Advice needed

[Mrs.F]

I need some advice. To give a little back ground here...I am a str8 wife of a bi husband (Flounder is my husband) We have been married 10 yrs. and are VERY happy. Our marriage has really turned around since I found out he was bisexual. I joined here and decided I was going to learn, understand and support him. What I found here was much more than that. I have met some wonderful friends and a few very close friends. One of them is bi man on here who was very supportive of me and helped me deal with alot. We have communicated for months now via internet and phone and have become really good friends. One day we would like to meet and finally see each other.

NOW...the other side of the story!! This man was married, now divorced..has a past like everyone else does and is now living in a gay relationship. His partner knows that we talk and doesn't like it at all. He feels threatened, that I will steal him away. His partner has told him that he wants him off this site and my husband, who also is friends with him, out of his life.

What I want to ask is....Should I say my good bye's and walk? When you meet a great friend like this, someone who you swear you were meant to find..how do you just say "Ok, it was nice knowing you for the time we shared..have a good life and don't forget me"!!!?? :(

Please...anyone have any advice??

[onewhocares]

Well, Mrs. F,

I can honestly say, that your situation is not unlike many of ours. Each relationship has its ups and downs, so to speak. But you, and well I may be some what biased in this, are a wonderful woman, a woman who puts all others ahead of herself. You give and give and here a situations presents itself, in which your choices are many.

First I truely think that the man involved my tell his lover, that you are friends, and that everyone needs friends be they male, female, black, white, green, straight, bi or gay. He is the one who has to tell his lover where the line is. Second, NO ONE should tell you the friends you should have. NO ONE.

I guess finally, my thoughts are...if you are lucky enough to find a person, male, female, or whatever that you connect with, and with whom you share a bond, then I think I would feel like I would want to continue that friendship.
That is just me. I shall always be here for you.

Belle

[Driver 8]

In my opinion ... this is, ultimately, your friend's decision.

If I were in his position, I know I'd have a juggling act - reassuring my partner while at the same time making it clear that he couldn't give me orders about who I could choose as friends.

But if one of my friends decided to make that decision FOR us and cut me off ... I'd really be shocked and hurt. I'd feel like I'd made my choice to have the friendship and either endure the consequences or work things out with my partner, and that it wasn't my friend's place to make a one-sided decision.

If I were giving advice to the happy couple, I'd suggest that instead of setting boundaries about who they contact, they set boundaries about what happens.

[AnotherVoice]

I don't think it's your call. Let your friend decide what's best and then you'll learn how much credibility your friendship has. Keep an open invitation for whenever he's ready to contact you and in the mean time, allow him to make this decision. Best of luck.

[arana]

((((( Mrs F ))))) what a predicament. I have to agree in that ultimately this is not your decision as much as it is the couple. It very sweet of you to think of bowing out to help preserve their relationship and that is your choice if you feel it is best. But it doesn't help your friend in dealing with his partners jealousy of others. I think all you can do is be there for your friend. Maybe your friends partner should get to know you and Flounder so he knows that you are not a threat to their relationship, only good friends.

[Mrs.F]

((((( Mrs F ))))) what a predicament. I have to agree in that ultimately this is not your decision as much as it is the couple. It very sweet of you to think of bowing out to help preserve their relationship and that is your choice if you feel it is best. But it doesn't help your friend in dealing with his partners jealousy of others. I think all you can do is be there for your friend. Maybe your friends partner should get to know you and Flounder so he knows that you are not a threat to their relationship, only good friends.

Thank you arana. And I have offered to be talk to his partner many times. The whole point was for all of us to be friends. However, his partner doesn't even want to give any of us a chance. But I think what really bugs me most is the fact that his partner feels he can pick and choose who his friends are. We live states apart..no where near each other. Flounder and I are happily married, not looking to destroy anyone else's relationships.

Life is about being happy and meeting and being with people who make us happy. Too many times opportunities are missed. I have met a wonderful friend and all I ask is to be able to be his friend, be there for him when he needs it and for him to be there for me when I need a it.

I did however like Driver's advice...instead of setting boundries about "who", they set boundries about "what happens". We all respect boundries!

[deletetacount123]

I wonder if your friends partner is just jealous??
I think your friend should find out from his partner why he doesn't want him to be friends with you and your husband. Sometimes a person can get jealous simply cause they don't know those other people.

I think if I didn't like my partner's friends, and I know I just don't know those friends well, I'll ask my partner if I can meet her friends and get to know them, then I'll feel better cause I know them now :-) Especially when I see they are just friends hehe

Sometimes jealously comes cause you think your parnter will dump you and start dating that person lol silly I know but it HAS been known to happen, especially if it did happen to that person before.

I think your friend's partner just needs to get to know you guys better, have a double date and go out for dinner :-)

Tasha

[arana]

Thank you arana. And I have offered to be talk to his partner many times. The whole point was for all of us to be friends. However, his partner doesn't even want to give any of us a chance. But I think what really bugs me most is the fact that his partner feels he can pick and choose who his friends are. We live states apart..no where near each other. Flounder and I are happily married, not looking to destroy anyone else's relationships.

Life is about being happy and meeting and being with people who make us happy. Too many times opportunities are missed. I have met a wonderful friend and all I ask is to be able to be his friend, be there for him when he needs it and for him to be there for me when I need a it.

I did however like Driver's advice...instead of setting boundries about "who", they set boundries about "what happens". We all respect boundries!
Well now it sounds more like control issues then jealousy ones.

[taz67156]

hi Mrs.F,
I agree with what everyone else is saying and also think that there is know reason for you to not be friends still because of his partner being jealous for know reason and I couldn't see you being a threat to anyone in that manner cause your to nice of a lady and couldn't do that to flounder.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is stay friends with him and tell him to keep comeing here to the chat site even if the partner doesn't like it and maybe he should join and see just what happens here. hell I'm straight just like you are and I trust kitten when she comes here to chat with everyone and I even joined up so I could learn more about her being Bisexual. His partner could also be to controlling which I'd say he needs to talk with his partner about that.

good luck,
taz67156:)

[Herbwoman39]

((((((((((((Mrs. F)))))))))))))))))
I agree with what everyone else is saying about this being your friend's decision. I just wanted to toss in my own theory. Please accept or reject as you see fit.

Jealousy is generaly based in insecurity and fear. Your friend's partner may be (unreasonably) afraid that your friend will leave him for you. Your friend's partner knows that he is paired with a bi man, thus, in an insecure mind, that may mean that he's afraid that your friend will leave him for a woman regardless of any reasurances you may be offering.

Until your friend's partner is secure in the relationship, it may be possible that he will continue to be over-reactive like this. Forthe sake of your friendship, I sincerely hope not.

Just my :2cents:

[MotherGoose]

(((((((((((((((Mrs. F))))))))))))))))))))))
I do feel bad about what is going on. The insecurity lies in the individual that doesn't want you 'messing' with his partner. You don't really know what went on in his life before you met up with him. You and I talk a lot at work about this, but give me a call and let me know what's up. I missed you at work today, but heard you weren't yourself. Wondered what was up. I work with you in the morning, so lets' plan on talking, my friend! Love you lots! Macy

[littlerayofsunshine]

Mrs F. All I can really say is that you shouldn't cut off a relationship you want to keep, nor is it your responsibility to keep his and his partner's intact. Let him make the choice and support him as you always have. That will leave a greater and more powerful impact. Just let him now how much he means to you. (((((((Mrs.F))))) I am really hoping the best for you.

[Reprob8]

Like others have said, it is your friends decision to make. He needs to set the ground rules for their relationship in a way that he is comfortable, all you can do is support whatever decision he makes.

[Gemini25]

Hey Mrs. F I have a little different angle for ya..... My best friend when we were younger, everytime she would meet a guy (as a friend or otherwise) she would constantly talk about my partner and I. To the point that the guys would get incredibly jealous of us, wouldn't want to even meet us, and would start talking smack about us. They were in competition with us, without us even knowing.

Now, what may have happened (and I don't know his situation) but maybe your friend doesn't have that many friends, or frinds who are BI, and so everytime he and his new partner talk about different things he's always bringing up you and your husband, and so the partner feels like he's in competion with you and your husband (even though your in another state) for your friends attention, affection, ect.

Maybe it's not so much a controlling thing as an insecurity thing. I think you may want to have a nice conversation with your friend and find out what's really going on. Or send a nice note to both of them, but try to stay as nuetral as possible for right now. Because he will evetually come back to talking with you and your husband. It may not be as much or as often as before, but at least you still have your special friendship.

Michael :flag2: :2cents:

[willbeyours2]

Mrs. F.

Well, a sticky situation to say the least..... Your friends partner sounds very insecure first off. I do think that your friend needs to have a little heart to heart talk with his partner.My thoughts are how can he tell another person who he can or cannot be friends with? I think we can all say our wives , husbands, partners at some point or other have had friends that we may not be crazy about, but if the person you love enjoys this person you bear with it.You personally don't want to be friends maybe but would never tell the other person you can't be friends with that person. Jealousy and insecurity are terrible things. In the end don't throw away a friendship, maybe sit back and give your friend some time to work this through, but let him know you are always there for him. As hard as this is for you, it is even harder for him I'm sure. You know I wish you only the best and am always here for you.


Bill

[jedinudist]

I need some advice. To give a little back ground here...I am a str8 wife of a bi husband (Flounder is my husband) We have been married 10 yrs. and are VERY happy. Our marriage has really turned around since I found out he was bisexual. I joined here and decided I was going to learn, understand and support him. What I found here was much more than that. I have met some wonderful friends and a few very close friends. One of them is bi man on here who was very supportive of me and helped me deal with alot. We have communicated for months now via internet and phone and have become really good friends. One day we would like to meet and finally see each other.

NOW...the other side of the story!! This man was married, now divorced..has a past like everyone else does and is now living in a gay relationship. His partner knows that we talk and doesn't like it at all. He feels threatened, that I will steal him away. His partner has told him that he wants him off this site and my husband, who also is friends with him, out of his life.

What I want to ask is....Should I say my good bye's and walk? When you meet a great friend like this, someone who you swear you were meant to find..how do you just say "Ok, it was nice knowing you for the time we shared..have a good life and don't forget me"!!!?? :(

Please...anyone have any advice??

That is terrible. You are such a good and loving person.

It's a personal security issue for your friend's partner from the sound of it, and unfortunately, it is going to be ultimately his decision.

I would take a neutral stance, say good bye without saying "goodbye" and let your friend know you value his friendship and will always be there for him shoiuld he need you. Then he knows what kind of friend you are... a true one. This will make him more comfortable and allow him to address the situation with his partner.

I do hope it works out that you are able to remain friends. They are so hard to come by these days.

Blessed Be~

[Mrs.F]

Thank you all for the advice. I have done alot of thinking on this and I know in the back of my mind what I want and what has to be done. I know it's his decision to make and he knows that I will stand behind him in his decision. I just never thought wanting to be friends with someone would be so difficult. It's very hard though and I fear that what he decides will hurt, but life goes on and I will respect whatever decision he makes.

In the end though...I feel badly for him having to give up friendships because his partner is insecure and doesn't trust him. In my eyes...if you love someone, you trust them.

Again, thank you all.... :)

[Mrs. Taz]

you are right mrs. f. you have to trust the person you are with and get over the ensicurities. (think i spelled that wrong) if you cant trust the person your in a relationship with, then who can you trust? he needs to talk to the man he is with and convince him that nothing is going to happen between you and him or him and any of his other friends. if it were me I would do that and eventually if it didnt work I would find someone to be with that does trust me. the ball is in his court and all we can do is hope and pray he makes the right choice.

[jedinudist]

Thank you all for the advice. I have done alot of thinking on this and I know in the back of my mind what I want and what has to be done. I know it's his decision to make and he knows that I will stand behind him in his decision. I just never thought wanting to be friends with someone would be so difficult. It's very hard though and I fear that what he decides will hurt, but life goes on and I will respect whatever decision he makes.

In the end though...I feel badly for him having to give up friendships because his partner is insecure and doesn't trust him. In my eyes...if you love someone, you trust them.

Again, thank you all.... :)

You're such a wonderful person - I consider you a friend, and my wife trusts me implicitly.

Feel free to contact me anytime!

I live too far away to drop in for coffee, but I'll share a cup online whenever I can :)

I hope this works out well for you!!

[glantern954]

It's not you call, it's your friends. You guys can pull back and only return his communications if it makes you feel better. Then the ball is in his court to let the friendship be what level he is confortable with during this relationship.

[Mrs.F]

You're such a wonderful person - I consider you a friend, and my wife trusts me implicitly.

Feel free to contact me anytime!

I live too far away to drop in for coffee, but I'll share a cup online whenever I can :)

I hope this works out well for you!!

I may need something stronger than coffee... :rolleyes: Thank you so much for saying I'm a wonderful person. Right now I feel like a horrible person...It's just very hard to say good bye to someone you have really grown to love. But whoever said that life was a bowl of cherries?? Right now the bowl is full of pits!! But all of this has made me stronger inside...I hope!

[strawberry8302]

Well Mrs. F, I agree with Driver and everybody else. This is your friend's decision. Is he gonna let some jealous guy determine the fate of two great friends? He should really think about who's been there for him, and who supports him the most. It all comes down to the positives and negatives of the situation. Right now, his man is the negative, and he needs to drop him. You can't trust ANYBODY nowadays, and the fact that he has both of you guys as good friends should be enough proof for him to extract that destructive relationship.

[onewhocares]

Mrs. F.,

I really do believe the problem does not lie with you and your wanting to be a friend to another human soul. It is your friends inability to say to HIS partner," I am an individual and I have and will always have friends in my life, both male and female. What relationship I have with my friends is not reflective of how I view our relationship." Short and to the point. YOU have done nothing wrong and if your friend does not do the right thing and standup for HIMSELF (as well as your friendship-for that is all it is-friendship. then he is the one who will lose. He will lose a considerate, compassionate, honest ,sincere and very open woman who brings joy into his life. Thank you for listening and those are my :2cents: .

Belle

[Mrs.F]

You know...I have heard many times that straights and gays are a very jealous and controlling group of people. I never fully understood that until now. I know and fully admit that I have been that way in my past and looking back on it I feel ashamed. There is NO reason to feel insecure or jealous about having a bisexual partner if you both know you love each other and have a solid relationship. I chose to join to this site when I learned Flounder was bi. I wanted to learn and understand it before I took off on a tagent and made threats and ugly remarks. I did learn and I know now that I can and will never change how he views men and women sexually.

For my friend. His partner knew he was bisexual when he met him. Hell, he was married to his wife when they met. He later divorced his wife (for other reasons, none having to do with him being bisexual) and moved in with his partner and they have been happy for awhile now. But my friends desire to be with a woman has not diminshed, it has not disappeared, he has not turned GAY....all of what his partner would like to happen. I feel so bad for my friend and know that he loves his partner with all his heart but he's in many ways being sufficated because being bisexual is a bad thing.

If I were a man, would his partner be just as jealous and upset? And, I am married, happily married and have a family. I should be in no way a threat to their relationship. Also living states apart helps. I can't run down the road or cross town to sneak around behind his partners back.

I love this man and his friendship and support has meant the world to me. To have to say good bye for a stupid reason as insecurity or fear from his partner really ticks me off. I just want to say "grow up" to his partner. Get to know me and my husband before you go slamming us for something we are not. I realize we can all be "whoever" we want to be online...no one can see us. But I am not a bad person and I have offered to meet them and talk to him on the phone. If you still feel I am a lier and cheater and a whore then fine...but I want the chance first to prove I am not! :mad: :banghead:

Wow...sorry for the really long venting...and thanks! :soapbox:

[Sparks]

Dear Friend,
The advice needed here is for your friend. Dude, get this controlling SOB out of your life. Mrs.F, you enjoy this relationship. Keep it!

Freddy

[Mrs.F]

Dear Friend,
The advice needed here is for your friend. Dude, get this controlling SOB out of your life. Mrs.F, you enjoy this relationship. Keep it!

Freddy


OUCH!

[MotherGoose]

Mrs F., I agree with Sparks. Time for your friend to move on to a better situation. How can someone live with another person that acts like a kindergartner (ie: You can only be my friend and no one else's!). Elementary kids play that game all the time. That isn't a healthy relationship and the "Dude" needs to grow up and quit being a sissy bedwetter!

Besides that, I know for a fact that you are one of the most caring, sincere, funny, beautiful (do I need to continue?) people in the world. I KNOW you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his "relationship" with his partner. Everyone has friends and this other guy needs to get a grip on his own insecurities and see that the world doesn't just revolve around himself. There's nothing worse that sufficating someone that you "supposedly" love!

Hopefully your friend will make some important decisions. Friends are friends forever! And if anything should come up, don't worry, I've got your back!!!

Love ya, Macy :devil:

[Mrs.F]

I know many of you have only heard MY side of the story here.....so I want to point out that my friends partner is not a bad person. He just has some issues with, I guess, my friends past and his past and all has made him feel insecure and maybe jealous. But I in no way shape or form would ever call my friends partner a horrible SOB! I just WISH he would let up, would talk to me, give me a chance and give his partner (my friend) the chance to have a wonderful relationship that he may also be a part of.

From what my friend has told me of his partner...he and I like alot of the same things and I think we could be good friends. All I'm asking for is the CHANCE to be friends.

I've done all I can do.... :(

[arana]

For my friend. His partner knew he was bisexual when he met him. Hell, he was married to his wife when they met. He later divorced his wife (for other reasons, none having to do with him being bisexual) and moved in with his partner and they have been happy for awhile now. But my friends desire to be with a woman has not diminshed, it has not disappeared, he has not turned GAY....all of what his partner would like to happen. I feel so bad for my friend and know that he loves his partner with all his heart but he's in many ways being sufficated because being bisexual is a bad thing.

If I were a man, would his partner be just as jealous and upset? And, I am married, happily married and have a family. I should be in no way a threat to their relationship. Also living states apart helps. I can't run down the road or cross town to sneak around behind his partners back. :mad: :banghead:
:soapbox:Wow, I guess now it goes back to how did you feel when you first found out about Flounder and having to compete for his affections with other men when you are a woman? Maybe his partner fears this is a step for your friend to wanting women more then him and how can a guy compete with that? I'd be afraid and insecure too. He's more than likely panicking and not thinking straight if his normal personality is not hurtful. Not everyone stops to take a breath and think things through, they just act upon their feelings and that's not always good. Maybe with some time and gradually showing his partner you are not a threat this will turn around. I hope everything works out for you Mrs. F, a good friend is a terrible thing to lose.

[Mrs.F]

I understand what your saying arana and I know the feelings you are describing. But it was those feelings I felt that made me need to understand what it was my husband wanted that I could not give him. If I had not done what I did...(join this site and meet others bi, gay and straight) I would probably feel the same way as my friends partner. He and I have so much in common. We are in many ways standing in the same shoes. But when you open up and talk about things and atleast try to understand...it goes alot further then panicking and feeling insecure. In time...I'm hoping that things will turn around for the best. I know I'm not going to give up (unless my friend tells me too and even then it will not easy). I'm not one to give up on anything. I think my friend and his partner are well worth the wait. :bigrin: We have the rest of our lives, right??