Feelings of intense guilt

[CamStar94]

I am a sack of shit. I have been dating a women for a long time now and for the first time, I think I am in love. I have known I was bisexual this entire time and haven't told her. Normally I explore my urges by myself without porn or anything, I am somebody who gets off to posing nude and what not for whatever reason. Whenever I finish I always delete the pictures off my phone though. Tonight....I felt an incredibly strong urge to go on a cam site and pose nude for both men and women....I disconnected after a bit because it occurred to me this is cheating. But I feel so damn guilty about even considering it in the first place. I finished to thoughts of her like I normally do, but I feel terrible for giving in at all. In the past I have been okay with ignoring these urges and focusing on her because I care so much about her. I don't know what to do and I'm tearing up right now for even posing at all earlier...she makes me so happy and I don't want to do this again, in fact I'm positive I won't experiment. Being a monogamous bisexual was so easy but tonight I fucked up all because of being curious and horny.

I'm stuck. Do I let this go this one time? Nothing big really happened anyway. But I'll be damned if it isn't eating at me...I don't want to leave her or leave me. I just want to leave this behind and start clean, I have never done this before previously in the relationship. Please help and don't judge me, I feel so sad and alone right now. I think the reason I may have done this is we have been bickering a bit the past few days, and I won't be able to see her again until the weekend due to both of us having plans. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am a bastard.

[DuckiesDarling]

Hugs, personally right now I'd not tell her. Nothing would be gained from hurting both of you with the confession. But if she doesn't know you are bisexual, you do need to have a conversation and figure out what boundaries, if any, you can both live with in the relationship. I wish you good luck.

[Gearbox]

Feeling such intense guilt and self hate is not going to make you a good partner. Neither will denying your NATURAL HEALTHY sexual urge to explore yourself. In all probability you are handing your gf a depressed and conflicted man by pretending that you are something you are not, in the long run.

I know it isn't easy due to you being afraid that she'd leave you, but letting her know who you are is the best thing you can do IMO. She may reject you, and you'll have to accept that. She may accept you, and again you'l have to accept that too. Neither outcome really matters! What DOES matter is that you accept yourself and quit punishing yourself for being you. Partners may come & go, but you are stuck with you for the rest of your life. You can make that a GOOD or BAD thing, it's up to you.

If she is worth half a bean in your life, she'll want YOU and not what you think you should be.:)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Before you get any further into this relationship, I think you should come clean to her. Be totally honest Now. If she finds out later, its going to devestate her because you had kept it hidden. Even if you arent Bi, but are just being an exhibitionist, you still need to be truthful and honest.
Just my 2 cents, Hon.
Cat

[Long Duck Dong]

cam. you remind me of a person that I once talked with years ago, that was sexually empowered by the idea of posing nude but conflicted by the idea of doing it behind his partners back..... and to cut a long story short, he talked with his partner, corrected a few misunderstandings and ended up with * hobby * of putting on a regular performance for his partner with a side line of getting to do erotic dancing and posing online for others, much to his partners delight cos while others got to watch and drool, she got the real deal....

maybe your partner has her own wild side.... she may like the idea of nude and erotic dancing with you... she may like painting nude pics and need a nude model.... she may love getting the full monty private showing...... she may be what you want and need in your life and like you, she may be hoping that you are going to be ok with her own hidden passions and desires.....

[elian]

It's not a crime to have desires, everyone has them. At some point you must tell this woman you love about your fantasies and the struggle you are going through. Relationship is about helping each other grow - if you can't trust your partner to listen to you then it's not much of a relationship.

I view the nude body as beautiful, whether it is male or female and seeing someone experience sexual pleasure and release is very exciting to me because you are seeing someone who is ecstatic with joy and relief at one of their most vulnerable and intimate times. That's not a crime, it's human nature. With the same sex they may not want to admit it but I think most people who have been sexually active can empathise with that concept. Instead of hiding you need to work with your partner to find ways that are satisfying for you both; if she is mature enough hopefully she will know that you love her and understand.

Coincidently, I have removed all of the porn from my house, I have come to the personal conclusion that being horny may drive me up a wall but it is too much of a temptation to drain my tantric energy away from a real experience with people I love.

[BareProf]

Go cold turkey and stop! You are spending too much time focusing on yourself and your own pleasures. Instead focus on your job, whatever it is, and on your girlfriend. What can you do today to make her smile? A simple text? An unexpected card in the mail. It would be ideal and exciting if she would enjoy nude activities with you but you haven't said much about her and she may not like your idea of nude for others.

Please get over your depression and let us know how it's going. Everyone's done things they felt guilty about, some of them were sexual. You're going to be fine and keep in touch. We care.

[tenni]

Hi
I think that a couple of issues are in play here. The one that speaks the loudest has to do with you accepting yourself. I find it interesting how narrow you define acceptable behaviour as far as monogamy is concerned but that is your boundary. You do not seem to find masturbation as unacceptable but the line comes if you expose yourself to others. The exhibitionist part of you is probably not going to go away by repressing it. One idea may be to include your g/f as part of your exhibitionism. Send her the photos. Develop it as part of a role play scenario.


I agree that the intensity of self hate is probably a major issue that you should explore. I also agree that since you experience such intensity over a sexual act of exhibitionism that it would be best to let your g/f know that you are attracted to both men and women. It really depends how you decide to present yourself to her. Right now you are building up a wall that may be difficult to climb in the future.


Best of fortune in finding peace.