Need advice: Emotionally attracted to men, sexually to women

[Wailanarose]

Hi all, I am brand new to this site, and super desperate for answers. I would really appreciate some compassionate feedback from like minded people. So here's my problem.


I am emotionally attracted and somewhat sexually attracted to men, but very attracted to women. I was married for 5 years to a man who was not very attractive to me, and our sex life was awful because of that. We both knew I was dealing with lesbian feelings, but didn't really know how I could do anything about it without hurting him. I thought that if I had sex with a man I was very attracted to then it would be better, so I left the marriage (for more reasons than just the sex) and did end up with a man who was much more feminine in appearance and personality, and who was so attractive to me I wanted to do nothing but touch him and make love constantly, which we did for a few months and then I guess the newness and excitement wore off and I started having problems getting pleasure from sex. So obviously there is something going on here.


Now, I had realized that I was attracted to women since right before I got married, but ignored it, because I was Christian and knew THAT would never work out, but eventually realized this is not something that I can turn off. I've had sexual fantasies about females since I was in like 6th grade.


I'm sick of ruining relationships with men I love and care about because I'm not sexually fulfilled by them! But I can't seem to stop being attracted to men and wanting to get romantically attached! And I have no idea how to even find a woman to have sex with, because I'm so used to being romantically attracted to men! I want to be with a woman but I think only sexually. Could these contrasting wants and needs ever work out in the life of a woman that is afraid of being labeled a lesbian (especially by her Christian family.)???




So basically, if you got through that long general explanation, what are your stories and experiences. Any happy, healthy people out there living a successfully contradictory life? Please share and thank you ever so much for your time!
Aloha!

[Noboundaries]

Wailanarose, from your post it appears you've never had a sexual experience with a woman. You have experience with men that leaves you eventually unsatisfied. Use the wonder of the internet, on this site or other bisexual or lesbian sites, to find a woman with whom you feel an attraction and compatiblity. Be very honest, undramatic, and positive in your profile. The Universe has a beautiful way of opening the doors we each need to find our fulfillment, doors that reside in the reality where Christian judgement and condemnation do not exist as long as you are discrete. Once you've experienced a woman sexually, you'll know better where your desire lives, with women, men, or both. Having the experience though will take it out of the perfect world of your fantasies and desires and put it in the real world of experience that you can use to grow, change, or embrace. That's the easy part.

The more difficult part will be the struggle you have with your Christian foundation. That struggle, whether Christian or merely spiritual, is unique to each of us and there is no easy answer. The experiences you have and the desires you find fulfilled may be in direct conflict with published Christian doctrine. Anyone who has ever been there with the desires within you too eventually finds themselves facing extremely difficult choices. Personally, the choices I made in that area, utilizing decades of study and introspection, helped me realize the difference between religion and faith. I left religion, embraced my spirituality, and now understand the true meaning of unconditional love.

[ckman314]

As a man I'm the exact opposite (sexually to men emotionally to woman) in my opinion there is no room for religion in this lifestyle its too conflicting and what I mean by that is go with your heart and feelings and don't let religion dictate who you are life is short, be happy. I think you should try a relationship with a woman next and see if your emotional side can grow. Stop hurting others and more importantly stop hurting yourself

[fredtyg]

Not sure if you could have the best of both worlds but maybe. I would think the important thing would be to tell whatever guy you might be interested in exactly what you told us here. It would be tough, but maybe you can find a guy with similar feelings to yours? Someone who is interested in females emotionally, but more interested in guys sexually.

That's the way I am. I suspect one problem with that idea is it wasn't until my mid to late 40s that I centered my sexual attention on men. That might be the case for a lot of guys, but I can't say for sure. That might be a problem if you're looking for younger guys.

[Realist]

Welcome to the site, Wailanarose...you've come to the right place!

I'll bet some of the ladies, here, can help you.....better than the guys can. There's some brilliant female members here, who may understand exactly what you feel.

I'm not saying that the men can't help, as many of them feel the same differences between genders, but usually women have different perceptions and outlooks on life, love, and sex.

Good luck!

[Brian]

This is a very common form of bisexuality - to have different kinds of attraction to different genders. And it is tough for those of us who are not attached, because it means explaining it to people you are just starting relationships with, or keeping it a secret for longer than your honesty/moral instincts tell you too. It is tough - if it helps though, there are MANY on this site in similar situations. I think being open and honest early on with the people you care about is very helpful. It can be very scary and difficult, but I think in the long run it is best. I hope those meager words help at least a little bit.

- Drew :paw:

[Jobelorocks]

I can relate because I am a practicing Catholic bisexual woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to men and only sexually attracted to women. It is very possible to be religious and be true to your sexual inclinations. You should check out the documentary "Fish Out of Water" (it is available on Netflix instaque if you have that), and there are denominations out there that are accepting of the LGBTQ community. (I know my denomination isn't, but then again I really don't think a bunch of old virgins really should be the ones who make the calls on sexuality. lol.)

That aside, it is always hard to deal with family and issues like this. My family is Evangelical Fundementalist and they sure wouldn't take to kindly to my sexuality. It is up to you whether or not you want to come out to your family or not. I do suggest before you go into a full fledged relationship with a woman, you should at least try to have sexual experiences with women and try to see if you are even romantically compatible with them. To find women you can try swing sites (we use swinglifestyle.com and adultfriendfinder.com), posting an add on craigslist (if you want it to be just a sexual encounter you should put it under casual encounters), and you can even try on here too.

Maybe you can even find a man who would be open to a open relationship or a swinging relationship. That way you can have the romantic relationship with him (since it seems like you are only sexually attracted to men) and both of you can satisfy any sexual needs with other people. Something like this may work for you. This works for many people. So you can have your cake and eat it too so to speak. Hope this has helped. Feel free to pm me if you wish.

[Wailanarose]

Wow, thank you noboundaries so much for the wise words of guidance. I think the encouragement I've already found on this site and admitting it openly, even though it's just online, is going to motivate me to stop pushing these issues away and freakin' DO something about it already! Thank you so much!

[zigzig]

I hope you find the relationship model with a partner, who can be understanding, because straight people usually can't understand your sexual feelings entirely. About religion I advise to believe in it in a spiritual way, not strictly, because that can conflict with your sexuality.
Good luck!

[Noboundaries]

Wow, thank you noboundaries so much for the wise words of guidance. I think the encouragement I've already found on this site and admitting it openly, even though it's just online, is going to motivate me to stop pushing these issues away and freakin' DO something about it already! Thank you so much!

You are very welcomed my Dear. Just be sure to keep us posted on your personal discoveries. We each walk our own path, but they parallel and intersect in so many ways. We can always learn from and encourage each other.

Enjoy the search for your first softer, smoother partner (my wife is always amazed how different women feel than men), and don't focus too much on the destination. It will arrive exactly when you are ready. Cherish the smiles along the way.