I just found out that my boyfriend of 18months and best friend of 2years is bisexual

[Coco22]

I am a straight 22 year old girl and my boyfriend shocked me yesterday by telling me that he is in fact, bisexual. Now I am supportive, I didn't over react, sure I was shocked but this man has been holding back telling me something for a while and was more relieved that he wasn't cheating on me!

Last night, he told me that he has been fantasizing about men and giving/receiving oral with the same sex. This shocked me as he is very masculine (I apologise for perhaps coming across stereotypical) and a little bit homophobic. I now realise maybe this was just denial and his dad/brother are a little homophobic! He also told me that he has masterbated to transexual ladies. He is very open minded when it comes to sex, and will try anything once! He told me that he could never be attracted emotionally and physically to a male, he has always pictured being with a woman and he only likes the fantasy side of being with a man. He said that he isn't sure if he is bisexual or bi-curious or just open minded! I myself have given oral to a girl when i was experimenting (I was a lot younger) and am comfortable with saying that I am a straight woman! But he says he has been in that situation with a man and would like to again WITH me and he says he wishes he didn't feel this way. He told me that he could never develop a relationship with a male and is entirely sex related but I am so confused.

Is he definitely bisexual? Or is this just an open-minded guy that is up for anything?
I also hate to say this but I don't want to fulfill his fantasy, I love him too much to share! I only wish I was just as confident as he is when it comes to trying anything but my gut tells me I will not enjoy it.

How do I support him if I cannot fullfill his fantasies? I understand that sex is important and I don't want to get in the way of his sexuality (?) and any possible parterns he may be compatible with. I honestly love him and my world would fall apart without him, the last thing I want to do is split up. I just don't feel like I am very exciting in the bedroom compared to what goes on in his mind.

ALSO - I know he definitely likes women because I have found his porn stash many times and he was my best friend first. Let me tell you, he definitely likes the ladies haha so this was obviously a shock to me. I am new to all of this so hopefully I get some good feedback from you all, thanks so much for reading this long essay if you even bothered! Sorry it is so long!

Thanks so much, Coco

[Coco22]

P (http://www.,l)lease try to avoid answers which involve leaving him, I am supportive of him just not willing to share. I wish perhaps I could, but to me this isn't a possibility.

[hasty1]

Hi Coco - it's early days (very early days) Firstly give yourself some time to absorb this information, don't pressure yourself, or him at the moment. You'll likely go through many stages in the next few days, weeks, months.... you get the idea? My partner presented himself in a similar way to yours, and for some time (years) I assumed that I was preventing him from expressing some passionately held desire, which cause me anguish but also insecurity. I loved him dearly, supported him fully but couldn't make the leap to doing what we'd talked about (and agreed to do which was threesomes, it was early in our relationship and it seemed much less threatening then) Through much talking recently I've discovered it's not as I thought, for him it seems to be a more exploratory,purely physical and light hearted thing, and one that he can wait for. But we had to talk about it, I had to get comfortable with it and as he said at the time, I had to understand and want what I would get from participating. I'm now looking forward to the day when it happens, we hope to find someone that we both like and can see more than once, a sort of friend with benefits for the both of us. My partner seems to be devoid of jealousy (I wish I could be so noble!) and has stated that he wouldn't have a problem with me seeing our FWB alone, which for various reasons might be good thing for us both. Now, when he suggested this last summer I was horrified, but I've changed my thinking dramatically. I didn't instantly know what I would and wouldn't do, it's a journey.
I would suggest that you talk more, which of course you will, try and find out the things that you need to know, which you already know some of. For me when my partner explained that his by/gay side was between 10/20% of his sexual make up the fear massively subsided. I think things are definitely skewed by porn though, he gets all the female he can handle with me, so porn becomes gay porn and becomes his fantasy life. If you decide to take the journey with him make sure that you both do the talking that you need to, and that everyone in the situation gets something from it. Don't forget that if you were to ever share him then he is also sharing you.

Take your time, get over the shock and see how far you're willing to explore with him. I would remind you that it won't go away even if it seems to at times, best of luck to you both. You're in the right place, asking the right questions

[tenni]

Coco
Welcome!


I commend you for being sensitive that some of your thoughts may be homophobic. They may also be biphobic which is quite different. Since you have sexually experimented and decided that you are heterosexual, you may indeed be more sensitive to his position. Male bisexuality is condemned more than female bisexuality in society and that may in part be why you are struggling inside yourself. It was probably very difficult for him to disclose his sexuality especially if shame has been laid on him by his homophobic family.


The way that he describes his sexual interests with another man is fairly common for some bisexuals but there seems to be not just one type of bisexual other than attraction to both genders. ( No emotional attraction, sexual interest in men but perhaps wanting a threesome with you and another man, interest in transwomen(probably pre op).) Other bisexuals are both sexually and emotionally attracted to both genders. Is he bisexual? More than likely he is. Is being bisexual any different than being sexually open? Not really imo. In fact being sexually open may be more daring than many bisexuals. He may be a pansexual if he is sexually aroused by pre op transwomen.


How do you support him if you can not fulfill his fantasies? Communicate with him on going. You do not have to become involved in his fantasies to support him depending upon what he is wanting and what you are comforable with. Through talking over a long period you may want to establish certain boundary rules for both of you though.


Lastly, keep in your mind that many bisexuals experience fluidity to their sexuality. The strength of attraction may very well vary over time.


I commend you also for really wanting to stay with him.


You seem like a great lady! Best of luck. Encourage him to come to this site or other bisexuals sites to help him clarify his mind and feel “normal”.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Uhmm, its ok that You tried oral with a lady before, but its Not ok for him to explore his sexuality to find out if he really is Bi or not? Kinda selfish, dont you think? How is he ever going to know if he's really Bi, or just Bi-curious if he doesnt try it a couple of times to find out??
Good luck to you both.
Cat

[2bi2Bboring]

Coco,
I am going to tell you some hard truths in this post, they aren't said to be mean or to hurt your feelings but instead to be real and honest. I have seen several of these kinds of posts here lately and it is both disturbing and comforting to me. Disturbing because I feel badly for the people trapped in these cookie cutter relationships where being different is not acceptable. And comforting because my own relationship is one of total trust and acceptance. In my estimation, you are selling yourself and your man short. As I said before, I am not saying this to be mean, but to cut away the pretense of normality. We all grow up with an idea of how our lives are supposed to be, rarely does that preconcieved notion actually become a reality in total. In my own life I spent 11 yrs in a life where acceptance and trust was a luxury, my ex- was not accepting, not open, and stuck in a way of thinking about sexuality that was in the end the downfall of our marriage. In my second attempt at marital bliss, I have been far more successful. My wife and I came out to each other immediately after we met, we are both bisexual, and we have now been together for 13 yrs. We have all the normal problems couples have, except when it comes to sex. Our relationship is trusting and nurturing, we have total acceptance of each other sexually and have promised to make sure that no matter what, we walk away together. Acceptance is not something you can pick and choose about a person, you can't say oh well I like and can accept THIS, but this, is unacceptable. You either do or you don't. He hasn't cheated on you, thats a breach of trust, instead he's done quite the opposite and trusted YOU to accept him and his desires. I would make a prediction here, that if you don't accept his sexuality and find a way to help him indulge it, you will be revisiting this subject at some point in your relationship under much less desirable circumstances.

It pains me, seriously to think of where this might lead the two of you in the future. If you marry, and have kids and are invested to the hilt in your relationship as most are years down the road. What are you going to do when he comes to you and says, "I have had an affair with a man"? He would be completely justified in saying, " I told you so", and your bubble of denial will have burst in a big way. The crux of the matter is either you can deal with it now or you can deal with it later in a much more detrimental way.

In short here, your prejudice is standing in the way of a better relationship. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. You said not to include answers that had anything to do with breaking up, but you also don't seem to be open to acceptance of him as he really is. THAT is denial, plain and simple, he cannot be expected to put away these feelings in a box and deny they exist. That will bring about a future that will only bring the two of you heartache, pain, and drama that could entirely be avoided. Sexuality is fluid, and varies greatly throught a persons life. There may be times where he is perfectly happy to be firmly within the confines of heterosexual behavior, and then others where he swings quite in the opposite direction. The same may be for you as well, you may be set feeling you're straight NOW, but in 20 years, you have no idea how you will feel. Now I can tell you this for sure, no matter how you feel about you, if this subject EVER comes up in an argument, and you say horrible things to him about his sexuality, you have driven the first nail in the coffin of your relationship. After that it is only a matter of time before it will end. Emotional flagellation is the death nell of a relationship. I have experienced it myself, it is emotional abuse and is unforgivable. He cannot help what he feels, and if you put him in the postion of being the emotional/sexual whipping boy you can bank on it being over soon after.

You have done the right thing by coming and asking advice, but you have prefaced it by saying you can't accept sharing him. Well first off, you are not really sharing him, certainly not in the way that counts most, emotionally. The sexual dynamic of an event that involves 3 people is usually much more geared toward the two that are together not one being left out. You two can make this whatever you want. It will take communication, acceptance and understanding for the two of you to go forward. But, if you listen and not dictate, if you accept and not control, if you grow instead of seek to conform, then you will find your relationship will be far MORE than it was before this. This will take growth on both of your parts to get beyond, your attitude will largely determine the success of it. It will be stand by him and accept him wholly or watch it spiral into the ground at some point yet to be deternmined. These feelings are STRONG, they don't go away just because someone wants you to deny them. Making him do so will set a path of sexual repression in both your lives and you can kiss a healthy sex life goodbye. He told you this because he trusts you and wants you to help him accept himself and for you to accept him as well. I understand that your motivation is driven by FEAR of the unknown, but this is a pool of water that you will have to trust is deep enough to dive into without harm. You can handle this, but you must trust that us in the reassurance that he water is safe and warm.

I have been bisexual for 17 years, 13 married to my wife, and happy with our sex lives. We have had long term "friends with benefits" type relationships since the beginning. You need to examine your fear and come to an answer as to what it consist of. In our world today 68% of men cheat, 55% of women cheat on their relationship as well. In the 13 yrs of mine, I have had sex with many partners other than my wife but I have NEVER cheated outside the boundaries of my relationship. We have 100% trust and 100% disclosure in our relationship, that is not a boast but a fact. That is something few monogamous, heterosexual marriages can even remotely say. I have met many wonderul people on this site, many caught, trapped in a relationship where their spouse knows nothing of their real sexual feelings. That, in my estimation is a trajedy of epic proportions. One might as well take the blocks they've stacked together to build a life and toss them in the air to land willy-nilly on the ground in chaos. It is a sham and a trajedy to live in fear. This is a personhood issue, one that stikes to the very core of a persons being, they can no more deny their own sexuality as they could the color of their eyes or skin.

The end game here is that your relationship changed the moment he told you, and YOU have to adapt too. Either you adapt or you need to let him go and be who he really is. If you don't, you were probably never in love with HIM, but the idea of him. That is common, people often want to change their mate into something they aren't. This isn't something you can deny exists or require him to repress. I have lived that nightmare, it is like a splinter in your mind you can't get rid of or remove but by one means, expression. It can become an obsession if you make him deny it, or it can be the best gift you ever gave him if you indulge it. My intent was to be frank and not to sound bitter or hurtful, reality is required here. There isn't a way to pad this or make it less of a jolt, that would be a disservice to you both. But I can say this with 100% assurance, having lived both ways, I personally would rather put a gun in my mouth than go back to living the other way. I am what I am, to borrow a cliche', and I would be nothing else. I hope I haven't offended you, that was not my intent. Rather, I hope that being real has broken the ice and will bring about real, open discussion between the two of you that will foster trust and nurturing and acceptance of your situation. Good luck and keep us posted on the results, we DO care how this turns out for you.

BTW, you should read this as well I found it in another post on this subject on this site.
http://www.salon.com/2013/02/19/coming_out_to_my_wife/

[hasty1]

Good grief, I know I'm new here, and only the straight partner of a bisexual man, but give the girl a break! She found out the heterosexual relationship she was having with her heterosexual boyfriend isn't quite what she thought it was 24 hours ago. She's 22 and her post sounds considered and mature and accepting. She doesn't 'have' to do anything she's not comfortable with. She didn't want to change him, but he changed all by himself. It's the equivalent of (for example) 2bi2boring's partner telling him that she wasn't in fact bi and wanted to change the sexual life that they currently lead. The reality is if she wants to stay in this relationship then they, as a couple, will have to find their own answers. There's no one size fits all approach to this I think. I'm betting that the person who posted the original post is open minded enough to see it through.

[Gearbox]

I have to echo Hasty's post again (I'm not a stalker, honest!lol).@2bi2boring- You forget that your present wife is bi, and that makes a HUGE difference when it comes to being understood IMO.Poor Coco (although experimented) doesn't have a clue at the mo, and has all the usual fears, preconceptions & insecurities most monosexuals seem to get when faced with a honest bi partner jumping out at them. Many come here to see if bisexuality actually exsists and their partners are not gays in denial. So kudos to her there.I agree with everything you say, but the girls got to sleep at night.lol

[CurEUs_Male]

CoCo,
Welcome to the site, and a new exciting world. Since you called him your best friend, take a moment to step back, look at this as if you had a close friend that was coming to you outside the relationship - would you be supportive? Suggest he explore these feelings? I see him coming to you as the one person he can trust with this knowledge. This is a HUGE step for him. He probably has not found a good supportive resource to figure out what he needs to do next. His coming to you is major.... but you know that.
You stated you experimented "a lot younger", Considering you are 22, that can't be that long ago. I'm not picking on your age, but I've been married 22 years, only discovered my bisexuality about 8 years ago... What you experimented with, and obviously decided it was not for you, is great. He needs the same opportunities, and there is no age limit. As his closest intimate friend it gives you the chance to open new doors with him.
There are so many options to explore. I've joined a support group to make mixed orientation marriages work, and there are monogamous couples, couples with one or both sides of the relationship open, and some that share the same sex playtime. There are so many options you will be surprised what you find. I say just keep your open mind, and see what you are comfortable with, and what you are not. Keep the communication wide open, make sure he remains comfortable saying what he is thinking and feeling, and in return be honest with your comfort level without being negative. Since it is a two person relationship, you both need to be comfortable with anything you try, but you both need to be open to each other as well.

Marriage is no longer simply one man and one woman, with no other emotional of physical experiences. It hasn't been for a very long time, and hidden by so many along the way. Hiding things causes hurt eventually. Take a look at your options. There are many books you can read to look into options, there are websites you can join which meet a number of alternatives to the old ideal of a relationship. I suggest you pick up a copy of "Opening Up".

Enjoy the ride.

Al

[bityme]

I am a straight 22 year old girl and my boyfriend shocked me yesterday by telling me that he is in fact, bisexual. Now I am supportive, I didn't over react, sure I was shocked but this man has been holding back telling me something for a while and was more relieved that he wasn't cheating on me!

Last night, he told me that he has been fantasizing about men and giving/receiving oral with the same sex. . . . I myself have given oral to a girl when i was experimenting (I was a lot younger) and am comfortable with saying that I am a straight woman! But he says he has been in that situation with a man and would like to again WITH me and he says he wishes he didn't feel this way. . . .

Is he definitely bisexual? Or is this just an open-minded guy that is up for anything?
I also hate to say this but I don't want to fulfill his fantasy, I love him too much to share! I only wish I was just as confident as he is when it comes to trying anything but my gut tells me I will not enjoy it.

How do I support him if I cannot fullfill his fantasies? I understand that sex is important and I don't want to get in the way of his sexuality (?) and any possible parterns he may be compatible with. I honestly love him and my world would fall apart without him, the last thing I want to do is split up. I just don't feel like I am very exciting in the bedroom compared to what goes on in his mind.

ALSO - I know he definitely likes women because I have found his porn stash many times and he was my best friend first. Let me tell you, he definitely likes the ladies haha so this was obviously a shock to me. I am new to all of this so hopefully I get some good feedback from you all, thanks so much for reading this long essay if you even bothered! Sorry it is so long!

Thanks so much, Coco

P (http://www.,l)lease try to avoid answers which involve leaving him, I am supportive of him just not willing to share. I wish perhaps I could, but to me this isn't a possibility.


Coco,

I guess between hasty & tenni and 2bi2Bboring, you have gotten two ends of the spectrum. Cherokee mentions your own experimentation.

Your words strike me a little differently than the others. It appears to me that you are willing to let him have experiences with "compatible partners" but you don't want to participate in his activities with other men (share). Is my understanding correct? If it is, then a few of the other posters may have misread your message.

If my interpretation is correct and you continue with open and honest communication between you, that should be a wonderful start. The two of you having your joint sex life and his satisfying his additional needs outside of your relationship. Of course, that type of agreement always has the possibility of having problems because it has a great tendency to raise questions. (Is he being safe? Are they more important than me?, etc.) You will have to learn to completely accept the information he gives you about his encounters.

Reasonably speaking, if he has these experiences apart from you, you will be "sharing" him just as much. if not more than your participating with him. After all, you would be looking at him getting more sex than you do; him getting more excitement and adventure. You will have to be ready to confront and overcome those feelings.

If you are participating, the difference is that you can see and hear what took place. You will be there to observe anything which might create a problem in your relationship (emotional attachment) and take steps to counter it. You can participate in ways that deepen your relationship, like looking deep into each other's eyes, holding hands, and cuddling as you join to suck and lick the extra cock.

Whatever you decide, leave the possibility of change open.

Good Luck,

Pappy

[elian]

Good grief guys, she says that she wants to be supportive.

Coco, this is a somewhat personal question but you asked about how you could fulfill his desires.. Do you think the idea of using toys on him would appeal to you? It's just a thought. Do you have any inclination to actually see two guys together or do you think that would just make you jealous or upset if it was him? As other people has said you will make the determination of what you can both accept together. He is apparently learning just as much as you are as you try to deal with this together.

I don't know how close the bond is between the two of you but there is a good chance that he still wants you in his life as much as he always has. I've had some interesting experiences sexually, but there are some people I will always love - and there is a difference between the two.

The other posters touched on a lot of good topics already.

[wifekinky4husband]

Coco, this is a somewhat personal question but you asked about how you could fulfill his desires.. Do you think the idea of using toys on him would appeal to you? It's just a thought. Do you have any inclination to actually see two guys together or do you think that would just make you jealous or upset if it was him? As other people has said you will make the determination of what you can both accept together. He is apparently learning just as much as you are as you try to deal with this together.

I was wondering the exact same things. I would recommend using toys with and on him, strap on sex sounds like it would be a good attempt as well as cum play. I have been doing this with my husband for years and I get off on it tremendously. It is part of what keeps me mentally aroused when I am physically not needing sex. I love to think about my husband getting F ed by toys, eating cum, riding a wall toy, doing himself anally with fingers or anal beads. It has become a wonderful source or erotica for me and make certain that my husband gets all the sex he can handle and more. You might find the same for yourself. Over time I have found myself leaning towards crazier things like encouraging my man to explore even further. As for sharing him, I get that, but for me it would be more, "Here let me spread you while I watch up close, this person slide their ... into your ..." As it stands now I love to direct it my husband to do things, so why not that as well. You can always approach it from that vantage. But definitely play with him as mentioned above and see how you enjoy that. It has open me up to a world of visual and masturbatory fun.

[Neils]

How do I support him if I cannot fullfill his fantasies? I understand that sex is important and I don't want to get in the way of his sexuality (?) and any possible parterns he may be compatible with. I honestly love him and my world would fall apart without him, the last thing I want to do is split up. I just don't feel like I am very exciting in the bedroom compared to what goes on in his mind.

ALSO - I know he definitely likes women because I have found his porn stash many times and he was my best friend first. Let me tell you, he definitely likes the ladies haha so this was obviously a shock to me. I am new to all of this so hopefully I get some good feedback from you all, thanks so much for reading this long essay if you even bothered! Sorry it is so long!

Thanks so much, Coco

@Coco, the fact that he was able to share his interest with you shows how much he trusts and confides in you. that is a big deal!!

I'm gonna throw some ideas at you, hope they help or at least spur some creative thinking that works for both of you;)

I liked @wifekinky4husband's suggestion about roleplay and toys (pegging) as an alternative, but I saw no mention of anal interest in your post, only oral. You could strap it on and roleplay a shemale for him to blow... would that weird you out, or excite you?

And...how do *you* feel about gay sex? Does watching gay porn make you uncomfortable, or turn you on or something in the middle? If you don't know, now's a good time to find out. :) If it doesn't bother you, maybe there's a compromise where the two of you get in some sexytime at home while watching some gay porn. You get him all to yourself, he's getting sexed up with you and getting his gay BJ fantasy fix at the same time.

You should definitely tell him how you feel about wanting him for yourself asap, but if either of my suggestions works for you, then in the same chat, offer him one of them on the menu next sexytime session as a compromise and see how that flies.

Cheers!

[hasty1]

I've just checked and Coco hasn't been here since the day she joined and posted this thread. I hope she got what she needed here.

[zigzig]

Hope so too. It is not easy to discuss these kind of situations with friends, who are probably straight

[Bishyguy1958]

I've just checked and Coco hasn't been here since the day she joined and posted this thread. I hope she got what she needed here.

Is it me, or does this happen A LOT on this site? There are a lot of threads I've read just like this one.

Are these real people who saw the advice they needed, or just trolls?

[hasty1]

I suspect that she was real but got scared off by some of the replies. I'm not too far ahead on my own journey of acceptance with my partner and know exactly how she feels. Some of the things that jumped out at me were
'kinda selfish, don't you think'
'The end game here is that your relationship changed the moment he told you, and YOU have to adapt too. Either you adapt or you need to let him go and be who he really is. If you don't, you were probably never in love with HIM'

These comments, and others, really jumped out at me because they might have been aimed at me, and I know I would have reacted badly when I was in the early days of my acceptance. Understanding and acceptance for me has only come through calmly talking things through with him, understanding how it was for him and fighting my fears. It's not a switch you can flick on. Something major about your relationship has changed, you feel overwhelmed and need time to come to terms with it before you know how you really feel and how you can really support. There's very little, in fact no real support for the partners of bisexual men on the internet. When I searched this and another site was the closest thing I could find, but it's not really a place for partners who are in the early stages of understanding and accepting but who are feeling fragile and vulnerable themselves.

I don't think she sounded like a troll, I'm sure a troll would have managed to come up with a far juicier scenario, but we'll never know, tis the nature of the internet.

[BiJoe696]

Lots of good comments here, only thing I learned that works for me, a Bi male, is to let your partner know early on if a relationship is going to develop. It makes things so much easier in the long run. I know this is of no help to you but others may find it helpful. If you cannot be open and honest with the one you are going to spend time with, live with and perhaps more, you perhaps should look for someone you can be open and honest with in the long run.
IMHO :bipride::flag1::flag3::flag2::grouphug::flag4::bi pride::soapbox:

[dick_pumper]

I recently met a woman online (I am married), and we were talking and I told her that I like men as well as women. Well I think so. I had some oral experiences before High School and an ex-girlfriend showed me how good anal can be (She used a dildo on me), so since my wife and I are not sexually compatible I am looking outside the marriage. She is fine with sex once a year and I want it 3 times a week. So I told this woman that I want to be with males as well as her and she told me one of her fantasies is to be able to direct her man as they share a cock and as she helps aim it to his anus. She said she would want to know the guy I was with or at least knowing I was safe in picking a partner. I told her that it is women who I want to be in romantic love with and with men it is just sex, so she is very accepting of this. Makes me wonder why I haven't told my wife to pack her shit and get out yet? Oh yeah, that's cause my dream come true and I haven't met, and God knows I don't want to tell the wife to F off and find this is another Mante Teo situation.

[wifekinky4husband]

I recently met a woman online (I am married), and we were talking and I told her that I like men as well as women. Well I think so. I had some oral experiences before High School and an ex-girlfriend showed me how good anal can be (She used a dildo on me), so since my wife and I are not sexually compatible I am looking outside the marriage. She is fine with sex once a year and I want it 3 times a week. So I told this woman that I want to be with males as well as her and she told me one of her fantasies is to be able to direct her man as they share a cock and as she helps aim it to his anus. She said she would want to know the guy I was with or at least knowing I was safe in picking a partner. I told her that it is women who I want to be in romantic love with and with men it is just sex, so she is very accepting of this. Makes me wonder why I haven't told my wife to pack her shit and get out yet? Oh yeah, that's cause my dream come true and I haven't met, and God knows I don't want to tell the wife to F off and find this is another Mante Teo situation.If this new lady is for real she sounds like it could be me. I have only recently found that there are other ladies out there like myself who desire the things you wrote about. Is there no way to introduce more sex play with your wife? Perhaps she needs some crazy sex spark to light her fires. I know that if I am having an off week all my husband has to do is tell me he is about to mb himself silly for a few hours and that I am not invited. I perk up rather quickly wanting to know what all is going on???in there???