Flakes

[Hypersexual11]

I'm hoping there might be a few guys on here that flake out on meetings. Last night, my wife and I were trading texts with a guy that I had met face to face the day before. Everything seemed fine but he kept not giving us a place to meet. He had agreed to host, as we can't. This was covered in the very first e-mail. Finally, she's dressed, I'm chubbin, and nothing, he just disappears. This is after 7 e-mails over a few days. Not like we were sneaking up on him.

When I make contact, I communicate clearly. We avoid guys younger than us. I try to establish some kind of relationship with the guy prior to meeting so he can feel free to be open and honest with us. We answer all questions honestly. I just don't get it. So..if you flake on meetings, please tell me what it is that makes you do it? What can we do to try to avoid it? What would make you feel comfortable enough to go thru with it?

[matutum]

I don't flake, I'm honest and many people can't handle that. If during an email exchange red flags come up I will requeston the person. Most people will lie, I always suggest a face to face before anything takes place. I don't trust anyone.

[by~his~side]

Hyper,
I can't speak first hand about why men do that....my hubby has never not shown for a meet.
I did start a thread about this all too common issue back in August 2009 after my husband was stood up one evening. Maybe you'll want to pull it up and read what a couple members had to say.

The connection my husband and I had made with the man that inspired that thread was as perfect as an online/email/chat
relationship could be. When my hubby came back from the meet and said the fella didn't show, I was pissed! I wrote the thread knowing the guy that didn't show would see it.
The fella emailed us and apologized. He said he went to the bookstore and sat in the parking lot and had second thoughts....didn't want to cheat on his wife. I wrote back..Ok, we can understand nerves and a change of heart but my guy was there...he could have come in and told him in person. That way my husband wouldn't have waited. And waited.

Just meeting the person doesn't mean sex to follow in 10 minutes. Or at all for that matter. The chemistry to have a sexual relationship isn't ALWAYS there. Sometimes you have the coffee, shake hands and part ways knowing this is where it ends.
And sometimes (if you're very lucky) you have the coffee, smiling the entire time because you know...you found that connection! I've seen that smile on my husbands face and it's priceless. But guys, you need to show up in order to know!!

There is a happy ending (no pun intended) to the story from the thread I mentioned above. After the no-show we continued to email with that guy because hubby and I understood his angst. And we genuinely liked him as a person. Eventually they met in person. He's become a dear friend and a pleasure to know.

Don't give up. These connections do happen. It isn't always easy.....but oh so worth it when it all comes together.
Good Luck!

~D~

[tenni]

I think that is great by his side that a meeting finally happened. Maybe, the OP will turn out the same way. I would say that there are two main reasons.
1/ false advertising and backing out after setting up a false impression. Some guy misrepresent themselves. Since the OP met with the guy that is not reason then.
2/ uncomfortable with ?
Maybe the guy became uncomfortable with a threesome in reality? It may have been fine in fantasy. Some guys may be nervous walking into a couple's lives. He is the odd man out. Other guys would be turned on by it.

Would he feel comfortable having sex with the OP and another time introduce the wife? Hopefully, he will return to email conversation for you to find out.

[NjbiGuy01]

Flakes are simply part of the "nature of the beast" in normal life and even more so in this alternate lifestyle. It's pretty ironic the number of e-mails you could send without the courtesy of a reply, the number of ads you might place and get responses from flakes, even people you eventually may meet can turn out to be flakes too. It's like life, sometimes it's not a fit, pure & simple, but the courtesy of letting someone know should be a simple, minimal expectation.

IMHO, there is no reason for simply not responding to an e-mail or text or phone message, period. That's just rude. Even people you don't think are flakes, can turn out to be flakes. I've made "friends" with people online that suddenly decide to disappear (flake-out if you will), and I used to let it bug me more in the past than I do now. Sorry, I'm done with it. E-mails, phone numbers & texts, deleted, moved-on, see-ya. Sad really, especially when you may have truly been a good friend to that person. It's ironic you can be "the anti-flake" show up when you say, have some fun, treat people right, and be treated like crap too. Yet they offer advice to others how not to be flakes...enjoy "Flakes" by Frank Zappa.

http://youtu.be/jKE3ZLj7_V8

Yes, life is truly full of challenges.

[Hypersexual11]

When I originally wrote the post, I had listed a couple reasons he could have flaked. I deleted it because it made me sound arrogant. But Tenni, you are probably right about him being uncomfortable about something. He was shorter than me, probably 3 inches. He wasn't unattractive but was very ordinary looking and had an english look about his teeth. Now, I and the wife are OK with this. We are not picky about physical looks for the most part. But, when I showed him a picture of my wife, nude in a sexy 'ass in the air' shot on my phone, he was kinda rattled and made a bigger deal than I thought necessary about how hot she is. During the texting the day we were to meet, he kept asking what I was doing to get her ready for the meeting. Mainly, how drunk is she? I think his confidence failed him. Probably best. Usually the guys that are intimidated, don't perform well at all.
Fortunately, it is getting like spring here and our inbox is full of horny guys. There must be one fucker that can show up!

[Realist]

I think a lot of people, who may have previously thought they were straight........but harbored urges for same-gender connections, are very apprehensive about their first times...and rightly so.

Especially, if they are timid, have little self confidence, or are burdened with guilt heaped upon them from their parents, friends, church, etc, etc, it could be a terrifying thing to face their first attempt at contacting someone.

When I meet anyone, like that, I always allow them to proceed at their own pace, or even back out without expressing anger, if it's too much for them to handle.

Being relationship oriented, I don't want to begin with them, if they're too nervous, or have interests that are not compatible with mine.

They might be fine with their next attempt, but if they're traumatized from the experience with me, they may never build up the strength to try again.

[jem_is_bi]

Often, the little man says yes and then the frontal cortex says NO. You just have to keep your expectations under control.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I'm afraid Jem is totally correct. Many people are in Lust with the idea of sexual pleasures, and loooove talking about, getting themselves all worked up over the idea, then jack off. Once that's done, they chicken out--their desire to play gone down the drain..uhmm pun intended.. lol
It happens all the time, Love. But now and again you'll meet someone who Isnt just a player, and who Will show up. It'll happen. Give it time. :}
Good luck.
Cat

[elmwood7]

I agree that Flakes are just part of this. And it happens the other way around too. I had a couple who after a dozen or so e-mails, a face to face dinner date lasting about 2 hours at which time they gave me their cell numbers and a few days of back and forth texting to try to set a day and time they just disappeared. No return text's or e-mails, no answering my calls and they even cancelled their profile from here. You can't let that stuff bug you. People are unpredictable and some are going to flake out on you.

[CurEUs_Male]

People who are trying something new are going to react differently. Yes, in some cases they can be down right rude. I can certainly understand the discomfort with having to say no after thinking yes... some just were not taught to treat others as they would like to be treated, I think we would all be a lot better off if there was less stigma of the same gender attraction, and folk could feel better about just being open and talking.
The other potential is that a cheating spouse had sudden remorse and guilt, running away from the situation to rethink. Still not the polite thing to do, but understandable. Personally I won't do more than social interactions with people that are not open to their spouse. Too much there to have to own for someone else. My wife knows my attractions, I share what she wants to hear, we are social with those I meet and consider playing with, so from my side there is less drama to worry about.

[Meliss]

I tend to think that people often have mixed motivations for various things in life. We all balance the pros and cons of everything. To this day I am amazed and fascinated that other people can have a desire for intimate pleasure as intense as I do.

It can be bit scary to act on buried passions and fantasies. Not only can you have doubts about a meeting even if just personal safety issues, but the person may not even know what they want their future to be after acting on these desires. I constantly wonder about what would happen in my future if I let my genie out of her bottle.

I am glad to read that people realize that flaking tells you more about the other person than it reflects on you.

meliss

[Drunk Uncle]

Hey there Hyper - I agree with most of the posters here and have posted some of the same ideas here and one other place that I've got a profile. The Flakes come with the territory. As Meliss says, "people often have mixed motivations for various things in life". I've had one guy as of late send me several emails about getting together with me and the wife. He fit all of our requirements and after several emails and seemingly good exchanges - *poof* - he was gone. I always send one last email requesting some type of acknowledgement but after that I just let it go. It can and is frustrating but I try to remind myself that what we're asking of someone can be pretty dang scary, esp. if all they've ever done with the Idea is to toss one off in the bathroom about it. There is a wealth of information about the Lifestyle both online and in books but if they've never done anything more with that than gone over to tumblr and gotten all worked up about exploring their bi-side, well, then it's probably not going to work out for anyone. I also agree with Cat that sometimes you just have to ride it out and take the sh*t with the sugar 'cause I have met some really nice people here and a few other places and the latest is a thick-cocked Latino guy that give and offers a whole bunch of pleasure. But that was *after* being invited twice to a get together with a couple of men who I'd been with before and then on the day of the get-together.....nothing. No one called / sent a text or even emailed me to explain what had happened. All I heard was were getting together again and then I haven't heard from any of them since. Stay the course, keep the faith and, of course, keep away from that Drunk Uncle.

[Plumhead2]

Perhaps in the heat of being horny, a person will agree to almost anything. I am sure that I could be capable of almost anything sexual when I am sexually amp'd up. And in that instant, if they could meet, they probably would. And at that moment, they might agree to meet. But then, when the horny feeling subsides, doubts and fears creep in and then people flake out. As Meliss said, "It can be bit scary to act on buried passions and fantasies." It would be so much easier if society was more open about sex and sexual exploring. Yeah, I know, wishful thinking!