Am I Gay?

[Bisexual Explorer]

I'm finding that the more sex I have with men the less I desire sex with women. For me sex with men is much more enjoyable and satisfying. If I had to I could give up having sex with women entirely. Not so for having sex with men. My Kinsey rating has moved from 2 to 3 to 4. I'm wondering whether I'm gay (and if so I'm totally OK with it). Would like to hear from any of you who have had similar experiences. Thanks in advance.

[tenni]

I think that is a question that only you can determine. It is a label and should be used for your own information. I notice that you refer to sex with men as more enjoyable and satisfying. These words seem to be suitable for a physical attraction. You do not discuss your emotional attraction?

I have found that a lot of biguys are more comfortable discussing their physical aspect and claim no emotional aspect to their attraction to men. I have recognized over time that I am both physically and emotionally attracted to both men and women. I have loved both men and women. It is a lot easier to recognize the emotional attraction to women than men due to socialization in our society. The attractions are slightly differently for me.


I can not deny that I have been deeply in love with women. I can not deny that part of me and my past but I am more open to men for a variety of reasons now. When I was younger, I would ask married men who identified as gay if they had loved their wives. They would say that they loved their wives but were not "in love" with their wives. That was not me and I knew that I was not gay.

Bisexual attraction is often a swing factor for many bisexuals. They can go from wanting only one gender and not the other. Later they change as far as their gender preference.


If you feel that your attractions are stronger for men now, enjoy it. You may be that way for the rest of your life or find yourself attracted to women again.

Again, don’t worry about a label. Enjoy yourself.

[delpark]

I relate to what you are experiencing. Sex with men is fulfilling whereas sex with a woman has me wishing it was man. My desire to have sex with a woman has dwindled to looking at them and preferring cock. I've accepted the fact that I'm gay.

[voltaire]

I'm finding that the more sex I have with men the less I desire sex with women. For me sex with men is much more enjoyable and satisfying. If I had to I could give up having sex with women entirely. Not so for having sex with men. My Kinsey rating has moved from 2 to 3 to 4. I'm wondering whether I'm gay (and if so I'm totally OK with it). Would like to hear from any of you who have had similar experiences. Thanks in advance.

when I first joined I rated myself a 2 based on my much greater experience with women and my fantasy. I also moved to a 3 and now a 4. Im a little bit younger than you but now divorced for a 2nd time. I have been with 4 women since divorcing last year but my fantasies are primarily homosexual. During sex with women I mainly fantasise about cock to have an orgasm. At this point I could and sometimes do identify as “gay” except my emotional/romantic feelings are still primarily for women and I do enjoy the feel of a woman’s body. So I find “queer” is a useful label. If Inlet myself go and dated men I might fall in love and become exclusively homosexual

[voltaire]

I relate to what you are experiencing. Sex with men is fulfilling whereas sex with a woman has me wishing it was man. My desire to have sex with a woman has dwindled to looking at them and preferring cock. I've accepted the fact that I'm gay.
yes that sounds a bit familiar.

[Long Duck Dong]

Ask yourself one question, do you see yourself as gay ? cos thats the only opinion that really matters, our opinions are just our opinions......

Your sentences read to me like you have shifted to a mostly gay aspect with a waning desire for women, rather than say that still makes you bisexual, the answer from me is simply how do you see yourself? because its other people that will argue that your sexuality is wrong or you understand your sexuality wrong......

Second most important question: are you happy with the changes in you and you indicate that yes you are very happy and contented....

My answer to that, is that is more important than your sexuality label....

[csreef]

As far as Sex goes, women are more cautious before engaging in sex....When a woman fees comfortable with you, then she'll have sex with you .....

Men are just driven by their Id, and their want of getting their Penis satisfied.

[jem_is_bi]

I relate to what you are experiencing. Sex with men is fulfilling whereas sex with a woman has me wishing it was man. My desire to have sex with a woman has dwindled to looking at them and preferring cock. I've accepted the fact that I'm gay.

I never had a strong desire for sex with women. At the present time, I have almost no desire to have sex with a woman.
However, there are a few women that do stir my interest in sex with them. But, if I did have sex with them, I am sure I would wish it was a man. So, I am almost totally gay too.

[Fzmr9t]

I'm finding that the more sex I have with men the less I desire sex with women. For me sex with men is much more enjoyable and satisfying. If I had to I could give up having sex with women entirely. Not so for having sex with men. My Kinsey rating has moved from 2 to 3 to 4. I'm wondering whether I'm gay (and if so I'm totally OK with it). Would like to hear from any of you who have had similar experiences. Thanks in advance.

when I was younger and more sexually active, I truly enjoyed my experiences with women, but at that time, sex with men was still a curiosity, and thus a bit more exciting and enveloped more of my thoughts. I still don’t look at men and immediately see them as sexy beings, nor do I think of what they would look like naked. However, I still see women as beautiful, sexy beings. Sooo, where does that rate me???

[sysper]

when I was younger and more sexually active, I truly enjoyed my experiences with women, but at that time, sex with men was still a curiosity, and thus a bit more exciting and enveloped more of my thoughts. I still don’t look at men and immediately see them as sexy beings, nor do I think of what they would look like naked. However, I still see women as beautiful, sexy beings. Sooo, where does that rate me???
a hornbag :tongue::bigrin::impleased

[cbb83]

As far as Sex goes, women are more cautious before engaging in sex....When a woman fees comfortable with you, then she'll have sex with you .....

Men are just driven by their Id, and their want of getting their Penis satisfied.

Speak for yourself :-P

Some of us guys want to be comfortable and emotionally attached to our lovers :-P

[Coconut-Joe]

I agree, why the worry . Just enjoy !!!

[Fzmr9t]

a hornbag :tongue::bigrin::impleased

What is that supposed to mean?

[wifekinky4husband]

Don't label it, just do it, with everyone you wish to that is safe and wishes to with you. The men I know who most would call gay, still say that a woman's body is equally as fun and offers many additional treats. These men friends of mine enjoy sex and sex with male and female. I personally believe threesomes are one of the best ways to no matter the gender or mix of genders. 2 on one has always done us well. We simply take turns on the one getting the most attention.

[sysper]

making a bad joke i guess....
What is that supposed to mean?

[Bisexual Explorer]

Thank you all (well most of you) for your thoughtful responses to my question about whether I'm gay. For me being gay, if that's what I am, would be more than just a label. It would be the end of a long journey to come to grips with my sexuality. Part of coming to grips with my sexuality is that sex with men allows me to express my softer more feminine side which I have suppressed for much too long.

[voltaire]

Don't label it, just do it, with everyone you wish to that is safe and wishes to with you. The men I know who most would call gay, still say that a woman's body is equally as fun and offers many additional treats. These men friends of mine enjoy sex and sex with male and female. I personally believe threesomes are one of the best ways to no matter the gender or mix of genders. 2 on one has always done us well. We simply take turns on the one getting the most attention.
If only all women had your point of view, life would be so much easier for some of us

[Biappeal]

I have transitioned from bi-curious, to bisexual and am happy to be comfortable taking to next step to being labeled as gay.

[BeachHound]

In my opinion..... whatever label you want to put on it, it really doesn't matter. I think the most important thing we should concentrate on is being happy and enjoying what you do. That can go for any aspect of life not just sexual preferences. Life is far too short to not enjoy the ride!

[James000]

That was really well written!

[csreef]

In my opinion..... whatever label you want to put on it, it really doesn't matter. I think the most important thing we should concentrate on is being happy and enjoying what you do. That can go for any aspect of life not just sexual preferences. Life is far too short to not enjoy the ride!

Well said. :)

[Argent 11]

Well said! I have no interest in multiple partners as my only bisexual experiences were with a college roommate I allowed to seduce me. Our relationship/friendship thrived and the sex was always over the top intense! I suspect it was because we genuinely cared for each other on more than a sexual level. We slept together, showered and shaved each other's bodies smooth and did everything two uninhibited curious young males could do. After having that every day the last 6 months of college I could not even consider a plethora of partners who just want to get off and move on to the next chance encounter.



Speak for yourself :-P

Some of us guys want to be comfortable and emotionally attached to our lovers :-P

[stonebow]

As far as Sex goes, women are more cautious before engaging in sex....When a woman fees comfortable with you, then she'll have sex with you .....

Men are just driven by their Id, and their want of getting their Penis satisfied.

What about us bottoms?...for us it's not about OUR cocks....

[stonebow]

Don't label it, just do it, with everyone you wish to that is safe and wishes to with you. The men I know who most would call gay, still say that a woman's body is equally as fun and offers many additional treats. These men friends of mine enjoy sex and sex with male and female. I personally believe threesomes are one of the best ways to no matter the gender or mix of genders. 2 on one has always done us well. We simply take turns on the one getting the most attention.

The best answer yet! At the end of the day labels are of limited use. What matters far more than words is action. The question to ask is am I bringing myself and my partners joy?..and I don't just mean a fleeting orgasm. Real joy is to had from doing whatever we do with compassion as well as passion.

[Christopher South]

I think many of us have seen a shift... from curious to bi, from equally bi to leaning gay. For me I'd love to have a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship with my wife or another woman. But that's not going to happen so it's just easier to find a guy as horny as you.

[monaohio]

i know i am a gay bottom i rather have a man do me and i suck him over me doing my wife

[KDaddy23]

Women make having sex with them so damned complicated and to the point where they can make you lose interest in having sex with them and no matter how good they are in bed. Guys, on the other hand, try to make having sex as easy and uncomplicated as they can, therefore, making the sex more enjoyable. Women want to be screwed in certain and specific ways and are very demanding in that aspect but guys are more... simple in that regard. But it's not unusual for a guy to float between, say, 2 and 4 on the Kinsey scale where their desires are concerned; one moment they're more about women than men, the next more about men than women.

Does it indicate gayness? Offhand, I'd say no because being gay is a state of mind and not just a sexual thing but it's also not unusual for a guy to think/feel that he might be gay and more so when he finds himself engaging more with men than women. I'd just got finished fucking my wife and while she napped, I wondered if I was gay since, the day before, I'd had sex with three guys (not at the same time). After a lot of very serious thought, nah, I'm not gay but I don't know a guy who hasn't asked themselves this question.

[Flypaper]

I believe labels are artificial and unfulfilling. I am a man who enjoys sex with both men and women, and those who feel the same way claim bisexuality. I have never loved a man as I have loved a woman, although I’ve had explosive and fulfilling sexual experiences with men on a similar level as I have had with women. Hence the bisexuality but the mono-amorous nature of my personality.

If you fall on love with a man, just enjoy it and forget about the label!


I'm finding that the more sex I have with men the less I desire sex with women. For me sex with men is much more enjoyable and satisfying. If I had to I could give up having sex with women entirely. Not so for having sex with men. My Kinsey rating has moved from 2 to 3 to 4. I'm wondering whether I'm gay (and if so I'm totally OK with it). Would like to hear from any of you who have had similar experiences. Thanks in advance.

[voltaire]

Yesterday I changed my Kinsey rating to 5. I think of myself in the 4.5 range but my fantasies are primarily about cock and sucking or being sucked. That said I still go down on my girlfriend and sometimes get hard enough to fuck her. I still notice women more and I’m not interested in relationships with men. It’s a bit confusing at times.

[JeffT]

I don't label myself anymore. I'm bisexual. I guess that means I'm a little of both. My Kinsey number is roughly 2-3. I'm mostly dominant in straight sex and definitely feminine submissive with an attractive guy. Not complicated.

[Tag200]

I'm finding that the more sex I have with men the less I desire sex with women. For me sex with men is much more enjoyable and satisfying. If I had to I could give up having sex with women entirely. Not so for having sex with men. My Kinsey rating has moved from 2 to 3 to 4. I'm wondering whether I'm gay (and if so I'm totally OK with it). Would like to hear from any of you who have had similar experiences. Thanks in advance.

perhaps it’s your partner or partners right now and your just satisfied . Whenever my girlfriend is with me my desire for cock goes way down as I am being satisfied, whenever we break up I want to look for cock.. they was my old pattern and I don’t think it had to do with more bi or less just satisfaction

[RisingBi]

Thank you all (well most of you) for your thoughtful responses to my question about whether I'm gay. For me being gay, if that's what I am, would be more than just a label. It would be the end of a long journey to come to grips with my sexuality. Part of coming to grips with my sexuality is that sex with men allows me to express my softer more feminine side which I have suppressed for much too long.
All very interesting answers, and a wonderful topic for me personally, as I have created an inner struggle for myself for decades on the question of how gay am I. This OP above is long gone (hasn't signed in since 2019), and I hope he's happy in his life and relationships and in whatever answer he found for himself. But the topic is still alive for some of us, and I appreciate the continuing comments and thoughts on it.

Sure, I understand the idea that labels are not necessarily important overall. And I would love to be more free from this need for one. Certainly it sounds wonderful, as a number of guys have advised, to just enjoy having sex with whomever you're attracted to in the moment, and be about both of your enjoyment of sex together, without labels. But I am with the OP on this, as it is about my own identity and understanding my sexuality.

And most important of all, for myself anyway, the question is important because our society has made the label "gay" important: for the most part it is still considered wrong to be homosexual, or bisexual, even though things are slowly changing. But the idea that there is something wrong, or even evil, about you if you have desires for a person of your own sex, let alone acting on those desires, has, I believe, still so deeply taken root in most of our individual unconscious minds, as well in our collective unconscious, as Carl Jung would say.

My own personal movement from (1) bicurious, to (2) bi-confused for 20 years (because I would lose all desire for any real guy I was naked with (with the exception of 5-6 guys out of 100-200 anonymous encounters in many different gay sex venues), but at home all the gay desires and fantasies would be back until they were so strong that I had to go back out and find a real guy, only to have my gay desires disappear when I was with him), to (3) finally accepting that I am bisexual after finally, for the first time, keeping my gay anal desires (from home) with this guy that I was with in 2013 in a bathhouse in Berlin, tonguefucking him for over an hour with a hunger that I never knew I had, before finally fucking him--the quintessential homosexual act--all of which I loved so very very much.

For me anyway, my going anal, I believe, helped a lot in opening up the gay side of myself more, and bring to the surface my gayness, if you will, that I believe had been repressed by my unconscious mind (or my superego, as Freud would say), not letting me experience gay desires for the real man I was with so many many times, over and over again (except for those very arousing hot exceptions that told me there was something there). Since 2013, I stopped all anonymous encounters and have only gotten together with local guys in each other's homes, and the desire is always there for them!

But the thing is, I still feel some repression is happening. Even though as soon as I had that first anal experience with that man, I was very happy and proud of my bisexuality, and accepting of it, I am wondering if I'm still only accepting it to a degree. I know for a lot, if not most, bisexual guys it is just about the physical act of sex with other men, or even perhaps just about the cock and ass, and otherwise they are truly only heteroromantic/emotional. But I'm still not sure about myself. Given the clear repression that was going on for 20 years, I'm wondering if I am still repressing the gay part of myself when it comes to feeling attraction to clothed guys on the street and in every day life, and not having romantic feelings for any guy, or more deep emotional connection with the guy I'm with--all of which I have with women.

I mean, yes, finally making my encounters more personal, and trying to get to know the guy I'm with (even though there are a hell of a lot of guys that have no interest in that whatsoever, and are just about the suck or fuck), I feel like maybe there's an inner and unconscious struggle going on. In my fantasies I am very gay, that has not only involved all sexual acts with men (including anal, which took 20 years to finally realize in real life), but also finding a regular fuck buddy or FWB, or even a boyfriend or husband. In my fantasies I desire it so much sometimes, and feel like it would be so wonderful (though of course I do understand that I am in my mind exaggerating how wonderful sex and love with a man can be). But these fantasies don't manifest in real life. Sound familiar?

Another thing that I have always fantasized about is bottoming for a guy, though, again, I never have those feelings with a guy that I'm naked with. For many years I fucked my dildos, always imagining that it's a real guy with a real cock fucking my ass. With my now ex-girlfriend (of 3 very rocky years, whom I broke up with in December 2019), whenever she fucked my ass with her strap-on, that she loved so much to do, every single time I wished it was a real guy fucking me. She was also very gorgeous and dynamic in every day life, and was out of this world incredible in bed, always multi-orgasmic (from nipple play, cunnilingus and fingerfucking, vaginal intercourse, and anal intercourse--me topping her), and I was in love with her (hmmm, maybe no longer when I had to do the following), but there were quite a number of times where I had to think about sex with a guy in order to orgasm for her. And, boy, was I ever immediately ready after breaking up with her to get out there again to look for sex, and more, with guys. But then the pandemic happened!

Anyway, I bring up the bottoming thing, which I'm also actively looking for with guys online, because I wonder whether that finally happening will open up even more of the gay part of me, like topping did before. I sure hope so. Because I'm tired of the struggle. And, literally like every other single being, even animals, I just want to be happy. Meanwhile, I also just started working with a therapist in February 2021, to help me figure out what's happening with my sexuality. Of course, I also think that ultimately the pragmatic approach is best: I need to do empirical research--get out there meeting real guys again. But, sigh, we're in yet another lockdown starting tomorrow.

[rukiddingme]

Like many here, I have never been attracted to guys that I meet and have never thought of myself as gay. All of my friends are straight (maybe!), at least I have never had any sexual conversations with them other than girls. When I am out I still find myself gawking at beautiful women. When I see a hot girl on tv I Google images of her. But I have always appreciated pictures of nude guys with athletic bodies and nice cocks.
Yet when I find myself getting aroused I almost certainly fantasize of gay sex. 90% of my viewing is gay porn, guys making out, rubbing each other, sucking, and building toward intimate sex. If I view women, it will be in a bisexual setting with guys together.
I have progressed from 2 to 5.