. In my opinion if you can't give your partner your heart, mind, and body fully then you are hurting them more than they deserve. If you truly care about them they will be better off with someone who is sexually excited about being with them.

[Nedsome]

That was an enormous heartfelt share there man. I could feel the emotions expressed in your story. Thanks for sharing man.
Thanks man, I really appreciate your comment and feelings.