Difficulties with being openly bisexual

[SeekingSimilar24]

It might just be the area I live in or maybe I haven't found a good way to introduce myself to people, but being openly bisexual kind of sucks most of the time. Right now I am feeling kind of down because I have been dating this woman for almost 6 months now, but I feel like I want to be with a guy (mostly) as well. I am polyamorous and enjoy the company of couples, but they are exceedingly difficult to meet and most bisexual guys in the area are either well past their 40's or closeted... and I don't want to deal with that (cheating/sneaking). I feel as though at 29, having been out since I was 21, I am well past that phase in my life and want to pursue something more meaningful with my partners. Issue is, the pond is extremely shallow.

I have been reading a lot of books on relationship management with open relationships but for some reason I feel like they just miss providing advice I can use. I don't want to cruise for sex, I want to experience life with people...

Something so easy just seems so hard to find in this "community".

My relationship with my girlfriend is going well, and I feel a little ashamed by wanting to be involved with other people, but that is what I feel I need in order to be comfortable in my own life... I would think this is common, but I have no idea. Which is why I am posting on this forum, to get feedback or a sense that I am not alone in these things being a problem. I might be just bitching, but I feel like I don't really have anyone I can talk to around me.

[Realist]

You're not alone! Many of us live in areas that are not kind, or tolerant, of the gay/bi population. Only a few friends/lovers have ever known I was bisexual. It's easy to say that I should come out and be done with it, but when your very life could be in danger, it makes it more difficult to follow that advice!

As a life-long bisexual, I have chosen to inform some of my most trusted friends and all lovers with my sexual persuasion. At the same time, those who I feel have no need, or desire to know, haven't a clue. It's worked for me, but I realize that others feel and do differently. I've only lived in two locations where I could be open and honest about my bisexuality and it was a rare and freeing environment. Sadly, we can't all live where we would most like to.

I would think a gay/bisexual person should know the attitudes of their community and, if you and/or your family might be at risk, discretion is the better part of valor! Of course, secrecy cuts your chances of meeting someone, especially if you're less relationship oriented and wanting to play the field. I've been exceedingly lucky and have experienced some of my most fulfilling relationships, while remaining covertly camouflaged.

You've found a good place to discuss your issues and maybe even meet someone special. I did, only a few weeks after joining this site!

[zigzig]

This site is good for people like you to get advice from the same people.
I can admit I also felt ashamed of wanting another woman, while being in a relationship, but now I passed that stage, because realized that I can't change the way I am.
You can probably meet other bisexual people through internet, like even dating sites, because on those sites people use nicknames, and feel more free, because they can be anonymous.

[tenni]

Seeking similar.
I like your honesty. :) I empathize with your plight and I will tell you that you are not alone. This feeling of shame for wanting to be with others is an interesting phenomena. We are not rewarded for thinking this way. Having a good relationship but wanting more. It is unclear whether you are referring to wanting a guy or just another person(female) for the polyside of yourself. Wanting to experience life with others and not just cruise for sex seems to be a very healthy approach to life from my perspective. I hope the moralist monogamists leave you alone.

Which books did you find the most interesting?

[Gearbox]

The chances of you finding a bi male who is under 40, polyamourous, open, single or has a partner that is ok with him forming a relationship with you (and your gf?) is pretty damn slim. That's IF he is emotionally attracted to males, and IF he'd be attracted to you and you to him.
Your not asking too much. Just asking for what's not that common in any particular area.

You might get lucky advertising for a relationship on a hookup site, as that's where you'll find most bi males. You could cut the timewasters down by searching for those who advertise the same as you.
Not much help there sorry.

[SeekingSimilar24]

Thank you for the comments. I just get a sense that it is hard to really communicate with my friends because they just don't see eye to eye. They don't have to, but it leaves me feeling a little distant. I didn't think too much about the safety idea, because around here, it really isn't an issue. My parents and others have suggested I not really tell anyone, but I have. I don't yell it out as I enter a room or bring it up at the water cooler, but people who get to know me eventually find out one way or another anyways.


Seeking similar.
I like your honesty. :) I empathize with your plight and I will tell you that you are not alone. This feeling of shame for wanting to be with others is an interesting phenomena. We are not rewarded for thinking this way. Having a good relationship but wanting more. It is unclear whether you are referring to wanting a guy or just another person(female) for the polyside of yourself. Wanting to experience life with others and not just cruise for sex seems to be a very healthy approach to life from my perspective. I hope the moralist monogamists leave you alone.

Which books did you find the most interesting?

Recently I made it through all of "The Ethical Slut", which I had a hard time getting through the first time I tried to read it by recommendation... found it to be helpful but not really for the reasons I think the book was intended. I read "Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either". Insightful and helped me explain things a little clearer to my girlfriend. I have read a lot of blogs and articles about bisexuality over the years, but still feel like most authors are not targeting me. I know what can go wrong in a sexual situation with more than one person, with more than a single partner, and how to communicate these things to my partners... I am more than experienced in all these things, but I feel like wanting to move away from focusing on the sex part of my sexuality and more into relating to people and creating a family... there isn't much advice out there.

[DiamondDog]

Keep looking. We bisexual men and women are out there. Yes there are a lot of bisexual men who can fall in love with men, and who want or are capable of having a relationship with a man.

It sounds as though you are trying way too hard. Instead I would just meet new people, and live your life and eventually you'll find someone who you're compatible with but you might have already found her already? Good luck.

[Bi_Druid]

Well, we do exist, in as much as I'm an under 40 bisexual and polyamorous male myself. And I know other polyamorous men and women who also happen to be bisexual and under 40. I know many some who are over 40 too.
Many of these people I have mostly been fortunate enough to meet via bisexual and polyamory community groups, and then via events such as BiFests, BiCon, and Poly Day. Alas all of these events and groups I've had experience with are based over here in the UK, but I'm sure with a bit of research and ask around you'll hopefully be able to find similar such events and groups your side of the pond.

Websites like this and also OKCupid are also rather good I've found, for helping you find like minded people. The match system on OKCupid is very good at pointing you in the right direction for people you're looking for. Many of my close matches are people I already knew before joining the site :)

[SeekingSimilar24]

@Gearbox - Not totally impossible, but harder than expected. They don't have to be single, I am willing to be involved with a man, woman, trans-gendered person or a couple as well.

@DiamondDog - Yeah, I might be trying too hard to make things happen. I was thinking about it, and it might have a bit to do with location, but also how I conduct my life... I run into bi persons from time to time, I guess I haven't really felt comfortable expressing a want for a poly relationship in the past, or have been guilt tripped into abandoning it. Now that I want to be in one, I might be trying to rush things.

@Bi_druid - I have been on and off OkC for years. It works, just on rare occasions... typically after leaving for months and coming back, that is how I met my current gf BTW on OkC, she rushed to meet me and turns out we had a ton in common. She is straight, but found that my honesty was a virtue and still does.

[dafydd]

. Instead I would just meet new people, and live your life and eventually you'll find someone who you're compatible with

I hear that phrase used all the time by kind and thoughtful people (sorry to just pounce on ur quote DD), but for me it's bitter sweet: such aching, cold comfort when you're seriously needing to find that partner to share ur life happily and honestly with.
One phase of 'eventually you'll find someone who you're compatible with' lasted for me, a decade. 10years of let downs after fuck-ups after damp squibs; with that line ringing in my ears at first like the hope of church bells, in the end like tinintis.
I can't volunteer anything in its place though. I mean, truth is, some people go through their whole lives without ever finding their soulmate, perhaps very well liked, or greatly respected, but when its all over they die, unloved. One doesn't say that kind of truth to cheer people up (except if their realists and nihilsits maybe) .
Sucks to be single sometimes, like war without end.

[SeekingSimilar24]

@dafydd - I know what you mean, but I have been focusing more on just making me happy, less interest in making others happy or trying to control the situation, which is something I didn't realize I was doing most of the time. Lately things are looking up, yes, I lament over the difficulties and the strange state of where I live, but overall, I am still finding ways to keep myself feeling "right". I might just be preaching though.

[debramacintosh]

I think its harder for me and other people to be bisexual its confusing when your growing up. At 49 Im in my first proper lesbian relationship. My family and friends say they accept it but dont understand it. My girlfriends mother is christian and wants her to find a man and my 23 year old daughter is still tring to get her head round it. Im 49yr female and my girlfriend is 26yr we have been together for 6 months.

[Lisa (va)]

You do have someone around you that you can talk to,it's your g/f. She was there for you in Sept when you had a relatinship with man, I don't see how that should change. I'm not really sure why things are suppose to always be easy, some things are harder than others. But things just seem to work out, simply by being friendly with others, that will increase your odds of you finding what you want.

Lisa