Marriage, Monogamy and Bisexuality

[AnnaD31]

New here; I'm sure there have been some discussions about this topic, but I thought I would ask anyways. My husband recently told me he is bisexual, and I am the "straight spouse". He has known for a long time, but chose not to tell me. Right now, we are trying to figure out what all of this means. He has always been more open sexually and "kinky", whereas I have been more reserved. We do have a great sex life, IMO. The issue here surrounds his admission of bisexuality. He has never been with a man. My views on marriage are pretty "traditional", in that I have no interest in opening it up to others in any way. I have always felt this way, he knew this prior to marrying me (perhaps this is part of why he did not tell me about his orientation?). He says he respects my beliefs, but also admitted that if I were to give him "permission", he would seek out a man, and he does have frequent fantasies about being with men and in threesomes.

My question is this: how many of you are in monogamous relationships, and completely happy and satisfied? Sex, marriage, and love are all very closely intertwined for me and I cannot separate them, I would feel as though I am compromising myself and repressing my own feelings (liken this to you not being able to separate the different parts of your sexual selves). Is it possible for my husband to be completely happy with just me? I would be open to fantasies and role play, I think. I ask this because I don't want my husband to be unhappy in our marriage, but I don't want to be unhappy either. Am I naive in hoping that I will be enough?

[void()]

First, remember well that open & honest communication between spouses is
vital, a key element to solving problems.

That in mind, you both need to take time and have up front discussion
regarding this. If you both agree to open up the relationship then, you
both establish "Rules Of The House" for that. And this is only if you
both agree.

If you both do not agree then, not all is lost. You may need to consider
being a dominate female at times. Look into strap on dildos and offer to
enjoy fucking him, instead of him fucking you. Not sure if you obliged
in anal sex before.

If you have, the process for fucking guys is similar to the process of
guys fucking gals in the ass. Use plenty of lubricant/s. Wash your
"toys" after each use with mild detergent, dish soap is good as long as
not an abrasive type.

Communicate, Compromise, Cuddle, Capitulate, Cherish, Love and enjoy one
another each day. When the next day comes, repeat the process as your
own discretions advise. Recall too, too many chefs spoil the soup. You
two are the ones cooking, you'll both know what goes into it and what
you each like or don't. It does not really matter about much outside of
that. Any who try suggesting otherwise, give them an out of town
ticket.

This recipe has worked for us, fourteen years hitched and sixteen of
knowing each other. Still love her & have wet dreams involving her. She
feels the same regarding me. I also dream about a love, he is such a
scamp though. ;) He comes on all gruff but is really a sweet gal. I love
him too. :) He would be my husband if society worked ideally. *shrugs*
I am working toward those ends, in various subtle ways. :) But don't
tell him that. Ooops. *chuckles*

Post Script:

As far as strap ons, they do have double ended ones.
This may be important as it allows both to have sexual
pleasures. http://www.bisexual.com/forum//images/smilies/wink2013.gif

Example "Rules Of The House"

1. Both meet potential lovers, casually but in public.
Example: Invite potential lover out to dinner in your
home town, or theirs. It can be a modest eatery, go
Dutch on the check if you like.

2. Agree that you both have to not have "bad vibes"
regarding potential lovers.
Example: I do not let my wife go with fellows which
just feel like "um, is he a total psychopath". Frankly, I
prefer my wife is not hurt, physically or emotionally.
She shares this view regarding me. So, we both have
to "green light" potential lovers.

3. Ensure potential lovers understand a) there are no second
violins b) you are not looking for an out / to leave spouse.
We also like to ensure lovers understand, we require
compassion.

*4. Assure that no one is cheating.
This one is optional & open to gray area/s. We ourselves
feel if we do not cheat, we ought not help others cheat.
This avoids drama & possible troubling repercussions.

But I am sure with your own open communication, if you two
decide opening up is the route for you, you'll find your own
Rules.

[Annika L]

Hi Anna,

First, welcome!

Second, I really recommend you search these forums for "monogamy" and read what you find. This is a really contentious issue here, and there may still be some bruised feelings around. I'm hoping that needn't all start up again with this thread...but *ducks*.

And third, I'm bisexual in a monogamous relationship with another bisexual woman. We've been together 28 years. I'll write more soon to address "completely happy and satisfied" in more detail, but in general, I couldn't ask for a better more loving partner.

[CurEUs_Male]

Anna,
You are in the early steps of a long journey. While I didn't know I was bi when I married, I was honest when I discovered it. It has been hard on her to figure out where she stands with all this, as well as us and our relationship. I've been a member of a couple support groups regarding Mixed Orientation Marriages. There are some good places for support, and some awful places.... if any of them are pushing any single agenda (Open, Divorce, Denial, Anger) consider dropping off those that are not helping. A toxic environment under a good sounding name will do more damage to your mental state than no help at all.... I've seen some ugly things out there.

Whether the monogamous options to express his Same Sex Attraction (SSA) will work short or long term is something you have to find out from him. He will likely not know the answer today, nor will he tomorrow... it is a journey, not a destination. Those ideas you listed are all fine ideas, and the only bad idea is one that makes either of you uncomfortable, or is never considered. They are ideas, talk about them, experiment.

Al

[Visexual]

My wife has actually said that she'd be OK if I had sex with men. I think that I'd be up the creek without a paddle if she found out I'd been with a woman though. I have male friends because it's the only sex I can have without the potential for drama. I could give up men too if my wife still enjoyed sex and would role-play with me using a strap-on. But, she isn't going to be that wife again so I'll probably still take care of my needs with men.

[Gearbox]

I've always been perfectly happy in monog relationships with m & f, even tho I'm not strictly monogamously minded.
At the mo am in a long distance relationship with a bloke, and are open: We don't meet often enough to satisfy our sexual needs.


Sex, marriage, and love are all very closely intertwined for me and I cannot separate them, I would feel as though I am compromising myself and repressing my own feelings (liken this to you not being able to separate the different parts of your sexual selves).
When I say that I'm not 'monogamously minded', it means that I DO separate those things. I'm not anti-anything or pro-anything, but just view things individually. Many bi's separate their bisexuality into 'gay & straight' parts, and many will separate their 'gay actions' from their 'straight relationships' too. In that sense, it isn't infidelity if you have sex with same gender.
Others may need their partners with them if exploring same gender sex, as they view their sexuality as a whole, and also their partner & themselves as a whole too.

It all boils down to how we view things: Two people can see the exact same thing, in two completely different ways.
What you BOTH need to do, is talk and express your feelings on every single aspect of 'what is acceptable'.
Stating that you have 'traditional views' won't be specific enough. Him stating that he wants sex with men, won't be specific enough either. Go into the WHY's of everything, and get to a point where you understand each other if you can.
When you hit 'THIS 'scenario' will NOT be acceptable!', you've got to say it! There are things that I wouldn't accept, and as open minded as I may think I am, I'll NOT accept them, and can turn nasty if provoked.:tongue:
Tactfulness & Consideration are your friends.


Is it possible for my husband to be completely happy with just me? I would be open to fantasies and role play, I think. I ask this because I don't want my husband to be unhappy in our marriage, but I don't want to be unhappy either. Am I naive in hoping that I will be enough?
This is really one of the saddest things about a partner discovering that they are bi. Lets face it, it's not something you were hoping for. HIS discovery has caused you to consider things that you really don't want to, and wish it'll all go away.
You MAY stop him needing another man, and you MAY not. Nobody can tell you that for sure. BUT the fact that he has confided in you, should tell you how he trusts you to be a part of his self realisation in a positive way.
That's more than enough for many!:)

[void()]

There are things that I wouldn't accept, and as open minded as I may think I am, I'll NOT accept them, and can turn nasty if provoked.:tongue:

* sits pondering this, makes a quick list of things accepted as far as he can discern ... Jello filled pool, check, lubed up rubber bin bucket, check, continues in his his list trying to think what Gear would not accept ... realizes he may be a while ...shrugs, chuckles*

[Gearbox]

* sits pondering this, makes a quick list of things accepted as far as he can discern ... Jello filled pool, check, lubed up rubber bin bucket, check, continues in his his list trying to think what Gear would not accept ... realizes he may be a while ...shrugs, chuckles*
Here's my VERY short but VERY strict list of what I will NOT accept.:bigrin::

1. "OHHH I had the best sex EVER with someone else last night. He/she was AMAZING, made me cum hardest I ever cum 6 times in 1hr and I can't wait to do that again. No, I don't fancy sex with you at the mo sweetheart.".:mad:

2. "I'd be with Bob if he wasn't out of my league.".:eek:

3. "Sorry I'm meeting Jim tonight, coz he has a bad finger and it's very important that I console him. See you next week.".:confused:

YES very petty may be? But it's the petty things that I find hardest to deal with. It's the complete lack of effort to consider what such stupid careless things may cause. MAJOR things are much easier coz a bit of effort usually goes with them.
That's all I ask for Void! A bit of effort. Not much to ask is it?:tongue:

[Meliss]

There are fantasies and there are realities. The reality is most people say over the age of 50 or so especially raised in smaller communities never even really considered their gay or bisexual thoughts seriously when younger. People such as your selves are caught up in a changing idea society with beliefs you were raised with that have probably changed some over the years.

I would suggest that you and he do things to make each other feel loved and important to one another right now. Act especially kind to one another and cherish what you have together. Make some plans together for something fun months from now. This way the fears do not over whelm either of you.

Fearful people often make hastier decisions than is necessary. I don't know why it is but many people are less concerned if a partner has same sex play, than opposite sex play. Myself I have always worried that they might find the same sex as myself better in some sort of comparison.

Feel free to chat with everyone. Some say life is short. You have to decide if your life is better with him knowing some of his secret thoughts or with another person who just might not be so honest.

hugs.

[Neonaught]

We have been married 27 years, though I only came out to her as bi 11 years ago. She has no problems with me seeing men. She knows I will always come home to her afterwards. And since I have a slightly higher drive than she does, she never gets ignored in the sheets.

[Hypersexual11]

Lots of good advise. I think though, that you know the answer, or what you want. Yes, many bisexual men maintain a monogamous life. This is mostly dependent on him though.
Living with this can be very one sided. You make the rules and he follows them or else.
Living with this can require compromise. See Neonaught's comments right above this.
Living with this can require surrender. ie strong desire for mmf, mm, etc and no ability to control acting on the desire.
Your decision will be entangled with his needs and desires and ability to control them. How badly do you want to be married to this man? If you cannot separate love and sex, and he can and does, what are the consequences?
Look, we all (or most of us) make sacrifices in life. You need to find your comfort zone and recognize his and see where the middle ground is found. This may be you saying absolutely no sex outside the marriage and no group sex within the marriage, and he may be fine with that. Be ready for him to not be fine with that, either verbally or through covert actions.

[Realist]

Anna, First thing. In your profile, you stated that you were a Kinsey scale "1" bisexual, then you stated you were straight in your post above. That's a little confusing..........

Anyway, you asked:

1. how many of you are in monogamous relationships, and completely happy and satisfied? I doubt if anyone, who has a desire to be with a same-gender person, can ever be "completely" satisfied. As a life-long bisexual, I have dealt with two monogamous marriages without cheating. But, I was severely tempted on a few occasions and lost more than a little sleep because of it. I know, if all the parameters had been in place, I probably would have been unable to resist.

2. Is it possible for my husband to be completely happy with just me? Yes, he probably is completely happy with you! You have nothing to do with his attraction and desire for being intimate with a male. Some men are open to their female partner joining him with a male lover, but many do not. Many women, who allow their spouses to have a male partner, do not have any interest in joining him. Each situation is different. To most bisexuals I've known, including me, the intimacies between him and his female partner and intimacies with a male, are completely different and separate. One may have absolutely no affect on the other. (That is if the initial connection was open and honest in the beginning) Cheating is another can of worms, completely.

3. I would be open to fantasies and role play, I think. I ask this because I don't want my husband to be unhappy in our marriage, but I don't want to be unhappy either. Am I naive in hoping that I will be enough?

The person you should be discussing this with is your husband! There are so many differences in opinions and the way each couple deals with this subject, that this thread could go for months! Every person who replies will often have a completely different opinion. What works for one couple, may be way too drastic for you, or your husband.

If I were in the same situation, I would sit down, (with no distractions) reveal your feelings and explain yourself, while urging him to reveal his thoughts, too.....then, if he can discuss his feelings, listen to him. Try to avoid any conflicts because they most certainly will be counter-productive! Getting mad, being accusatory, and not trying to understand each person's reasoning, can only make things worse.

I've learned these things through rote memory...I wasn't intelligent enough in my youth to follow my own advice and lost out on a couple of (what could have been) fantastic relationships. Yes, I repeated the same mistakes. I know better, now, and the results are; my present relationship is the best of my entire life.

It's good to listen to advice, but in the end you and your husband are going to resolve this issue yourselves. You obviously love each other, so that's the one thing that may get you through this.

Good luck, with whatever you choose do!

[Realist]

Anna, First thing. In your profile, you stated that you were a Kinsey scale "1" bisexual, then you stated you were straight in your post above. That's a little confusing..........

Anyway, you asked:

1. how many of you are in monogamous relationships, and completely happy and satisfied? I doubt if anyone, who has a desire to be with a same-gender person, can ever be "completely" satisfied in a monogamous relationship. As a life-long bisexual, I have dealt with two monogamous marriages without cheating. But, I was severely tempted on a few occasions and lost more than a little sleep because of it. I know, if all the parameters had been in place, I probably would have been unable to resist.

2. Is it possible for my husband to be completely happy with just me? Yes, he probably is completely happy with you! You have nothing to do with his attraction and desire for being intimate with a male. Some men are open to their female partner joining him with a male lover, but many are not. Many women, who allow their spouses to have a male partner, do not have any interest in joining them. Each situation is different. To most bisexuals I've known, including me, the intimacies between him and his female partner and intimacies with a male, are completely different and separate. I have been in poly relationships in the past, where we were all intimately involved during the entire relationship. However, one relationship may have absolutely no affect on the other. (That is, if the initial connection was open and honest in the beginning) Cheating is another can of worms, completely.

3. I would be open to fantasies and role play, I think. I ask this because I don't want my husband to be unhappy in our marriage, but I don't want to be unhappy either. Am I naive in hoping that I will be enough?

My theory is, if one fantasizes about anything, they would attempt doing it, if allowed to! But, really, the person you should be discussing this with is your husband! There are so many differences in opinions and the way each couple deals with this subject, that this thread could go for months! Every person who replies will often have a completely different opinion. What works for one couple, may be way too drastic for you, or seem completely ridiculous, to you....or, your husband.

If I were in the same situation, I would sit down, (with no distractions) reveal your feelings and explain yourself. Then, while urge him to reveal his thoughts, too.....then, if he can discuss his feelings, listen to him. Try to avoid any conflicts because they most certainly will be counter-productive! Getting mad, being accusatory, and not trying to understand each person's reasoning, can only make things worse.

I've learned these things through rote memory...I wasn't intelligent enough in my youth to follow my own advice and lost out on a couple of (what could have been) fantastic relationships. Yes, I repeated the same mistakes. I know better, now, and the results are; my present relationship is the best of my entire life! I found someone who can and does accept me for being who I am.

Anna, it's good to listen to advice, but, in the end you and your husband are going to resolve this issue yourselves. You obviously love each other, so that's the one thing that may get you through this!

Good luck, with whatever you choose do!

[tenni]

Anna
There has been some very good comments made on this thread and the emotional aspect has thus far not surfaced. Just a couple of observations about what you posted and others have posted.
1/ The fact that you are concerned about your husband's happiness gives an indication that you have what it takes to develop your self and permit him to develop.
2/ Bisexuals vary widely from each other and over their lifetime. What works today is not necessarily what will work for a lifetime. Then again, that is true for many aspects of life.
3/ Not all bisexuals want or need anal penetration. Your husband has not had same sex experiences and eventually he may feel a need to explore this. As others have stated you both need to learn about his bisexuality and your sexuality.

I think one of the wisest statements that I have read on this site about monogamy is that the only person that can promise to be monogamous is yourself. You can not "force" someone to be monogamous. You should not expect someone else to be monogamous. The bigger self exploration may be for you is to learn what this all means about yourself for yourself.

One person can not be everything for another person. You can not be his everything and nor should you put such pressure on you or him. Society gives us the idea that when it comes to sexual behaviour that is different than accepting that your partner enjoys an activity that you do not. He goes and does the activity and you do that sometimes as well. The idea that same sexual activity is seen as morally wrong and that is what distinguishes it from your husband playing a game of golf with a male friend. Very different attitudes have developed over sexual behaviour that may not be really necessary. You may be everything that he needs from a woman. You may not be everything or somethings even when it comes to his needs from men in order to be happy.

[Annika L]

And third, I'm bisexual in a monogamous relationship with another bisexual woman. We've been together 28 years. I'll write more soon to address "completely happy and satisfied" in more detail, but in general, I couldn't ask for a better more loving partner.

Ok, so "soon" is relative, right?

Alright then. Let me (re)start by addressing some words you use that have niggled at me since I read them. Love and sex I can see being inextricably entangled...they certainly are problematically entangled for me. But get over entangling marriage with those...there are still *lots* of people in the world (still even in my country) for whom love and sex *cannot* be entangled with marriage, because marriage isn't an option for them. So clearly marriage isn't a requirement for sex and love...maybe preferable, but not a requirement. Can't be. If heterosexual marriage suddenly became illegal in Canada and/or your religious officials annulled all such marriages, tell me that would lead you to stop having sex with your husband. Just needed to say something about that.

Heterosexism aside, you raise a good question: can a bisexual be completely happy and satisfied with one person? But let's make the question more specific. Forever? For the length of a marriage? Until death? My partner and I have been together (monogamously) 28 years...that beats the hell out of the majority of marriages these days. But we ain't dead yet, and I can't say whether our monogamy will last that long. After 28 years I have mixed emotions about whether I want it to...but I damned well want our *relationship* to last that long. We are simply *perfect* for one another...so compatible in outlook and approach to problems, in communication, in sense of humor and fun, in what we like to do together, in our sense of what respect means, in our desire for an egalitarian non-dominance-oriented partnership (sorry, I know that bucks "traditional marriage" views, but it was just an example, and isn't material to this exploration), in our need for silences, in our need for silliness...gods, we simply enjoy the hell out of one another's company! (This is even so after 28 years, mind you!!)

Does this mean that we're "completely happy and satisfied"? I'd once have said so. Through my 20's certainly...back in the days when we'd joke about and bond over not needing men (despite the fact that we both found them attractive sexually). But wow, as our 30's progressed, *I* at least started finding that those jokes began ringing somewhat hollow, as what I'd been missing started genuinely sinking in, at that physical ache level. We'd talk about it, sure (the fact that we're both bisexual makes it more comfortable to talk about such things...we both feel that urge)...but "completely happy" or at least "completely satisfied" started to fray. It took her a few years to catch up with me, but as we approach our late 40's, I'd say we're both there now. Still monogamous, yes. But *sigh* wishing it was easier or less complicated not to be, maybe.

There's no good end to this story...and no bad end...the story continues, with pressure building. But no part of that pressure says "leave her so you can have sex with a man, or whoever you want". Not a bit. Absolutely not what I want. Also, no part of that pressure says "ah, at a conference or something, just find a guy and scratch that itch; she'll never be the wiser". No. It won't happen that way either. It's a problem, and for 28 years, we've approached and solved every problem together...this one has been and will be no different.

Get it? This is what love and partnership is about. It's not about being the be-all and end-all to another person in perpetuity...that's a myth. It's about having integrity and having respect for another person, about sacrifice in the moment for a greater, longer-term bliss, and it's about facing the difficult challenges of life together, with tolerance, compassion, and understanding. It's about the relationship being more important than the *terms* of the relationship...terms can always be renegotiated, right?

Ask not "am I naïve in hoping that I will be enough". Yeah, that hope is naïve. Ask rather "do I love and respect him enough, and do I believe that he loves and respects me enough that we can solve this problem together?"...because that's the only question that matters. And I'm afraid we can't help you with that one. (Hmmm, but I do believe you both took a vow that said you would.)

[stonebow]

"Look into strap on dildos and offer to
enjoy fucking him, instead of him fucking you."

What if his fondest fantasy is sucking cock?....No dildo made can adequately simulate THAT!

[void()]

That's all I ask for Void! A bit of effort. Not much to ask is it?:tongue:


Quite reasonable indeed. I'm sure you've likely
seen my "No No" list. I think it too is fair & reasonable.

May add in your short list as well. Then, I too can
be called petty. :P

[void()]

"Look into strap on dildos and offer to
enjoy fucking him, instead of him fucking you."

What if his fondest fantasy is sucking cock?....No dildo made can adequately simulate THAT!

Granted, but the couple can at least make a reasonable effort. And maybe that can suffice.
Never know until you try, right?

Or would that be too obvious to state, think?

[OlderBC1]

When we still had our Friday night "private times", she decided she wanted to watch this DVD we have of bi girls & guys. She like how bi/lesbian girls were free to do whatever they want. From what she said, there's no middle ground. Anyway, she took a double headed 12" dildo 7 fucked me with it. She then buried the other end in her sweet lil pussy & continued. She came very quickly. We also bought a 8",2" thick natural dildo the we both enjoyed very much. She'd fuck herself with it, yelling " give it to me baby!". Proves to me what her mother yelled at her father for..."Your own daughter". She thought he was so handsome. She was nude in the bathroom getting ready for a shower, when he walked in naked & seeing her, got a hardon. Gauging from that, she let him take her virginity, not those alleged rapes BS. He later really wanted me to suck him off, but wouldn't do the same for me.

[stonebow]

I guess what I was trying to convey was that if the guy is truly bi, femme-dom play like pegging may do nothing more than whet his appetite for the real thing. Having been on the receiving end of many cocks now I can honestly say I can't go back to opposite sex monogamy.

[2bi2Bboring]

First, I want to applaud Annika L, BRAVO!!!!! We'll put!!
Anna, I would say it appears you love this man very much. He also appears to love you very much. You are seeking advice from whom most would consider "the enemy", many would see us as the side that threatens their marriage. It speaks volumes about your commitment that you would ask advice from us. It also speaks volumes that he trusts you with this information. Many would use this as ammunition in divorce court, a fate no one should endure. I would say that if you love each other that much, you will endure this as long as you can communicate effectively. In order to do that though, I would reiterate what Annika L said and suggest this as well. Being bisexual is hard, admitting it to a spouse takes fortitude and love. He loved you enough to tell you, rather than jeopardize your marriage and cheat, he told you. Now you are aware, but there is a huge difference between awareness and acceptance. Acceptance means when you said your vows, you accepted the whole person, not the parts that are prettiest. Acceptance almost assuredly means he will never reach the point where he aches for someone other than you. A desire that is satiated is far less likely to be dangerous than an undisclosed one that only becomes consuming. It is in our nature to want and seek what we desire, unfulfilled desires can cause sexual disfunction, and mental, emotional and physiological stress. I would bet, that if you asked your husband about how he felt BEFORE he told you, he would tell you there was more than one attempt. I would hazard to say that also before he told you there were at least half a dozen times he felt like he was going to explode for wanting to tell you rather than continuing to endure living in silence. Many bisexuals are forced to live a life of quiet despair, knowing their commitments and/ or relationships are not accepting of them or others like them.
I know you said you lend more toward traditional marriage values, I would argue that honesty, love and acceptance ARE traditional marriage values. I am not saying that it will not take widening your own horizons, but consider the alternatives. The possibilities are endless and many of them are not good unless you are extremely careful. As others have already said, communication will make or break the outcome with all likelihood.

I would make some other suggestions to you.

1. Hold hands or touch each other while you talk. Better yet, sit in his lap or lean on his chest. It makes a huge difference for me and my bi spouse when she talks to her bi husband. We are far more in touch emotionally when we touch physically.
2. Make certain emotional baggage that is sure to cause hard feelings, off limits. Often when we argue in long term relationships, we have convenient clubs to beat each other over the head with. It's the same way people end up arguing about everything wrong that ever happened in their relationship, when the argument started about paying the light bill and where the money needs to come from. It's not fair and it only causes more animosity.
3. Listen! There are a LOT of feelings that come along with discussions like coming out to a spouse, let him express himself. Make sure he hears you too. Be open-minded about solutions. Desires are potent feelings treat them with care and respect and it will inspire the same in him.
4. Inspire trust, ALWAYS! Be as amicable as possible, and don't take each other for granted.
5. DON'T issue ultimatums! Dealing in absolutes limits the possible solutions available to you. Thus making it harder to solve your problem in a way that will be helpful rather than putting you at odds.
6. Be open-minded, you two are exploring new sexual boundaries, which can be very exciting. Discovery is sexy, don't miss an opportunity that may never present itself again.
7. Your husband made himself vulnerable by telling you his secret, never use that vulnerability against him. I would suggest this is a perfect opportunity for you to disclose things that interest you. Share of yourself, give yourself permission. Many people discover later on after years of marriage that they have missed opportunities within their relationships, this is a recipe for regrets. Being vulnerable yourself will make him feel better and open a discussion where you both can have a more communicative relationship. This could actually be a GOOD thing for your marriage, if you let it be.

Please be careful, don't throw the baby out with the bath water. It will be difficult to succeed, and easy to screw up a conversation like the one you need to have. I wish you an open-mind and an all the luck in the world.

[void()]

I guess what I was trying to convey was that if the guy is truly bi, femme-dom play like pegging may do nothing more than whet his appetite for the real thing. Having been on the receiving end of many cocks now I can honestly say I can't go back to opposite sex monogamy.

Well, yes I can understand that. Sorry if it seems/ed I do not. Think we both have/had equally valid
points though. Maybe all he will desire is the femme-dom with his wife, or as you suggest, he may
want more afterward.

Think this would be why they try, talk, figure out where to go next. The point being to
keep open communication in the marriage. And ultimately, it returns to being up to them, theirselves
to hash out. This is not something that someone on a public web forum ought to "call" as it were.

We can advise, sure. But it is their kitchen after all.

[AnnaD31]

Thank you everyone for your input, it has been an emotional couple of weeks. Among other reasons, because we have a small child and are still planning on having more, we have decided to remain monogamous to one another. The risk of STI infection for either one of us is too great a risk to take at this time in our lives, it's just not worth it. We are also discussing marital counseling to help us communicate more openly with one another.

[Annika L]

Thank you everyone for your input, it has been an emotional couple of weeks. Among other reasons, because we have a small child and are still planning on having more, we have decided to remain monogamous to one another. The risk of STI infection for either one of us is too great a risk to take at this time in our lives, it's just not worth it. We are also discussing marital counseling to help us communicate more openly with one another.

Counseling and developing more open communication are *always* good ideas, so it's awesome to hear that you're both open to it! And yes...children aside even, STI's are just one of a large string reasons why monogamy is useful (not that monogamous people are truly immune, but the risk goes way up if you're not). Such good luck to both of you!

[tenni]

Good that you are deciding to go to counselling. Not all counsellors are trained or experienced in understanding bisexual issues. Do not assume that a LGBT friendly counsellor will be trained in bisexual issues. Ideally, it might good to seek out counselling with a cross sexuality couples experience.(may not be the correct term)

Good fortune.

[Gearbox]

not that monogamous people are truly immune
:eek2: It's public toilet seats it is, isn't it? That's what it is! I KNEW it!:yikes2:

[Annika L]

:eek2: It's public toilet seats it is, isn't it? That's what it is! I KNEW it!:yikes2:

Public toilet seats? Now I have to worry about those too?? And here I was all worried about faeries visiting in the night! (Oh, and sharing sodas, too...a girl can't be too careful!)

[darkeyes]

My mum's mum, ole witch that she wos, used to tell us that it wos tampons that wer the cause.. so forget toilet seats.. wen we visited her in Salford as kids we used to run round the streets shouting "fanny pads foreva!!" Me big sister still has an ole tshirt wiv just that ver motto!!! Cow wasn't brave enuff to wear it wen Gran wos alive I can tellya... not after she batterd hell outa me wen she found mine...
Maybe it's time I spoke of me own current position 'bout monogamy, if I may move on to a more serious note. Things aren't as they were a year or so ago.. I would have liked 2 say something a long time ago but I have a partner to consider and so I kept quiet at her request and besides really it isn't anyone's biz 'cept our own. Our lives have changed a great deal. A couple of people on site know some or in 1 case most of it . Maybe is time I sed more cos it mite help.. the goddess Naggy has cleared it.. but am on me hols and am not going to say more rite now... much too bizzy enjoying mesel and we r off out soon an besides.. I loathe tablets. Our case may or may not help peeps like the OP and her partner.. but maybe some.. hope so.. get home Sat, so will say more after then.