No sex in 4 months, sexuality confusion! Help!

[greenthumb95]

Hey everyone,

So, I have had great feedback in regard to an older post i posted on another site:


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61335-am-i-bisexual-does-my-spouse-suspect.html

I wanted to give an update, and ask for some opinions. My fantasies and thoughts have not gone away, and I have been talking way more to a female friend of mine who knows of my confusions. I am having a hard time dealing with the amount of judgement I am getting from people who I thought were my friends.

People seem to be picking up on my interest in men alot, even though I dont act in a way in which i think someone would suspect it. I still havent fully sat down with my wife yet, as I am able to make comments on social network sites, and over text..but i freeze when i get the idea in person.

I guess what I am asking, is what do i do? I am tired of not knowing if i am bi, but I could NEVER cheat on her. The girls I work with, and female friends all have either picked up on things in the past, or ask me about it.

any thoughts?

[TNMike]

I have only been able to skim through your other post, but saw enough to offer this. The first thing you need to do is to stop looking for approval from others, and to let yourself be ok with being you. Accept yourself for who you are. It seems very clear that you really know who that is, so be ok with being you. You control that, and you don't need the approval of others to do that. You don't need to go public with it, but right there inside your own head, you need to be ok with being you. When you've gotten there, the rest will be much easier.

[zigzig]

I agree that you need to accept yourself first! And you must be honest with your wife, otherwise you can become more miserable with you and your marriage.

[Chris_t_boston]

There's certainly a benefit to your mental state to come out to your wife. Open communication, even about tough subjects, are essential in a marriage.

But here's just a note of caution. When I came out to my wife, I admitted that I thought I was bi when I was about 15. I never acted on it, met my wife, got married and never thought about it again until we started having problems (more on that later).

When I came out, my wife felt the marriage was based on a lie, and I agree. She should have had the ability to weigh whether or not she wanted to marry a bisexual and then make a decision. I took that from her.

I would approach your wife like this...

"Honey, I want to be honest about something with you. Recently I've been having thoughts about sex with guys. Remember when you found craigslist open on my computer? I was having the same issues then, too.

"I haven't had sex with guys so there's nothing to be concerned about but I wanted you to know what's been rattling around in my mind lately. I don't know if it's because I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual needs or if it's just normal curiosity but i thought you should know."

Practice these comments and when you feel the time is right, get it on the table and see where it leads. It didn't kill my marriage.

[TNMike]

Choosing to have this discussion with your wife is a very personal and individual decision. One size does not fit all. If you do choose to go there, you will be much better off to have first understood and accepted yourself before you ask for her acceptance and understanding.

[elian]

So I have to ask about the four months of no sex - is it your doing or hers, or both?? I mean some people are perfectly happy without sex but a lot of people are not. If it is you, what do you think is holding you back?

You are not a "mistake" - you are a worthy and loved part of creation. I often think that you must learn what it means to love and accept yourself first before you can truly know what it means to love other people in a healthy way.

I am proud of you for trying to do what you think is right but sooner or later hiding is going to do more harm than good. If you just came to terms with your feelings then it isn't a "lie" to tell your wife that you don't know what you are feeling.

I would also try having sex with her if that is an option..or at least some cuddling? Does that not happen anymore in marriages? If you both love each other take time out to pamper each other.