How do you explain a new friend to your spouse?

[Visexual]

You know, I just noticed, I'm the only posting this early in the morning. Oh well, you will get it up soon! Pun intended.

OK, I've had four guys in the past ten years that I had to create, and explain, a way that I met them. One was a man that my wife and I already knew him and his wife. I just had to say that we stumbled into each other in public.

But the other four I had to be creative. And now, it's going to be more and more difficult to be creative with believability. So, because of that, now I'm really getting picky and trying to find a permanent buddy.

I can think of a couple of current, vanilla, friends that I'd love to find out they were bi too but that just doesn't happen, does it? Too bad we can't just ask, huh?

So, for those of you with buddies, how did you explain it to your spouse? Or do you keep them a total secret?

I don't want to meet anyone without knowing them first and, if my wife didn't know about them, it'd be risky to communicate except for places like this. And, honestly, this is more of a meeting place.

[dickhand]

My first fuck buddy was my cousin . Didn't have to hide him or explain him away . Worked all through to our late twenties .

[fredtyg]

My first fuck buddy was my cousin . Didn't have to hide him or explain him away . Worked all through to our late twenties .

That's the big benefit of doing it with someone you already know.

[tenni]

Hi
Well, you have given some of your own boundary ground rules.
1/ You do not want to have sex with a guy until you know him (better)


2/ I get the impression that you have a restricted social life outside of your marriage. That can become common. Develop social interests such as a hobby group etc. That way you may introduce your new friend as someone that you met at X activity(bowling etc.) Similarly, business contacts and chat at home about X can set the possibility why you are spending time with this guy.


3/ You feel that you can not ask without exposing yourself to a friend who you are uncertain as to their willingness to play with you. That is the tough one.


4/ I think that it is better to develop a connection to your potential friend with benefits rather than keeping even knowing him a secret. Lots of guys who do not have a life that permits them freedom of movement develop a greater fear due to this.

[justcurious4me]

Wish I could... Shit... There are days that I feel that my wife gets me involved in too much of the family issues... Just to keep a watch on me. I barely get a full work day in anymore... We're always attending this appointment or that one... Doctors, the school, etc. There is no room, even for creativity. She even moans and groans about me attending my son's boy scouts meetings. Over controlling isn't the word for it... So as far as meeting someone, I have met a couple of people here, but it's all been on-line. However, with all of the breakdowns in communication between us, it's only a matter of time before my second divorce comes into play. Once that happens, I guess the true adventure begins.... Hehehehe... But when it comes to meeting someone, yes I would have to agree that if it were with someone you knew and were already close to, it would be a much better experience. There would already be ties to that person and they would have a good sense of how far to go and what makes things better for you specifically... Just my opinion...

[2bi2Bboring]

Jeez, don't you people have ANY time to yourselves? Ok, ok, just kidding. Develop a new interest, golf, tennis, going to the gym, plastic modeling, bowling, whatever, etc, one you have established said interest. Find a regular excuse to spend time outside the house to do said interest. One the interest is firmly laid down, if it is an interest that requires more than one person to do ( choose wisely), then it follows these people would develop a friendship/bond while doing it. Not instant, but could be done relatively quickly.

[2bi2Bboring]

Jeez, don't you people have ANY time to yourselves? Ok, ok, just kidding. Develop a new interest, golf, tennis, going to the gym, plastic modeling, bowling, whatever, etc, one you have established said interest. Find a regular excuse to spend time outside the house to do said interest. One the interest is firmly laid down, if it is an interest that requires more than one person to do ( choose wisely), then it follows these people would develop a friendship/bond while doing it. Not instant, but could be done relatively quickly.

or rather than all that effort you could just sit her down and be honest.

[Visexual]

2Bi2bboring, of course you're right but it's damn hard to tell your wife of 41 years that you've sucked cocks and loved it. It was difficult enough to admit that I'd fantasized about it.

Now the one nice thing in my marriage is that we both agree that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that would cause us to split up. So I don't have that worry in getting busted.

But I'm ready to find that one guy that's a perfect situation now and willing to wait until I find him. I have a good idea what he is, just not yet who. :)

I know my wife very well. If he was half of a couple that we knew and liked and she didn't realize that he and I had set up this new friendship knowing we were both bi, then it'd be perfect.

I don't think my wife would ever be part of a sexual retionship with another couple, or man, but I think she'd be cool with this other couple having a bisexual husband that was having some sex with me. It would be nice if his wife felt the same as mine and he and I could, at least, flirt with each other's wives. Then go off together and do our thing!

And, as far as how we'd let our wives know how we discovered our mutual bisexuality? My wife was revealed to mine through an erotic story I wrote years ago. I've written lots of erotica, including bisexual since. I've thought about it and if we became good friends and my writing came up, well, as I've done with others, I could offer my four vanilla books to them but, this time, include the fifth with my erotica that included soft bisexual work.

Then, after we meet again, he could bring that book up and we could lead the talk to the bi parts. I think both wives would fall for that. Don't you just hate having to be so devious?

I'm pretty sure that my wife would be so tickled that I found a really close friend that she'd also be happy that involved pleasure too.

[DomLkg4maleCkSkr]

I found a really great cock sucker down the street once. He was afraid that his family would find out about us. I had to show him that I could walk right past the entire family and not even give a hint of knowing him. Once he saw that, he stopped in about 2 mornings to get his "fix" as he liked to call it. It was a great arrangement. I think that the ones who keep it secret do best. There just isn't very much understanding about it, as I see things.

[Hypersexual11]

Vi, i think yo are over-thinking this. Keep it simple. Join a new club. Perfect place to meet someone. Even if you don't keep up your membership, once you have met a friend, you're there. In your situation, I think keeping it secret would work better. Your wife could possibly eventually agree to let you go off with a guy but I doubt the freedom would last, then you may be in the same boat as justcurious4me.

[DiamondDog]

Why not just come out to your wife, and not lie and cheat on her?

[dingmama]

I am a little confused. Does she know you are bi and are actively looking for a partner? After 41 years, she loves you and wants you to be happy. I think she would prefer you to have just one partner rather than always looking. Do you think she would be open to being there when you were with a partner? She may find that doesn't feel like cheating. My hubby and I play together. I know if he came home and told me he had been with someone else I would feel he cheated on me even though we have an open relationship. The fact that we share our sexual experiences with each other has created and incredible bond and love that I could never have imagine existed. If I have sex with anyone else I want him to be there. Are you asking how to explain how you met a man you have had sex with or want to or are currently sexually active with that you met online or in a forum that she doesn't participate in or know you do? That is tricky. I think it comes to honesty. She may be better off knowing because you are looking for the one. You aren't out there to conquer the world, just have some fun with someone you can trust. Conversely, if it is best that you keep this secret, I agree with others here that a good cover is a hobby or club that is just for men. This way she can't join. I really hope this has helped.

[DiamondDog]

If you have to lie to your spouse and are going to cheat on her or him this is a recipie for having your marriage or partnership end.

[Newly_Bi]

Why not just come out to your wife, and not lie and cheat on her?


Exactly. As soon as I noticed that I was finding men attractive, I told my wife and we talked about it. Now, she knows I'm bi and since there is a whole new world that I haven't explored, she is allowing me to sleep with other guys so I can enjoy the experience ;)

[bicplupstateny]

I think it's sad that you feel you need to make up a story - in other words lie - to your spouse. My husband and I may lie to our vanilla friends, family and co-workers that just don't "get it." But we never lie to each other.

[ErosUrge]

Yes...this is a tough one.

I understand how one gets into a situation where you have to conceal the truth from your significant other. I won't judge you for this as others have here as I have been in your shoes before. I did what you're doing now but it was much more often and with men my wife did not know or have any idea about. Eventually though because of me being so secretive and keeping it from her, things developed in such a way that created difficulty in our relationship. And that was primarily because of my absence during times I was out sexing with these men. She never found out, but my absence had an impact and was the main reason for the demise of our relationship. Because of the relationship coming to an end which devastated me at the time, I eventually healed and in later years came to terms with being bi. So much so that I opened up and revealed I was bisexual to most people and friends who knew/know me. I vowed to never keep it a secret ever again from the woman I cared about. I kept to that and have always revealed to the women in my life that I'm bi. Only one backed out of the relationship we had after a year stating she thought she could handle it but realized she couldn't. Currently the woman I am seeing now knows too.

I realize that after so long your wife not knowing would I'm guessing have negative consequences should she know. I do know of some people who live this way. It's very tough to maintain. I only wish you the very best regardless.

[tenni]

I think it's sad that you feel you need to make up a story - in other words lie - to your spouse. My husband and I may lie to our vanilla friends, family and co-workers that just don't "get it." But we never lie to each other.

Yes, it is sad that he feels that he can not be open, honest and disclose his sexuality to his wife. It is also sad that he thinks that he can not just say I met a cool guy and we are going to play golf, tennis, work on our hobby together...even without any sexual component. Now whether it is guilt or his reality that his relationship is so tight and controlled that his wife might be suspicious if he mentions a new friend is another ..is it not sad?

It is also sad that some bisexuals do not acknowledge how difficult it is for some other bisexuals. It is not just as easy as sitting down with your partner to tell her you are bisexual for some. It is sad that some bisexuals do not have the ability to not judge another bisexual because of the conditions of his/her life. It is sad that there are posters on this site who lack compassion and hold such judgmental perspectives of other bisexuals.

[DiamondDog]

I think it's sad that you feel you need to make up a story - in other words lie - to your spouse. My husband and I may lie to our vanilla friends, family and co-workers that just don't "get it." But we never lie to each other. Agreed, if you can't talk to your partner or spouse about your sexuality and come out to them and are instead going to cheat on them and lie to them you should just end the relationship or marriage.
Yes, it is sad that he feels that he can not be open, honest and disclose his sexuality to his wife. It is also sad that he thinks that he can not just say I met a cool guy and we are going to play golf, tennis, work on our hobby together...even without any sexual component. Now whether it is guilt or his reality that his relationship is so tight and controlled that his wife might be suspicious if he mentions a new friend is another ..is it not sad? It is also sad that some bisexuals do not acknowledge how difficult it is for some other bisexuals. It is not just as easy as sitting down with your partner to tell her you are bisexual for some. It is sad that some bisexuals do not have the ability to not judge another bisexual because of the conditions of his/her life. It is sad that there are posters on this site who lack compassion and hold such judgmental perspectives of other bisexuals. Also if someone's spouse or partner is that controlling that they will not allow their partner or spouse to have platonic friends this is a serious red flag and they should end the relationship or marriage to an insecure control freak like this. However, the original poster is not writing about platonic or non-sexual friends but fuck buddies who he'll cheat with and lie to his spouse about.

[tenni]

Agreed, if you can't talk to your partner or spouse about your sexuality and come out to them and are instead going to cheat on them and lie to them you should just end the relationship or marriage. Also if someone's spouse or partner is that controlling that they will not allow their partner or spouse to have platonic friends this is a serious red flag and they should end the relationship or marriage to an insecure control freak like this. However, the original poster is not writing about platonic or non-sexual friends but fuck buddies who he'll cheat with and lie to his spouse about.<br>
<br>
We do not know about the OP platonic friendships. He mentions that the first man was a couple friend where he and his wife were friends with another couple and the two guys got up to some play probably without the wives knowing what they were doing. He would not be the first married man who finds himself with no friends of his own other than the socializing that his wife creates. For some reason men are more inclined to lose contacts with their male friends once married. There may be a lot of reasons why. The OP certainly infers that he doesn't have a lot of male friends that are not linked to his wife and their married status. Some guys have broad friendship base with other men. It would be easy to introduce another male friend if the man was very sociable with other men. Clearly, he is not one of those men. Whether his spouse is controlling or the OP has just let male social contacts vanish from his life, this is a problem for him now that he wants to get together with other men (for sex). <br>
<br>
It may be pure guilt on his part but I suspect that he is an isolated married man. I've met many married men who are in this male social outcast lifestyle. They go to work. They go to family social activities. They have no hobbies where they mix with other men. They may have a man cave in their house but no other men join them in it. Their life is very narrow. They seem to feel dominated by their spouse. They have to justify much of their actions outside of the house or work. They have not built in any me time outside of the house. Other men do build into the marriage me time. Some go to a pub one night a week and the wife expects them not to be accountable for their every minute away from the house or work. <br>
<br>
Some men are not accustomed to socializing with other men platonic or otherwise unless part of their wives social circle or work circle. They have withdrawn from male bonding activities such as fishing, golf or other sports/hobbies etc. where men tend to gather. Men tend to socialize for a reason such as a sport or hobby while many women tend to socialize for networking and emotional support. Some women may also lose track of their female friends as well but it seems common with some men for sure. Whether it is the controlling spouse or a character trait that the man has where he initially is withdrawn from socializing period...I don't know.

[ErosUrge]

It is also sad that some bisexuals do not acknowledge how difficult it is for some other bisexuals. It is not just as easy as sitting down with your partner to tell her you are bisexual for some. It is sad that some bisexuals do not have the ability to not judge another bisexual because of the conditions of his/her life. It is sad that there are posters on this site who lack compassion and hold such judgmental perspectives of other bisexuals.ul


Boy Tenni, I couldn't have said it better myself. All of these things you mention I feel too. Yet, this kind of situation is what happens too often where people don't understand the meaning of compassion. ...

[zigzig]

I never had a fuck buddy. But agree that it is not healthy to hide sexuality from your partner. If it is a woman, she can easily tell if there is a third in the relationship.

[Lover_Not_Fighter]

I would have to agree with some of these folks here.
1. I would fess up to the wife. It sounds like she might actually help out. Besides she will probably one day figure it out anyway. Best you fess up now then later.
2. If you live in a small town as I do it may well be very difficult to find a mate without the whole town knowing! I wouldn't care if the whole world knew I was bi but that's me, also I'm not ready to make a world appearance!!:yikes2:
3. I have had some luck with a website called adultfriendfinder. May work may not!

bottom line is you know your wife better than we do, but I think in the long run you would be better off letting her know. Maybe she'll want to help out picking a mate for you! From my own experience it is a lot of fun when the wife is actually helping out in the process!!

[DiamondDog]

Yes, it is sad that he feels that he can not be open, honest and disclose his sexuality to his wife. It is also sad that he thinks that he can not just say I met a cool guy and we are going to play golf, tennis, work on our hobby together...even without any sexual component. Now whether it is guilt or his reality that his relationship is so tight and controlled that his wife might be suspicious if he mentions a new friend is another ..is it not sad? It is also sad that some bisexuals do not acknowledge how difficult it is for some other bisexuals. It is not just as easy as sitting down with your partner to tell her you are bisexual for some. It is sad that some bisexuals do not have the ability to not judge another bisexual because of the conditions of his/her life. It is sad that there are posters on this site who lack compassion and hold such judgmental perspectives of other bisexuals. It's not judging someone or being "mean", to tell them how instead of cheating on their wife and lying to her that they should either get a divorce if they're just going to cheat, or tell her how they are bisexual and be honest.

[bi.hubby]

I had no problem my wife wanted to watch a man fuck my ass and have me suck them. after a while she would want the cock so I would watch her fuck them then suck them clean. It is easy to get cock to suck when they get some pussy too.,. Now I just tell her I have a frend cumming over and she will remind me to take pics for her.

[centillini]

Only had one that had to explain to spouse, she asked you and **** are hanging out alot, I said yeah, showing him how to hunt and do some wood work. She was okay with the answer, not really lying either, wink.

[CurEUs_Male]

I had a long response written, and my iPhone lost the page just as I was about to send... I hate that.


I will say that honesty is the best policy. It is not easy, for either person, but in the long run it is best. This has nothing to do with judging or being mean, or making someone feel like a second class person. It comes from experiences discussed in open forums from both sides of a marriage. You can learn a lot from other people and their experiences. As bisexuals, we do not have a lot of role models, and neither do our straight spouses. It becomes an innate responsibility of ours to be a better person to those we love, and for those we meet in life. As a husband, a father, a boss, a technical expert, a friend, we are looked upon all the time as an example (good or bad), so that should be no different as a bisexual.


I came out to my self and my wife several years ago. Doing all the 'right' things. My wife didn't deal with things very well, which over the years caused more issues with communication and trust. I probably did some things wrong, but I have found what I was attempting to do was more in line with what other straight spouses would have preferred - being open and honest before acting, allowing my partner to maintain an informed consent, or chose a suitable alternative for herself.


I see see that the discovery of an affair, cheating, and lies does much more damage to the core relationship than any discussion could possibly cause. People that have been discovered are dealing with an angry spouse, zero trust, and all the emotional, physical, and detrimental fallout of the situation along with the bi thing (TBT). I dealt with multiple discoveries of my wife's lies and cheating, and had it been the other way around, I do not believe she would have ever even gotten to the point of discussing TBT because of all the other issues from an affair.


There are some support groups to help get married couples through this initial hurdle. The road is difficult, but not impossible. Do not start a journey expecting to ignore the paths others have followed. There are many out there making it work as an honest relationship, and many that wish they had been given the chance to have it start as an honest discussion before discovery.


One last point - discovery is not hard. One mistake and it is out there. You will be discovered eventually if you are keeping secrets. Have the conversation. Let the one you are closest to in your life know the real you, and let them be in your life as you figure it all out. Consider a therapist to help both of you communicate and to digest the information.


Feel free to contact me directly if you (anyone) want to talk 1-1 or would like some resources for support groups.

[bi.hubby]

My wife allways wanted to watch me with another man, She would fuck me with dildoes and have me suck them . so the first several men we found togeather. She would get horney watching and join in. Now I just ask if a frend can stop bi. and if we have no plans no problem. I feal luckey.

[dafydd]

You say,
"love, as much as I care about you, truth is...I really don't. I don't find you attractive anymore and get my kicks out of betraying years of trust and honour by cheap thrills sucking cock behind ur back"

... Or maybe not. Depends how much of a coward u are/are not.

d

[fredtyg]

You say,
"love, as much as I care about you, truth is...I really don't. I don't find you attractive anymore and get my kicks out of betraying years of trust and honour by cheap thrills sucking cock behind ur back"

... Or maybe not. Depends how much of a coward u are/are not.

d

Seems we have another troll?

[dickhand]

I have a buddy down on the coast . He and I play "chess" down in his basement workshop while we listen to his wife walking around upstairs . He's "a big" chess player and I enjoy the challenge !

[Indywood]

Yes, it is sad that he feels that he can not be open, honest and disclose his sexuality to his wife. It is also sad that he thinks that he can not just say I met a cool guy and we are going to play golf, tennis, work on our hobby together...even without any sexual component. Now whether it is guilt or his reality that his relationship is so tight and controlled that his wife might be suspicious if he mentions a new friend is another ..is it not sad?

It is also sad that some bisexuals do not acknowledge how difficult it is for some other bisexuals. It is not just as easy as sitting down with your partner to tell her you are bisexual for some. It is sad that some bisexuals do not have the ability to not judge another bisexual because of the conditions of his/her life. It is sad that there are posters on this site who lack compassion and hold such judgmental perspectives of other bisexuals.

That is awesome! I'm fortunate enough to have a wife that accepts this- first wife, not so much. Being able to look at both sides of the coin should be a little more expected here. Considering how many would judge us for our sexuality, me thinks a little more understanding could go a long way

[NMCowboys]

You say,
"love, as much as I care about you, truth is...I really don't. I don't find you attractive anymore and get my kicks out of betraying years of trust and honour by cheap thrills sucking cock behind ur back"

... Or maybe not. Depends how much of a coward u are/are not.

d

I agree with what you posted. What's with all the people on this site who are into cheating on a spouse or partner?