If partner declines

[Meliss]

Dear abby or what ever the newspaper column is called now had an article about a woman who had a bf who asked her to do something to him that she found "icky". The woman said that he was not pressuring her physicallly but he kept asking every so often which was making her feel bad and pressured. The woman columnist did the usual woman type answer that a woman should never feel pressured and the man was insensitive and she should offer to do what he liked second best which was not icky to her. I was wondering what a male might have said to the man had he written him. Might he have said life is short and if she is unwilling to give you what you want just move on and find someone who will? Anyone else ever feel you might drop the person you have been with if a person with more similar interests came along and you connected? The original woman said the man was perfect except for the icky want. Can she not even imagine that un met desires can break up a relationship?

[darkeyes]

Dear abby or what ever the newspaper column is called now had an article about a woman who had a bf who asked her to do something to him that she found "icky". The woman said that he was not pressuring her physicallly but he kept asking every so often which was making her feel bad and pressured. The woman columnist did the usual woman type answer that a woman should never feel pressured and the man was insensitive and she should offer to do what he liked second best which was not icky to her. I was wondering what a male might have said to the man had he written him. Might he have said life is short and if she is unwilling to give you what you want just move on and find someone who will? Anyone else ever feel you might drop the person you have been with if a person with more similar interests came along and you connected? The original woman said the man was perfect except for the icky want. Can she not even imagine that un met desires can break up a relationship?Equally.. pressuring, pestering, and imposing "icky" things on peeps can break up relationships.. how important is a relationship to a person? Many things r icky 2 partners but they cope cos the relationship is more important than the icky thing...if not then fine.. move on.. tadge shallow but ther ya r.. peeps r often shallow... often it's the person who doesn't like being pressured in2 icky who moves on... done it mesel',... pressure and icky makes peeps want 2.. tuff titty really..:)

[tenni]

Without knowing the "icky" part that the guy wanted to do with her, it is a bit easy for anyone's imagination to play scenarios. It seems to more than not be a sexual icky? ;) Regardless, if a person enjoys something why is it assumed that your partner enjoys the same thing? The partner who finds the activity icky should simply say thanks but perhaps you should find someone else who enjoys the icky activity with. We can do things that we both find pleasurable. We don't have to do "everything" together. Isn't that they way it might/should be if it was not a sexual activity? If you don't like baseball, you don't have to play it with someone who enjoys baseball. ;) It that damn monogamy acting up again (sorta like rheumaticsm) influencing people's belief in morality...lol

[darkeyes]

Without knowing the "icky" part that the guy wanted to do with her, it is a bit easy for anyone's imagination to play scenarios. It seems to more than not be a sexual icky? ;) Regardless, if a person enjoys something why is it assumed that your partner enjoys the same thing? The partner who finds the activity icky should simply say thanks but perhaps you should find someone else who enjoys the icky activity with. We can do things that we both find pleasurable. We don't have to do "everything" together. Isn't that they way it might/should be if it was not a sexual activity? If you don't like baseball, you don't have to play it with someone who enjoys baseball. ;) It that damn monogamy acting up again (sorta like rheumaticsm) influencing people's belief in morality...lolAll that is true, tenni and don't disagree as such.. but have been put under pressure 2 agree to certain acts (1 in partic) cos it wos me they wanted to do it to and cos I was agin them... they wanted to break down me resistance and pestered and (tried to) persevere.. didn't mind them moving along and finding someone else but it wasn't someone else they wanted to do them to when they were with me, and serpently not wile in mid deepest pash... and so they wer moved out of me (sexual) life... powerful narcotic forbidden fruit even if it is only 1 person that forbids it... sumtimes.. especially if only 1 person forbids it...

[The Young Pretender]

Dear abby or what ever the newspaper column is called now had an article about a woman who had a bf who asked her to do something to him that she found "icky". The woman said that he was not pressuring her physicallly but he kept asking every so often which was making her feel bad and pressured. The woman columnist did the usual woman type answer that a woman should never feel pressured and the man was insensitive and she should offer to do what he liked second best which was not icky to her. I was wondering what a male might have said to the man had he written him. Might he have said life is short and if she is unwilling to give you what you want just move on and find someone who will? Anyone else ever feel you might drop the person you have been with if a person with more similar interests came along and you connected? The original woman said the man was perfect except for the icky want. Can she not even imagine that un met desires can break up a relationship?

I would wonder how the woman is declining. Is she asking, "not tonight" or "no, I don't find that appealing, and I probably never will."

[Gearbox]

The 'icky' thing may be anything from seeing each other naked to group fist, piss n scat play.lol It wouldn't matter which though, coz each partner sets their own limits.
I was with a gf for years who thought sucking my cock was way over HER limits, and she bloody didn't suck it either.:( It wouldn't have been good if she did, with her attitude anyway so I didn't nag.
It wasn't vital to me, so it wasn't a deal breaker. Had it had been, I would have buggered off to find somebody more compatible or knocked monog on the head.

[StupidlyHappy]

After I was married to my wife for a few years and just before we had our first child, my wife told me that she found sex to be "icky" and that she only did it to make me happy. I was quite disturbed by this, thinking it was me, she denies this. Well, we are now married 20+ years with 2 teenage kids and let's just say I'm not 'happy' very often. I love my wife but she is content with just snuggling and holding each other which by the way makes me want sex with her more, so now we don't even do that.
So I ask, is it too much for me to ask for sex more than a few times a year? Is that pressuring her? I believe she is the one pressuring in her own way.

[Meliss]

The article was very vague on what action the male wanted from her. In my mind I imagined he wanted her to peg him but no idea why I though that. The wording did not sound right for him wanting a bj from her.

[Dog62]

After I was married to my wife for a few years and just before we had our first child, my wife told me that she found sex to be "icky" and that she only did it to make me happy. I was quite disturbed by this, thinking it was me, she denies this. Well, we are now married 20+ years with 2 teenage kids and let's just say I'm not 'happy' very often. I love my wife but she is content with just snuggling and holding each other which by the way makes me want sex with her more, so now we don't even do that.
So I ask, is it too much for me to ask for sex more than a few times a year? Is that pressuring her? I believe she is the one pressuring in her own way.
Thank You. Finally an intelligent and thought out response. People, and their attitudes, changeover time and as they age. When I was a kid, I hated eating tomatoes, they were "icky". Many years later, I love them. I used to say I would never own a car, only a pickup truck. Well, guess what? I own a car now. When I met my old "friend" we were in our 20's. In my mind, FF was great and I loved watching her and another woman, but MM sex was totally out of the question. Icky doesn't even begin to describe my thoughts. Over the years, as I aged, matured, changed she kept mentioning her desire to watch me suck another guy. I declined loudly every time. It was NOT gonna happen...EVER, oh hell no! Needless to say, in my mid 40's I finally submitted, sucking another guy "for her". Well, as we continued I always told myself I was doing it "for her" until one day I realized that I was not only having fun doing it and that I really enjoyed doing it.

The original post plainly said "that he was not pressuring her physically but he kept asking every so often". Sorry, but get over it. Say "no" if you want but get real. Grow up. He is "asking", not demanding, not blackmailing, not scheming, but ASKING. If being "asked"to do something by a person that she supposedly cares for is causing this creampuff so much stress, I can't imagine how this she could possibly survive other things that come along in real life, like school and a job.
I sorry but all you "well I was made to do something" people need to get a grip too. No one is talking about you. No one is forcing this person to do anything. Take your hostilities out on YOUR tormentor and stop seeing the boogey man in ever one else's story. Just because something nasty happened to you, no one is forcing this doormat to do anything against her will.

[stonebow]

After I was married to my wife for a few years and just before we had our first child, my wife told me that she found sex to be "icky" and that she only did it to make me happy. I was quite disturbed by this, thinking it was me, she denies this. Well, we are now married 20+ years with 2 teenage kids and let's just say I'm not 'happy' very often. I love my wife but she is content with just snuggling and holding each other which by the way makes me want sex with her more, so now we don't even do that.
So I ask, is it too much for me to ask for sex more than a few times a year? Is that pressuring her? I believe she is the one pressuring in her own way.

I was in much the same situation and for for nearly as long as you..had two kids as well. The wife only put out to please me..and it was always the same act, in the same position.

We consulted a marriage counselor...which didn't help. I'm not blaming her but I knew I couldn't go on feeling that sex was a chore to her...that getting hubby off was just one more thing to cross off her to-do list, like paying the electric bill or picking up the dry cleaning. The burden of guilt got to be such that I sank into a deep depression....which only hurt my marriage even more...and what was worse, hurt our kids.

I finally figured out that I was harming my kids and fanning the flames of my wife's bitterness by staying in a relationship so badly damaged...and so I left. About the same time the divorce became final I was fortunate enough to find a free spirited woman who accepts me as I am..and who actually ENJOYS sex!

I still have guilt.. but it's the guilt of knowing I've hurt people I love through not knowing who I was and what I needed from a relationship. The path to self discovery is a long and winding one, fraught with many a stone.

I don't know if any of this helps anyone reading it but...this has been my experience.

[elian]

Well, number one she should be happy that the guy keeps asking - instead of getting his desire fulfilled somewhere else... but I'm not totally insensitive to a person who keeps having to say "no" either - As others have said the degree of "no" does make a difference. How much do both of them want to be in the relationship and what is it worth to both people?