Looking for advice on how to talk to loved one

[jmccoy]

I found this site while looking for advice, and so I joined to see if I could get some feedback.
My wife and I are both straight, but we have no real hangups about sexual preferences. We have always kept an open dialog with our children about feelings, etc, and now our son has come to us and told us that he thinks he might be bisexual. We gave him the talk about safe sex, regardless of who he is with, and he has said that he has not had sex with anyone yet (whew) but he is dealing with feelings of arousal when around other males, and he is not sure what to do these feelings.
I myself recall during my puberty, having feelings of arousal all the time, which I explained to him was normal. He says that it seems to be more than that, that he has started having erections when he sees another boy naked (after showering for gym, sports, etc) and he says that he finds that he needs to masturbate to "cool off" after seeing other naked males and so is concerned. He is worried about the stigma, and says he really "wants to be straight" but is questioning if these feelings are just part of who he is. We do not really subscribe to either side of the nurture vs nature theories, and I am looking for some advice on how to talk with him further about this.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
Trying to be a helpful dad here.

[hasty1]

Hi Jim

I'm afraid I don't have any experience to share of talking to a bi-curious child, however I do have a bisexual parter and I'm also the mother of 2 grown up children who I'm very close to and open with so I've tried to imagine how I would tackle the conversation. Firstly though, congratulations on being the sort of parents who he felt safe to tell. Difficult as it must be for him, his relationship with you is strong enough for him to consider this now and hopefully save him from years of self doubt.

So, for me the conversation would go something like this

Me - Ok, so you know I love you and nothing will change that?
Him - Doh! I know that!
Me - You know that your sexuality may not be set yet, you may have to explore somehow? Not necessarily in a physical sense, but it's important that as you mature and start serious relationships that you know who you are and don't leave any questions to be answered later.
Him - But I don't want to be bisexual, I want to be straight
Me - Do you really think that you get to choose? You may be straight, this may be a phase, but unless you have a little look you won't know.
Him - but the stigma....
Me - if you are bisexual then you are as 'out' as you want to be, it's a personal choice. Look, when people look at porn a lot they have to find images that arouse them, the longer they're doing it the more extreme it can become, it doesn't mean that they really want to do those things in real life, it's part of imagination. You're going through a period of high arousal anyway, it may be something, it may be nothing, but you need to stop being afraid of the stigma and be true to yourself. Whoever that person turns out to be sexually won't make any difference to those that love you. If you know who who are then when you meet the person that you want to spend a long time in a relationship with you can give yourself freely, without secrets and without having to figure things out later.
Him - So you think I should experiment?
Me - I think you should not be afraid of the thought process and see where it takes you, if you want to experiment then experiment, if you don't then don't. I'll be here for you to talk things through if that's what you want.

That's as far as I've got, these are the things I'd want to say to my kids, hope it helps a bit.

[tenni]

You seem like a very loving dad. Good for you. You haven’t said how old your son is. If he is 14 yr old that is different than being 17 , 18 or 20 as far as how to deal with his awakening sexuality.


There is much more conversation about sexuality and exploring it. I think that you are wise to suggest that he be careful. Feeling sexually aroused by other naked young men doesn’t 100% mean that he is bisexual or gay. I agree with you that hormones are most powerful in our teens. He is going to explore his sexuality with other young men if he is comfortable. Make sure that he knows that you love him and hold no stigma against him. That gives him a basis of love and security to bounce his “dates” reaction.


Most non heteros would prefer that they were hetero at the beginning. Developing a positive attitude towards his sexual attraction will help him. At this point, your post doesn’t indicate whether he thinks that he is attracted to both guys and girls or not. There is the organization PFLAG for parents of GLB children. That may help you if he is gay. I know that they will probably say that it will help if he is also attracted to girls too.


Best of fortune. I think that you seem to be a super dad. He’s fortunate.

[Gearbox]

He's a VERY lucky son! I'd explain that he didn't get to chose what/who gave him those erections and that is how it's going to be for the rest of his life. Same goes for us all. He may lose interest in males, or females or neither. Dealing with the stigma of LGBT is far easier if he has somebody in the same situation to talk to, and realising that he's far from alone IMO.

[elian]

First of all, the fact that you are both supportive of your son is awesome, growing up I felt that I could talk to my parents about a lot of things but I feared that they would hate me if I told them I liked boys..right away your son has an advantage because he knows that you love him no matter what.

Gay teens like boys about as much as straight teens like girls so getting rid of those erections is going to be hard to do. Bisexuals can like either sex to varying degrees and the attraction can be either romantic/emotional or sexual. When I was in junior high and full of hormones I literally had fantasies involving the entire locker room. (blushes) I'm afraid that the only thing that helped that was growing older by a few years and masturbation. Back then I think it was more for stress relief than anything else.

In our gym class they never really gave us enough time to shower anyway and typically did not work us hard enough to seriously need one either but there was one guy who always took a shower, and he always stood right in the middle shower pole in plain view of one row of the lockers. Years later after graduating we found out that he was gay, Of course *I* didn't mind looking, I think the other teens were busy enough that they didn't really care much.

One time one of the guys put his hand over my mouth and pretended to kiss me in full view of everyone by the lockers. I loved the attention but it took me completely by surprise and I just sat there dumbfounded. To be honest I think high school was hell for everybody. ALL of the boys are trying to figure out how to deal with hormones. Bbeing a teen is about fitting in as much as it is about being different so nobody ever said anything as long as attention was not being directed toward them.

I guess he could deal with erections the same way that other men do, for example Austin Powers likes to think of "Margaret Thatcher nekkid on a cold day" It's certainly not every one, but I would be surprised if there weren't others in the shower that had the same problem. Whether they actually turn out to like same or different sex is anyone's guess.

I wish I had an opportunity to watch this movie when I was growing up. I never received this sort of education in elementary school, or high school - or college..

http://archive.org/details/parent_to_child_about_sex

..amazing that it was in the 60's, and endorsed by two ministers..

it doesn't deal with same sex - but this does..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9woWAs2i5Ps

Some schools have a gay/straight alliance for students - of course it is up to your son to decide if he really wants to come out publicly or not.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teau7ubQTNM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX1zfwhtDhU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX1zfwhtDhU)
(this last link takes a few liberties with who they are calling LGBT)

[jmccoy]

Thanks for the replies. There is a lot of really good support here in these replies. Tenni, you hit it right on. He is 13, and that is very different than 17, 18, etc. There are many kids his age that are very out as gay and bisexual already, and I know that he is seeing the problems that they go through in school.
Hasty, some of the things you would like to say, we have said, over and over. I think every parent would want to say these things, especially the part about nothing changing how much you love them. I am very relieved to see that others would have similar conversations. We always think we are going to do it or say it wrong when we are parents.
Gearbox, you are right, I think he really needs to talk to others in the same situation. Tenni, thanks for telling me about PFLAG, and Elian, thanks for the links. I will watch those with my wife. I am glad I found this site, even though I myself am not bisexual. These fast and wonderful replies are very helpful.

[Realist]

You're the Real McCoy, as far as Dad's go!

Somehow, I think your son will be just fine.

[tenni]

jm
A couple of things that PFLAG may not tell you about bisexuality.

First, is that sexual attraction to genders may be fluid and swing back and forth if he is bisexual. A bisexual may be attracted to same gender and then after awhile have no interest switching back to opposite gender. The same with opposite gender attraction. Especially, at the beginning of awakening, it may be very fluid and change quickly. At 13, I think that it may be wise to wait before disclosing to too many people. I just don't know.

If he is Gay he may not experience the same fludity aspect but he might be confused for awhile. Your support and love hopefully helps him.

I'm not sure that encouraging sexual exploration is a good idea at 13 but he will try it on his own if he feels accepted by you and wants to. He is very young. Openness in discussing sexuality in younger people is ...not surprising but amazing to read. Then as you pointed out to him and most of the guys here know at 13 and 14 boners are so common for no "good" reason. He may be mistaking the erection with naked boys when it just is the way his body is developing.

Some bisexuals do have emotional attachment to same gender but others do not. Has he had a "crush" on a girl or boy? He is too young to come on to this site but maybe drew or someone will tell you about a site for young bisexuals under 18?

[hasty1]

Hi again, I wrote my previous reply without realising his age and of course actual experimentation wouldn't be advisable at the moment, although it wouldn't be unheard of. I've read many posts where people have cited they were having sexual activity in their early teens, but it seems your son has his head screwed on and has come to the right people for advice. They grow up so fast nowadays! I can't imagine I was thinking about my sexuality at 13, but that was a long time ago and the world was a different place it seems.