Why am I not feeling it daily - confused.com

[Tori K]

Hi

A few months ago I slept with a women I used to work with on a drunken night out. I have been with my boyfriend for eight years but I couldn't face tell him, I thought that if I blocked it out then it would all go away. Of course it didn't and my boyfriend found out by reading a message on my phone. I deeply regret what I did and the fact that I wasn't open and honest with him. I can't believe how much pain and hurt I have caused the love of my life. The last few months have been extremely hard for both of us.

We both want to make this work and want to be happy again. The thing I'm struggling with now is what is my sexuality. I know I'm not gay far from it, I love cock way to much!!! I've had fantasies in the past, I find women attractive but the question I really need help in answering apart from am I Bi-Sexual/Bi-Curious/straight is why do I feel absolutely no attraction to the same sex some days and it just does not cross my mind and other days it's not like that. When I'm not thinking about it I think to myself that "oh I'm straight" and this is what i end up saying to my boyfriend which really confuses him.

It sounds pathetic coming from someone who's 30 in a few months but I've been trying to explain to my boyfriend how I feel and it's making things 100 times worse. At the end of the day we both want closure on this so we can get on enjoying the rest of our lives together. Oh the brain is so complex!!! Please help.... xx

[Gearbox]

Sorry Tori, but nobody knows why same sex attraction comes & goes (swings). We just know that it can, and does for many.:)
The best that you can do IMO is just accept that for you, it does.

According to the Kinsey scale, you'd be incidentally bi. Much like being completely hetero on Monday, but a raving bisexual on Thursday sometimes.LOL Yes it's confusing! But that's what you got to deal with.
Try explaining to your bf that you are just as confused as him, and if he wants anything to work out, he has to accept that too.

[Tori K]

Hi there. The
Thank you for the advice.

[Realist]

Tori, do you feel guilty for the hurt your BF feels, but not for your involvement with the woman?

I ask this because, a similar thing happened to me, years ago.

I loved a girl and we were so good together.....but I loved a guy, too. I wanted him, also, but tried not to allow myself that luxury. I knew she was straight, but I did not have the power to resist. I fought the impulse to be with him. But then, when I was at my weakest...IT just happened! Before I knew it, he and I consummated our attraction in a fit of hormones.

My GF found out and was sorely hurt. She didn't have one bisexual atom in her body!

I was deeply saddened at her destroyed feelings, but not that I had succumbed to the guy. I knew I was bisexual and had been since my earliest recollection, but for her sake, I wanted to be straight. I was in turmoil, hated myself for being so weak, but I loved and wanted them both...she could not accept, or understand, that one person could want to be with both genders.

She tried, but just couldn't.

I hope your relationship is stronger than mine was and that your feelings for same-gender interaction is weaker than mine...and you both can get this situation resolved.

Good luck!

[innaminka]

Firstly - stop trying to apply labels to your behaviours. They mean nothing.
Other than that, the only advice I can give is DON'T FEEL GUILTY about your sexuality.
Things happen in this life. You had a fling and your relationship is suffering as a result. Confront your relationship fears from that starting point; the fling. That it was with another woman is secondary to your breaking an implied trust. That should be your priority.

[darkeyes]

Maybe u have a suppressed attraction 2 ur own gender about wich u hav nev been aware.. and the excess of alcohol and the circumstances just brought it out... sober, that attraction has retreated or disappeared and as best I can tell from ur words it has nev returned... but it may still b there in ur subconcious and that's making u stress... but it may not b ther just sitting waiting to pop up again and give u hassle.. we all do things we wudnt do wen under the influence... even if it is just getting off wiht someone who is in ur normal range of gender attraction and waking up next morning horrified at the less than gorge creature who lies beside u... beauty and the beast in 1... wichever depends upon our state of sobriety...has happened 2 me in the past and 2 many other peeps..

It is natural for u to question urself, but honestly hun, it is daft beating urself up about it... we all want 2 know ourselves better and as we go through life we shall.. but I think we need a lot more evidence b4 u need 2 stress. A 1 of encounter tells us little in circumstances such as urs... it doesnt mean that u r bisexual.. it was a one of incident. we all have them in our lives and many r as a result of drink... ur main prob is ur partner and I suggest that u concentrate on that... tho I will say now I am sumwot dubious 'bout a partner who has lil look c on me fone messages and then creates an as best I can c is keeping it going... seems 2 me ther may b some paranoia ther on 'is part, but of course maybe u let 'im scan ur fone messages and r happy bout it.. some peeps do.... do u have access 2 'is? If not then there isn't a lot of trust going on in first place either way...

Forget the sexuality issue.. it's the trust issue u have 2 deal with cos I think u do have a prob based on the little info u provide... maybe I exaggerate, and am maybe totally out of order and wrong... but have had both bfs and gfs try and get in 2 me fone messages and me e's... ther wos much metaphorical blood on carpet and the relationships such as they wer ended more or less on spot! I wosn't in love and that may well make a difference, but invading me privacy is a trust I do not look kindly upon no matter by whom...