Need Insight and advice re: Closet Bi BF

[MissMeBi]

I recently stumbled on an email account on an old tablet of my BF. Password was intact, and I found inside emails to and from other men that he has apparently slept with. I have been with him for a year and a half we recently bought a home together. I am confused as all get out. Things that I didn't understand now leave me with more questions than answers. You would think that my finding out he is bi would freak me out, fact is it doesn't. I am Bi and we have been acting on my needs, but it is clear to me now that he needs something else and he has chosen not to talk to me about it and cheated on me numerous times. So I found out he is a bottom, he loves to give oral and frequents glory holes. So far there is no evidence that he has cheated with another woman, but he has clearly been with men. I am just at a loss here, don't know how to bring it up. assuming if he is closet this long he is never coming out and honestly feel betrayed and very hurt. Any advice or insight is welcomed. I should mention that other than the fact he has all but stopped having sex with me he is an amazing provider and he is good to me and my boys.

[Thickone55]

Maybe watch some mmf 3some porn with him and mention how much it turns you on. Or, tell him you have a re-occurring fantasy dream in which he sucks a cock with you helping or watching him.

[pole_smoker]

Talk to him, and tell him what you found on his tablet with the emails, and how he was cheating, etc. Don't play games like the poster above me suggested with the porn, but actually talk to him.

[void()]

Talk to him, and tell him what you found on his tablet with the emails, and how he was cheating, etc. Don't play games like the poster above me suggested with the porn, but actually talk to him.

I concur, communicate with him. Let him have a chance to be open and honest with you, then give yourself a chance to be open and honest with him. Then, the two of you mutually decide upon where to go, how to get there. One thing I know with assurance, without communication no relationship exists.

[MissMeBi]

I tried and I asked him and he said I was crazy. Im not crazy but clearly he isnt coming out of his closet. He did the A typical turn around thing on me and said I dont remember giving you permission to snoop in my things and followed that up with someone must have used his tablet while he was in the army without his knowledge because the email wasnt his. funny thing is there were emails from his regular email account to this one with photos of his daughter, military stuff had an email to a private photo vault in it which the app for that was installed on his current phone so I used the code in the email on his phone in front of him and what do you know it opened the app and he looked at me with a straight face and said I dont know what that is WTF... so I know better but he sure had an answer for everything. he followed that up with how dare I accuse him and " you believe what you want to" oh I will trust me, but that being said he cant possibly believe I am going to let this go.

[rodman2005]

Show him this site! Wake up dearie cause he likes cock.... and he is good to your boys? ALARMS should be going off dearie.
TALK to him ASAP. Invite guys over and play. He likes cock. Join in with him (unless he likes it by himself) IMHO

[MissMeBi]

not to downplay your suggestion I tried this too, he said I was crazy for even suggesting such a thing " thats fucking gay not on your life"

[MissMeBi]

oh I know he likes cock lol so do I haha and apparently this is not something he wants to share with me at all. Even though I have shared with him.

[pole_smoker]

I tried and I asked him and he said I was crazy. Im not crazy but clearly he isnt coming out of his closet. He did the A typical turn around thing on me and said I dont remember giving you permission to snoop in my things and followed that up with someone must have used his tablet while he was in the army without his knowledge because the email wasnt his. funny thing is there were emails from his regular email account to this one with photos of his daughter, military stuff had an email to a private photo vault in it which the app for that was installed on his current phone so I used the code in the email on his phone in front of him and what do you know it opened the app and he looked at me with a straight face and said I dont know what that is WTF... so I know better but he sure had an answer for everything. he followed that up with how dare I accuse him and " you believe what you want to" oh I will trust me, but that being said he cant possibly believe I am going to let this go.
That's a huge red flag that he's a pathological liar, and can't be honest even when confronted with reality and the truth. You should separate and find another guy or woman since he's not worth it.

Also, since he is cheating with other people and having random anon. partners get tested for STDs.

[Realist]

Lilly, I won't attempt to advise you about how to deal with this situation, or address his keeping vital secrets from you. But, I must say his behavior is putting you and maybe your children's health in jeopardy.

I know of one incident and have read about others who were involved in similar situations...this is not good!

I used to work with a fellow, who frequented glory holes, and truck stops, to have sex with anonymous men. His wife was not aware of his actions.

On several occasions, I warned him that he had no idea where any of those men had been, or who they'd had sex with, before they'd been with him. He said I was an alarmist and gave excuses for his actions, that were unfounded and ignorant.

He continued his visits to those places, until he developed a sexually-transmitted illness. (I'm not sure if it was AIDS, or what)

Apparently, before any symptoms were evident, the guy's wife contracted the same disease from him!

I moved from there about that time and haven't heard of the outcome, but it was possibly disastrous.

It's bad enough that he made those choices, but sharing his disease with his wife because of his arrogance, was nothing short of murder, in my view!

It might be prudent to not be intimate with him again, until he was thoroughly tested and given a clean bill of health!

Good luck, Lady

[elian]

Yeah wow, that's some deep denial to actually -see- the screen and still deny it.. So it's okay for -you- to be bisexual but not him? Some people in hetero-land would probably agree but of course I know what it feels like and they don't.

I wouldn't let my best buds use my tablet like that, and the messages still there and all. Maybe he was going through a phase, does he still do it?

He might be shocked that you found out, I guess whether this is ultimately a good thing or a bad thing for your relationship will depend on how you both respond to it. It could also be a good thing whether or not it feels good in the sense like Realist said.

I think if I had a wife and she found out I would be embarrassed and maybe angry..but ultimately it would be nice not to hide.

Unless of course he is ashamed of it, but still has the desire anyway...which would explain the anonymous hook-ups.

There have been some times when I've been attracted to people who are either straight or in a non-appropriate situation such as a work relationship (spend more time at work than with my own family). Those times, my attraction to males feels especially burdensome because I know it either cannot or should not be requited.

I guess straight people can go through the same thing so it's probably not a problem for just bisexuals, although it is a unique situation FOR bisexuals since there is a potential that half the people they are attracted to could reveal their true nature.

I can't tell you what to do.

[pole_smoker]

Maybe he was going through a phase, does he still do it?


No it's not a phase. If a man is hetero/straight he's not going to have sex with men, or go to glory holes and have other guys suck him off. Despite how a lot of bi and gay men need the pipe dream fantasy of having sex with a hetero/straight guy.

[Gearbox]

It sounds as if he could be one of those blokes who love m-m sex when horny, but turn into a guilt ridden denialist when he cums.
He probably swears to himself that he'll never do it again, every time he does it. But he does, coz he's not in control of himself.
The worse thing in the world to him would be somebody finding out that he likes to suck cock and/or get fucked. He probably thinks that he may be gay, and although he sucks cock, takes it up the are (?) and loves to be 'used' by other men sexually as a sub, he perishes the thought of that!

Your worse tactic for disclosure is attack & confrontation.
Your best tactic is to convince him that you believe that a bloke sucking cock etc is a masculine thing. That it makes him hyper sexual, and it turns you the fuck on.
Get gay porn on with him and tell him how that makes you horny for BOTH top & bottom. Also tell him (constantly) how you understand why some bi men deny their attractions, and how even if he isn't bi already, you want him to be.

Don't give him a time limit for honesty, BUT have one and dump him if there is no improvement after all your efforts.
Def get checked for STD's and get him to accompany you at the clinic. That may wake him up.:)

[jem_is_bi]

If he wants a secret life, that is fine, but, it is not going to work for you. So, given what you know and what he knows you know, you need to be totally aware and OK with his M-M activity. Otherwise, I don't see how that can work.

[tenni]

You seem to suffer from a common disfunction in heterosexual females in a relationship with a bisexual man. You are a snoop and do not respect his boundaries. That is what he told you. You chose to look into his tablet after discovering his password. No one forced you to continue to snoop. No one forced you to look in the first place. Often women who have done what you'd did can give a reason. Bottom line is that you are insecure and possessive in your present relationship. This may feel harsh but reflect on it. This may not the first time that you have snooped into a guy's territory that he did not give you permission to look into. Neither of you are functioning in a trusting relationship at the moment.

Walk away from him. It may be best for both of you.
or
Accept that he wants to have sex with men and you. Create some boundaries.

This will be difficult since he will not admit that he does this m2m. That is his business. Your business is whether you can accept this or can not.

Leave if you can not accept him. By physically leaving this may force him to admit his sexuality to himself and to you. Use Gear's suggestions as well. Understand if he does that this will be a deep emotional issues connected to his identity as a man. Only then can you begin to move foreword to create boundaries and rules for his sexually playing with other men.

[pole_smoker]

You seem to suffer from a common disfunction in heterosexual females in a relationship with a bisexual man. You are a snoop and do not respect his boundaries. That is what he told you. You chose to look into his tablet after discovering his password. No one forced you to continue to snoop. No one forced you to look in the first place. Often women who have done what you'd did can give a reason. Bottom line is that you are insecure and possessive in your present relationship. This may feel harsh but reflect on it. This may not the first time that you have snooped into a guy's territory that he did not give you permission to look into. Neither of you are functioning in a trusting relationship at the moment.

Walk away from him. It may be best for both of you.
or
Accept that he wants to have sex with men and you. Create some boundaries.

This will be difficult since he will not admit that he does this m2m. That is his business. Your business is whether you can accept this or can not.

Leave if you can not accept him. By physically leaving this may force him to admit his sexuality to himself and to you. Use Gear's suggestions as well. Understand if he does that this will be a deep emotional issues connected to his identity as a man. Only then can you begin to move foreword to create boundaries and rules for his sexually playing with other men.
misslily619: just ignore tenni he's a troll, has major issues with women, is actually very hateful and full of biphobia/heterophobia/homophobia, and loves to blame hetero women for all the issues bisexual men face. :rolleyes:

[Hypersexual11]

The whole snooping thing is so grey that it can't be judged as negative. When I was doing exactly what Lilly's BF is doing, thank god my wife suspected something and snooped into my texts. My first instinct was to challenge her doing this. In a sexual relationship though, a partner has a right to know what her BF is doing with his time. I was putting my wife at risk as is Lilly's BF.
I really think that physically separating is the answer. Either he will wake up and come clean or he will be thankful that he can now pursue his desire. Either way, it will force the issue. There are other guys that will be good to your boys. Bummer about the house. That really puts a wrench in the works.

[elian]

I get that men might be in denial, or embarrassed, or afraid, or obligated in a relationship - but if you can't be honest with yourself, and with your partner - the person who is supposed to support you the most - what good is it?

I have less sympathy for men who wilfully WANT to pursue multiple partners while being dishonest and somehow thinking that is cool and they are getting away with something ..although evolution will probably prove me wrong - there is a reason that people cheat.

Frankly, however I choose to look at it, it's not my business - it's the business of the people involved.

[Ja&Ve]

Ah hun, that is rough. To Be Bi and to be able to get your needs met openly while he is hiding his Being in denial AND putting you both at risk in the process. Especially if you are open to his safely exploring. That makes me sad for you both. There is potential for so much beauty there if he just opens up and allows his trust to be placed in you. At the end of the day it comes down to communication. The cheating no doubt hurts the most, the deception etc. Even my husband agrees when I told him. You two really need to talk He has got to communicate at this point if you two are ever to move forward. Give him support and love and encouragement. But most of all, do not let him hide. He and you need to get tested. Insist on condoms until he does. No man is worth the risk to your life, ESPECIALLY if you have kids to consider. But: NO ULTIMATUMS. That likely will have him running for the hills faster than anything else. No one likes being made to choose, especially if there is denial involved. Open communicatino, clear boundaries, and maybe a full accountintg of where he goes and who he is with at all times for a while. It will make him realize you are paying attention and he is not going to be able to "get away" with anything. Best of luck to you.

[MissMeBi]

Thank you all for your input. I am not at all uncomfortable with his being Bisexual nor am I uncomfortable with his having sex with men what is pissing me off is the lying and sneaking. Honestly if he would just tell me the truth I could live with all of it, I am a very open person sexually. I love sex and every aspect of it m2m mm2f mw2m mw2f I love it all. I just realized that there were signs long before I found the email, we went to a swingers party and I decided right away I wanted a TS and he happily agreed we both tag teamed the TS no straight guy is going to let a TS suck him off nor is he going to top the TS and I was present for all of it! we went on to have a few more TS partners because I love the versatility of them. And to answer the question yes it turns me the fuck on to watch that stuff. I am a reasonable woman, I would never leave him for being bi sexual and I would happily keep his secret my only issue is that he is lying and hiding it so now he has forced me to do the unthinkable. He is 100% still doing it, I will catch him and then he will not be able to deny anything, it could be the end of my relationship because he will absolutely feel betrayed, but it's a risk I am willing to take since he has decided its ok to betray me by cheating and lying. Who knows maybe it will make our relationship stronger if he doesn't have to hide from me anymore and of coarse I am hoping for the latter.

[MissMeBi]

You seem to suffer from a common disfunction in heterosexual females in a relationship with a bisexual man. You are a snoop and do not respect his boundaries. That is what he told you. You chose to look into his tablet after discovering his password. No one forced you to continue to snoop. No one forced you to look in the first place. Often women who have done what you'd did can give a reason. Bottom line is that you are insecure and possessive in your present relationship. This may feel harsh but reflect on it. This may not the first time that you have snooped into a guy's territory that he did not give you permission to look into. Neither of you are functioning in a trusting relationship at the moment.

Walk away from him. It may be best for both of you.
or
Accept that he wants to have sex with men and you. Create some boundaries.

This will be difficult since he will not admit that he does this m2m. That is his business. Your business is whether you can accept this or can not.

Leave if you can not accept him. By physically leaving this may force him to admit his sexuality to himself and to you. Use Gear's suggestions as well. Understand if he does that this will be a deep emotional issues connected to his identity as a man. Only then can you begin to move foreword to create boundaries and rules for his sexually playing with other men.

BTW I am not straight ;) I'm Bi also so I don't think I suffer from anything except feelings of betrayal, dishonesty and a general lack of respect from my partner.

[MissMeBi]

yea would never give an ultimatum only because I dont believe those solve anything. Communication is always key but he's not communicating much as I try. We went to Venice Beach yesterday, tried the whole drive home to get him to open up. Using his brother who is 100% out of the closet as an example of how coming out could make someone feel 10000% better in their own skin, to no avail he just smile and said " not gonna happen babe" ... I dont know what else I can say to let him know I am here, I wont leave and I accept him for who he is.

[MissMeBi]

No it's not a phase. If a man is hetero/straight he's not going to have sex with men, or go to glory holes and have other guys suck him off. Despite how a lot of bi and gay men need the pipe dream fantasy of having sex with a hetero/straight guy.

I agree it's not a phase the emails I stumbled onto go back over 3 years so this is something he's been doing his whole life. Straight men dont let other men suck their cocks and they dont top other men in front of their partners, he has done this in front of me with a TS clearly not a woman and in any straight mans mind he knows its not a woman so that should have been my first clue right there. I dont think he is gay he watches more straight porn than m2m and he is still very sexual in our relationship but he definitely craves being the sub with men, he is 100% a bottom when he is with men.

[MissMeBi]

well iv gone and done it now, I emailed 2 of the men he met with and i pretended to be him, they both acknowledged he is a bottom and a sub in his m2m encounters. i did come clean with both men and let them know who i really was neither of them gave any fault to me said it was wrong he has been hiding this, apparently he allowed one to BB him but assured me he is clean LOL Im so getting checked. Now I really dont know what to do i dont want to scream and yell at him but holy #$%^!

[pole_smoker]

well iv gone and done it now, I emailed 2 of the men he met with and i pretended to be him, they both acknowledged he is a bottom and a sub in his m2m encounters. i did come clean with both men and let them know who i really was neither of them gave any fault to me said it was wrong he has been hiding this, apparently he allowed one to BB him but assured me he is clean LOL Im so getting checked. Now I really dont know what to do i dont want to scream and yell at him but holy #$%^!
Yes do get tested for STDs. I hope and pray you are not HIV+. Also, run as fast as you can away from your lying and cheating BF.

[tenni]

Missy
If you are bisexual and you have tried to get him to open up, how did you do this? Did you try self disclosure and discuss your awakening sexually? Have you discussed sexual encounters that you have had with women(or have you never been sexually active with other women?) Share your experiences in a non condemning/confrontational way. Being a bottom with men while assertive sex with women is common for some bisexual men.

The whole digging deeper by contacting men that he has had sex with is destructive to you and to your relationship. Surely, you recognize his bisexuality and don't need anymore evidence?

Do you accept it in the sense of recognizing his same sex actions and consent to him continuing having sex with other men?

If you do, as part of your self disclosure what are your rules /boundaries for him to do so? Perhaps discussed from a general approach that if you had a bisexual partner you would want these rules. Let him know in a non confrontational approach even if he won't admit his sex activity. If you consent to him having sex with men, let him know and that may be your starting point to building rules. (condoms for anal sex with other men, testing, you want to meet the guys etc.)

If he stays closed, he may feel very threatened to his own identity. Next, step to help him may be to get counselling with a bi friendly counsellor. (not a gay counsellor) You can not do it on your own.

[vinnyd799]

I guess he's gay, and he doesn't want to come out, staying with you, for cover up, cuz he doesn't want to have sex with you at all

[Ja&Ve]

well iv gone and done it now, I emailed 2 of the men he met with and i pretended to be him, they both acknowledged he is a bottom and a sub in his m2m encounters. i did come clean with both men and let them know who i really was neither of them gave any fault to me said it was wrong he has been hiding this, apparently he allowed one to BB him but assured me he is clean LOL Im so getting checked. Now I really dont know what to do i dont want to scream and yell at him but holy #$%^!

Oh wow, never underestimate a mans ability to underestimate a woman.

Definitely get checked. That's your life and health he is messing with. Go and buy some condoms. In a calm and matter of fact way you let him know the fluid bond has been broken without your consent and you will be protecting yourself. If you want to stay with this man knowing what he evidently prefers to do is fine, but you will not allow yourself to be placed at risk. The only one you can control is you and with children you MUST keep yourself safe.

[MissMeBi]

oh contrary he still has sex with me just not as regular as he used to but he still does have sex with me that is why im freaking out hes been doing all of this behind my back and I have no idea if hes been safe according to one of the men I spoke to he was not as he allowed anal with no condom.

[tenni]

"Oh wow, never underestimate a mans ability to underestimate a woman."
This is an interesting statement perspective but lines up with your previous statements.

MissMeBi
Yes, you should get tested. I expect that you have ended any sexual contact with him until you get clarification as to what this man told you is true. All trust seems broken.

[elian]

I'm sure he'll view that as even more of a violation of his privacy but I don't blame you for wanting to know the truth. I still would like to know if he just tried it at that time or if he is still actively interested in men. I guess you may not get a straight answer until he feels like he can talk about it. That would be the other question, do you have sex and does he love you? I don't need an answer but the reason I ask is to determine if he is bisexual or not.

I assume you would be cool with the bisexual part, but not the cheating..

I wish I had an answer but I don't.

BTW, you can get an oral HIV test from CVS pharmacy for about $40..they sell them in the regular aisle (I think near the "family planning" sort of stuff). Just remember that it can take up to 4-5 months for an incident of infection to produce enough antibodies to register on the test...and it doesn't test for other STDs, if you trust your health care provider it may be better just to go to them.

[MissMeBi]

I'm sure he'll view that as even more of a violation of his privacy but I don't blame you for wanting to know the truth. I still would like to know if he just tried it at that time or if he is still actively interested in men. I guess you may not get a straight answer until he feels like he can talk about it. That would be the other question, do you have sex and does he love you? I don't need an answer but the reason I ask is to determine if he is bisexual or not.

I assume you would be cool with the bisexual part, but not the cheating..

I wish I had an answer but I don't.

BTW, you can get an oral HIV test from CVS pharmacy for about $40..they sell them in the regular aisle (I think near the "family planning" sort of stuff). Just remember that it can take up to 4-5 months for an incident of infection to produce enough antibodies to register on the test...and it doesn't test for other STDs, if you trust your health care provider it may be better just to go to them.

I have an appt on Monday to get checked, I believe that he loves me he goes to extreme lengths to hide this from me and yes we still have sex. I would be ok with his being Bi it is the lying and cheating that is the problem for me.

[tenni]

There seems to be something missing in your story. You have failed to answer my questions to you about your bisexuality and your disclosure of your sexuality to him?

If he knows that you are bisexual why do you think that he has not disclosed his sexuality to you?

Do you think that he fears being rejected by you?

Contrary to some posters' belief most men who cheat on their wives with men go to great lengths to protect their partner from bringing home a disease.

His behaviour shows wreak less and uncaring behaviour if he actually did bareback with a man.

There is something missing in his behaviour if he is a rational loving man. It may be a mental illness such as sociopathic (anti social personality disorder)?

[pole_smoker]

Missy
If you are bisexual and you have tried to get him to open up, how did you do this? Did you try self disclosure and discuss your awakening sexually? Have you discussed sexual encounters that you have had with women(or have you never been sexually active with other women?) Share your experiences in a non condemning/confrontational way. Being a bottom with men while assertive sex with women is common for some bisexual men.

The whole digging deeper by contacting men that he has had sex with is destructive to you and to your relationship. Surely, you recognize his bisexuality and don't need anymore evidence?

Do you accept it in the sense of recognizing his same sex actions and consent to him continuing having sex with other men?

If you do, as part of your self disclosure what are your rules /boundaries for him to do so? Perhaps discussed from a general approach that if you had a bisexual partner you would want these rules. Let him know in a non confrontational approach even if he won't admit his sex activity. If you consent to him having sex with men, let him know and that may be your starting point to building rules. (condoms for anal sex with other men, testing, you want to meet the guys etc.)

If he stays closed, he may feel very threatened to his own identity. Next, step to help him may be to get counselling with a bi friendly counsellor. (not a gay counsellor) You can not do it on your own.
If she sees a counselor it wouldn't really matter if the counselor is gay/lesbian, as gay/lesbian people, as well as heterosexual people can and do understand bisexuality even though they themselves are not bisexual.

This guy that MissMeBi is with is a liar, into having unprotected sex, and into cheating. Why even stay with someone like this?

If you do have sex with him have safer sex, and use condoms.

[pole_smoker]

T
Contrary to some posters' belief most men who cheat on their wives with men go to great lengths to protect their partner from bringing home a disease.


Wrong. Married men that cheat on their wives do take major risks sexually with the people who they cheat with like MissMeBi's boyfriend does by having unprotected anal sex. Plus, condoms don't prevent against all STDs as I know people who used condoms and who did get herpes and/or HPV.

[MissMeBi]

There seems to be something missing in your story. You have failed to answer my questions to you about your bisexuality and your disclosure of your sexuality to him?

If he knows that you are bisexual why do you think that he has not disclosed his sexuality to you?

Do you think that he fears being rejected by you?

Contrary to some posters' belief most men who cheat on their wives with men go to great lengths to protect their partner from bringing home a disease.

His behaviour shows wreak less and uncaring behaviour if he actually did bareback with a man.

There is something missing in his behaviour if he is a rational loving man. It may be a mental illness such as sociopathic (anti social personality disorder)?

He does know I am Bi I told him early in our dating period. he fully accepted it and we set ground rules. Any sexual contact with anyone where we were not both present was cheating. We agreed we would not step outside our relationship without the other being party to the process. I dont think he fears rejection I think he feels this makes him less of a man, he's a decorated Army Soldier he has a "manly" appearance to uphold and I believe he may not really know who or what he is yet as he refuses to face it head on. I dont think he feels what he is doing is cheating since he never disclosed he was Bi in the first place. His mind works in an odd way. If I had to guess I think he may have something off I know he suffers from PTSD as he was in the war in Afganistan and was shot twice while over there, he came home a different man. His propensity for sexual contact with men happened long before that though so he has been struggling with this part of his life for atleast 15 years from what I can gather so far. His brother is 100% out of the closet, I think he fears he may be gay as well. I dont believe he is gay, I think he worries he is not a man if he admits he is Bi.

[cbb83]

If she sees a counselor it wouldn't really matter if the counselor is gay/lesbian, as gay/lesbian people, as well as heterosexual people can and do understand bisexuality even though they themselves are not bisexual.

I have never in my life met a straight person who actually understands what non-heterosexuals are going through. Plenty are sympathetic, but that's not the same thing. For that matter, I've never met gays who understand bisexuality either - nor bisexuals who really understand homosexuality. A counselor or good friend that's also bisexual would probably be a good choice to talk to about these sorts of issues.

I agree with the bit about the guy being a liar and cheater though... MissMeBi, you've really got to consider if you're ok with the cheating, and if you believe you can work through this. The STD risk is a very real thing and honestly a very distinct possibility if he's promiscuous.

If you think you can work it through: you're probably right about him being in denial, there's a strong anti-homosexuality sentiment in the military (despite all the down-low that goes on) and it probably is messing with his head. Until he can get over that though, he may well continue cheating. If you are ok with him having sex with men in your presence, you could try to arrange that - he might be worried you'll want in on the action with the other guy though. Men can be stupid and jealous like that - it's hardwired for many of us (literally a genetic thing, but I'll spare you the sexual genetics lecture). If you've got no interest in participating, you could offer assurances.

It's a crappy situation. You've got my sympathies. I hope it works out for you two.

[pole_smoker]

I have never in my life met a straight person who actually understands what non-heterosexuals are going through. Plenty are sympathetic, but that's not the same thing. For that matter, I've never met gays who understand bisexuality either - nor bisexuals who really understand homosexuality. A counselor or good friend that's also bisexual would probably be a good choice to talk to about these sorts of issues.


Heterosexuals who do understand what non-heterosexuals go through or some of the issues we face do exist.

There are also a lot of gay men and lesbian women who also understand bisexuality, and the issues we face.

You need to get out more if you really do believe that there are no heterosexuals, or gay men/lesbian women that understand about bisexuality.

[MissMeBi]

Ok now what to do- I approached him with the tablet and the emails, and he denied denied denied said he had no idea what that email was he had never seen it blah blah blah, I explained to him that I was not going to leave him, that he could trust me that I would never do anything to hurt him. He denied denied denied. Oddly the next day my outlook crashed so I had to go on his PC to grab MS 2013 to re-install it I installed the outlook and somehow it brought over all of his archived .pst files 3 different emails all with the same stuff in them only these were recent 2013-2014 hundreds and hundreds, so I again told him please just be honest with me, I promise you I love you this does not change anything- to which his response was " im done discussing this shit with you, you can either believe me or not I dont give a shit" basically he has given me only 1 choice stay and accept that he is not coming out or leave. I'm so hurt and heartbroken. I love him so much and I am the one person in the entire world who would not judge him, still he chooses to lie to me.

[pole_smoker]

Ok now what to do- I approached him with the tablet and the emails, and he denied denied denied said he had no idea what that email was he had never seen it blah blah blah, I explained to him that I was not going to leave him, that he could trust me that I would never do anything to hurt him. He denied denied denied. Oddly the next day my outlook crashed so I had to go on his PC to grab MS 2013 to re-install it I installed the outlook and somehow it brought over all of his archived .pst files 3 different emails all with the same stuff in them only these were recent 2013-2014 hundreds and hundreds, so I again told him please just be honest with me, I promise you I love you this does not change anything- to which his response was " im done discussing this shit with you, you can either believe me or not I dont give a shit" basically he has given me only 1 choice stay and accept that he is not coming out or leave. I'm so hurt and heartbroken. I love him so much and I am the one person in the entire world who would not judge him, still he chooses to lie to me.
This guy isn't worth it, leave him or break up and find someone better who is actually honest and who doesn't lie.

[Ja&Ve]

I'm so sorry hun. You are stuck in a no win situation. Either you just accept that he is going to always do this behind your back and be okay with his lying to not only you but himself or you leave and lose what you have built with him. :(

so so many men here would kill for such an accepting and open partner. I hope he wakes up and realized the gift he has been given.

[Hoosier]

I wish I HAD a GF like you that I could be open with!

[charles-smythe]

I recently stumbled on an email account on an old tablet of my BF. Password was intact, and I found inside emails to and from other men that he has apparently slept with. I have been with him for a year and a half we recently bought a home together. I am confused as all get out. Things that I didn't understand now leave me with more questions than answers. You would think that my finding out he is bi would freak me out, fact is it doesn't. I am Bi and we have been acting on my needs, but it is clear to me now that he needs something else and he has chosen not to talk to me about it and cheated on me numerous times. So I found out he is a bottom, he loves to give oral and frequents glory holes. So far there is no evidence that he has cheated with another woman, but he has clearly been with men. I am just at a loss here, don't know how to bring it up. assuming if he is closet this long he is never coming out and honestly feel betrayed and very hurt. Any advice or insight is welcomed. I should mention that other than the fact he has all but stopped having sex with me he is an amazing provider and he is good to me and my boys.
.
...in a word...society excepts bi girls...but not bi guys...probably afraid of how you would react...I had a bi girlfriend that would eat a pussy every chance she got...BUT...she thought the worst thing in the world was one guy sucking another's cock...double standard...

[2bi2Bboring]

MissMeBi, I know that finding out he's been having bi sex without you is a shock. Especially since you seem to be receptive to playing together. Acceptance is the key to resolving this issue, accepting his bisexuality is going to be what makes or breaks your relationship. He fears rejection from you or he'd have already disclosed his extra curricular activities. You have a right to be angry that he has not been more careful with his own body. Exposing himself and you to STDs is uncool and a violation of your trust. But, if I were you, seeing how fully invested you are in your relationship, I'd sit down and gently reveal your acceptance. Don't let it digress to anger and fighting. It's easy to get lost in the trap of a cheating partner. But if you are ok with the content of his sexuality, accept it and reveal what you know in a way he will accept as well. The monogamy issue is already breached with your own bisexuality, let him know he has nothing to fear and everything to gain by revealing himself and his sexual appetites. Fear is his motivation for concealing his sexuality. The stigma of male bisexuality is real, it's what keeps men from being a self-actuated, self-realized ,out members of their community.
Some unfortunately find excitement in the act of cheating, if this has become the motivation for his extra-curricular sex then ther is not much that can save you unless you wish to be the female equivalent of a cuckold. I find this behavior to be self-deprecating and unhealthy, but that's just me. I have issues with cheaters, they remove the possibility of acceptance and sacrifice their relationships on the altar of self-satisfaction. Hurting your partner is a big fat trust issue, it's selfish and cruel. But an open, out bisexual relationship between consenting partners is a beautiful thing. That's what you need to strive for, and the path is acceptance.

I wish you luck, and I would say you are going to need to take a deep breath and be careful how you do this. It's so easy to digress and end up in a place I don't think you want to be. Arguing and fighting will only end up with the two of you ending your relationship. Be careful.

[whispering]

You are very clear on the issues---this is about trust, not sex. He's put your health at risk, and has completely nullified your ability to make decisions about sex and playing safely. He's had several opportunities to come clean, and hasn't. He's careless and irresponsible with his own health and yours. My question is, why are you still with him? Something's going on here between you and him. What is it? What's the dynamic that has kept you from giving him the boot, and kept him from coming clean? You need to figure that out, because until you do, either nothing will happen or your will make bad decisions.

My own take is that he has some BIG issues, and in a frozen dynamic those just aren't going to get worked out. I think you need to bite the bullet and separate, and see what happens. And trust your own judgment about having sex. If you were just meeting a guy who sucks cock at glory holes and barebacks, would you have sex with him?

[pole_smoker]

You are very clear on the issues---this is about trust, not sex. He's put your health at risk, and has completely nullified your ability to make decisions about sex and playing safely. He's had several opportunities to come clean, and hasn't. He's careless and irresponsible with his own health and yours. My question is, why are you still with him? Something's going on here between you and him. What is it? What's the dynamic that has kept you from giving him the boot, and kept him from coming clean? You need to figure that out, because until you do, either nothing will happen or your will make bad decisions.

My own take is that he has some BIG issues, and in a frozen dynamic those just aren't going to get worked out. I think you need to bite the bullet and separate, and see what happens. And trust your own judgment about having sex. If you were just meeting a guy who sucks cock at glory holes and barebacks, would you have sex with him?
Exactly. This guy is not only a pathological liar of a closet queen that's in deep denial; but he probably has all sort of STDs and is HIV+.

It's not surprising that he's down low/closeted, and in denial of being bisexual or gay, having unsafe sex, and married/partnered to a woman as bi and gay guys like this take major risks.