What should i do about her ??

[Confusedguy31]

Hi all!

I'm a 31-year-old-bi guy, more one the gay side, considering arousal. I have never had something lasting either with a female or male although i've been on and off with males for 5 years now, whereas with females only a couple of unsuccessful casual encounters where i could get it up by oral stimulation.

I'd like to have your opinion on what follows:

Three days ago, my sister -in- law introduced me a [female] colleague of hers. I kind of liked her - surely not love at first sight - and want to meet up with her again, in the hope that something lasting might happen.

Now the point is that - as implied in the first line above - I've been suffering by a [maybe unreasonable ] performance anxiety, which has kept me away from girls. This also somehow instilling in me fear of them. In this, i'm also afraid that she might tell, in the future, my sister-in-law about my erectile dysfunction / sexuality issue etc... [In this regard, i haven't opened up to any of my family members because my society doesn't approve of bisexual/gay feelings or practicing. ]

I feel it's time for me to settle, and i'm positive i'm not prepared to do that with a male because with them, it's basically just sex.
Should i continue seeing her? Do you think this [unreasonable?] performance anxiety will go away, as we get closer to each other? (The point is that i don't want to let her down either, sexually speaking, in the future.)

Any advice is highly valued, and thank you for your time.

[Gearbox]

You could try putting all the preasure aside while you just date her. Don't go viewing her as your only hope to settle down and raise a family, OR as a risk of embarrassment. Get to know her, let her (if you can) get to know you. She may not want the same as you. Quit preasuring yourself and your erectile prob will stop.As for men only wanting sex, that's not always true. You could settle down with a man if that's what you'd prefer. Never say "Never!".

[Confusedguy31]

Hey...Thanks for your reply, and opinion.. You're right in saying "Never say never!" but for now, at least, i don't find that to be the right option for me...

[zigzig]

When I started to date my fiancee, he had same issue, because he was single for years and only masturbated. I was patient and later he stopped having that issue. If your potential girlfriend is patient and understanding, then she will help you to loose performance anxiety.

Good luck!

[ExSailor]

Are you actually dating and trying to sleep with this woman or do you just want to date her? I would find someone else and you seem to be putting way too much pressure on yourself to do this. Yes you should be honest with whoever you wind up with a woman or a man, and tell them about your sexuality before you settle down or start a relationship.

[elian]

I can understand one of the worst experiences is when you have deep feelings for a person emotionally but are not sexually aroused by them.

When I date now I try not to have any preconcieved notions of what things "ought to be like" - that way it is hard to be disappointed, even if you don't find a deep connection at least you will have a meal with a good friend.

I agree that you should try just dating each other a few times. Try to put the thought of sex out of your mind for the first few dates - treat her as a loving friend and get to know her, try to enjoy each other's company.

Maybe you will grow to like each other?

Is the thought of having a true, genuine friend worth the potential embarrassment? I've had several different experiences, many of them never worked out the way I thought but I always thought that caring for the other person was something worthwhile.

Hopefully your new friend is open minded.

[tenni]

If you find her attractive, I'd ask her out. I suspect that there are not too many guys who find a woman attractive is NOT wondering "AM I GOING TO GET LAID TONIGHT?"... ;)

At 31, your ED issues are more likely anxiety based. You don't need to tell her too much at the beginning few dates and certainly not about your bisexuality if she is friends with your sister in law. It seems that you are not that experienced with the ladies. You're not alone and even guys bragging are sometimes/often bullshitting...although by 31 most guys are facing reality better. Get to know here a bit...make some moves but when appropriate let her know that "its been awhile" and you may be "rusty" :)

Even the rule about coming across by date 3 doesn't have to be "hard" and "firm" (I'm bad..) (kid'n)

As others have said, try to relax and not put performance pressure on to yourself. It will work for you. Oh, ya...don't wank before the date. Have fun!

[lucky.cucky]

Dear Confusedguy31,

You really said the solution to your problem yourself in your initial post:
Three days ago, my sister -in- law introduced me a [female] colleague of hers. I kind of liked her - surely not love at first sight - and want to meet up with her again, in the hope that something lasting might happen.

So for now, for starters, you might want to look to her as a friend...or a developing friendship. At best you may find her to be a wonderful, sharing, and loving partner. At worst, you may find her to be a good friend, just a buddy, if you will. So why not try to relax, and see where it goes? You said, "I kind of liked her", you can share that with her. It is a compliment we all like to hear, that someone likes us. Don't get too mushy and scare her away. Just keep in light and friendly. Perhaps something like, "Hey, You're ok, I like you" may do?

I sincerely wish you good luck with this my Bi friend. One last thought, The fact that after several years with mostly men, this woman you "liked her" may very well be a strong indicator on some unseen level. In my humble opinion, you should definitely explore this more. If nothing else, mention it to your sister on a light note. There are a lot of good things to be said for having women in ones life also. :bigrin:

Sincerely,

Lucky.Cucky

[Confusedguy31]

Thank you all for your comments...

In reply to ExSailor:

I'm first trying to date her...What do you exactly mean by "I would find someone else..." ?? You're right in saying that i should open to my date (s) about my sexuality, as that would some kind of relief for me as well, but in my country doing that with a girl virtually means standing no chance with her..

[elian]

I used to be very unhappy and spent a lot of time trying to decide if I could be happier "gay" or "straight". I thought I had to choose but I was afraid of marrying a woman only to break up with her because I would be attracted to guys more.

I couldn't understand how I could be so aroused thinking about guys one week - be all about the guys and then watch a porn video of a woman pleasuring herself and feel just as aroused.

Before I found this site I never thought being bisexual was a serious option. After participating on this site for a while I came to realize that it's not just either gay OR straight - there is a whole spectrum of desire - and there ARE people out there who experience those desires who are otherwise normal people. If you think about it, very few things in nature are truly black and white - most of them are shades of grey.

You are right that you may not ever get a person from your country to publicly admit having bisexual thoughts but I would hesitate to say that ALL women will reject you because you are bisexual. How you tell the difference is a question I don't know the answer to - try to find someone who has a liberal view. A woman who is bisexual might understand your desires better.

I AM attracted to certain women, but the ones I am really attracted to are few and far between.

In the meanwhile, having more friends is still better, I would still date this woman if you have a genuine interest in her. Life is short and you won't know what you really want unless you have the experience. If you aren't terribly involved with each other you should still be able to break up if you really have to without exposing your sexuality.

You said that most women expect love and sex - I think that is a fair statement but another important question is what do YOU want out of a relationship? Are you afraid that you wouldn't be sexually atrracted to her?

I guess it's possible. I sometimes feel that way with guys too but typically it isn't because i don't like them, it's just that I am too nervous. Only with experience will you know what you want.

Most of the ladies my folks fixed me up with I dated once or twice and then stopped dating, it wasn't that they weren't nice people - they were very sweet - it's just at that time I didn't know what I really wanted - I was nervous, angry and confused...and again I thought I HAD to choose either/or - but that's not true. In your heart, you can love anyone you want to love.

It took a long time for me to realize that I am adult, I pay my own bills, I have my own place and I no longer have to do things for other people that I think will win their approval. I used to hate myself after being with a man, because I felt so happy, but I knew that sooner or later the happiness would have to end and I would have to go back to hiding. I simply had enough, at 36 years old I could either hide, and continue to live my life the way I thought people wanted me to - or I could be myself and accept who I am - be happy.

I'm still not "out" to everyone, especially people where I work but to a few trusted friends, anonymous boards like this one and in working toward equal rights for LGBT I find some support.

Being "bisexual" is a gift, a painful one to be sure but it truly is. The world is full of people who need love, and I have the capacity to love people for who they are, regardless of what is between their legs. The other thing being bisexual forces you to do is to think with an open mind. It wasn't an easy gift, it is downright painful at times - but it is worthwhile.

You should always remember that no matter what, you are worthy of love and respect the same as any other part of creation. People are not "mistakes" - even though there are challenges, this life is still a gift and you have a lot of potential that you can share with the world. There are people out there who will love you just for being who you really are.

I cannot tell you what to do, I can only tell you a little bit about my own experience. With time you will figure it out, it will be okay.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon. Relax. Go slow and start out as friends; and see where life or loves goes from there. :} Let the friendship build slow and sure and then decide what to do next. Dont be in such a hurry..:}
Good Luck.
Cat