Bisexual frustration

[2bi2Bboring]

I am dealing with an issue I fear many of us are, lack of sexual opportunity leads to sexual frustration. My own frustration is integrally tied to where I live. The Midwest is not a hotbed of openminded thought, or cultural diversity. In some areas of the country you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone at least open enough to at least entertain the idea of bi sex. Here is quite a different story. I am stuck here because of familial obligations and feel utterly stifled by the culture of conformity here. We come to places like this one here at Bisexual.com to widen the possibilities, but without the internet we are reduced to bathhouses and swing clubs, neither of which exactly fit our needs. The gay community argues whether bisexuals actually exist and chide us with accusations that we should all just come out of the closet and be gay. The swing community accepts and even reveres bisexual women ( the unicorn concept) and vilifies bisexual men as the scourge of the community. With these attitudes in place, neither community is a good fit for us. Being bisexual is no easy prospect, but straight people think we have every sexual possibility in the world. According to them we are fucking everything that walks and have twice the sexual possibilities that they do. When in reality we have a very hard time finding, contacting and having sex with those of like minds. The truth is, if not for boards like this we'd be masturbating constantly ( like some of us still aren't coming here specifically for that purpose) and about to explode from lack of an outlet. The jist of all this is that we are probably MORE. Sexually frustrated because we are all caught between communities and are forced to remain in the shadows of all of them. We all want more sex, or we wouldn't be here. But, we need healthy outlets to exercise our sexual needs. We need to be brainstorming and working together to create more ways to exercise our sexuality. This particular venue here at Bisexual.com is as close to a good example as I have found. It at least gives us a sense of community and fosters our need to feel like we are not alone in our quest for sexual satisfaction.
I guess what I am trying to express here is my frustration about how difficult it is to express our bisexuality. Acceptance is hard to find and expression is even harder to acquire. I appreciate this forum for its communal aspects, it's not exactly a personals site, although it would be better in my own opinion if it were more of one. We all want to find what we are searching for, and in the end it's about sexual satisfaction. But, who wants a life long search for it, what we want is the pot at the end of the rainbow, not the constant search for it. We need to foster more ways as a community for us to attain and end the constant quest. So many of us are stuck in sexless relationships and bad marriages, not exactly good paths to the promised land. Often enough, many of us are forced to lurk in the shadows and keep our sexuality secreted. I am lucky in that my own partner is bisexual as well and we are open with each other about it. But our own quest is only slightly less difficult because we aren't open as a community. How we resolve these issues is yet to be determined but we need to open discussion of how to gain more ways to be satisfied in our sexuality.

[Ja&Ve]

I'm sorry that things are difficult. I wish I had an answer for you. All I can offer is hugs and a sincere wish that you and your lady love find what you are looking for.

[Cogent]

What a sensitive, heart-felt and cogent anlaysis of the bi-world! Chicago is more open than Indiana. You may just have to travel. At least you can share your orientation and desires with your mate. There are many who cannot do even that. I hope in reaching out you connect with others.

[Gypsy_Rose]

Thank you, wonderfully put. I have no answers, but share your frustrations. At the very least, here we are not alone. I wish you luck in your journey. I wish us all luck.

[BiBedBud]

"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink!" :banghead:

[Plumhead2]

I guess one of the benefits of this website is that you can run into couples who have bi-friends and lovers. It gives the rest of us hope that some day we may find that kind of arrangement. Bisexuality is not an easy path, as you say. I wish you luck.

[Swirl]

I share your frustrations, and I need to believe that where you live right now is chiefly the trouble. Because when I look at your profile I think, "man if those two are having trouble, I may never find satisfaction". You both are lovely and your profile comments, as well as this post, read like something out of my dreams. I mean just your approach to it all. I, like you, am very uncomplicated in my desire, indeed have sought and achieved simplicity over many years of yearning, learning and expanding awareness (I'm 50 in 3 weeks). It just doesn't seem complex to me, and yet what I seek oft seems ridiculously elusive. And I live in L.A. Your comment about the single male pariah is spot on and long distressing to me since my wife is supportive but doesn't play herself. Having to explain that 'I don't need to touch your wife' puts me at a defensive disadvantage immediately and is, frankly, kind of silly to a bisexual. It's just sex, and if there is not at least a little laughing you're doing it wrong. Why, I even hear tell that some women love to watch their man engage another man, and wouldn't you just know that happens to turn me on as well. How bout that? By the way, I absolutely adore your notion that you gift each other with these experiences. Priceless!

Allow me to suggest that things are slowly getting better; press on and hang in there. We are living through a time of fairly rapid enlightenment, though it doesn't seem so at times. Gay people will come around. They have been battered a very long time and are understandably reactive. These momentous times for them will not only smooth some of the ground glass, but is ultimately good for us all. I consider us current bisexuals the vanguard of our movement (read an article in I believe "The Atlantic" just the other day suggesting that we may be the least understood in the LGBT community). So I'll comport myself as a good example even unto explaining, patiently, to fearful and curious hetero's that "your wife is safe and no, a blow job from me does not gay you make". Further, I'll never take for granted those I find who are in spirit like me and continue to seek them/you out. Nor will I take for granted that, as you so rightly pointed out, I have you because of these sites where only a short time ago we had not even this. It is getting better, but slowly.

Be well, and if you find yourself in L.A. send me a message please. Swirl.

[Visexual]

There is a bisexual thread on a forum for swingers that I've been a member of for years and it's a group of very nice folks. swingersboard.com I think you two might find like-minded couples there. Good luck, and always remember, that perfect couple is out there! :)

[void()]

"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink!" :banghead:

:kay::grouphug::wiggle2::bounce::love1::oh::bigrin ::) *placing pillow between your noggin and the wall*

[Hypersexual11]

As Visexual said, the Swingersboard is a great forum and is well managed. You can speak your mind, ask questions and not be beat up on. I haven't encountered any negativity towards bisexual men there.
I understand your frustration. I grew up in what I have named "the homophobic capital of the world". But that was back in the day. Now, I look at the craigslist ads and see like minded folks there. We are everywhere. We just get shelved by society and shame keeps us there. The internet allows escape. I know now it seems impossible, time keeps moving and frustration keeps building. My sex drive is such that I just keep searching. I keep finding what I am looking for. It's out there, just keep plugging away and now and then pound on the keyboard to us and we'll understand.

[nomorenomore]

I feel for you. 2bi2Bboring. I have a lot of frustration myself. I won't get into my story here, but suffice it to say, no sex for the past five years. Wife went through menopause, surgeries, that f---- mesh, and medications, so she has zero interest and even sympathy sex is out due to pain. I have searched around my area for like minded people, but most bi groups are in Boston or Springfield. I found a local guy on Lit, but as soon as he realized I was just the next town over, he stopped communicating. I guess it might have become "too real". I get that as I wonder if I would ever really pull the trigger. So I am left with only myself. My wife did buy me toys and offered that I could watch porn. So mostly I read stories or postings on Lit, and watch porn. I am still around an 8 as far as sexual desire goes, but my wife went from 8 to 0 in a few months and it has been that way since. Though, when I come up behind her and nibble her neck and shoulder, she still gets goosebumps and shows me. Then she gives me a big kiss and hug. That is the extent of our "lovemaking".

[norush]

Well very interesting reading from all. we understand the frustration. as we have been on this quest for a long time. we have been on many different sites before we found this one. we did come here with the expectation of an encounter or so. when you get screwed around by other sites it puts a damper on things and a sense of disgust. I the male still get on here and chat very little, mainly just every day bs. I also read forums and such, yes still check out profiles. wife is pretty much done, frustration got her idk well (pause) done. we still talk about it and she says if the opportunity came around well there is a good chance it will happen. yes we need to get to know someone first you know the story. any way, yes we found a community of understanding people and a lot of couples that share our adventure. there are about 60,000 members here. that should have the chat rooms booming. yes people come here looking for interaction. they stay a day, week, month, ect... and never return. it has been suggested on several forums to split the site to a community information side and a for lack of better word hook-up site. we understand this is a free site and somebody is paying for it. yes some of you members have donated and thank you for that. another suggestion is make it easier to search for people in you area personal ad or not. the need may be to attract the people in ways they will stay. maybe start deleting members that never come back. there are thousands of profiles of the stop ins. main reason she is frustrated and says nothing will come from the internet. sorry for the rant. well good luck on your journey.

[2bi2Bboring]

Thanks for the replies to all. Probably what spawned the original post was the fact that my wife and I just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. We walked into our relationship with eyes open and fully cognizant of the fact that we were both very,very bisexual. We have been aware of each other's sexuality from the beginning. That is a huge advantage in a relationship, one we both never take for granted because we realize so many other people don't. I feel so badly for many of our bisexual brothers and sisters who live in utter agony because they are not free to exercise their sexuality in their relationships. When we can't be ourselves, we have nothing.
Our frustration stems from the fact that attitudes in our area are based in religion and political conservativism. Our state legislature tried desperately to make same sex marriage illegal by amending our state constitution to ban it. The prejudice involved in that act is utterly unfathomable to me. Our own requirements for finding people to play with are a bit more stringent than mere hook ups from Craig's list. We want relationships rather than hook ups, friends rather than just a body part to play with. So, we realize by making these rules for ourselves that we are narrowing our own parameters for finding lovers. But we also realize, through the filter of 15 years of experience that we are making our search a bit harder. We realize our rules and parameters are not for everyone but we have been through the "anonymous sex" phase and realize we want more from our lovers. Thank you all for your support and kind words. We need to support each other, and I know the frustration that my wife and I feel is not something that is exclusive to us. Thank you for your understanding. Let's please keep the discussion going because this topic is important.

[elian]

"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink!" :banghead:

This is particularily amusing to me because one thing PA does have is some wonderful free state parks so I went for a swim at the lake yesterday and saw some very beautiful men and women at play, enjoying themselves and having a good time. Easy on the eyes, but of course I wouldn't approach anyone, that would just be creepy..

[nomorenomore]

I can relate to your frustration, 2bi2Bboring. It must be worse for you when both of you are bi and both accepting of the other and yet still......

In my case, my wife has zero interest, not men or women. She is a good looking woman, though a might slight now since that stomach bypass. I actually like a little meat on the bones. She is a very loving woman, but just no interest in sex. I did mention to her once that I was bi-curious. I told her what my psych and I had gone through and that I have never really been with a man, so the question is left unanswered. Of course, now that we never have sex, I won't even bring it up because I don't want her to feel guilty, but because of that old marriage law, I can't be with anyone else either. Who makes up these friggin rules anyway?

She wants to plan a trip for next year since we aren't going anywhere this year. She decided wine country in Cali. She said we would have to visit San Fran while there. I blurted out, maybe I could get a date. She just looked at me. Whoops. I did tell her that I watched Modern Family with her only for Cam. LOL.

I know, I am a sick pup. I am horny as a bastard and never going to get any. All I have is me and my dildo. But oh is he good.

[cuttin2dachase]

Who makes up these friggin rules anyway?

Society and religion make up the ethical and moral rules, for the most part. You are not a sick pup. I see nothing wrong with bi or curious married men playing with other bi men as long as it's just for the fun and sex of it. If you truly still love your wife and family dearly and have no desire to leave them or stop providing for them or steal time from them, it is no different than going fishing or golfing with a buddy in your spare time. Look at it this way...if your wife stopped buying groceries and cooking for you, would you starve for very long ?...or would you go get food to cook for yourself or go out to eat in order to satisfy your appetite? I am not a double standard type guy and I also believe it works the same way for wives or gfs whose men have lost sexual desire for them or neglect them sexually. Go and have fun and get your rocks off with other men on the side with no guilt or shame...just do it on your own time in a way that does not detract from your marital relationship..and don't get caught !!

[Ja&Ve]

Not a real good analogy cuttin. Going out to get something to eat because no one is cooking for you doesn't put your partners life and sense of trust at risk. Going to fuck other people behind her back most certainly does.

[Gypsy_Rose]

nothing wrong with the analogy. if your spouse trusted you to begin with and loved you, and wanted you to be happy and "allowed you" or more to the point gave their blessing to your finding satisfaction outside the marriage when you are clearly not getting it within the marriage there is no trust to be broken.

further, you assume sex outside the marriage cannot be safe. of course it can. especially when it is a celibate marriage to begin with, there is no putting your spouse at risk by fucking others if you're not fucking your spouse.

i think it's utter horse shit that we continue to be forced into unhappiness and celibacy by partners who are holding us hostage by dangling outdated religiously based moral codes of celibacy and monogamy over our heads. i've been faithful for my whole marriage, long after the sex stopped, above and beyond the fact that i am bisexual and attracted to both sexes.

that doesn't make what my wife is doing to me right. we shouldn't have to sneak around behind anyone's back. we should be able to be grown ups, and separate what may be an emotionally fulfilling relationship from a sexually unfulfilling relationship, and have all of our needs met. who says they all have to be met by one person?

[Ja&Ve]

So long as you give your partner the freedom to make their choices in the relationship then fine, do what you will. But if you take their freedom away to choose what they want in the relationship then you are no better. Your wants needs and desires have absolutely no more or less importance than theirs. If you decide together to allow your other wants to be satisfied by an outside party, knock yourself out and have an awesome time. But if your are lying to others to get what you want, then I have little regard for you. Your life of quiet desperation is your own fault.

but we digress. This is not what the op was talking about so we should take this elsewhere.

[Rose2Me]

If your spouse trusted you to begin with and loved you, and wanted you to be happy and "allowed you" or more to the point gave their blessing to your finding satisfaction outside the marriage when you are clearly not getting it within the marriage there is no trust to be broken.

Of course, communication is the key to this turning point in a relationship. One can't assume the other will be ok with it just because the sex life between the two is not satisfying, or even dead. Adults need to be adults, and if this is going to be an agreed upon point of a relationship, and the two want to remain together, then having an open, honest dialogue and discussion of "ground rules" are a necessary part of continuing a relationship. It can be done!

[2bi2Bboring]

So many of us are forced into lives of quiet desperation and deprivation. As we age, we become more in tune with ourselves. Many of us lead lives where our sexuality is dictated by the circumstances of the rest of our lives. We have religion and social mores telling us we have to conform. Then, on top of all that many of us are in relationships where our partners are no longer interested in sex or are so utterly sexually stifled that bisexuals are forced into "the closet". In my mind this is a situation of near forced celibacy, and there is as whole genre of sex toys dedicated to celibacy and chastity, but if you don't enter a relationship where it is understood that this relationship exists as a power relationship, then it is sexual abuse. I consider any non-consensual sexual act to be abusive. Now, this not may be done in a conscious or malicious way, but it's still a condition forced on a person against their will. This often forces a person outside the marriage for satisfaction of their needs. This puts their marriage or relationship in jeopardy because no one likes to be deceived or cheated on. It's human nature to feel betrayed when you find out your S/O is running around on you. But, the one doing the running around is all but shoved into a situation of sexual deprivation. In this situation there are fouls on both sides, communication is lacking most often in the first place. I agree with Rose2Me, communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Sometimes you have to cut the bullshit and talk about the problems that are being ignored. It's easy to get comfortable and complacent in a long term relationship. We feel we know our partners well enough to make assumptions of what they will and will not accept. Often when those issues are discussed we find perspectives that are completely unexpected. Sometimes both partners are suffering in silence. Communication and an active pursuit of our sexual proclivities are the only real long term fixes to these kinds of situations.
I have lived on both sides of this fence. My first marriage was a hot bed of marital strife and miscommunication. Religious morals and this unspoken Southern code of polite conduct led to massive emotional dysfunction. I tried to open up lines of communication but it was a futile effort, not even 5 years of marital counseling was able to accomplish anything more than a weekly blame fest session. Introducing my own bisexual proclivities into that mess only would have made for more cannon fodder in divorce court.
My second marriage is a polar opposite to the first, it has been an exercise in open and honest communication. There have been problems in it too, but they were reparable because we talk. We talk about everything, including sex. We support each other and we encourage each other. We make time to talk and we try hard to resolve issues that appear in our path. We aren't perfect, we don't expect each other to be either. Communication is the one thing in our arsenal that prevents us from sliding into misery and torturing each other to the point of giving up.
Honestly, I don't know how people in the closet do it. If I had to deal with secrecy and deception, I'd sooner put a gun to my head. Having to hide who you are, especially from your partner, is such a tragic thing to have to do. I think I'd rather loose what I owned and start over rather than live in a state of denial or quiet desperation. I'd crack under the weight of emotional pressure, so many do. It's more than anyone should be forced to bear, concealing yourself implies there is shame in you. Being ashamed of who you are wears on a person's psyche and is the root of sexual repression and dysfunction. It isn't healthy to repress yourself, that kind of constant stress is linked to heart disease and an early death. No thank you!
I feel bad for those of us kept as the silent desperate majority. Finding out who you are later in life can be just as tough as when you're young. But fitting a suddenly realized new found sexual self into a fully formed life can be uncomfortable enough to seem like the biggest problem life has ever presented you. It makes me sad that so many people are forced into such situations and feel they have few resources and choices. I often think, "but for the grace of God go I" but then I remember God didn't have anything to do with it, I made my choices. In the end, I had to choose to leave a dysfunctional broken marriage and seek something more. Life is too short and too precious to be miserable. It just isn't worth wasting your life, sometimes we abandon things because they are just too broken to fix. I don't advocate divorce unless it's necessary. I advocate communicating and open dialogue, it's the only way to fix things unless you have had the foresight to do what we have done and establish the dialogue from the start.

[Swirl]

Righteous rant!!!

[bopinit]

Im very frustrated as well. Im divorced, and while Ive played here and there with gals and a few guys, Im also very cautious and selective. The outlet for me is Craigslist and when I do get replies I get spooked because so many dudes are barebacking out there, having indiscriminate sex and pose as straight or bi when they are man whore gay all the way.

When I post an ad, I get nasty replies becuz Im so choosy in that Id rather have nobody for sex rather than settle for anybody just to get my dick sucked or vice versa.

I also test them in that I state our first encounter will NOT be sex, but rather meeting for a beer to see if we click....I get mocked becuz most of those dogs on there want a highly risky anonomous encounter and move along to the next random cock. I want a FWB, hang out pal/lover. Even the strictly Platonic section now looks like the Casual Encounter section

The other issue is I REFUSE to go to someone elses place becuz I know from watching Xtube that so many are being secretly recorded. If that ever happened to me, Id beat that person severely.

[Melody Dean]

2bi, I know this is an old post, but...

I'm lucky to live in one of the few blue counties of Indiana. I know there's a group of people from Fetlife.com here that meet up for casual drinks once a month or so, in addition to other less casual events. I've never been to any of the mixers, so I don't know what they're like or if there's anything similar by you. I do know a couple people who go, and they're super nice people, and I get the impression that it's not all just BDSM.

[sissy_nella]

lost lots of friends n family 'cause my desires, I've met men on street corners, via chat or other online hook ups, now I have accepted that my family isn't me, I am very happy to help push the LGBTQ+++ agenda and try to help out on pride week (which oddly for Calgary, ab, Canada is late august, Sept 2 is our parade.. ). I feel our city is pretty limited, but I don't stick my neck out much either.. I do know I left a great paying job because they were a very narrow minded bunch of idiots.

[xxxcjs]

I fell your pain I’m in the exact same situation .

[Sundazzled]

You have touched on an important point. Much the same as Indiana, Wisconsin is not known for its liberal attitudes, particularly where matters of sexuality are concerned. Since embracing my bi side some 13 years ago, I've had a very difficult time finding partners who share my specific interests. In all, I've been with about 10 guys in 13 years . . . and most of those have, regrettably, been once-and-done encounters or short lived affairs that leave me feeling used dissatisfied and sexually frustrated.

[SilkyHoseLover]

Why do political demographics have to be brought up so often, especially with the implication that being in a liberal or progressive city/state is so much more conducive to finding someone whose sexual preferences align with yours?

Granted, there are a number of places that are known to be wildly liberal or staunchly conservative, generally, but even that doesn't mean that there are not bisexuals, gays, or CD/TRANS people there. This is stereotyping at work. Stereotypes are based upon generalities, and are somewhat reflective of reality, but they are not absolute.

Fuck this red state/blue state mentality.

[CurEUs_Male]

Silky,
While the idea of red/blue should not drive our comfort, it’s been clear to me, while contemplating a few job interviews and offers, that the population follows suit with red conservatism vs blue liberal/progressive mindsets. I’ve looked across several ‘alternae’ Web sites and see little or no members or activity I. These would be potential locations. Yes, I could lead a pride parade with my binflag in the middle of rural Nebraska, but I’d feel alone and vulnerable.
Safety in community does drive us.

[jem_is_bi]

I worked in West Michigan a few years ago for 3 months.
Until, that time, I loved the beauty of that part of the state and thought it would be great to live there.
What I learned from that experience is: That as a mostly gay man with very progressive views, I would not be comfortable living there, both because of my bisexual life style and political views.
I am totally comfortable where I live near Detroit where the tolerance for diversity is much greater.