Sexual Addiction?

[bsteve1961]

I write this with a bit of trepidation because I am think some people may not think its exactly appropriate on this web site. Nonetheless, if there is a chance that it might help someone else, I want to say what I have to say.

I have come to the personal conclusion that I am acting in a way that is compulsive and indicative of addictive behaviors. I have found myself spending inordinate amounts of time on this computer perusing sites such as this one as well as being involved in other clandestine sexual activity and self gratifications.

I have performed sexual acts with men and spend a lot of time trying to "hook-up" with others. The reality is that I don't think I'm even bisexual, just sexually compulsive. Meeting guys from the internet is, for me personally, just the crack cocaine of my sexual addiction: cheap and easy to find.

There are a number of people, specifically married men, on this site looking to meet up with a man for discrete sexual activity. Some of us (not me in my heart) believe that this is not "cheating" on our spouses and we justify our behaviors a number of ways, including by blaming the spouse. But the reality is that we seek sexual gratification and will look to either man or woman to satisfy our compulsions regardless of our true sexual preferences.

I am going to seek help. I am not sure where to get it and would appreciate any tips on where to find it if anyone has any. But to live in this secret world is destructive to me and I am sure it is to the other husbands out there seeking discrete sexual encounters. I also wonder if bisexuality is also being used by even open persons in some cases to simply satisfy sexual compulsions without guilt. For example, I have read several profiles from married people who say their spouses are learning to accept their bisexual behavior or are spouses of people with bisexual lovers. If they are married however, why should they not be monogamous simply because they are bisexual rather then heterosexual? I pity the spouse who falls for that one.

I am not saying everyone on here has a problem. I have recognized, however, that I do and suspect a number of people here do too. I am not a prude and am only referring to dishonest or compulsive sexual behaviors not mere sexual preferences.

Anyway, I wanted to do this post probably more to help me recognize my own behaviors than anything else. If I offend anyone I am sorry.

[DiamondDog]

100% monogamy in a marriage isn't for everyone, just like pretending to be heterosexual isn't.

[anne27]

I commend you for admitting your problem. I hope you find the peace you seek.

I do have to agree with DiamondDog, however. Not every marriage depends on monogamy. What goes on with consent between a couple is between them and them only. :2cents:

[BareHunter45]

I wold be interested in what you find out. I feel the same way and wondered about it for years....afraid to admit the problem myself...Let me know..PLEASE?

[littlerayofsunshine]

You answers are just a phone book away. Seek a counselor and gain some insight. They can point you to support groups and the like. And like Diamond dog and anne said. Monogamy isn't for everyone, and open marriages have been around since the biblical days. You shouldn't slight someone over their decisions regarding their marriages. My husband doesn't need your pity, nor do I. Both of us being bisexual and open to each others sexuality and needs only makes us more loving and stronger than any hetero marriage that fails because one or both spouses don't even bother to give the other spouse what they need, be it money, comfort, or the perfect life.

I am glad you have decided to dig deeper into yourself and see what should change. I wish you luck and health in your journey.

[UnclearOnItAll]

You answers are just a phone book away. Seek a counselor and gain some insight. They can point you to support groups and the like. And like Diamond dog and anne said. Monogamy isn't for everyone, and open marriages have been around since the biblical days. You shouldn't slight someone over their decisions regarding their marriages. My husband doesn't need your pity, nor do I. Both of us being bisexual and open to each others sexuality and needs only makes us more loving and stronger than any hetero marriage that fails because one or both spouses don't even bother to give the other spouse what they need, be it money, comfort, or the perfect life.

I am glad you have decided to dig deeper into yourself and see what should change. I wish you luck and health in your journey.

I'm not sure if he was saying that all non-monogamous relationships are wrong, but I would agree that they are if the other spouse is either unaware or uncomfortable with their spouse having outside sexual relations. Personally I would like to have one, but my wife says no and marriage is important to me so I don't.

[littlerayofsunshine]

I'm not sure if he was saying that all non-monogamous relationships are wrong, but I would agree that they are if the other spouse is either unaware or uncomfortable with their spouse having outside sexual relations. Personally I would like to have one, but my wife says no and marriage is important to me so I don't.


from bsteve. For example, I have read several profiles from married people who say their spouses are learning to accept their bisexual behavior or are spouses of people with bisexual lovers. If they are married however, why should they not be monogamous simply because they are bisexual rather then heterosexual? I pity the spouse who falls for that one.

These statements are the reason I said what I said. If I have misunderstood it.. I apologize. But they sound very clear to me. I applaud you for putting your wife first over your needs. Thats is something that makes a marriage work. As long as both spouses are willing to respect each other.

[kinsey_3]

I also wonder if bisexuality is also being used by even open persons in some cases to simply satisfy sexual compulsions without guilt.

What's wrong with that? What, really, is so bad about having as much safe, consensual sex as you want to have?

If you're worried you might be having compulsive sexual encounters, ask yourself if you are attracted to the person you're with, or the situation you're seeing them in? Are you genuinely attracted to, say, short hairy men with beerguts (some are), or to the seedy, sleazy appeal of doing dirty things with them in dingy locations?

Is it the thrill of picking someone up? Someone totally at random? Someone you will never see again?

These are all perfectly understandable motives for having casual sex. Casual sex can be one of the most wonderful things in the world. It's like a long, delicious piss against the wall after two hours of needing to go. It's like the taste of cold Coke on a summer's day; or a ray of sunshine piercing the rainclouds for a moment, ... then it's gone. Not everything can endure forever: the scent and blossom of the honeysuckle wouldn't be half as delightful if it hung around 365 days of the year (and 366 in a Leap Year).

It's only guilt making you feel bad. Guilt is PCBs for the soul: useless, directionless poison that builds up, irrespective of whether you actually ought to feel it or not, and doesn't even help you put right what you feel you may have done. There are mass murderers in jail who don't get a whiff of the stuff, and here you are, flogging yourself red raw over a bit of cock. Don't give into it. I'm not telling you to go out there and stick your weener in every opportunity that presents itself; I'm telling you to enjoy life, enjoy sex, enjoy the bodies of the men you find on your way, spread pleasure and brighten up someone's day. The day you brighten up may be your own.

[12voltman59]

If you feel that your actions are a problem in your life--then you are already a great deal along the path to fixing things and also that you have decided to seek therapy--just be aware that you might not find the right therapist for you on your first attempt--don't let that dissuade you--you have to have a level of trust and confidence in someone who you are going to allow to peek inside your psyche----

I wish you the best in finding the right therapist for you and he or she can help lead you to finding the answers that are best for you--the best therapists in cases where the person undergoing the therapy is like you--someone who realizes they simply need some assistance navigating a rough patch in life--such therapists are really simply facilitators--they help lead you to find the best answers for you--not direct you and take control over you---

Good luck and Godspeed....

[the sacred night]

I also wonder if bisexuality is also being used by even open persons in some cases to simply satisfy sexual compulsions without guilt.

What's wrong with that? What, really, is so bad about having as much safe, consensual sex as you want to have?


I agree. I don't really understand the concept of "sex addiction." Maybe you have a high sex drive, or like variety in your sex life, but what's wrong with that? If it's destroying your life or marriage, maybe you just need to find healthier ways of expressing it, like being honest with your partner for starters. If you are into other men only for sex and not interested in relationships with them, that doesn't mean you're a sex addict and not really bi... there are lots of bi people that feel that way and it's fine as long as they know that about themselves and can accept it.

[UnclearOnItAll]

[I] I'm not telling you to go out there and stick your weener in every opportunity that presents itself; I'm telling you to enjoy life, enjoy sex, enjoy the bodies of the men you find on your way, spread pleasure and brighten up someone's day. The day you brighten up may be your own.

I think the point is that he is not honest with his wife, that he finds himself compulsively engaging is dangerous behaviors in secret with people he has no other relationship. Personally I think that the self assesment of addiction sounds right on in that case and that he would do well to seek help.

I'm not condemning anyone's personal choices, but the cheating on the wife part is not likely to bode well for the marriage, plain and simple. It also might submit the marital partner to risks that the partner did not choose (there is no such thing as completely safe sex when you consider things such as herpes and other communicable diseases).

[julie]

hey Steve,

i dont know if you have heard of 'sex and love addicts anonymous'?

it comes under the alcoholics anonymous umbrella and focuses on the sexual side of relationship addiction.. i've posted a link to their site which features a '40 questions for self diagnosis pamphlet' which may help you to identify any areas you may need to work with...?

although i havent personal experience of 'slaa' i did go along to Codependants Anonymous meetings for about a year to work on my own addictive relationaship issues..and learned a lot about myself and how to manage my unhelpful behaviours ...

i hope this helps..but if not good luck in finding the support you are looking for..

cheers julie :female:




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