Not Fitting the "Part"

[gentlepen9]

I've been a member of this forum for a couple of months now and I don't think I've ever introduced myself. So I would like to say hi to everyone first before I move on.

Okay, I've only recently (three months ago) have came out to my husband about my bisexuality. When I told him this he was very calm and accepting but since then he hasn't said anything about it, not unless I bring it up.
Last night we were having a discussion about something that I can't remember but somehow the conversation turned to him bringing up my sexuality. At first he hesitated and then from between his lips he feably pushed out the word "bi" as if it was difficult for him to say. I asked him "Why did you have such a hard time saying that?" "I don't know." he replied. So due to the silence on the topic over the last couple of months I just came out and said "It doesn't exist to you does it?" His response: "No, it doesn't. I accept it but I just don't see it...I just don't see it in you." So I asked "What do you expect to see when you see a bisexual?" " I don't know. Maybe I'm just stereotyping but I just don't see you as being bisexual. You're my wife, the woman I've come to love and I just don't see that." I have to admit I was rather crushed. It took me a long time to build up the nerve to tell him and now I felt like for some reason he didn't believe me. From the conversation, I gathered that I somehow don't fit the "part". I guess it's not everyday that you meet a sweet, soft-spoken, girl-next-door bisexual who likes to hang out at the bookstore or cafe. Not to mention I don't exhibit the assumed "behavior" of a bisexual. Instead I claim my bisexuality based upon what I feel inside rather than what I've done or have not done.

After the conversation with my husband I started to question whether or not I really was bi. Then I started to remember all the same-sex crushes I've had throughout my life and all the hidden desires I've harbored but never acted on. Those thoughts reaffirmed that I was indeed bisexual but just for a moment I felt like I didn't exist. I felt invisible. It was then that I realized that sometimes people don't see you for who you are or at least don't take your word for it. Instead they see who they want you to be. There have been times that I've thought about going out and trying to "legitamize" my biness just so that I can make it "real". But doing so would go against who I really am and only feed into the typical assumptions of bisexuals. So, I was just wondering has anyone else had to deal with loved ones denying your bisexuality because you don't act like the stereotypical bisexual?

[Mrs.F]

When I found out about my husband (almost a yr. ago) I never, ever would have guessed that he was bisexual in a million yrs. He's a big guy, very manly, and he just didn't in my eyes "fit the part" of liking guys or wanting to have sex with guys. (We seem to all have in our heads that gays and bisexual's all look and act a certain way.) But what he told me he wanted and listening to him speak from his heart, I knew that he was bisexual and I never second guessed him or his feelings. I knew he would never come up with a story like that just for the hell of it, since I didn't take the news too well in the beginning. :(

Your husband may be having trouble really accepting that your bi, however, I feel bad for you because as you said....you worked up the courage and told your husband something that was hard to tell. You can't judge a book by it's cover....you are what you are on the inside, not what you look like on the outside.

***hugs to you*** :)

[onewhocares]

Gentle,

First thank you for feeling comfortable enough with us to share this most distressing time with us. I hope you know that we tend to be an open and supportive group and welcome you with open mind and hearts. I too can feel the pain of your summoning up courage, courage to tell the one you love about a part of you. Being bisexual, having bisexual thoughts or feelings has been a part of you, part of the woman that he loves and married. You have not changed being who you are, just want to share a very important part with him. I think that perhaps he should become more aware of your feelings and want to learn to try and accept them. This site is a wonderful resourse.

Belle

[canuckotter]

Umm... I really hope this doesn't come across as being facetious or anything... Is there a stereotype for bisexual women?

[DiamondDog]

Just be yourself.
Nobody says that you have to fit a "part" with your sexuality.

I've wrote this before on here but think of your sexuality as being unique to you, not as het, gay, or bi as those are stifiling labels and 20th century social constructs.

[PikaPikaChick]

I had a different, but similar conversation with my husband a few years ago. He knew I identified myself as bi when we started dating but the subject was never seriously discussed. Then one day the topic came up and he said something to the effect of, "You can't be bisexual. You're married to a man."

At the time I was shocked and angry that he would say such a thing, that he would try to invalidate such a large part of my identity like that.

Then I realized that it wasn't malice driving his words, it was ignorance. He thought of bisexuality as a lifestyle (like biking or knitting) rather than a state of being (like ethnicity). Your husband might be similarly confused.

I think the stereotype is that bisexuals are all polyamorous sex addicts, or at least that's the impression that I've gotten over the years. My husband and I joke about finding some cute girl for a threesome even though I have never had the slightest inclination toward anything other than monogamy....

[kinsey_3]

Mrs F, I understand about not fitting the stereotype, if there is one. The person I see in my head is a typical bisexual, because for so many years, I was the only bisexual I knew. Since meeting more (and more) of my own kind, I've found that while there is a stereotype (the stereotype is not looking like anyone else, usually), I don't even fit that one.

I think it's good that I don't easily categorise. I try not to categorise other people, either, but I suppose it's just Aristotelian habit.

[zarine]

Umm... I really hope this doesn't come across as being facetious or anything... Is there a stereotype for bisexual women?

yeah i'm ignorant of bi female stereotypes, too... enlighten us both! :cutelaugh

[woolleycouple]

Well I understand a little of what you are going through I came out to my husband only last year. He was only a little shocked but he was still shocked. When you admit this to the one you love you are at your most vulnarable because you love and trust this person to love you no matter what. My own hubby was wonderful he questioned me and he was very comforable with the fact that I am attracted to women. I think that some men have this picture of their wive in which they refuse to see what is there and only see what they want. Give him time he may come around or he may just try to ignore it. Hell if it comes down to sit him down and just talk and tell him what you feel exactly for they can't read our minds( thank god).
take care and best of luck
theresa :2cents:

[Nara_lovely]

Humans are such strange creatures anyway...a full mix of individuals hanging out together in groups.
Then there are partners...

I'm always amazed at how someone can 'accept' who you are (in this case being Bi) yet will not be willing to 'see' it. Why? Is it fear, not enough information, individual beliefs, or a mix of a thousand reasons. Either way, for one person to impose their ideas on you; especially one you are a partner with, and cause you to doubt yourself...well...I think that is wrong!

You've had the open discussion after much soul-searching and analysis of yourself (Yay for the personal journey!!!) and his acceptance/willingness to see it is up to him. BE YOURSELF

My ex-hubby went from the whooo-hooo she's Bi and I get to play with other women too, to (since the separation) a full biblical 'you-are-wrong-and-you-are-being-deceived-by-Satan' stance.
Each to their own. Opinions change. It's not as much your issue to resolve for him. Give him time.
I'll just encourage you to be the best you can be, understand yourself and be proud of the woman you are.

[JrzGuy3]

Umm... I really hope this doesn't come across as being facetious or anything... Is there a stereotype for bisexual women?yeah i'm ignorant of bi female stereotypes, too... enlighten us both! :cutelaugh

Not to assign this to anyone in this community, the stereotype I usually encounter is that bisexual girls are actually straight girls who need attention.

[kezza99]

I understand about love ones denying bisexuality, when I came out to my parents and the rest of the extended family there was a lot of conflict/discussions about my sexuality and the fact that up until then I had only been with guys and just because I hadn't voiced any of my thoughts and feelings to them about my sexuality I couldn't be Bi. At the time I was actually going out with a girl and even through time that we were together they continued to think of it as just a phase that I was going through.

We recently broke up after 3 and a half years and now the family are on my back about now being able to find the "right guy" getting married and having kids. They keep assuming that I'm just going to go out with a guy cause "it was just a phase, that i'm over now". My family is close so I dont want to do anything to jepadise that but at the same time I wish they'd just keep their mouths shut and let me live my own life.
:bibounce:

[EludedSunshine]

Not to assign this to anyone in this community, the stereotype I usually encounter is that bisexual girls are actually straight girls who need attention.
We're straight girls who need attention, are incredibly promiscuous, do the "bi thing" when we're trying to get the attention of a man, and only 'exist' when we're slobbering-drunkenly fondling other girls at parties. Yep, that sounds about like the stereotype to me.

And to that--nope, I don't fit at all. Not one of those things is me.

So far I haven't really had to deal with anyone outrightly denying that I'm bi. However I often wonder how many of them would be genuinely surprised if I showed up one day with some 'proof.' Probably many.

I guess a lot of people assume that if you're not "living the label," you're just randomly tacking it onto yourself for some ulterior motive...or something.

[miss_understood]

Thank you for bringing this up. I am one of the most atypical bisexuals you can think of: I don't get out much, I'm extremely shy, I only had one date ever, and never had a partner that didn't require batteries. That's uncommon nowadays for anybody, much less bisexuals.

I do fit the mold in other ways, though. I am a bit "butch", rarely wearing makeup and always in jeans. I curse like a sailor, I despise chick flicks and romance novels, I have a low speaking voice, and I tend to slouch. Also I'm usually not attracted to straight girls because they tend to be annoying. Just my :2cents:...

[suegeorge]

We're straight girls who need attention, are incredibly promiscuous, do the "bi thing" when we're trying to get the attention of a man, and only 'exist' when we're slobbering-drunkenly fondling other girls at parties. Yep, that sounds about like the stereotype to me.

And to that--nope, I don't fit at all. Not one of those things is me.

So far I haven't really had to deal with anyone outrightly denying that I'm bi. However I often wonder how many of them would be genuinely surprised if I showed up one day with some 'proof.' Probably many.

I guess a lot of people assume that if you're not "living the label," you're just randomly tacking it onto yourself for some ulterior motive...or something.


Yup, that's the stereotype of bi women because that's the way the media portrays us -cute chicks who kiss other women in nightclubs to turn on the men.
Those women do exist, but I'm not sure that I - or they - would call themseves bisexual. There doesn't seem to be any real emotion or desire behind their activities.
Personally, I'm not like any of those stereotypes either, but as I have had a few relationships with women in the past people don't disbelieve my bisexuality. But until I did have those relationships, people just thought I was trying to be trendy and one of my boyfriends thought I was trying to make him jealous.
I have met a lot of bisexual women over the years and we are a tremendously varied bunch!

Bisexuality and beyond (http://suegeorgewrites.blogspot.com)

[gentlepen9]

Thank you everyone for your feedback and input. Since my initial posting my husband and I have talked more about my bisexuality. Through the course of our discussions he made a comparison of me telling him that I was bi to someone like Halle Berry coming out and claiming she’s bi. (My husband is a big Halle Berry fan.) At that point I kind of got the gist of his assumptions. I think in his mind, whether he wants to admit it or not, he has a hard time imagining a woman who’s attractive and rather feminine as being bi or lesbian. It’s the whole “You’re the kind of girl who can get any man, why would you want to be with a woman?” mindset. There’s something about that kind of thinking that just baffles me.
Needless to say my husband made it a point that he didn’t want to make a big deal out this all that really mattered to him was that I loved him and that he’s the only one in my life.

[Chaia]

Hey GP,
I should have read your post sooner! I'm sorry I missed out on all of this. I am glad to hear that you and your husband talked again. I, too, think that sometimes people just need a little time to process things. You have had months...years, if you count the crushes you denied. A little time may be what he needs. Keep bringing it up at times when you think it is the right time and it may help him figure out how he fits into all of this. Sometimes our partners reactions stem from their fear of being left behind. Hugs to you.
:) Chaia