HONESTY OR GUILT

[curiousguy05]

I am married for 16 years now, and love my wife dearly. Just recently, I don't know why I suddenly got interested in the same sex. I just recently joined this chatroom and have chatted with other men with the same situation. Most of them prefer not to let their wives know of their sexuality. And prefer to live with guilt while only a few would let their partners know of their true identity since honesty is of prime importance to them. What would you do?

[dnk6789]

If you are happily married and have kids I would not do any thing to possibly mess that up. I'm going through the same thing, I don't have a wife and family so my decision is not as complicated as yours. I'm finding there is a lot of good information here. Recommend that you be thoughtful in your decision making. Good luck.

[Herbwoman39]

I've been married for 8 years now and came out bisexual 18 months ago. The first person I came out to was my husband. After a couple weeks of reassurance that I wasn't going to leave and that I would continue to be faithful, he accepted this part of me and is now one of my best supporters. He even goes with me to pride events and my activism group, Equality Florida.

I advocate honesty in all relationships. Secrets kill a relationship faster than anything else. She's not stupid. She WILL figure it out eventually. Tell her. She may surprise you.

[Azrael]

I advocate honesty in all relationships. Secrets kill a relationship faster than anything else. She's not stupid. She WILL figure it out eventually. Tell her. She may surprise you.
Pretty much my thoughts on the matter. Wives are scary smart, plus if you love her you really do owe it to her to be forthcoming.

[tink1978]

I have to agree with Herbwoman39. Women are very good at finding secrets. I personally would rather hear from my spouse than find out from someone else. I have a different situation than most, my husband knew I was bi before we got married. But I told him that I could suppress my feelings for women and would not want that life. About 6 months ago I told him that I was having a big problem with that so he said "ok, do you want to find a girlfriend" I said yeah and he was ok with that.

Bottom line talk to your partner we sometimes just might surprise you.

Tink :2cents:

[Mrs.F]

I'm a wife (married 10 yrs.) who found out about my husband when I caught him on this site. It's pretty scary to sit down to a computer and see Bisexual.com site up. Reading everything he had posted and his profile!! That is not a way for a spouse to find out something like this. I would have much preferred he sit me down and tell me face to face. But now that it's out and I understand how he feels about men, how he feels about me and that our relationship is not going to change, I am his only supporter (besides friends on here). He told me that this side of him was just starting to come back after many yrs., he was afraid I would leave him and he would hurt me. BUT.....I felt and I still do feel this way. I had the right to know that he had been with men in his past. Being his wife and partner, I deserved his honesty. It's going to hurt her much worse if she figures it out on her own without you there to explain everything.

After all is said and done. I love my husband, I know he loves me and I have since joined Bisexual.com to learn and understand. As I have stated before in other posts....coming here was the best thing that could have helped our marriage. I grew as a person and opened up sexually. You might just be surprised at how your wife will take the news, but it's all up to you in end and how much you feel you can live with this secret and obviously guilt.

Best wishes to you!

[willbeyours2]

I am a bi husband , my wife knows about my past actually did before we married 20 years ago. It has only been in tha past year that we have come to this site. I would have to say from personal expierence if you love your wife and she loves you then sit down and tell her how you feel. It certainly will not be easy for either one of you , but communication is the key..... Talk, talk, talk.You may be surprised at how after a while things change. SPeaking for myself as well as my wife (who by the way is on this site also) our marriage has grown so so much stronger and our friendship deeper. We are soul mates.It may seem funny but we both LOVE MEN and now we can openly talk about this and hopefully find Mr. Right and sail off into the sunset as a wonderful threesome. I wish you all my best wishes on your journey.

The best is yet to come........

Bill

[smurf111978]

I think honesty is the best policy. Guilty secrets will only eat away at you inside and impact on your life. Surley it is better for you to tell your wife in your own time and way than risk being found out by accident one day. Although I guess it is easier for me to say as i'm single. I guess what I would do in your situation would be to try and work out as much as possible your feelings and what you want before you tell your wife. There are lots of helpfull people on here that will be able to advise you more than myself.

[deletetacount123]

I think honestly is always the answer.... even tho if it means hurting the person.

Me? I'll rather be told the turth than to find out on my own or hear from someone else. In a way, it tells me the person can be honest with me or not.... if I find out on my own, it will hurt a LOT simply cause the person didn't feel he/she could be honest with me.
It might be hard to talk face to face but theres nothing wrong with writing a letter.

The best part of relationships that makes it work is couples being honest with each other with no secrets between them.

I know we chatted last night, and I pretty much am repeating what I told you lol but I agree with everyone else :-) TALK to her.

Tasha

[Reprob8]

I told my wife but knowing her I had a very good idea of how she would react, she has been wonderfull about it. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Gemini25]

I think honesty is the best policy. Guilty secrets will only eat away at you inside and impact on your life. Surley it is better for you to tell your wife in your own time and way than risk being found out by accident one day. Although I guess it is easier for me to say as i'm single. I guess what I would do in your situation would be to try and work out as much as possible your feelings and what you want before you tell your wife. There are lots of helpfull people on here that will be able to advise you more than myself.

I completely agree with smurf111978 in the fact that the guilty secrets is what impacted my life for the worst. I didn't feel I could or should tell anyone, so I kept it to myself which then everything else going on in my life built on top of that to where I was always angry, unhappy, and when it got to be too much, I would explode with anger and frustration. I tried to explain it away, but it didn't solve anything. In the end, it wasn't until I completely came to terms with myself and started talking about it, that I have been more happy, less stressed and things are getting better. I've come out to friends and family with a postive feed back for the most part. There was one person that is having a problem with it so far, but that's ok. You may not be excepted by everyone, but that's ok. I must say coming to this web site was the best thing you could have done for yourself, because it has helped me out a lot. I may not post much, but it is nice to be able to read the stories of the different people on here, and more then once, I found their stories were the same as mine. So hang in there, educate yourself as much as possible. Be proud of yourself, and take it slow, and most of all Be Honest with yourself and others. I hope this is of some help. If you need to talk, just drop me a line.

Michael :flag2: :2cents:

[DiamondDog]

I personally would be honest but I am a very honest person and if the same thing happened to my partner I would expect them to tell me. I have known my interest in both men and women since I was 16, even earlier but I didn't always know what to call it.

I know a lot of closeted married bi/gay men and they wind up compartmentalizing their lives and doing some fucked up things.

Anyway I figure whoever I end up with I'll tell the person/people, long before we get to having a serious relationship, and they'd have to accept it.

[Diane54]

Honesty is the only way to go. When I told my husband he replied,"I thought so." something like this is hard to hide and you don't want her to think you are hiding something because you're cheating. Telling before she makes up a horrible scenario on her own will give her a chance to ask questions to you in stead of forming wrong conclusions.

[tatooedpunk]

I've been married 10 years, i did tell my wife a few years ago about my bi feelings we're still together but things get a bit awkward now and again. I think my wife sees this as i'm twice as likely to cheat on her, you always have to tread lightly or not at all when you choose to settle down with a wife and kids (i have a little boy)
I didn't even come out to myself till just before i told my wife

[smokey]

I gave up guilt for Lent years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself besides getting a Mr. Beer IV. :rolleyes:

[Lorcan]

i'm so glad we have so many honest people on this site.

Guilt will affect you mentally and physically. Lie all the time and you'll wind up dead of a heart attact sooner than you should.

And with a spouse, not telling is the same as lying. With other people, not telling is normal because sometimes it's none of their business. But with a spouse, everything is their business.

Wives are known for their looking into you're wallets to find phone numbers, and spying on your computer to see what you've been doing. So she'll find out eventually.

I don't lie to my husband, and especially not to get sex. i would want him to be just as honest with me.... and trusting. Be hell to pay if i found out he had done anything from SOMEONE ELSE and not from him.

[jedinudist]

I came out.

I was 100% honest with my wife before we got married, and had to come out after realizing that I am Bisexual (for a better explanation, see my coming out forum topic)

Honesty is paramount with the one you love.

My wife is the one who actually helped me accept my sexuality. She is the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met.

We are still madly in Love, and trust each other completely.

Each person must judge their own situation, but I can honestly say this: I feel so much more alive now that I am out. Life is so much better out here - it took me a loooooong time to accept who I am - I can breathe the free air out here, feel the sun on my face, and dance again.

I have hope again.

[intuit2]

if i hear "honesty is the best policy" one more time on this matter i'm gonna do something drastic. It clearly is not the best policy for all. It really depends on you, your wife, and your relationship. After finally coming to terms with my bisexuality, I cheated on my wife for 8 months...and eventually told her...not so much because of the guilt..but because i realized that living a double life was not for me/us. Actually, the guilt never got to me until after i told her...and only then because she was so understanding! I prefer to see it as being earnest, rather than honest. My take: If your relationship is based on the idea that she REALLY knows you..both of you need to REALLY know the other......and, most importantly, you think she can handle your bisexual feelings (i think most guys know deep in their heart what their wife will think)...then don't let fear get in the way of telling her. The most important thing...and take this from someone who did it the wrong way...whatever u decide...take it slow!

[onewhocares]

Hi,

I can not tell you what to do, as you are the one who knows your wife well. I can tell you from a straight wifes perspective, that being told my the man you love is far better than finding out another way. I knew before we were married that Bill (Willbeyours2) had been with other men. Now twenty years later I can look at it in a different perspective rather than at the moment. Back then, in the early days of our marriage I can tell you I worried alot. About Bill leaving me for a man, if he were not home at a given time- was he with another man. I also made a point of always trying to please him sexually for fear he would be bored with me. For I thought that I would loose him.

Now, 20 years later, what a fool I was to waste all those early years in worry. But what you live through makes you a better person, and I know know, through the help of some very wonderful people here, and the most wonderful of all is Bill, that in all reality, his bisexual cravings had nothing to do with me. It has been a long road in trying to come to grips with the years of feeling insecure about myself as a woman and I am workinging on that. Yes, perhaps there are men out there who would want me.

I remember my senior high school english teacher telling us " I must be cruel, only to be kind" I know, in this situation know the value of those words. Keeping something, this part of your life from her may in the end do you a disservice. If she is like me it is not going to change how she feels about you. This is just another part of the man she loves, the man she fell in loves with then and now.

One other thing that I think is important and not all the people on this site have the benefit of..at the end of the day Bill and I know that we can come home to each other and have someone to talk to ...no judgemental and honest and open. Many here do not have that priveledge. For that I am feel spoiled. The friends whom you can meet on this site can give you a place to call home, till you make up your mind.

Also, tell your wife, if you choose to tell her, that she is most welcome here, as there are many fine people here with whom she can talk. They were there for me and I would like to pass on the friendship they gave me.

Belle

[whichway06]

I really do not care what any one says, honesty is the way to go and I love the fact that so many on this site stood up for honesty. I told my wife that I am bi but I also educated her about the subject. I made it clear to her that I was not going to cheat on her with another guy and her response was, "what would be the difference between cheating on her with a guy or a gal?
She was very happy that I was honest with her, it has put us in a new position in our marriage. The key here is us not me or just her, a marriage is always us in all things. When someone is dishonest with their spouse they are dishonest with themselves. When you honor your spouse you honor yourself.
As for this notion that it is easier or more likely that a bisexual is going to cheat on their spouse, I do not not buy into that. In todays world it's just as easy for a guy to cheat with a woman as it is with a man.
I simply talked to my wife about my thoughts and feelings and later she did tell me that she would be ok with me having a bi friend but at this time I just do not want to but she understands what is going on in my head and I can say that given the fact that you can chat with people here on this site about who you are, nothing is better than facing the one you love hand in hand and sharing your thoughts and feelings.
I know it is scary to talk about this to the one you love but that is the one that can help you the most. Be honest, I just out of thin air said , hey I want to share some of my thoughts and feelings with you because I have a great need to be honest with you and want your input on this matter. This worked for me but all our relationships are different and we all are different people. I wish the best for you.

[hotcodynsd]

Only you know what to do, if your sleeping around on her, that is wrong and needs to stop. If you love her and the sex between you and her is passionate and real and you don't want to ruin your marriage, then keep it a fantasy and move on. Your wife and her happiness is your number one priority...
Cody

[querty]

Go with honesty, absolutly. But as the others have said, take it slow, educate yourself about how you feel. Is this a fantasy, or do you have a real attraction? How deep is it? Can you predict how will your wife react? Take your time and figure it out. If you divulge your feelings without knowing what they truely are, you may misrepresent how you feel, confusing the both of you and making it all that much harder.

Also, if you decide to tell your wife, do it sober.

[Azrael]

This is seriously a no-brainer.

[Mrs.F]

if i hear "honesty is the best policy" one more time on this matter i'm gonna do something drastic. It clearly is not the best policy for all. It really depends on you, your wife, and your relationship. After finally coming to terms with my bisexuality, I cheated on my wife for 8 months...and eventually told her...not so much because of the guilt..but because i realized that living a double life was not for me/us. Actually, the guilt never got to me until after i told her...and only then because she was so understanding! I prefer to see it as being earnest, rather than honest. My take: If your relationship is based on the idea that she REALLY knows you..both of you need to REALLY know the other......and, most importantly, you think she can handle your bisexual feelings (i think most guys know deep in their heart what their wife will think)...then don't let fear get in the way of telling her. The most important thing...and take this from someone who did it the wrong way...whatever u decide...take it slow!

I do agree that everyone's relationship is different and you have to do things as you see will be the right way in YOUR relationship. I think you were very lucky that your wife was understanding enough to be forgiving of you cheating on her. I can "honestly" say that if I found out Flounder had been cheating when I found out...he would be gone right now. I fully understand that it's scary and that you feel your spouse will not understand your feelings. However, being with another :male: or :female: without the spouse's knowledge is just wrong! My husband was never going to tell me about his past experiences or his bisexual desires coming alive again. He just assumed that I would leave him and never understand it. Well, I surprised the hell out of him and after the shock wore off I joined this site as myself to make sure he knew that I was going to stand beside him and love him anyway. Now, our marriage has gone to a whole new level and we could not be happier.

It's your opinion to believe that "honesty is NOT always the best policy" , I will not argue with you because as we have already said...."Everyone's relationship is different"!!! But it's one thing to be on this site and only fantasizing, it's another to actually make it a reality.

Just giving my :2cents: :2cents: :2cents:

[Reprob8]

I don't know if this is true for others or not (I assume it) but coming out has made our love life better because I now recognise the feelings I had before, I am able to focus on her, and I am more receptive to her feelings. certain aspects of my bisexuality turn her on also. THe only negative so far is the fact that she has an undertandable fear that I need something that she is unable to provide, I just try to reasure her the best I can.


Honesty will not provide all of the answers but denial and guilt provide none

[strawberry8302]

Well I'm not going to say what I would do, but I would definitely support those men if any one of them were MY husband. I love the idea of two guys fucking, so I'm all for it, but I think that if you guys are going to go behind your wives' backs, just be safe. I agree with the others though, honesty is the best policy.

[Reprob8]

I do agree that everyone's relationship is different and you have to do things as you see will be the right way in YOUR relationship. I think you were very lucky that your wife was understanding enough to be forgiving of you cheating on her. I can "honestly" say that if I found out Flounder had been cheating when I found out...he would be gone right now. I fully understand that it's scary and that you feel your spouse will not understand your feelings. However, being with another :male: or :female: without the spouse's knowledge is just wrong! My husband was never going to tell me about his past experiences or his bisexual desires coming alive again. He just assumed that I would leave him and never understand it. Well, I surprised the hell out of him and after the shock wore off I joined this site as myself to make sure he knew that I was going to stand beside him and love him anyway. Now, our marriage has gone to a whole new level and we could not be happier.

It's your opinion to believe that "honesty is NOT always the best policy" , I will not argue with you because as we have already said...."Everyone's relationship is different"!!! But it's one thing to be on this site and only fantasizing, it's another to actually make it a reality.

Just giving my :2cents: :2cents: :2cents:


OK, OK, I get your point after re-reading this. I forgot that are there absolutely no absolutes.

[Lorcan]

Also, if you love your spouse and don't want to cheat on her, it's best to be honest about your bisexual feelings. If you confess your lust it makes it harder to cheat. Trust me.

I once lusted over a work partner, and i told my husband right away. Then i couldn't cheat. I just brought my lust home with me.

Doesn't matter where you get an appetite, just as long as you come home to eat. :bigrin:

[kinsey_3]

And wash your hands before you do.

That or wear rubber gloves.

[FLapple]

I am having great difficulty in this area and am at a crossroads.

I have been faithful for 10 years and am sexually frustrated... our relationship is wonderful in all areas but the bedroom. He is affectionate and truly kind...we are best friends. But... I have a very high sex drive and his is almost nonexistant. He's ok with this, but I'm not. I've been very honest and open with him, but nothing has changed.

What do I do now?