Probably been Asked Before But ???

[colorado_guy54]

I have been very happy for the most part with my marriage of more than 30 years. However, since the kids have grown up and I have spent time learning what I may want for my retirement years, I've really really become more and more interested in my bisexuality. I really would like to talk to my wife but don't the best way to go about it. I'm in my late 50's and not very good at conversations or confrontation. WE enjoy I think watching porn together, sometimes with some bisexual scenes. I just don't think I could ever be the guy that says: Honey we need to talk about ....

[cbb83]

Two things to consider. One, you only live once. Two, you've trusted this woman in the most intimate ways for 30 years. If you can't talk about it with her, who could you talk about it with?

[colorado_guy54]

really am afraid she would freak out and tell the kids, which is the last thing I need or want to happen

[Annika L]

really am afraid she would freak out and tell the kids, which is the last thing I need or want to happen

Is this a real concern? Do you have any indications (from all the time you've been together) on how she might feel about it? What's her position on same-sex marriage? How does she feel about homosexuality generally? Clearly she's not 100% against if she *watches* porn with bisexual scenes and doesn't freak out.

I can't imagine that if she hears something new about you that she's never known before and finds it upsetting that her first impulse would be to share it with your kids...that seems like one of the last things she'd do. But I don't know her.

[tenni]

I agree that it is sad that after 30 years you need to fear her reaction. For me, it indicates the negative stigma is greater for bisexual men than bisexual women. We rarely read that a woman has increased her interest in other women and she fears her husband's reaction. Then we just don't know. I read one study that reported that women are much much more discreet than men. Men tend to let it out eventually.

As some have said, you know her much better than us. You might want to watch more bisexual porn with her and begin to open up about enjoying bisexual porn more than hetero porn lately. Every little push on the out door will tell you something about how she will react if you fully disclose.

Good fortune to you.

[Visexual]

My wife and I had been married over 25 years when I let her know. I think that, unless she’s suspected before, most wives will be surprised but not feel threatened at all. Let’s face it, after so many years with you, they know you’re not gay. And, honestly, that’s the only real threat that wives would feel.

You might try watching some porn with female/female action and ask if she’d ever thought about trying it. This just might get her to ask you if you’d ever thought about male/male and you could grin and say, “maybe”!

[jackbirdjay]

Have u thought about a 3 way? Have u thought about seeing her with a guy? If u don't like thoses ideas she most likely won't like yours.

[pole_smoker]

Just come out to your wife. You posted how you watch bisexual porns together so she probably already knows you're not hetero.

Why would you be ashamed, or scared if your kids found out you are bisexual? It's not a big deal, and most young people are highly accepting of LGBT people even if they are their parents.

[CurEUs_Male]

Coming out is a personal, individual, often painful thing. I came out to my wife as I leaned of my interests in my 40's. It was not a huge issue on the surface, but as she tried to think things through - she found bad resources that convinced her I was a cheating, lying, gay man just waiting for the chance to leave her in the lurch. Nothing could be further from the truth, but there are bad resources out there.

So you are looking to share a most intimate detail of your self with the most important person in your life. I suggest not trying to hide it in innuendo, or veiled under comments during porn. Suggesting a 3 some first, without giving her time to hear, consider, and understand what it is you are sharing will be a huge shock to her system, and may just make her think much of the bad things that turn off a newly informed partner. bisexuality and bisexual acts are two different things... related but still different.

Collect some resources for her, for you, and for the two of you, before you have the discussion. Be sure to have these resources for her, but not force her into trying them. She will likely be in shock. A bi friendly therapist, preferably one with experience in Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOMs). Not easy to find, but well worth it. Perhaps meeting a therapist ahead of time might help, and having a 3rd party as a sounding board, even a coach when you have the first conversations could help you get started.

Don't expect too much. Don't expect her to hear you are bi and say "Lets go get some more men!" While that works for a few, it is not a typical reaction. You may be considered a lier right from the start because you have had this secret. That is something you have to work through. You need to be ready to rebuild the trust in your relationship, whether you feel it is diminished justifiably or not, it is in her eyes that you have to do things.

As part of your conversation, you will need to address coming out beyond her. It is your sexuality to come out about, and she needs to understand that outing you is not an acceptable act. Your outing is your decision. On the other hand, she will need to have some personal support, and she has some coming out to do too. Coming out as a member of a MOM, looking for support of friends, she'll need someone to share with too... while you are the closest person to her (I hope) she will need someone a little more removed from the immediate relationship. Be ready to open up to her coming out as well. This is a good TED talk about the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc

Good luck!

[mrfrisky]

I confessed to my wife many years ago. She did NOT take it well. We are still together, but she really doesn't want to know about that side of me, and wishes I'd never told her. So it really depends upon the woman you are married to whether or not confession will be good or harmful. Good luck with your decision.

[NakedInSeattle]

Jackbirdjay has the best idea. Try a MMF. That will tell if she's willing to share.

[EmailOnly]

With all the gay-marriage thing in the news i would start talking with her about how she felt about it.
You might even get her try anal-sex if not already. Keep the gay topic in your conversations.. Like.... What's wrong if a guy wants to suck another man's cock? Go back into childhood experiences .. true or false, you might tell her something that happen at camp one summer.. Maybe a circle-jerk.. maybe you saw 1 boy sucking another boy.. Maybe your wife might reveal something bi almost happening in her life..
Then talk about a neighbor couple.. How friendly they are.. Maybe a house party turning into a topless dance.. Maybe a dry-fuck dance.. Maybe some friendly "groping" and laughter..
I think everyone has thoughts about their sexuality.. Get her thoughts about it.. Talk about experiencing a bi-encounter with one of your close friends.. See what your male friend thinks.. See if he has those thoughts.. A little porn viewing helps.. Maybe not a couple-swap at first but what does he think about watching his wife getting fucked by another man.. Maybe how he feels about having his cock sucked...

Just keep the topic going whenever you get the chance...

..and then one day your wife might ask..... Would you do it? Would you suck another man's cock?