Why can't I talk about this?

[Hypersexual11]

My wife found out I was bi a few years ago. I had been hooking up with random guys for years before that. I would lay in bed at night and go through exactly how I would bring this up with her. I wanted her to know, I wanted her to be a part of this. I never could get the words out of my mouth. When she found out, she was hurt obviously. Mainly for not being open to her about this. She seems to feel that when I have a feeling, I should be able to tell her. Well, I don't believe in unconditional love unless it's a dog. As an old man who grew up in the 60s and 70s in a town that was more in the 40s, I developed a false sense of what is and isn't acceptable. When she found out and I finally stopped lying and admitted my sexual issues, I was packing to leave. No idea where i was going but assumed I would need to leave now. Her comment was "So not only are you cheating, now you're leaving?!?!" The fact that she didnt expect me to leave still confuses me. After all, I'm not the man she married, just some old creepy cock sucker.
In order to save the relationship, she agreed to join me sexually. We met some guys, got some experience with MMF and have a great time doing that. Even though the mmf sex is awesome, I was missing the nsa hookups. Getting between some guys legs and taking him from soft to mind bending orgasm was missing from our encounters. I started going behind her back again, just for very quick hook ups. So she found out. Again, she can't understand why I didnt tell her this. "hey honey, Just fyi, I really really need to suck a load out of someone" just isn't in my vocabulary.
So, how does a guy over 50, fully ruined by conservative upbringing change his tune? How do I learn to open up on subjects that are way beyond uncomfortable?

[Gearbox]

The only way (that I know of) to overcome barriers in communication is to express yourself in written and/or verbal form. You can't learn to swim without getting in the water, kinda thing.:)
It's not uncommon to feel comfortable DOING certain sexual things, and feel uncomfortable SPEAKING of it, sadly. Especially if you've grown up in a conservative/sexually repressed environment. Some things are just not spoken of, although they all know that they go on behind closed doors in secrecy. It's as if the speaking of, is the worse 'sin'.

We are often our most harshest of judges due to that, and will not allow expression of the 'taboo' thoughts in our own minds. NOT to those who we expect to get our judgments confirmed! That is probably why you can go and do anything you like with other men of the same 'type' and express every thought in your head to them, such as "I want to suck a load out of you.", as if you were discussing the weather, yet you find it VERY difficult to speak the words to your wife.

Lets not forget that your wife (bless her) by your description has been amazingly un-judgmental of you, and has forgiven you far more than many would. She has showed no sign that her love is anything but unconditional, yet you don't believe in such a thing!:confused: That is why you (and MANY others) keep secrets whether that is true of their partners or not. We are so used to hiding things away.
Your wife only wants to share your thoughts and feelings. You have a great partner to help you unburden those 'taboo' thoughts verbally and get you to expose yourself without guilt or shame to her.
So go 'learn to swim' by getting 'in the water' and just do it. Flap around, stammer and choke on the words all you like, but get them out! It's the ONLY way!:)

[hasty1]

Hope you don't mind the thoughts of a straight partner of a bisexual.

Honestly, I think you judge yourself harshly ( a creepy old cock sucker? ) and are projecting that onto her. It doesn't sound like you like or accept yourself very much, apologies if I'm on the wrong track here, I'm reading between the lines a bit. It sounds like communication is a bit of an issue, for you both it seems. It seems strange to me that after discovering that you were cheating with men the first time that much talking and understanding didn't take place, and that lessons weren't learnt as you both wanted to save your relationship.

I grew up in the 60/70's too, but somehow I've managed to escape much of the baggage that society burdens us with. I think that people should do what makes them happy, as long as long as it's done with honesty and no one gets hurt in the process, in broad terms anyway. It's a different world nowadays, many constraints have fallen away if you only look to see. Perhaps it's easier for me as my partner is a good deal younger than me, 22 years in fact, but that's another taboo in itself, and I don't care. As gearbox says, the only way to do it is to start. You don't say where your relationship is at the moment, but I'm guessing that it's not long since the second discovery and you're trying to find a way to open the communication, maybe counselling might be the way to go? You would have the support of a mediator and you could explore communicating better with your wife. I'm assuming here that there are things that you would like to discuss with her but that you don't know how? By the way, those words might be in your vocabulary as you used them in your post, but there are others which might be better received. :)

[babloobla]

Thanks for posting, Hyper. I share this fear or block against talking about sexual issues. I can only talk about sex with people with whom I am or have been involved sexually. I tend to agonize for hours over issues of my bisexuality, this site has helped me see I am not as 'weird' and unusual a person as I thought and I intend to open up more here... it's not easy, it's almost like learning a new language. I suggest one way to start with your wife, is to talk about the straight and the mmf sex you are having with her and other men, (wow, she is being remarkably loving in how she has, shall I say, enthusiastically supported you in your taste for men ) Can you talk to your wife or anyone else about sex. Writing about it here shows you know what you want to say, you just don't trust yourself enough to say it, the words get stuck in your throat ;).
Start a sexual conversation, ask her what she likes, tell her what you like about what you are doing. Keep it simple and build up confidence in saying that you like to suck cock or whatever comes to mind. And work on self loving, self acceptance. This woman may be giving you the unconditional love but you won't know it till you let yourself feel it.

[Chris_t_boston]

If you were ready to walk out the door before, what's the worst thing that could happen by being honest with her? She freaks and throws you out? You two stop getting along and you realize it's time to leave?

Basically then you are right back to where you were a few years ago, but knowing you were honest and open and let the chips fall where they may. That's a lot better than keeping it to yourself and suffering.

[tenni]

Hi Hypersexual11

Hasty & Gear have given you some good ideas / insight.

As you write your ideas there doesn’t seem to be anything to fear from your wife?
I don’t know if your wife has unconditional love for you but it seems to be a quite large and caring love. (fortunate man ;) Have you asked her why she didn’t leave you?(as opposed to you leaving her?) Have you thought of telling her that you are very happy that she seems to understand you better than yourself and is so lovingly caring with your fears. Have you asked her why?

The only thing that I can think of is self perception, guilt and fear of rejection is causing you to stumble. Certainly, your puritanical childhood didn’t help. (black and white perceptions about judgement etc.) It looks like it is very hard for you to accept and face yourself even with such a supportive wife. Some communication aspect may be blocking itself on your part and as others have said you both may benefit with a counsellor mediator to help you talk openly to her. Fear of rejection is a large human aspect that can hold us back. Instead of saying "I really need to suck some cock", maybe letting her know by using a synonym..."I need to hang out with a man. Would you be ok with that?" etc.

Best of happiness for both of you :)

[Hypersexual11]

OK, you guys are great. So first, Hasty and Tenni..yep, You are right, I need to learn to accept and like myself. Maybe that will make it easier to talk about this. I did ask her why she didnt leave me when she first found out. Her view of us is as one person. Without each other we are nothing. She is a manager. A problem in the marriage, however horrible, simply needs to be managed, hence the mmf situation.
This isn't a new marriage. We started dating at 15 and married at 18. Been married 33 years next week. My biggest problem in talking with her is that I feel her view of me as a man is compromised. The man she married isnt the man she is married to. I can get over that. Her actions prove she can adapt.
I was in therapy, I was on a fantastic medication that took away all my issues with no side effects. Unfortunately the mental health system has gone insane. I ran out of the happy pills and once off this specific antidepressant, you can't go back. Tried others but they had side effects worse than the original problem.
Sometimes when you live with someone it's hard to see them. It was eye opening to be reminded that she is very supportive and loving and kind. I guess I was taking that for granted. It won't happen again. I will open up to her. I'll be careful in my language. I will thank God every day for her. And for you.

[knowmyselfnow]

You've received some good advice thus far but here's another .02 worth to ponder. Instead of trying to tackle the issue of talking with an all or nothing approach, why not write her a letter? Let her read it in your presence. Then instead of her answering you with spoken words, she can write her response. In the next exchange, read everything aloud which the other wrote. Try to get into the mindset of the other by reading her letter aloud and vice versa. Take baby steps to learn how to openly talk about this. If you want private one on one encounters with men, try to let her understand your reasons for this desire. You might even record them with a video camera to let her see why she shouldn't be offended by this particular desire. You sound like you value her place in your life. And you certainly have reason to value hers in yours. Part of growth which you were missing in your first post was how you're not the man she married. Is she the same exact woman you married? Of course not. You've both grown through your years of life together. Guilt is not easily given up but the fact is until you accept yourself completely without guilt or hang ups or shame, you'll carry it around like a dead bird tied around your neck. Let it go. Be happy you have such an incredibly understanding wife who wants to accompany you on this venture into the unknown. Forgive yourself your past indiscretions. She has... She's your best friend. Learn the language of your heart's voice and take it slow. You CAN do it even if it feels incredibly difficult right now. Accept yourself like she has proven to accept you in all this.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I'm sorry you are going thru all of this, Hon. Communication is Still the best alternative of all. I know the NSA's are fun and thrilling, but they are still lying and cheating. This woman has been with you for nigh on 33 years now. She's played with you and other men to prove to you how much she loves you and wants to make you happy. I hope you know this deep in your heart, Hon.
Good Luck..:}
Cat

[Long Duck Dong]

hi hypersexual..... you are a very blessed man in a incredible marriage and based on what you write, married to a woman that wants to spend the rest of her life with a person that she has shared her life with... a man she grew up with and who has grown up with her, you both grew up, changed and evolved together...... now you are seeing the results of that in your relationship, your partner is open to doing things with you.......

its a good thing and something that you can use to your advantage.... and the other thing that is also to your advantage, is the fact that your wife is a manager, shes taken care of you and the marriage for 33 years by sensing and anticipating the needs of the relationship, often without talking or speaking.....

your wife understands you in a way that makes sense to her, in the same way that you make sense to you.... communicating that to each other is harder than it appears and a way around it, is to write a blog or forum posts that each other can read, as a way of *talking * if you both want... its sometimes easier for people to communicate indirectly when directly communication is not that easy...

there is the saying that you can not teach old dogs, new tricks.... but there are ways to teach old dogs, new ways of doing things that fit into the old dogs abilities..... and in your case, you have not mentioned what may be the root cause or type of depression... and speaking as a person that has dystimia I am very well aware of how some types of depression can affect the ability to communicate with people and how some aspects of behievour can not really be talked about just acted upon and that requires a partner that is very understanding.....as you are not asking your partner for a open rein to do as you please, but a understanding that some things are done because of the effect on ourselves, its almost like a drug / anti depressant with the effect on our minds...... and I think you know what I mean by that lol