poll: bi married/partnered men, how do you handle it?

[DiamondDog]

The thread about bi married women got me thinking.

If you're a married or partnered man, how do you handle it?

Does your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband know that you're bi? Are you in an open or a closed relationship? If you're in an open marriage/relationship how do you handle it? If you're in a closed marriage/relationship how do you handle it? If you secretly see men or women on the side, how do you handle it?

When you get to wanting to be with a man, or woman for those men partnered/married to men, how do you handle it?

Porn? a boyfriend? a girlfriend (again for those only partnered/married to men)? secret tricks on the side? a strapon/toys? your imagination? memories of previous sexual experiences? phone/cyber sex? a 3 way? group sex? dreams?

What does it get like when you want a man, or a woman (again for those ONLY partnered/married to men)?

[etncple]

When we first got together my wife and I openly discussed our wants, fantasies etc. I told her about my limited bi experiences in the distant past and she told me about her one bi experience, also a long time ago. We had both come from very str8 marriages and decided together to explore our feelings, desires etc. We have had mmf experieces and have loved them. She has found seeing 2 men a great runon and also she has had the chance to experience 2 men giving her all their attention, a long time fantasy of hers. We have been looking for a bi female to join us for a while and I am sure it will happen sooner or later. We always meet as a cple even tho I have told her if she wanted to she could meet a single female alone. Neither of us is really into meeting a bi cple as we enjoy the 2 on 1 aspect of a 3sum and dont want to just swap partners, whether it be mm, ff or mf. We find in the 3sum we feel like we sharing the experience, It works for us anyway and has actually mad our relationship stronger as we can talk about anything without fear of rejection or hurting the other. We never would have gotten to this point if we hadnt discussed all this completely openly and if we weren't 100% trusting of the other. Communication in the beginning was the key.

[BiBiologist]

DiamondDog,
Thanks for starting this thread. It gives both sides a chance to answer the question. :)
sam

[ddbmma]

Obviously not at all here.

The arangement though would be each of us allowed an external partner. A few simple rules of courtesy.

1. Honesty prevails and communication remains open.

2. Always return home to one another.

3. We don't cheat on each other, nor on others.

4. See all above rules, play it safe.

5. No abuse.

We look out for one another too, meaning she meets any external partner I desire. If she has a problem with them, the partner must respect her issue/s. It may be that a relationship needs to go slow, or perhaps not at all. And the inverse applies with her external partner.

As I said though, obviously not at all.

[steve10557]

Thanks for starting this alternative DD. I think that whichever side of the relationship you're on your partners needs have to be respected too. If I fancy anything, I watch some porn until I'm de-spunked, or if she's near by, drag her off to the bedroom for some weird and dirty sex. Then everything is fine again and I can get on with peeling the potatoes :)

______
There was a young fellow called Dave
that kept a dead whore in a cave
he said, "I know it's disgusting,
and she always needs dusting
but think of the money I save!"

[johndotou]

Great discusion,

After reading this and of many years of silence about my bisexuality to anyone outside this board and with a heavy head I admit I do it behind my wifes back. I cant bring myself to tell her. Partly due to the type of person she is, and partly due to embaresment and fear.

Although in the begining of my relationship to my now wife, we did visit swing clubs so she could have BI experiences of her own,which I might add she enjoyed and would still providing the person and setting/timing was right (her admision).
She has stated in the past,if she saw me and another man together it would gross her out and she would think different of me.

So my situation totally sucks, because I hate going behind her back, but I do it to satisfy the urge or need.

[Slurpie]

In response to the last comment:
Being true to whatever the parameters of your relationship are is important. Having hidden encounters puts a lot of stress on relationships. But once youv'e done it it is hard to go back. It sounds as if your wife has a problem with male bisexuality. The question is can she accept you having an occasional encounter or does she view marriage as monogamous only. Your choices are:
1. continue cheating and deal with your guilt.
2. stop now and be happy with what you have.
3. get out and look for something else.
Good luck with it. :flag1:

In response to the thread:
How do we deal with it? Well it helps that we met on a site like this one. We talk. While we were dating my wife saw me jerk a guy off and was really turned on by it. We were scheduled to go to a bi-meet but due to an accident at work she wasn't able and we have been talking about our next encounter since. She has sent me off on my own but I relly prefer having her with me. Hopefully we will meet a nice couple soon and explore some more. Till then we have our feeldoe (strapless strapon). She doesn't get porn but will occasionally watch a flick with me. So we continue to explore our relationship. There will always be both men and women that she or I will get all horny for and I love sucking cock but I would not want to jeapordize my relationship for a momentary lustful impulse. She seems to feel the same.
I want her to enjoy my bi-sexuality as part of who I am.

[thongman45]

My wife and I have an open relationship. We must meet, and approve of any potential sexual partner. and obay the aformentioned rules.

[jedinudist]

I told my wife that I had been sexually active and attracted to both genders before we really stated courting. I didn't use the term "Bisexual" because I was still in denial and just couldn't apply that term to myself.

She is the only person (male or female) I have ever fallen in Love with, so I honestly believed my desires for sex with another guy would simply fade away in the face of these awesome, wonderful, powerful feelings we felt for one another.

Thus, we got married, with no intention of ever seeking or even desiring sex with anyone else (closed relationship). And we were happy. (we still are :) )

As time passed, I noticed that not only did my desires to have sex with another guy not fade, they were growing stronger. This started a long cycle of emotional issues for me that started to affect my behavior (which became sullen at times, depressed, etc.).

Over the years of our marriage, we have done some significant growing emotionally, intellectually, spritually, and as a couple. We were always able to be and actually were very honest with each other, so after allot of time trying to deny what was bothering me (to myself), I started talking to her about it. We've really spoken in depth about my sexuality and needs allot over the last few years until she Lovingly helped me accept who I am. I could burn up all the space on Bisexual.com's servers talking about all the ups and downs this brought to our marriage. Thank the Creator we are both intelligent and deeply in Love, for that saved our mariage more times than I care to remember.

I have her blessing to have a boyfriend if I want one. It is something that she offered to me along with telling me that she has come to understand that I Love only her, and that what I am craving is simply the same kind of sex with another guy I always had in the past; i.e.- the type good friends would have as friends. Not as two people in Love. She amazes me constantly :) Until I met her, that's the only type of sex I ever had, whether with guys or gals - the "friends with benefits" kind. I had never made Love to anyone until I met my wife.

She made that offer to me in June, but I still have not found a boyfriend. I guess most of the guys that have come on to me simply do not understand the concept of being actual friends for a while before jumping into bed! I don't want to have sex with strangers. YUCK!! Im not looking for romance, but friendship. And I have to be pretty comfortable with a friend before anything sexual could be considered. He would actually have to be a real friend, not just a horny aquaintance. And friendships take a little time to develop. I'm also now concerned about my health for a completely new and even more important reason - my wife. I do not want to catch anything and hurt her by passing it on, having her watch me suffer from it, etc.

It's still very frustrating to crave sexual contact with another guy without satisfying that need, but I am not the kind of guy that likes the idea of "hooking up" to relieve that.

So, when I "get to wanting" to be with another guy, I just don't allow that to over-ride my sensibilities. I just cope with it alone, remembering boyfriends from high school, etc. However, I must say that it is so very much easier to do so now that everything is not only in the open, but I know that I can actually have a boyfriend. That took an amazing amount of tension, stress, and pressure off my back and my mind.

Thanks for starting this one DD.

[Reprob8]

Great discusion,

After reading this and of many years of silence about my bisexuality to anyone outside this board and with a heavy head I admit I do it behind my wifes back. I cant bring myself to tell her. Partly due to the type of person she is, and partly due to embaresment and fear.

Although in the begining of my relationship to my now wife, we did visit swing clubs so she could have BI experiences of her own,which I might add she enjoyed and would still providing the person and setting/timing was right (her admision).
She has stated in the past,if she saw me and another man together it would gross her out and she would think different of me.

So my situation totally sucks, because I hate going behind her back, but I do it to satisfy the urge or need.


All moral arguments aside as I am having a hard time with this and have come close to cheating. Make damn sure you are safe, the one guy so far that I WOULD have jumped in the sack with told me after I came on to him that he is HIV+. He has been very helpful in educating me of the dangers of STD's and has probably helped me avoid getting something nasty.

Just be safe, your wife doesn't deserve an STD because you made a mistake.
As for your wifes homophobia that is a tough situation and I understand it is difficult when she was able to explore openly her bi side but is so strongly against male bisexuality.

You could try to continue the way things are but it seems to have a negative effect on you. You can chose not to cheat and use porn and masturbation (allot of us here do that). You can tell her and deal with the repercussions or you can see a therapist but I would suggest seeing the therapist individually before bringing your wife in, explain that your feeling and attraction for her and your attraction for men. Try to find a therapist who is GLBT friendly and is bi friendly, if you get a quack who believes bisexuality does not exist at any level you will have problems, such as a therapist telling you that you should get a divorce and go live a happy gay life (I am not kidding, some have no idea how to process bisexuality).

[johndotou]

All moral arguments aside as I am having a hard time with this and have come close to cheating. Make damn sure you are safe, the one guy so far that I WOULD have jumped in the sack with told me after I came on to him that he is HIV+. He has been very helpful in educating me of the dangers of STD's and has probably helped me avoid getting something nasty.

Just be safe, your wife doesn't deserve an STD because you made a mistake.
As for your wifes homophobia that is a tough situation and I understand it is difficult when she was able to explore openly her bi side but is so strongly against male bisexuality.

You could try to continue the way things are but it seems to have a negative effect on you. You can chose not to cheat and use porn and masturbation (allot of us here do that). You can tell her and deal with the repercussions or you can see a therapist but I would suggest seeing the therapist individually before bringing your wife in, explain that your feeling and attraction for her and your attraction for men. Try to find a therapist who is GLBT friendly and is bi friendly, if you get a quack who believes bisexuality does not exist at any level you will have problems, such as a therapist telling you that you should get a divorce and go live a happy gay life (I am not kidding, some have no idea how to process bisexuality).


You know, I read your reply/post in response to my post. To simply sum it up how I interpeted your response, in a few words: You are exactly right 100%,no I'm sorry your 150% correct. And I thank you for your advice I really do it.

Currently I do satisfy the urge from past memories and a lot of lotion,LOL. I really have come close to telling my wife but I know her well it go over well. I have sought therepy from someone who is very familiar with GLBT, and wasnt pushy either way. I havent seen her in over a year (maybe I should go back). She offered to help me tell my wife, but I never did it. Which like I mentioned brings me to my situation.

My wife doesnt deserve any disease I could potentially get You are right, as a matter of fact your more than right. I also have a toddler who deservse her dad to be around for her and not to shorten his stay on this earth because he was irresponsible.

This, as with many others on this board (and in fact the world) are perplexed about how to handle there identity. As I age I have more and more empathy ( and sympathy) for others unfortunate situations. I never felt that empathy so strongly than I do for others who find themselves in similair situations.

I need to do something to correct the situation, I cant stop or help what I'am
surpressing my identity is hurting me inside and changing who I'am and can be.

I think I'm most frieghtend about coming out about my Bisexuality for fear of the unknown, and that fear promotes so much anxiety which is having negative effects.

Well now that I've spilled my guts to countless people from around the country who I dont know. I will close with this, I'am going to seek more therepy because I need to resolve this.

But before I close again I thank you for your input because you are correct.

[Reprob8]

Well now that I've spilled my guts to countless people from around the country who I dont know. I will close with this, I'am going to seek more therepy because I need to resolve this.

But before I close again I thank you for your input because you are correct.

If I honestly thought I could avoid something happening with 100% confidence I may not have told my wife because the of the problems it has caused her, in many ways we are closer but she has questions and doubts that I have no answers for. In the end it is your choice to talk to your wife or not but if you have been or may be active in the future you really owe it to her to be honest, if it just urges that are no problem to satisfy at home then it may not be neccesary to bring this out untill you have a better understanding of your own feelings.