Bisexual Youth Identity: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love my Crushes

[Brian]

By Heather Childs

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author17.jpgThe first time I realized that I had a crush on a girl, it was too much for my twelve-year-old brain to handle, so I promptly filed the information under “deal with later.” I mean, I liked boys. I really liked boys. I was even occasionally described as “boy crazy.” What did it mean that I had a massive crush on a girl? I didn’t think about this again until six years later when I embarked on an intense sexual relationship with my (female) best friend. I was still thinking, “But I like boys! I really like boys!”

My confusion is not uncommon. As guilt-inducing as first same-sex experiences frequently are, for young people who have never found themselves attracted to the opposite sex there is often an accompanying feeling of relief or recognition—a “this feels right.” When you’ve spent your childhood knowing that something was different about you because you had no interest in the opposite sex, realizing (or confirming) that you are gay or lesbian makes things simpler, although not exactly easy.

But it isn’t as easy for those of us who find ourselves attracted to both men and women. We may take a lot longer to come out or even become aware of our attraction to the same sex, because it doesn’t necessarily occur to us to examine our feelings towards them. Why go looking to complicate things when the status quo is working for you? Chrystie, 19, said, “I had always liked guys, so when I realized that I was also into girls, it was kind of a surprise. I’d never wondered about my sexuality until that moment.” For me, it took a couple of months of having an zealous relationship with a girl, continuing to crush on boys, thinking about past crushes on girls, and reading books about sexuality before I understood there was a word for this dual attraction, and that it did indeed apply to me. The word was bisexual.

Bisexuality is not an easy identity to adopt. Some folks identify as bisexual before ultimately coming out as lesbian or gay, which means that it’s difficult to know if someone is “truly” bisexual or “in a phase.” Bisexual is often a safer identity position than gay; your parents can still hold out hope that you’ll meet a nice girl/boy, get married, and have 2.5 children. However, this transitional bisexual identity leads people, both straight and gay, to conclude that “real” bisexuality doesn’t exist. Folks who are only attracted to one sex seem to find it hard to believe that someone could be genuinely attracted to more. They tell us it’s just a phase, or ask us if we’re still bisexual. A gay male acquaintance responded to my irritated “yes” to this question with, “Yeah, I know. I was bisexual for a while, too.”

For a young person trying to come to grips with a new sexual orientation, this dismissal from supposed allies is extremely discouraging. There is a lot of pressure to pick a side. As for coming out, it seems much easier to explain to parents that you’re just not attracted to the opposite sex than to explain that while you could, in theory, lead a “normal” heterosexual life, you’re also attracted to the same sex and are just as likely to be a sexual deviant. Josh, 18, after struggling with his attractions to boys for a few years, found himself interested in a girl and wondered, “Why did I have to go through all this if I could just be attracted to girls?” However, just because he liked a girl didn’t mean that he could just abandon his feelings for boys, which were still there.

Invisibility is one of the biggest issues facing bisexual youth. There are few bisexual role models, and those that do exist are frequently defined by the gender of their current partner. Historical figures known to have slept with both men and women are generally co-opted by the queer community as lesbian or gay figures, and since we don’t know how they might have identified, can we really claim them as bisexuals? Sexual orientation was not constructed in the same way that it is now; words like homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual are relatively recent inventions. The need to label and construct one’s identity relative to that label has not always been so strong.

Part of what’s difficult about bisexual identities is that they are not static. Many bisexual folks describe their identities as fluid; there may be many times when they find themselves more attracted to woman and times when they find themselves more attracted to men. It’s rare that anyone is always equally attracted to both men and women in a 50/50 split. Even if it were, such a thing is impossible to quantify, despite my landlord’s assertion that I am a “true” bisexual – “I’ve seen who comes out of your bedroom!” he quips. Fluidity can make it difficult to be sure of your orientation. When you’re struggling to prove that you’re not just going through a phase, but worried that you might be, a swing to either side can be harrowing. I’ve known many bisexual youth who’ve breathed a sigh of relief and said, “No, I think I’m actually just attracted to girls” and then had to recant when a cute boy walked by.

“I wonder if I’m just jealous of other women’s bodies,” says Katie, 21. “Women are so sexualized in the media that it seems normal to look at them and think about how sexy they are. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s attraction and what’s social conditioning. Sometimes I can’t tell if I want to have sex with somebody or to BE that person.”

Forming an identity is a terribly important part of life for young people today. We constantly search for ways to present our identities to others. Whatever aspects of ourselves we share will be the aspects that define us to those we know. Changes or fluctuations, especially around sexuality, seems hard to understand and hard to believe.. “When I told my friends that I thought I was gay,” says Josh, “they accepted it. But when I talked to them about also being attracted to girls, they just said ‘nah, you’re gay’ and didn’t want to hear about it.” Learning to cope with shifting attractions and relationships is probably one of the most difficult parts of growing up. Adults who come out as bisexual frequently do so from a context of having sexual experience and (one hopes) confidence. Bisexual youth attempt to explore their sexuality in an atmosphere of guilt, repression, fear, pressure, and ineptitude. It’s hard to relax and enjoy sex when you’re not sure what you’re doing and you think that your parents will be coming home soon. Young people don’t usually have the skills to negotiate what’s comfortable and what’s not, and frequently have the paralyzing fear of “what if I don’t do what this person wants and nobody else ever wants to sleep with me?” Sexual approval is a strong motivator for young folks trying to build self-esteem and establish themselves as sexual beings.

So what’s a bisexual youth to do when their identity is fluid and suspect? How does one avoid the pressure to choose a side? What if it is all a phase?

The first and most important step is to accept yourself. Figure out what you need to feel comfortable with yourself and your attractions. Our society gives us very few options about what attractions are acceptable, and you are not the only one having feelings that you think you shouldn’t be having.

Finding community is a big help for a lot of people. It’s nice to know that you’re not the only person in a situation like yours. Community can mean a lot of different things—you may want to have close friends who are also bisexual, you may want to interact with other bisexuals on the internet (in chat rooms, or on sites like this one), or you might attend a support group for bisexual youth. While you will probably be unable to associate only with bisexual people, minimizing the presence of biphobic individuals in your life will make a big difference. Having a bi-positive community can keep you feeling positive about your attractions, remind you that you are not alone, and confirm that your identity does indeed exist.

There are many queer communities on the internet, but bisexual-specific ones are a bit harder to find. An internet search for “bisexual youth” may bring up some good leads – but here are a couple that I’ve checked out.

Youth Resources (http://www.youthresource.com/living/bi.htm), a project of Advocates for Youth, has young people’s stories about being bisexual, a pamphlet for youth who think they might be bi, and peer educators whom you may email for advice. It also has a lot of great information about negotiating relationships, living as a queer person, being a queer youth of colour, and dealing with sexuality and faith issues. Definitely worth checking out!

Temenos (http://www.temenos.net/youth/bi.shtml) “the progressive LGBTI community online” has a bisexual youth section, as well as both bisexual and youth sections. Lots of resources for folks of colour, links to the bisexual youth webring, articles about bisexual youth, links to queer movies and books, and lots of tips for health, faith, family, relationships, and activism.

The Bisexual Resource Centre (http://www.biresource.org/) is a great starting point for any bi person looking for more information. You will find bisexual news, book reviews, listings of support groups, pamphlets, conference listings, reports on studies, volunteer and job opportunities, and all kinds of bi merchandise if you feel the need to wear your sexuality on your t-shirt. It also has an info page called “I Think I Might Be Bi” (http://www.biresource.org/pamphlets/mightbebi.html).

It’s not terribly easy to find many online communities for bisexual youth…most youth groups or sites have a broader LGBT mandate (which sometimes lists the “B” but doesn’t actually talk specifically about bisexuality) or else are not age-specific, or are even youth-exclusive because they’re intended for adults. If you know of specific groups for bi youth, please feel free to comment and let us know!

When you do find yourself in situations that are not bi-specific or bi-positive, be selective about coming out. Your sexual orientation is your business, and the only people who need to know are the people that you want to know. If you feel good about talking to someone about bisexuality, that’s cool, but you don’t have to educate everyone about the subject. People can do their own work.

After my first girlfriend and I broke up, I found myself wondering if bisexual was really the right identity for me. I still liked boys. I mean, really liked boys. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel that way about another girl. But my attraction to my first girlfriend was real; our relationship was real. Even if I was never attracted to another woman, I would still be bisexual.

Of course, since then I’ve found myself attracted to and in relationships with several other girls, all the while still liking (really liking) boys. And after twelve years of identifying as bisexual, the “phase” hasn’t passed. The only thing that’s really changed is that now I have a much better idea of how to deal with it when I have a crush on a girl.

(c) Copryight 2006 Heather Childs

Heather spends her time watching Godzilla movies, knitting, playing with little plastic dinosaurs, and trying to find new and exciting ways of improving people's self-esteem and comfort with their sexuality.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol, as a former youth and sexual abuse counsellor, I saw a lot of * railroad* thinking amongst my peers... and I have to admit that most of them were people that studied sexuality out of a book and had never lived the life or walked the walk of a bisexual... and its rare that i read articles by a person that understands that teenagers do face hell on earth as they face their sexuality, but in heathers case, she has written a brillant article and one well worth reading

as a sexuality, bisexuality is the hardest to define and understand... mainly cos of the inability of people to understand that bisexuality is not about being closet gay / lesbian and nor is it about being sexually curious and experimental... its about having a abundance of mixed feelings, emotions and options

part of the trouble with bisexual role models, is its so bloody hard to create a niche where a bisexual role model stands out from the crowd....as a gay role model you can generally find a feminine acting gay person as the main gay role model.... and for heteros, you have the masculine, straight person.....but how do you define a bisexual role model ???


the idea that a person is bisexual, doesn't mean they are sexually free and willing to do it 20 times a day with the first man / woman or both to walk thru the door....being bisexual means we are attracted to both sexes....it also means that we choose if we desire to act upon that attraction or if we wanna admire from afar and based on the people in this site, I would say that its mainly that we admire from afar and respect close up....but the bedroom remains shut

[riddel]

WOW. . . talk about understanding!!! I love this article!! This to me really stands out(but so did the other ones!!) but this one actually grabs my mind and helped me sort out my thoughts as I read though this! I mean I recently accepted my sexuality some months ago and im still having trouble 24/7 despite all the other thoughts. . my sexuality always renders my mind confused. But I fell more relaxed and at ease with my changing self due to this passage!!! :bigrin: I LOVED THIS ONE!!

[Reprob8]

Yesterday while driving to the park we saw a group of about 8 teens, youung men and women and out of the blue two of the boys threw a lip lock on each other. My first response was of amazement that it is accepted enough in our community that no one honked, yelled, or reacted in any overt way which is awsome in some ways. My next thought is Bisexuality has become very fadish with the kids in our community so now they not only have the internal pressures about their sexuality but external pressures also.

We now have kids having sex with pretty much anyone breathing and with the conservative abstinance only method of sex ed we are looking at a public health nightmare, we all know that kids are going to have sex but the in allot of communitites the only information they get is abstinance only.

They do not need the information for protection for oral, vaginal and anal sex because as we all know if you put ideas in their little heads they are going to run and try it. <------ note sarcasm

Sorry for the mindless rant, it was a very uplifting article.


:bibounce:

[blue_hard]

The same thing happened to me (to a guy of course) when I was around 10 or 11. And it actually went to the point where we got naked together and did some touching. The funny thing is, three years later, I had forgotten all about it and was just as homophobic as any other 7th grader trying to be "cool." It wasn't until years later I remembered the incident and thus began my journey to discovering my bi side.

[Azrael]

Excellent article. Very well describes the confusion that one encounters on the path to self discovery. Without going into too much detail it reads like a page from one of my journals at times. It also hits upon the feelings of intense isolation from the gay community that we feel, being told to get over "that bisexual thing". Most importantly it goes into how bisexuality is not a static, but very fluid state of being for many, myself included. In a perfect world I suppose it would be as easy as saying, "I'm feeling straight/gay today", but it just doesn't work that way, at least not for me. Perhaps it's just because I'm young and the article is targeted toward "my generation" that I found it so relatable. Lovely piece.

[Diane54]

Great article.
brings back memories I had conveniently forgotten.
What a nightmare teen years can be. It is comforting to find out you are not the only person to have ever felt a certain way. Teen support is essential. The church is no help. And where would a role model come from? when I was in school a person would be persecuted unmercifully for even hinting at being gay. So liking guys was a life saver, but Becky, mmmmm.

[Artstudent87]

Great article! I really enjoyed it. I think you touched on a lot of aspects other articles overlook. Thanks!

~Jason

[Bi-ten]

Loved the article,

Blessed the young who learn to work through their confusion at an early age! Myself, I am still confused from time to time...and I am 40ish.

Wouldn't it be interesting if we did not need to be terrified of what we naturally feel. If, when I was young I could just have gone up to my Dad and said, 'hey Dad, great news, I am bi-sexual!' and he would have hugged me and said 'My dear Son, I love you any way you are...now how about mowing that lawn!'.

Ah dare to dream:)

Bi-ten

[Merlla]

What a great article. All I can say is it seems you may have read my mind. Especially the bit about not knowing whether you're attracted to someone or want to be like them. How to figure out what your true feelings are and what's been conditioned into you. Thanks for writing this.

[BiBiologist]

Fantastic and insightful article! This is the way I have tried to explain to the people I have come out to, but now I'm just going to send them this article! I think (hope) that we really are moving toward what BiTen dares to dream about:


If, when I was young I could just have gone up to my Dad and said, 'hey Dad, great news, I am bi-sexual!' and he would have hugged me and said 'My dear Son, I love you any way you are...now how about mowing that lawn!'.

Ah dare to dream:)

Bi-ten

But oh, so slowly and unevenly in various parts of society (and geography). My coming out to my parents was just about that simple--but I was 46 and not 16 (it was just a few months ago!) When I was in high school the word bisexual was unheard. There certainly was not even any talk of same-sex marriage, which is now an option at least in some places. It probably was less agonizing at the time, when I found myself sexually attracted to guys, but still knew somehow my feelings for either sex weren't "normal" (i.e., not the same as everybody else's). I think the biggest single difference, practically "overnite", has been the internet, and the ability to privately look up information on just about anything, and find/chat with others in similar situations. And articles like this one--you go, Heather!

[bigregory]

Great article.
Wow like you touched my soul.
The link http://www.youthresource.com/living/bi.htm
was added to the bi-web area here.
I am hoping to get a youth area on the bi-web area to help answer all the questions that young people have(I know i had lots)
temenos site was not added as i dont think relevant to youth and has links to nasty sites.
Again great article!!!
:bibounce: :bipride:
:bipride: :bibounce:

[guyfromdenver]

Heather,

Nice article, but... I am very bi. I am not attracted to men at all other then sexually. There are those of us that are not at all nor ever will be gay that still enjoy the play that our same sex can offer. I have often been called the only true bisexual man that my friends have ever met. I think this is because I only want to love women but find men to be fun toys. I am not nor will I ever be gay. I have never gone through a "gay period." There certainly have been times where I had more sex with men then with women (lately!), yet I still seek women all of the time. I have had sex with something like 300 people in my life, half men and half women (very safe I must add), yet I have never been attracted to a man (well, there is this guy with a 9 incher that I'm wild about, but only because of his size). Being bi is tough because straight people think you are a freak and gay people think that you are confused. I get more discrimination from gay people then I do from straight people. Lots of guys give me big time shit because I still have sex with women. They say things like I am gay but in denial. That bothers me because sex is a pure form of pleasure, natural, and just because I chose to be pleased by both doesn't mean that I deny anything. I accept it all. Fortunately I am with a girl now that loves to watch me have sex with men, and she is bi too. Bisexuality still seems to be in the closet more with homosexuals then it is with heterosexuals. Whatever, I get what I want to get and to hell with those that think it's wrong to have sex!

Tim

[bedazzle]

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i really like this!!! i can relate, though ive experienced this during my junior years in college.. im inspired! now i will stop denying what i want! GURLZ! :female:

[the sacred night]

Oh. My. God.

I have identified myself as bisexual for about 2 years now and have been so disgusted with the gay community's total dismissal of us, but have been trying to get involved with the community anyway because I didn't think there was such a thing as a bisexual community until this very day. I just want to say THANK YOU with my whole heart to the author of this article, because it described my life to a T, and to the creators of this site, because even though I knew realistcally there were other bisexuals *somewhere* on Planet Earth, I really feared I would never meet any. This is The. Greatest. Stie. Ever.

[Northwest again]

By Heather Childs

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author17.jpgThe first time I realized that I had a crush on a girl, it was too much for my twelve-year-old brain to handle, so I promptly filed the information under “deal with later.” I mean, I liked boys. I really liked boys. I was even occasionally described as “boy crazy.” What did it mean that I had a massive crush on a girl? I didn’t think about this again until six years later when I embarked on an intense sexual relationship with my (female) best friend. I was still thinking, “But I like boys! I really like boys!”

My confusion is not uncommon. As guilt-inducing as first same-sex experiences frequently are, for young people who have never found themselves attracted to the opposite sex there is often an accompanying feeling of relief or recognition—a “this feels right.” When you’ve spent your childhood knowing that something was different about you because you had no interest in the opposite sex, realizing (or confirming) that you are gay or lesbian makes things simpler, although not exactly easy.

But it isn’t as easy for those of us who find ourselves attracted to both men and women. We may take a lot longer to come out or even become aware of our attraction to the same sex, because it doesn’t necessarily occur to us to examine our feelings towards them. Why go looking to complicate things when the status quo is working for you? Chrystie, 19, said, “I had always liked guys, so when I realized that I was also into girls, it was kind of a surprise. I’d never wondered about my sexuality until that moment.” For me, it took a couple of months of having an zealous relationship with a girl, continuing to crush on boys, thinking about past crushes on girls, and reading books about sexuality before I understood there was a word for this dual attraction, and that it did indeed apply to me. The word was bisexual.

Bisexuality is not an easy identity to adopt. Some folks identify as bisexual before ultimately coming out as lesbian or gay, which means that it’s difficult to know if someone is “truly” bisexual or “in a phase.” Bisexual is often a safer identity position than gay; your parents can still hold out hope that you’ll meet a nice girl/boy, get married, and have 2.5 children. However, this transitional bisexual identity leads people, both straight and gay, to conclude that “real” bisexuality doesn’t exist. Folks who are only attracted to one sex seem to find it hard to believe that someone could be genuinely attracted to more. They tell us it’s just a phase, or ask us if we’re still bisexual. A gay male acquaintance responded to my irritated “yes” to this question with, “Yeah, I know. I was bisexual for a while, too.”

For a young person trying to come to grips with a new sexual orientation, this dismissal from supposed allies is extremely discouraging. There is a lot of pressure to pick a side. As for coming out, it seems much easier to explain to parents that you’re just not attracted to the opposite sex than to explain that while you could, in theory, lead a “normal” heterosexual life, you’re also attracted to the same sex and are just as likely to be a sexual deviant. Josh, 18, after struggling with his attractions to boys for a few years, found himself interested in a girl and wondered, “Why did I have to go through all this if I could just be attracted to girls?” However, just because he liked a girl didn’t mean that he could just abandon his feelings for boys, which were still there.

Invisibility is one of the biggest issues facing bisexual youth. There are few bisexual role models, and those that do exist are frequently defined by the gender of their current partner. Historical figures known to have slept with both men and women are generally co-opted by the queer community as lesbian or gay figures, and since we don’t know how they might have identified, can we really claim them as bisexuals? Sexual orientation was not constructed in the same way that it is now; words like homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual are relatively recent inventions. The need to label and construct one’s identity relative to that label has not always been so strong.

Part of what’s difficult about bisexual identities is that they are not static. Many bisexual folks describe their identities as fluid; there may be many times when they find themselves more attracted to woman and times when they find themselves more attracted to men. It’s rare that anyone is always equally attracted to both men and women in a 50/50 split. Even if it were, such a thing is impossible to quantify, despite my landlord’s assertion that I am a “true” bisexual – “I’ve seen who comes out of your bedroom!” he quips. Fluidity can make it difficult to be sure of your orientation. When you’re struggling to prove that you’re not just going through a phase, but worried that you might be, a swing to either side can be harrowing. I’ve known many bisexual youth who’ve breathed a sigh of relief and said, “No, I think I’m actually just attracted to girls” and then had to recant when a cute boy walked by.

“I wonder if I’m just jealous of other women’s bodies,” says Katie, 21. “Women are so sexualized in the media that it seems normal to look at them and think about how sexy they are. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s attraction and what’s social conditioning. Sometimes I can’t tell if I want to have sex with somebody or to BE that person.”

Forming an identity is a terribly important part of life for young people today. We constantly search for ways to present our identities to others. Whatever aspects of ourselves we share will be the aspects that define us to those we know. Changes or fluctuations, especially around sexuality, seems hard to understand and hard to believe.. “When I told my friends that I thought I was gay,” says Josh, “they accepted it. But when I talked to them about also being attracted to girls, they just said ‘nah, you’re gay’ and didn’t want to hear about it.” Learning to cope with shifting attractions and relationships is probably one of the most difficult parts of growing up. Adults who come out as bisexual frequently do so from a context of having sexual experience and (one hopes) confidence. Bisexual youth attempt to explore their sexuality in an atmosphere of guilt, repression, fear, pressure, and ineptitude. It’s hard to relax and enjoy sex when you’re not sure what you’re doing and you think that your parents will be coming home soon. Young people don’t usually have the skills to negotiate what’s comfortable and what’s not, and frequently have the paralyzing fear of “what if I don’t do what this person wants and nobody else ever wants to sleep with me?” Sexual approval is a strong motivator for young folks trying to build self-esteem and establish themselves as sexual beings.

So what’s a bisexual youth to do when their identity is fluid and suspect? How does one avoid the pressure to choose a side? What if it is all a phase?

The first and most important step is to accept yourself. Figure out what you need to feel comfortable with yourself and your attractions. Our society gives us very few options about what attractions are acceptable, and you are not the only one having feelings that you think you shouldn’t be having.

Finding community is a big help for a lot of people. It’s nice to know that you’re not the only person in a situation like yours. Community can mean a lot of different things—you may want to have close friends who are also bisexual, you may want to interact with other bisexuals on the internet (in chat rooms, or on sites like this one), or you might attend a support group for bisexual youth. While you will probably be unable to associate only with bisexual people, minimizing the presence of biphobic individuals in your life will make a big difference. Having a bi-positive community can keep you feeling positive about your attractions, remind you that you are not alone, and confirm that your identity does indeed exist.

There are many queer communities on the internet, but bisexual-specific ones are a bit harder to find. An internet search for “bisexual youth” may bring up some good leads – but here are a couple that I’ve checked out.

Youth Resources (http://www.youthresource.com/living/bi.htm), a project of Advocates for Youth, has young people’s stories about being bisexual, a pamphlet for youth who think they might be bi, and peer educators whom you may email for advice. It also has a lot of great information about negotiating relationships, living as a queer person, being a queer youth of colour, and dealing with sexuality and faith issues. Definitely worth checking out!

Temenos (http://www.temenos.net/youth/bi.shtml) “the progressive LGBTI community online” has a bisexual youth section, as well as both bisexual and youth sections. Lots of resources for folks of colour, links to the bisexual youth webring, articles about bisexual youth, links to queer movies and books, and lots of tips for health, faith, family, relationships, and activism.

The Bisexual Resource Centre (http://www.biresource.org/) is a great starting point for any bi person looking for more information. You will find bisexual news, book reviews, listings of support groups, pamphlets, conference listings, reports on studies, volunteer and job opportunities, and all kinds of bi merchandise if you feel the need to wear your sexuality on your t-shirt. It also has an info page called “I Think I Might Be Bi” (http://www.biresource.org/pamphlets/mightbebi.html).

It’s not terribly easy to find many online communities for bisexual youth…most youth groups or sites have a broader LGBT mandate (which sometimes lists the “B” but doesn’t actually talk specifically about bisexuality) or else are not age-specific, or are even youth-exclusive because they’re intended for adults. If you know of specific groups for bi youth, please feel free to comment and let us know!

When you do find yourself in situations that are not bi-specific or bi-positive, be selective about coming out. Your sexual orientation is your business, and the only people who need to know are the people that you want to know. If you feel good about talking to someone about bisexuality, that’s cool, but you don’t have to educate everyone about the subject. People can do their own work.

After my first girlfriend and I broke up, I found myself wondering if bisexual was really the right identity for me. I still liked boys. I mean, really liked boys. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel that way about another girl. But my attraction to my first girlfriend was real; our relationship was real. Even if I was never attracted to another woman, I would still be bisexual.

Of course, since then I’ve found myself attracted to and in relationships with several other girls, all the while still liking (really liking) boys. And after twelve years of identifying as bisexual, the “phase” hasn’t passed. The only thing that’s really changed is that now I have a much better idea of how to deal with it when I have a crush on a girl.

(c) Copryight 2006 Heather Childs

Heather spends her time watching Godzilla movies, knitting, playing with little plastic dinosaurs, and trying to find new and exciting ways of improving people's self-esteem and comfort with their sexuality.

Wonderful piece. Intelligent, insightful and real. Thank you! and (go go godzilla).

[miss_understood]

Very good article! I like how positive and encouraging it is. It also reminds me of my first female crush. I was fifteen and really shy, and she was really beautiful and all of the boys tried to get to her. Then I later found out that she, in fact, was a lesbian! However, I found this out at the end of my junior year and by senior year she was with another girl. :( That's one of the many issues I had that year that led me to a nervous breakdown. :banghead:

[The_Wall]

Thank you so much for the article! I started realizing that I was bi when I was about 14, but it became confusing as I would go through times attracted to boys and other times to girls. I would become convinced I was straight, then convinced I was gay, then just threw up my hands and gave up.

[rockrockpaperrock]

I fooled around with my best friend when we were younger (think 10), but neither of us really knew what was happening and why we wanted to do it, and ever since I've tried to deny my attractions towards women... I mean I really really really like guys, but lately especially I've been fantasizing about women... but now after reading this article I've come to accept that I am bisexual. :bigrin:

[OneLove25]

this article helped out a lot. i mean im just as confused as ever. i like guys, but i cant help to be attracted to girls as well. the hard part about it is that i dont feel like my friends would accept me for that, and its so hard to meet new people in my area. =[

[snakkie]

damn.. this was the best bisexual article (that i read in the whole internet).
When i read some things i said to myself: "yeah, i feel like that!" that transmitted a great feel of proximity.

this lines are so applicable to me!:

"It’s hard to relax and enjoy sex when you’re not sure what you’re doing..."
"...frequently have the paralyzing fear of “what if I don’t do what this person wants and nobody else ever wants to sleep with me?” Sexual approval is a strong motivator for young folks trying to build self-esteem and establish themselves as sexual beings."

[seena]

Usually when people talk about peer pressure though, they are talking about the bad things that young people can feel pressured into doing. Positive peer pressure Peer pressure can influence people to do more positive things, like taking up a sport or musical instrument because your friends are into it. Negative peer pressure Often though, peer pressure is a term used to describe negative things we feel pressured into doing because class mates, work mates or other people in our lives .

[DustyKatt]

As a girl just turning 18, I know exactly what youre talking about in your article. In my head, its so easy for me to understand now: I like guys, I like girls. But when I was younger it was so hard to get, especially since I tend to lean more toward guys right now. And then it was even more annoying because when I did tell my friends, who are mostly guys, they either thought I was just trying to get attention or they went straight to the classic 'omg two girls together' thing. And my mom just doesnt seem to get it. I mean, when I finally got the courage to tell her, my mom, the liberal Democrat, immediately said, "Well, as long as you dont marry a woman." Not only did it shock me, it hurt, because even though I know its not an issue now, it could become one.

[Thomas_The_Rhymer]

As a girl just turning 18, I know exactly what youre talking about in your article. In my head, its so easy for me to understand now: I like guys, I like girls. But when I was younger it was so hard to get, especially since I tend to lean more toward guys right now. And then it was even more annoying because when I did tell my friends, who are mostly guys, they either thought I was just trying to get attention or they went straight to the classic 'omg two girls together' thing. And my mom just doesnt seem to get it. I mean, when I finally got the courage to tell her, my mom, the liberal Democrat, immediately said, "Well, as long as you dont marry a woman." Not only did it shock me, it hurt, because even though I know its not an issue now, it could become one.

I hear you, just turning 19 I have just accepted that I am bisexual and allowed myself to be free. When I told my mother she said, "well you can sleep with who you like just marry a woman and give me grandchildren when you are older..."

Awesome article by the way, thank you for posting it!

[Jackjaundice]

I think the most prominent conflicts for all youths, who feel or know themselves bisexual, is the necessity for duality (passive/aggressive, male/female, etc) or the whole social obligation of choosing a side. It works that way in governments from the very beginning of the first sovereign power that came together and understood that they had to create a side. With this, I think that history as an organism has grown as such that it educates us with an understanding that in an individual/citizen participating in the world has to pick a side within the confines of his/her environment, ie exclusive attraction to one sex or the other.

This is also why many gay activists of experience have hammered down on bisexual identity, as it undermines the idea of competition between homosexual identity and the accepted norm. Bisexuality is typically crushed under an ongoing stress to choose a side or an already present and idealized identity. But this might just be a rationalization and I have therefore steered away from assuming identities at all (actually, I enjoy thinking of myself as a writer, so I say that). In any case, as a youth of 23 who sees himself in this way, I cannot help but understanding the world in this way and thereby understanding my sexuality in this way.

As Treebeard said: "I am on no body's side, for no body is on my side."

[CatherineT]

that is a great article,,she hit how i felt growing up right on the nose,,,

[usa1981]

By Heather Childs

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author17.jpgThe first time I realized that I had a crush on a girl, it was too much for my twelve-year-old brain to handle, so I promptly filed the information under “deal with later.” I mean, I liked boys. I really liked boys. I was even occasionally described as “boy crazy.” What did it mean that I had a massive crush on a girl? I didn’t think about this again until six years later when I embarked on an intense sexual relationship with my (female) best friend. I was still thinking, “But I like boys! I really like boys!”

My confusion is not uncommon. As guilt-inducing as first same-sex experiences frequently are, for young people who have never found themselves attracted to the opposite sex there is often an accompanying feeling of relief or recognition—a “this feels right.” When you’ve spent your childhood knowing that something was different about you because you had no interest in the opposite sex, realizing (or confirming) that you are gay or lesbian makes things simpler, although not exactly easy.

But it isn’t as easy for those of us who find ourselves attracted to both men and women. We may take a lot longer to come out or even become aware of our attraction to the same sex, because it doesn’t necessarily occur to us to examine our feelings towards them. Why go looking to complicate things when the status quo is working for you? Chrystie, 19, said, “I had always liked guys, so when I realized that I was also into girls, it was kind of a surprise. I’d never wondered about my sexuality until that moment.” For me, it took a couple of months of having an zealous relationship with a girl, continuing to crush on boys, thinking about past crushes on girls, and reading books about sexuality before I understood there was a word for this dual attraction, and that it did indeed apply to me. The word was bisexual.

Bisexuality is not an easy identity to adopt. Some folks identify as bisexual before ultimately coming out as lesbian or gay, which means that it’s difficult to know if someone is “truly” bisexual or “in a phase.” Bisexual is often a safer identity position than gay; your parents can still hold out hope that you’ll meet a nice girl/boy, get married, and have 2.5 children. However, this transitional bisexual identity leads people, both straight and gay, to conclude that “real” bisexuality doesn’t exist. Folks who are only attracted to one sex seem to find it hard to believe that someone could be genuinely attracted to more. They tell us it’s just a phase, or ask us if we’re still bisexual. A gay male acquaintance responded to my irritated “yes” to this question with, “Yeah, I know. I was bisexual for a while, too.”

For a young person trying to come to grips with a new sexual orientation, this dismissal from supposed allies is extremely discouraging. There is a lot of pressure to pick a side. As for coming out, it seems much easier to explain to parents that you’re just not attracted to the opposite sex than to explain that while you could, in theory, lead a “normal” heterosexual life, you’re also attracted to the same sex and are just as likely to be a sexual deviant. Josh, 18, after struggling with his attractions to boys for a few years, found himself interested in a girl and wondered, “Why did I have to go through all this if I could just be attracted to girls?” However, just because he liked a girl didn’t mean that he could just abandon his feelings for boys, which were still there.

Invisibility is one of the biggest issues facing bisexual youth. There are few bisexual role models, and those that do exist are frequently defined by the gender of their current partner. Historical figures known to have slept with both men and women are generally co-opted by the queer community as lesbian or gay figures, and since we don’t know how they might have identified, can we really claim them as bisexuals? Sexual orientation was not constructed in the same way that it is now; words like homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual are relatively recent inventions. The need to label and construct one’s identity relative to that label has not always been so strong.

Part of what’s difficult about bisexual identities is that they are not static. Many bisexual folks describe their identities as fluid; there may be many times when they find themselves more attracted to woman and times when they find themselves more attracted to men. It’s rare that anyone is always equally attracted to both men and women in a 50/50 split. Even if it were, such a thing is impossible to quantify, despite my landlord’s assertion that I am a “true” bisexual – “I’ve seen who comes out of your bedroom!” he quips. Fluidity can make it difficult to be sure of your orientation. When you’re struggling to prove that you’re not just going through a phase, but worried that you might be, a swing to either side can be harrowing. I’ve known many bisexual youth who’ve breathed a sigh of relief and said, “No, I think I’m actually just attracted to girls” and then had to recant when a cute boy walked by.

“I wonder if I’m just jealous of other women’s bodies,” says Katie, 21. “Women are so sexualized in the media that it seems normal to look at them and think about how sexy they are. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s attraction and what’s social conditioning. Sometimes I can’t tell if I want to have sex with somebody or to BE that person.”

Forming an identity is a terribly important part of life for young people today. We constantly search for ways to present our identities to others. Whatever aspects of ourselves we share will be the aspects that define us to those we know. Changes or fluctuations, especially around sexuality, seems hard to understand and hard to believe.. “When I told my friends that I thought I was gay,” says Josh, “they accepted it. But when I talked to them about also being attracted to girls, they just said ‘nah, you’re gay’ and didn’t want to hear about it.” Learning to cope with shifting attractions and relationships is probably one of the most difficult parts of growing up. Adults who come out as bisexual frequently do so from a context of having sexual experience and (one hopes) confidence. Bisexual youth attempt to explore their sexuality in an atmosphere of guilt, repression, fear, pressure, and ineptitude. It’s hard to relax and enjoy sex when you’re not sure what you’re doing and you think that your parents will be coming home soon. Young people don’t usually have the skills to negotiate what’s comfortable and what’s not, and frequently have the paralyzing fear of “what if I don’t do what this person wants and nobody else ever wants to sleep with me?” Sexual approval is a strong motivator for young folks trying to build self-esteem and establish themselves as sexual beings.

So what’s a bisexual youth to do when their identity is fluid and suspect? How does one avoid the pressure to choose a side? What if it is all a phase?

The first and most important step is to accept yourself. Figure out what you need to feel comfortable with yourself and your attractions. Our society gives us very few options about what attractions are acceptable, and you are not the only one having feelings that you think you shouldn’t be having.

Finding community is a big help for a lot of people. It’s nice to know that you’re not the only person in a situation like yours. Community can mean a lot of different things—you may want to have close friends who are also bisexual, you may want to interact with other bisexuals on the internet (in chat rooms, or on sites like this one), or you might attend a support group for bisexual youth. While you will probably be unable to associate only with bisexual people, minimizing the presence of biphobic individuals in your life will make a big difference. Having a bi-positive community can keep you feeling positive about your attractions, remind you that you are not alone, and confirm that your identity does indeed exist.

There are many queer communities on the internet, but bisexual-specific ones are a bit harder to find. An internet search for “bisexual youth” may bring up some good leads – but here are a couple that I’ve checked out.

Youth Resources (http://www.youthresource.com/living/bi.htm), a project of Advocates for Youth, has young people’s stories about being bisexual, a pamphlet for youth who think they might be bi, and peer educators whom you may email for advice. It also has a lot of great information about negotiating relationships, living as a queer person, being a queer youth of colour, and dealing with sexuality and faith issues. Definitely worth checking out!

Temenos (http://www.temenos.net/youth/bi.shtml) “the progressive LGBTI community online” has a bisexual youth section, as well as both bisexual and youth sections. Lots of resources for folks of colour, links to the bisexual youth webring, articles about bisexual youth, links to queer movies and books, and lots of tips for health, faith, family, relationships, and activism.

The Bisexual Resource Centre (http://www.biresource.org/) is a great starting point for any bi person looking for more information. You will find bisexual news, book reviews, listings of support groups, pamphlets, conference listings, reports on studies, volunteer and job opportunities, and all kinds of bi merchandise if you feel the need to wear your sexuality on your t-shirt. It also has an info page called “I Think I Might Be Bi” (http://www.biresource.org/pamphlets/mightbebi.html).

It’s not terribly easy to find many online communities for bisexual youth…most youth groups or sites have a broader LGBT mandate (which sometimes lists the “B” but doesn’t actually talk specifically about bisexuality) or else are not age-specific, or are even youth-exclusive because they’re intended for adults. If you know of specific groups for bi youth, please feel free to comment and let us know!

When you do find yourself in situations that are not bi-specific or bi-positive, be selective about coming out. Your sexual orientation is your business, and the only people who need to know are the people that you want to know. If you feel good about talking to someone about bisexuality, that’s cool, but you don’t have to educate everyone about the subject. People can do their own work.

After my first girlfriend and I broke up, I found myself wondering if bisexual was really the right identity for me. I still liked boys. I mean, really liked boys. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel that way about another girl. But my attraction to my first girlfriend was real; our relationship was real. Even if I was never attracted to another woman, I would still be bisexual.

Of course, since then I’ve found myself attracted to and in relationships with several other girls, all the while still liking (really liking) boys. And after twelve years of identifying as bisexual, the “phase” hasn’t passed. The only thing that’s really changed is that now I have a much better idea of how to deal with it when I have a crush on a girl.

(c) Copryight 2006 Heather Childs

Heather spends her time watching Godzilla movies, knitting, playing with little plastic dinosaurs, and trying to find new and exciting ways of improving people's self-esteem and comfort with their sexuality.
I always liked boys to I was not popular and I never dated during high school. The thing is that I would never have thought of having a girl friend. This is because I know my father would have hit the roof and I would have been way to shy about asking a girl to be my girl friend. Their were a few girls I liked but they had boyfriends and I would never approched them. Really even for the guysvI liked I basically wrote notes to them. The only guy I have dated was in college/university and it was only like two dates he counted it as one. I am still confused about if Bi-Ceripus or Bi.I am sure that I am attracted to men and some to women. I have still not actually dated a women.

[MaddiMirage]

This is very interesting. Although I understand why these issues exist for bisexuals, this is why I dislike the fact that gay, lesbian and bisexual become labes, identities. Heterosexual is not an identity in the public eye; although I am scientifically bisexual, that's why I don't identify myself as bisexual. To me, you just love who you love. You're just attracted to who you're attracted to. In my life, I've been attracted to as many females as males. But I when I have to tell people something, I tell them I like both men and women. Why do we have to identify ourselves as anything? We shouldn't feel ashamed about our sexuality, but we shouldn't have to pin it down to such a specific label, either. You just "love who you love"! I tell people I like both genders, and they say, "So you're bi." Well, scientifically, yes. But I don't like to be identified as that. Nobody walks around calling themselves heterosexual. Nobody feels the need to identify themself as heterosexual; it doesn't define who they are as a person. Being bisexual scientifically doesn't define me as a person. I think we get too hung up on the label. Why does it matter? Let yourself feel attracted to whoever you want. The rest works itself out.

[Original_hobbit]

This story mirrors mine so much I did a double take. I was "Boy Crazy" all throughout middle school, and suddenly this girl appeared and I fell ridiculously hard for her. I buried the feelings (in a "to deal with later" folder, as you put it) and the feelings i had for girls didn't resurface with the same strength until a few years later, and I was forced to rethink everything about myself. I kept telling myself that I liked boys, reassuring myself, and it was true, I just happened to like girls too. It took me months to find out about bisexuality (I had to do Internet searches in secret, things like that, I was a sheltered kid). I had help from friends. And I learned that I had settled into a group of kids who were mostly LGBT identified without even knowing it. Yeah, I got jokes about "choosing a side" but they were just that, jokes, and my friends made things a lot easier for me. So, right now I can say that I am a proud bisexual, and that I am living proof that this sexuality exists.

[EJsHab]

Bumping this up, does anyone know the part number of this bearing and seal or where to get them? Thanks

[SilkyHoseLover]

Bumping this up, does anyone know the part number of this bearing and seal or where to get them? Thanks

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