Time to face the facts

[Biroadie]

Well, I wish I could say my first post was a happy one but it really isn't. I like to see what other people have done in my position and take those advice into consideration...okay story time.

I met a girl through a university's GBLT club last summer (summer 2005) and we started hanging out, at first we were just friends, but then we proceded into a fu(|< friends arrangement. After a little while we realized that there was more than just a little attraction, we were in fact in love. We had some issues with open relationships which resulted in several breaks, seven in fact, we got back together around December and have been very happy since. We hadn't talk about the open relationship yet at that time.

Till...

She got a very sweet job for the summer working in the States as a camp councillor. She's been gone for about two months now, and it's hard to get by with just e-mail and phone calls. I haven't really talked to her in that time, and she has changed in personality. I don't know if it's infact an actual change or just simply because she is with other types of people. There was an opportunity where by I had a chance to sleep with someone, we got back to my place, and we fooled around, but at the end of the day, no sex, not even oral. I had my girlfriend's permission at the time, and vice versa. Now she has some girl-toy at the camp and is as far as I can see, no longer sexually frustrated.

So the question is, while there will probably be an fuck period when she comes home, at what point does someone say, "it's been very fun, but this isn't working?"

Oh yeah, one little ditbit of information, I am 27, and she is five years my junior.

[littlerayofsunshine]

I have read and reread your post. I don't understand why it isn't working? Someone who is away, especially to a foreign place, will change in personality to some extent. Its called adaptation. If you have each others permission to fool around. Then she is keeping her end of the deal. If it is satisfying for her, then it is a bonus. You may not mean it sound this way, but I hear a bit of jealousy. Which will kill the relationship definatley. She will come back home and get re-aquanted. But sounds like you have a decision already made. You two had a rocky start to begin with. What could you really have expected overall? You discuss it like it is a business arrangement instead of a nurtured loving relationship. Anyway, thats my :2cents:

[Biroadie]

you are right, there is a bit of jealousy, there is no point denying it, I am jealous but no I do not think that I have my mind made up. This is the longest relationship that I have had with someone, and the happiest one.

Why do you say it sounds like a business transaction?

[littlerayofsunshine]

I met a girl through a university's GBLT club last summer (summer 2005) and we started hanging out, at first we were just friends, but then we proceded into a fu(|< friends arrangement.

So the question is, while there will probably be an fuck period when she comes home, at what point does someone say, "it's been very fun, but this isn't working?"



Those statements right there make it sound like a business arrangement and also leads me to conclude that you made a decision. As I said it was only my opinion and nothing more.

[Herbwoman39]

I have to agree with Ray. It sounds like you've already made up your mind.

If you love this girl then let her know *when she gets back* that you can't handle an open relationship. It would be unfair to drop this on her over the phone. Just ask for what you need in the relationship. You've got to communicate your feelings and listen to hers for a relationship to be sucessful in the long term.

[jedinudist]

Biroadie,

I'm having trouble seeing specifically why you feel the relationship is not working.

It sounds like you miss her, it sounds like you care for her, and although you seem to have an issue with it, it does sound like you BOTH gave your blessing to each other to find a sexual friend while you were apart. You say you "fooled around with" but didn't have sex with a person you brought home even though you have your girlfriend's permission, but then go on to mention that she has "some girl-toy at camp".

I assume you're both bisexual (met in a GLBT group, you're male, she's female and you were sexual friends for a while before falling in love) and the way you wrote your post makes it look like even though you have had issues with the idea of an open relationship in the past, you both have the other's permission to find a sexual friend while you are currently apart. Why is that changing?

And what do you mean by this---> "So the question is, while there will probably be an fuck period when she comes home, at what point does someone say, "it's been very fun, but this isn't working?"

Im trying to be non-judgemental, but the way the sentence is structured makes it look like you intend to split up after she returns to Canada, and possibly afeter being sexual with her again.

Either way - I would strongly advise against hitting her with any of this over the phone- that's a really bad thing to do to the other person.

But I would bring it up BEFORE getting sexual with her again once she returns.

I guess I'm just having a little trouble understanding why you're upset and what you need from us. I'd be happy to chat with you about it if you like.

I wish you both well.

[Biroadie]

Thanks for all the positive feedback, I mean it. Yes a lot of what all of you have said makes perfect sense, and part of me believe it. I love this girl, I don't think I have loved anyone as much, oh gosh I am going to cry...

This is just all happening concurrently with my mid-20's crisis. I no longer enjoy my professional and due to my pre-out mindset, I am in engineering, but I rather be in something else, all that, plus this was just a bit much.

Before she left for the States, we always had stupid sayings, but now it seems it's kind of pointless to do it over the phone. I go through separation anxiety so I spent half of my day shaking. I guess I was stupid to think, "well if I get it, I guess it's far, but if I am not, you shouldn't either," yes I know it's stupid, y'all that want to flog me, you will have to wait, I am not done with myself yet. Now I think, and I fear, she will dump me because I am boring, my head likes to play tricks on me.

Gosh I am all over the place.

P.S. - anyone like to actually talk, you are more than welcome to add me to your MSN.

Cheers,