Comming Out - Why and Why Not?

[Herbwoman39]

I'm curious to know your opinions regarding the whole "comming out of the closet" issue. I have seen several different takes on the subject but I'm really interested to know why someone would come out and why they would not.

Personally, having only been consciously aware of my bisexuality for 18 months, it took me some time to get comfortable with the revelation that I like certain women as well as men. My reasons for wanting to come out to my friends and family are mainly because I am politically active and I don't want them to find out through the press. If I were not planning on being politically active, probably the only person that would know would be my husband.

In this age of bisexual invisibility, do we have a responsibility to our community to be visible? Is our responsibility to protect our loved ones from those who are bi- and homophobic by keeping our sexuality secret? Where do you stand?

[Diane54]

I could never tell my family, the scorn and ridicule would be unbearable. I am already of concern to them as I am on my way to hell because I no longer go to church, and am living with a guy. My friends know and telling them was a way of explaining my comments about women and men. I got wierd looks until I told them I am bisexual, they then said "that explains it then." I can be comfortable with my friends and I have not been comfortable with my family for a very long time. Friends accept you as you are - family tries to force you into what they want.
:2cents:

[ScifiBiJen]

What a great topic.

I am also a newly-realized bisexual... less than 10 months actually. I would LOVE to be able to come out entirely. Since this is still so new for me, I really get a lot out of being able to tell people about who I am... it really helps me to get better comfortable with accepting myself. I am a college student, so I'm out to my friends at school which really helps me to feel like I can be myself.

On the other hand, (something I mentioned in another thread) my parents would more than likely NOT be ok with this part of me. I love my father and I know he loves me, but he has told me that he believes GLBT people "really have something wrong with them." I've seen/ heard of too many of my friends get kicked out of the homes, families because they came out (that happening to ANYONE is too many). Even if that doesn't exactly happen to me, I'm not prepared for the fallout with my family, no matter its extent, emotionally or financially .... as a college student, I don't have anywhere else to live when I'm not at school and I REALLY can't support myself rite now. So i'm still closetted at home. This leads to a lot of depressive states, guilt, fear and overall compartmentalizing my bisexuality ... but not much else I can do at this point, until I'm married / financially independent.

To answer your questions, no I don't think we owe it to the community to out ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I do a lot of activism/outreach in my own way. I'm very very involved in my college's GLBT activism organization (my parents think it's a "Diversity Club" ... which isn't quite a lie). I think it's important that those of us who ARE out to be role-models/speakers/activists for the cause in what way is best for them. But I can't throw myself out of the closet just to help the community. I do my part in other ways and outting myself will only hurt me (and my ability to do that) rite now.

:flag1:

[DiamondDog]

I am pretty open about being queer/bi/not het.

I have told most of my immediate family except for my dad and my grandparents but I'm sure they'd both be OK with it as my aunt and my mom are. My family has a lot of gay men as friends and they're supportive of gay rights (adoption, marriage/partnership, etc.) and they know that being anything other than het doesn't make you an "abomination" and that it's normal.

I have told most of my close friends that are LGBT supportive but not my buddies since I don't think they'd "get it", and these aren't close friends so I don't really think it's any of their business who I have sex with or fall in love with, plus they gossip and while I'm open about things I think I've dropped egnough hints to them that they know I'm not heterosexual.

I see being out as bi/queer to be very important. The first man I had sex with he told me that how it's important to do that.

Most of the time I'll just let people think what they will about me since I don't really care what they think.

I use queer as a way of meaning "not straight" or as a political label, or to mean sexually fluid or not seeing sex/gender in binary terms.

I realize that not everyone can be open or out; but I'm thankful that I can be for the most part.

[jedinudist]

After 30 years of struggleing to accept my orientation, I finally found peace with who I am, thanks to my wonderful wife. Coming out was a natural, and for me- a necessary next step.

It has been absolutely fantastic.

[Azrael]

I am out to an extent, most importantly with myself. My friends know and accept me, for which I am ever grateful. As far as my family, I'm out with my mom, my sister, one aunt and one uncle. They're alright with it, all but my uncle who is a bit confused by it I guess you could say. The rest of my family I'm not really close enough with to care. It's important to me not to live under a shroud of secrecy, but as long as I live under my mother's roof I basically try to keep my mouth shut about everything. My mom's fairly understanding, but it's purely a generational thing. She asks me why I have to wear my sexuality on my sleeve and says other people don't have to make an issue of it, so why do I? It still kills me that I had a nervous breakdown and have to start over at square one with no money. I'll probably be out in like six months or so. When I had my own place I was out with everyone but lately it feels as if I'm being pushed back into the closet. I don't know, but I am out with my therapist who's incredibly understanding about everything. That I have going for me. It's screwed up, though. I mean, my family should be last on my list of people to lie to, at least my father. He's catholic, though, and extremely homophobic. Not going there if I don't have to. At least I'm out with myself.

[anne27]

I think the reason a lot of people come out is to validate themselves. To me, finding out I was bi made a lot of things just 'fit'. I felt more like myself than I ever had, once I had accepted it. I was happy that things finally made sense to me. So, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. A dear bisexual friend, now departed, told me that heterosexuals don't go around telling everyone that they are straight, so why did I have the need to tell everyone I was bi? I did have the need, though.
For the most part, the people I told were accepting and supportive. I lost one friend over it and another friendship went cold. It was worth it to me. I still am not out to my siblings, however, nor to my extended family.

[Long Duck Dong]

I am open about being bisexual....in the same way i am open about having a hiv positive sister, being a wicca witch etc etc.... i have the simple opinion that nothing a person says for or against it, will change anything

i field the various nasty abusive remarks from people, but i also find a lot of friends and people needing a listening ear and a lil counselling

within my own family fold, i am bisexual and my sister, skye, came out as a lesbian with her female partner ( since deceased ), i have two other sisters that refuse to acknowledge me or skye, a father who doesn't wanna know.... a mother that decided christian beliefs gave her the right to abuse us verbally, and a stepfather that is homophobic but has accepted me and skye

why am i OUT..... simply cos when i was finding me, I needed to be OUT in order to reach the right people to help me.... and I realised that being OUT was not a crime, not a bulls eye on my butt.... it was a new way to be and one less secret to hide in shame

i am not the B in LGBT...... cos I am one of the human race..with sexual desires, wants and needs....I don't need to have bisexual rights, I am fine with the rights I have as a nz'er, I don't need sympathy, counselling, therapy......I don't need to find myself and nor am I gonna be put in the LGBT *closet * cos tho I am bisexual, I can live a gay or hetero lifestyle.... therefore I don't belong in the LGBT * closet * I belong in the human race room

I am out, I am fine, I am happy, I am alive and I don't need anybody elses opinion about my life in order to live, love and learn

[Nara_lovely]

Yes my family now know. This was not the shock I expected: My mum's line was the best..."I always thought *Nara* needed a wife more than she needed a husband" which made me laugh!
With a brother as a Lay preacher...well...he's been pretty good about it too! My other brother is unaware at this point, simply because we are not at close these days.
My main reason for letting my family know, is because I do have an amazing girlfriend. She got to meet my parents and brother as 'my friend' first, and as our relationship developed I wanted to be able to explain what (huge smile) direction my life was headed.

Friends have known for awhile; all accepting. Some aquaintances I have made may not know; mainly because they are 'school mum' ones...a load of gossip goes on anyway, so more for the negative reactions and how that can influence the children...which in turn could hurt my kids (10 and 7 years old). No, I wouldn't stop being Me (Bi) but I do chose who I talk to about it in more casual situations.

I'm not sure if there is a situation that I would purposely decide to back my way into that closet, I can't think of one at the moment.

[Sex in Words]

What a great thread!
I think you'll all be quite happy to know that the next feature article that will be posted on the site is all about this topic. Our writer has been working hard at it...and this is a great coincidence!

Jon
Feature Articles Editor

[jamie63]

:(
my ex fiance (with whom i had a son) greatly suspects me of being bi, and absolutely detests me. She thinks i'm some kind of 'sicko', that i'm perverted, and she has even gone so far as to call me a paedophile! Not only did she (and still does) make my life absolute hell, she has also spat in my face, hit me, as well as mentally abuse me. She has even gone to the stages of threatening to tell everyone she knows - she's told a few that i'm bi - and she has even threatened to stop me from seeing my son.

In the end, i know in my next relationship that i will let the girl know i'm bi, and see where it leads. there are pro's and con's to everything, including as to wether or not you decide to 'come out' so to speak. I choose not too, especially in my job as i'm a serving member of the armed forces still, and though the UK governments policy on gay, bi & les is now open, you will not find many members of the UK armed forces (of whatever sexual persuasion) openly admitting it. this is due to the so called stigma, intimidation, bullying, and silence they (including me) would receive - i forgot to include alienation in there too!

jamie
:three:

[deletetacount123]

I haven't fully came out yet, my 2 best friends know and are fine with it.... my mom has mixed feelings about it but she did tell me if the person makes me happy, then that all she wants for me. So Im happy to know that :-)
Im just going slowly with the coming out thing

Tasha

[Confused4life]

Wow…this is an interesting one. I have just come out to myself in the last 7 months or so. Before that, I had been in denial that I was attracted to women as well as men. There are 3 people in my life that know. One of them is my best friend (who is also bi), another really close friend, and my stepmom. They have all accepted it wonderfully (I am in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman (I love you Gleeky)…and my greatest wish is to meet her face to face they know this and understand this.) They just want me to be happy. However they are the three people that I am closest too and I am kinda afraid to come out to other people in my family. I am not sure how they would react, so this is something I am not rushing. I am still becoming comfortable with this new part of myself and hope that one day I will be able to say this is who I am…accept me, or I can’t be in your life. This is hard for me to do because I am a single mom with 2 young kids. I want my children to grow up around their family. Each day that passes I am becoming more confident with myself and I am not ashamed of who I am.

[EludedSunshine]

You read my mind. I was just thinking of posting this topic a couple of days ago. So, I should offer my take on it...

90% of my memories are completely shot to hell, but I'll try to remember...
In the beginning, when I was figuring things out (like, seven years ago now...wow), I didn't talk much about it, because I tend to be pragmatic. Why say anything if I'm not sure of it, regardless of the subject? The first person I recall really talking to in detail was my then-boyfriend. He had similar feelings, so he didn't give me a hard time at all (other than the fact that he was a really possessive person). Starting probably at some point in mid-highschool, I've been fairly open. That is to say, I don't go shouting it from the rooftops, but in almost all instances I don't hide it, either.

When the subject comes up at college, I'm up front about it. My college is pretty small and relatively conservative (the students way more than the teachers, ha), but I frankly don't give a rat's ass if anyone there has a problem with my sexuality. I was a member of our PRISM group until I realized that I can't be around the president without wanting to rip her head off and stomp on it... so I did do the community thing, and I would again under better circumstances.

Home is a little different, I'm sorry to say... My parents love me to death, but they're from a different era. My dad doesn't talk about "the gays" (which is of course a blanket term) very much, but I can tell how he views the not-like-him. My mom is ultra-Bible, which I find to be more forgiving and accepting than ultra-Christian. I think that she could accept me, but it would be really difficult for her, and impossible for her to understand. My brothers and their families are more along the lines of my dad. So if I were to come out to anyone, it would be my mom.

I haven't come out to the family because there honestly hasn't been a reason. I don't feel like I need their approval/support at all (thanks to the way they raised me), and we aren't close. But bringing it up now wouldn't do any good. Despite our emotional distance, I know how much I owe them. So I try to be as benevolent and invisible as possible. If I ever got a girlfriend whom I was serious about, I would come out to my family--assuming that I'm still in the country/in contact at the time. As much as I love women (and men, for that matter), my sexuality is such a small part of me. Perhaps it appears more prominent here because of the site's subject matter, but sex's effect on the rest of my life is extremely minimal.

Do I feel hypocritical? A little, yes. I feel like I should be completely up front with everything about myself, because that's the way I am regarding most things--but then I remember that if my family knew half of what I think/do, they'd be crushed. So I tend to keep quiet about every aspect of my life. :tong: It's only my business, anyway...

I'm sorry that was so rambly. It's just really hard to explain because my relationships with the individuals in my family aren't as cut and dry as they may seem.

[strawberry8302]

I'm curious to know your opinions regarding the whole "comming out of the closet" issue. I have seen several different takes on the subject but I'm really interested to know why someone would come out and why they would not.

Personally, having only been consciously aware of my bisexuality for 18 months, it took me some time to get comfortable with the revelation that I like certain women as well as men. My reasons for wanting to come out to my friends and family are mainly because I am politically active and I don't want them to find out through the press. If I were not planning on being politically active, probably the only person that would know would be my husband.

In this age of bisexual invisibility, do we have a responsibility to our community to be visible? Is our responsibility to protect our loved ones from those who are bi- and homophobic by keeping our sexuality secret? Where do you stand?

Well personally, I feel that everyone is entitled to "come out of the closet" at their own risk. Some poeple's families may not be as supportive as others. Therefore, it would be hard for them to come out of the closet and be proud of it. With some people, you can't be too open with them, you don't want people to know too much about you, to the point where they can use your information against you. I don't think we have a responsibility to each other to come out as bi people, but to ourselves. It also isn't our responsibility to protect our loved ones, but ourselves.

[Reprob8]

One reason for not coming out to anyone else today is because when I told my brother his response was "well that is ironic" I am sure you can guess the rest of the conversation. When I said I was afraid to tell my mom he said, don't worry about it she will be fine with a wink and a nod. Seems like everytime I tell someone today they turn out to be also.

[smokey]

Personally I tend to think that the whole cumming in the closet thing...oops I meant coming out of the closet thing :bigrin: at least as gays do it is rather absurd and is more an attention getter as in.....(excitable flaming gay man, arms flailing about in the air) ....BAWWWW... look at me I'm queer ain't that great? Hohum as in no big deal. I have known gay men just like that and it is pathetic.

Think about it...who do you really need to know your sexuality or sexual preferences? Nobody except your lover or would be lover. Joe Blow in the cubicle next to you at work has absolutely no reason to know (and probably doesn't want to) unless you want to bed him.

I have always been real open about my sexual expression, but that is how I am. It was never a matter of coming out of the closet because I refused to even acknowledge a closets existence, much less went into one except to get (or put up) a coat. Ever since I knew what being bisexual was and knew that I was bi; I have been open about it and age is not a factor. I am 50 now and when I discovered my sexual preference in the early 70's, it was so much harder to be open. I remember going to a straight men's conciousness raising group and told them I was bi and they told me I was in the closet and kicked me out. I then went to a gay men's group and was told the same thing and when I refused to admit I was gay, insisting that I was bisexual, they kicked me out too. Then there were the redneck fag bashers and the like to add to the difficulties of being open. In the 70's and well into the 80's I was often borderline drag without ever crossing the line...I was very flamboyant in a deliberately androgenous sort of way. I cultivated that look and still do to a small degree.

To say that you are gay is to assert an identity, to say that you are bisexual is to claim your history.

I always tell my lovers, as for telling anybody else, it depends on two factors, whether I feel comfortable around them, i.e. are they friends, and whether I can trust them. The issue of my sexuality has never come up in the family past addled essence :bigrin: , they know I have been married and that I date women....that is all they need to know...that I like men too is none of their damned business. Now, should I start seeing a man on a regular basis, then I would eventually and casually let it slip and let them deal with it from there.

So I guess the whole closet thing for me is a rather contrived one, and is only important if you want it to be so.

[Lisa (va)]

I guess you could say that I am 'out' (though I prefer to say 'open'). Many, if not most, of the folks I enounter know, not because I think it is important for them to know but when you date both women and men it becomes obvious. Hard not to let your family know when you are dating a girl and she comes over to the house or to your job, same thing apllies to dating guys. In reality I don't go around anouncing it, I just don't see a need to hide it, so if someone asks I will tell them. My sex life is a rather small portion of me.

As far as responsibility to my community, I live in a community of vast diversities, not just based on sexual preferences. I do try to lend support to my community as a whole, such as volunteering at the free clinic to help get medical attention to those without insurance and can't afford regular medical care. Someone sexual preference (to me at least) is about as important as the color of their skin, their religion, etc.

Fortunately I haven't found negativity being bi, but to those that actively support acceptance from the majority I applaud you for your efforts.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Reprob8]

Personally I tend to think that the whole cumming in the closet thing...oops I meant coming out of the closet thing :bigrin: at least as gays do it is rather absurd and is more an attention getter as in.....(excitable flaming gay man, arms flailing about in the air) ....BAWWWW... look at me I'm queer ain't that great? Hohum as in no big deal. I have known gay men just like that and it is pathetic.

Think about it...who do you really need to know your sexuality or sexual preferences? Nobody except your lover or would be lover. Joe Blow in the cubicle next to you at work has absolutely no reason to know (and probably doesn't want to) unless you want to bed him.

I have always been real open about my sexual expression, but that is how I am. It was never a matter of coming out of the closet because I refused to even acknowledge a closets existence, much less went into one except to get (or put up) a coat. Ever since I knew what being bisexual was and knew that I was bi; I have been open about it and age is not a factor. I am 50 now and when I discovered my sexual preference in the early 70's, it was so much harder to be open. I remember going to a straight men's conciousness raising group and told them I was bi and they told me I was in the closet and kicked me out. I then went to a gay men's group and was told the same thing and when I refused to admit I was gay, insisting that I was bisexual, they kicked me out too. Then there were the redneck fag bashers and the like to add to the difficulties of being open. In the 70's and well into the 80's I was often borderline drag without ever crossing the line...I was very flamboyant in a deliberately androgenous sort of way. I cultivated that look and still do to a small degree.

To say that you are gay is to assert an identity, to say that you are bisexual is to claim your history.

I always tell my lovers, as for telling anybody else, it depends on two factors, whether I feel comfortable around them, i.e. are they friends, and whether I can trust them. The issue of my sexuality has never come up in the family past addled essence :bigrin: , they know I have been married and that I date women....that is all they need to know...that I like men too is none of their damned business. Now, should I start seeing a man on a regular basis, then I would eventually and casually let it slip and let them deal with it from there.

So I guess the whole closet thing for me is a rather contrived one, and is only important if you want it to be so.



I agree to some extent but I needed affirmation from certain people, from those people I hope to recieve silent but firm support. However I have not ordered bumper stickers, T-shirts and coffee mugs and I have no intention of yelling it from the mountain top.

[Gothmom]

I think coming out as bi is not an easy choice - nobody seems to accept us except for other bi's. I've been out for a while (about 25 years and counting :bigrin: ), and I've gotten all sorts of reactions.

I'm out to my family - as long as we don't talk about sex, everything's just fine by them. I'm also out to my husband, which was interesting at first...he had the typical sort-of-straight-man's response to a bisexual woman. I've been monogamous with both women and men, and once he figured that out, things have been easier to deal with.

Just the same, I don't "advertise" for lots of personal reasons. I have a couple of bi-pride earrings that I wear on occasion, but that's pretty much it.

[grizzle45]

Of course this is a topic I have :2cents: to contribute.
I feel very strongly about coming out and being out. For me it's the greatest antidote we have to Bi Invisibility. Bi Invisibilty is what creates misconceptions about bisexuals, especially the "they don't exist" fallacy. If ther are no out bisexuals there never will be any bisexual role models to counter these misconceptions, nor will there be any role models for younger or newly realized bisexuals seeking a way to come to terms with thier sexuality.
I do find the concept of "Outness" and even "Pride" difficult to define sometimes. I do find sometimes it's a very personal to out myself to people I don't know and sometimes I feel I putting the emphasis on the wrong thing, i.e. my sex life. But on the whole, I'm all for being Out, Loud, and Proud.!
The movie that motivated me to come out was The Rocky Horror Pciture Show and the song that made the decision for me was "don't dream it, be it"! :bipride:

[EludedSunshine]

The movie that motivated me to come out was The Rocky Horror Pciture Show and the song that made the decision for me was "don't dream it, be it"! :bipride:
Rocky absolutely changed my life. I saw it for the first time when I was 13, and still believing the horribly negative view of non-straightness perpetuated by my family and the community at large. Seeing the movie prompted me to find out more about it. On one particular site, I stumbled onto a chatroom of people from all walks of life--my first positive reinforcement of gay and bisexual people. I went in there probably every day for three years. Found happiness and heartbreak. But it was worth it. If I hadn't found those people (even though I only still talk to one of them now), I don't know what my life would be like... but I know it would be severely lacking. So thank you, Richard O'Brien, for making that movie ten years before I was even born.

[Herbwoman39]

I am SO proud of each of you no matter what your response to my initial post was. To be so open and candid is a real inspiration for me. I'm proud to be a part of this community.

Someone posted in another thread that to find a Bi role model, frequently you have to look in the mirror. From what I see here, I think that to find a Bi role model all I have to do is come here and look around. I'm surrounded by them.

[canuckotter]

My turn (been busy, sorry :) ).

I've been out since 1995. Once I figured things out, I told my closest friends first, and they were all fine with it. Including one guy who's about as much of a fundamentalist Christian as you can get -- luckily, he's a real Christian and believes in love, tolerance, and all that hokum. ;) Still friends with him. I told my brother because... uh... I dunno. I just thought he should know. And I even told my mom once because we were having a conversation about the fact that a friend of mine was deliberately keeping her residence in the dark about her sexuality (long story) and my mom laughed about it and jokingly asked me "You're not questioning your sexuality, are you?" "Nope." More laughter, then: "You're straight, right?" More laughter. "Umm... No." Car almost crashed. Note to others: Do not come out to your mother while she's driving. It's a bad idea. :tong: Anyway... I answered because I hate lying. I can do it, if I need to, and because everyone knows I hate to lie I'm very good at it. I just don't like to do it if I can avoid it. I haven't told my dad yet because... well... it's never been relevant.

As far as the rest of my life... As many people have said, I'm not "out", I'm "open." I very, very rarely feel the need to volunteer the information, but I also don't go out of my way to hide it. The way I look at it is, if guys are commenting on how hot the women around us are, I have no problems joining in -- I'll just also comment on a few of the guys around us. ;)

I can't really comment on the "social responsibility" aspect of coming out vs staying in the closet. I haven't really had time to think about it. My gut feeling is that if you do have the opportunity, it's probably beneficial to those who'll come after you; but given that there's always a cost involved in "coming out", I'm not sure what the tradeoff is.

[tigger74]

My family knows, my partner knows (love ya babe *runs over and gives Nara_lovely a MASSIVE smooch*) and my closest friends know. These people are important to me and i want them to know me. Plus i see them all weekly so it would be kinda hard to hide.......

So for me, those who you want to tell, tell. Those that don't matter as much don't. You don't have to be a flag waver to be proud/confortable with what/who you are. I am happy popping in and out of the closet at will depending on the company i am in at that moment. MY WORK MATES WILL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!! (hence the lack of photo of me)

I guess for me, my friends/family are the only people that need to know so they don't do the "what the????" when i go: "hi < insert name of family member/friend> i would like you to meet my partner *Nara* and we will be living together....." and then have to call an ambulance to ressuscitate them. :bigrin:

As for everyone else, straight people don't walk around saying "Hi my name is <insert name> and i am straight" so why should i need to define my sexuality to the world ???????? :2cents:

It is only a small facet of what makes me me; AND only affects me and my partner!!!! No-one else shares my bed, so no-one else's life is impacted by my sexual orientation!