Married but Falling for BiLover

[BandedOne]

Firstly, I'm 39 years old and since being molested when i was a kid (around 9 - 11) have had a penchant for men. Not little thin guys (no offense to you thin guys) but for muscular, blue collar, worker types. This may have to do with the fact that the guy that molested me for years was like this. Well, I had lots of therapy and lots of introspective time and reailzed I was not gay. I had had encounters with guys, oral sex mostly and once in a while topping, but rarely anything else. I got married and told my wife I'd been with men but loved her and wanted to be with her and we've been married for 13 years. I think she might have a clue, but I don't know, that I have still had feelings for guys from time to time because sometimes I catch myself looking at some hot guy mowing the yard or something. My problem is that I can't stop. I had to be with a man for the male sex, it has been a desire since the guy molested me. I finally found one too. He's great and cool and caring and smart and all together hot and we've been messing around for a few months. He knows I'm married and he would like to be married too one day. My problem is that now I'm beginning to develop feelings for him, where I thought it would only be simple hot sex buddies type thing, but tonight I realized that I think I might be able to love him deeply and I told him and he reciprocated my feelings. I am very confused now because I didn't expect to love him but I can't stop and now I can't imagine being without him. I don't ever want to leave my family who I love dearly but I am so confused and disheveled that I'm not sure what's supposed to happen now. Tell my wife and potentially ruin my family or dump my lover who I have come to love and hurt him and me? Anyone have any advice for me? I sure would appreicate an outside view.

[JohnnyV]

Banded One,

Whatever you do, don't decide anything out of fear. I am not a psychologist, but I think that your trauma when you were younger may have made you relate sexuality to anxiety; you release your anxieties through sex and you sexualize whatever issue is making you anxious.

My gut would say, just try to make your decision out of caring, compassion, and what will make you happy.

First, let me say that I think it's wonderful that you found something deeper than shallow sex with another man. You've found a source of love in your life, and that can be good.

Second, you are in a good situation because your wife has some information about your past, so she won't be totally blindsided. This man is also apparently willing to be your special male friend without expecting the two of you to be a purely gay couple.

Maybe one way to think about this is: can you try to view this man as a friend first, not a lover? We can feel strong emotions toward friends. The sex part of it may simply be an aspect of your friendship, and you will work that out with your wife. If you think of yourself as a friend who also makes love, then picture yourself as a mentor and confidant to your male partner; you may be the person he can come to, for advice about his love life with women, and to get away from the stresses of his domestic life.

In human history, think of how many married men had a close friend like that, someone to talk to, and at times be intimate with. What you have found in life shouldn't feel like a curse, you have been blessed with an abundance of love.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

J

[zyzygy]

Dear Banded.

I while ago my wife and I were going through a rough spot in our relationship, and out of the blue an old girlfriend rang up. We clicked emotionally straight away and before long I was wanting to take up with her.

I'm still with my darling wife because of a web site we found. The site is www.marriagebuilders.com (http://www.marriagebuilders.com) On the site you will see explained (under the basics heading) how we fall in love and why we fall out of love. Under the Q and A section under "coping with infidelity" you will see why when we don't get what we need from our relationships we go looking to fill the void, but that in most cases the new relationship is not a whole and rounded one.

Read the web site and see how it fits with your situation. The author has books to sell, of course, but I have a couple and they have helped. He's christian, but doesn't ram it down your throat, and as far as I can see the principles are universal - a relationship is the same irrespective of the genders of those involved.

May you find the relationship you seek.

Steve.

[Reprob8]

Hi Banded, great post and I am sure you will find some good answers frome the people on the site. I have no more advice for you but I enjoyed are talkin the chat room. Good luck buddy.