Boss tells me to keep quiet about myself...?

[Cathy]

:rolleyes: Hi, here's a situation I'd like some opinions about...

Today my boss (female) and I were chatting about how some people share too much of their private lives at work, and it blows up in a big mess. She says "my best advice to you, or any new manager, is to keep in mind the conservative people in upper management, and be very careful what you share about yourself. Some things should never be shared.." I'm quite sure she's refering to my sexuality (bisexual). I am married. She said, just be careful. she didn't mention anything specific. (I have told her that I am quite open without saying I am bi). I responded by saying that I would hope that we have a company that is open, diverse and accepting of everyone...she agreed, but said in reality we do not.
So...I am back to hiding and feeling like I need to cover myself up. On the other hand, guess she has a point. It's not relevant at work anyhow. I can't help feeling a little offended. Am I being sensitive?

[arana]

:2cents: While I don't think you should have to totally "hide" who you are, I do agree about keeping your personal life in check at work. You're there to do a job, it's not a social club. Being friendly with your co-workers should not include sexual content. If asked, "are you bi?", I don't think you should have to hide that but I don't think you should elaborate into anything more personal. I say this for your own protection because I have been a victim of a "friendly" and "casual" work atmosphere that totally got out of hand to the point of legal actions. What you share with co-workers you trust does not mean that people linked to that person or someone that over hears one of your conversations is just as trustworthy and ethical. People do crazy things for no reason so why give them ammunition. It's just safer to you and your family. :2cents:

[shameless agitator]

I have to go with Arana on this one. It's unfortunate, but also true that it's not always safe to be out at work.

[innaminka]

I have to agree with the other writers - I think the adviceyou were given was genuine and given in good faith by a colleague.
Work really is not a place where one espouses and makes statements. Never hide from what you are, but also be aware of the effect shouting things from a soap-box can have.

And regrettably, she's right about conservative high-level managers.
I know, I work to them all the time in various ways.
Its not that they're homopathic, its just that they're responsible to Boards and Boards hate difference.

Just be yourself.

[sammie19]

No Cathy your not. It doesnt matter how open or progressive an employer is, how good legislation against discrimination and prejudice, in the end it comes down to attitudes and enlightenment of individual managers and even ordinary workers. In this respect we are a long way from enlightenment in so many companies and workplaces. Covert prejudice and discrimination exists everywhere to subvert company rules where they exist and at least in the UK, European and British legislation.

Arana is right. Dont trust anyone at work with too much detail of your personal life. People are human and have human failings, and their attitudes reflect our society.That isnt to say go back into the closet. It is to say that avoid unnecessary chat about your sex life and to a great extent your social and personal life. And certainly avoid long deep and detailed discussions about that life.

I fell into that trap but things in my private life made me grow up fast. I am no longer the office flirt and my less open and "welcoming" personality has made my life at work so much easier. Its no longer a topic for discussion because my workmates know I just dont think its their business.

A super and supportive boss has helped by sorting out the smart arses who still try their luck, but this is now more rare and I am glad of it. I still love attention at work, but it isnt any longer of the kind where I am expected to lay myself on a plate for some testosterone driven sod who thinks he is God's gift, or as in one case for a senior manager who thought her position gave her the right to my body, and made it quite plain what the consequences were if I refused her advances. Chickens were really coming home to roost at this point. My point here is that had my boss not been an enlightened and supportive manager, and who fought my corner at some risk to himself, my life at work could have been made seriously miserable, and any career prospects killed stone dead at a point in my life where I am hardly at an age where this is in my interests. I am hoping that yours is displaying the same duty of care for her staff.

[Reprob8]

:rolleyes: Hi, here's a situation I'd like some opinions about...

Today my boss (female) and I were chatting about how some people share too much of their private lives at work, and it blows up in a big mess. She says "my best advice to you, or any new manager, is to keep in mind the conservative people in upper management, and be very careful what you share about yourself. Some things should never be shared.." I'm quite sure she's refering to my sexuality (bisexual). I am married. She said, just be careful. she didn't mention anything specific. (I have told her that I am quite open without saying I am bi). I responded by saying that I would hope that we have a company that is open, diverse and accepting of everyone...she agreed, but said in reality we do not.
So...I am back to hiding and feeling like I need to cover myself up. On the other hand, guess she has a point. It's not relevant at work anyhow. I can't help feeling a little offended. Am I being sensitive?


I take it from your post that yuo are in a management position, then what she says makes perfect sense even if it grates against your nerves, what you view as being open and honest can be construed as something totaly different to someone above or below you in the food chain. It is always best to distance yourself a little once you become a manager but you should be able to maintain friendships as long as it is not obvious at work.

[Biguybob]

I believe for any work place there is always the threat of sexual harrasment. If your Straight Gay or BI you cannot behave in the work place in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable. Even if your employer is open minded, he has to worry about the employee that will file a sexual harrasment suit against him because he allows one person to behave in a mannor that makes another feel uncomfortable. If it is a straight man hitting on all the females or a Bi preson hitting on everybody or even a Pretty women that dresses in such a mannor she distracts the men and makes the old ladies feel uncomfortable, he is liable.

[12voltman59]

Good advice from all---

Keep your sexuality--whatever it is to yourself--

to your management--even if they are more enlightened and accepting of other things--they are running a business not a social justice organization---

I just saw a report that showed that American businesses are leading the way in being more accepting of their employees who are something other than straight---

Still--your company is there for one reason and one reason only--to make a profit---

Anything that hinders that is something they do not want or need and if someone makes an issue of their sexuality in the workplace-that is considered irrelevant, potentially disruptive and such--while a person may not get fired for their sexuality--the laws don't protect from that though---you may find that when it comes time to advancement--you get looked over and by passed

So just play it cool---and follow your co-workers advice since she was kind enough to let you know the lay of the land--take heed----

My dad still has this coffee mug that someone gave him like 40 years ago with a cartoon on the side

the drawing has this one man hunched over his desk dead with a knife in his back and another guy standing over him dressed in a business suit--

the caption for the cartoon reads: "Sorry Charlie, we may have been friends for years, but business is business.."

[canuckotter]

Hard to answer your question. Your manager was doing you a favour by warning you... Plenty of people wouldn't bother, or would be afraid that giving the warning could later be taken as a sign of harassment ("I didn't get the big raise I wanted? It must be because my boss doesn't like bisexuals! And see, there's this incident that proves it!"). And yes, it's annoying that there are plenty of closed-minded people in management in companies... But on the plus side, people who make it to upper management tend to know enough not to ask personal questions. So you don't actually have to hide anything, just don't go around revealing irrelevant information. Not an ideal solution, but it seems to work for a lot of people.

I know in my office, even though everyone really is very open-minded (although it is fun to make certain co-workers cringe by mentioning my wife's brother and his latest boyfriend :tong: ) I never volunteer certain types of details about my private life. I'll talk about really obvious stuff -- yes, I'm married, and I have a kid on the way -- and I'll talk about trivial stuff -- hey, did you get any more renovations done on your house on the weekend? -- but anything else... nope. None of their business. I don't tell them when I have sex with my wife, so why would I bring up wanting to have sex with guys? I'm not there to talk sex with these people, I'm there to work with them to build great software that solves a lot of problems for our clients and make us lots of money. A certain amount of small-talk builds relationships that help keep things running smoothly, but discussion of certain topics (sex, religion, and politics, mostly :) ) is all too likely to lead to building negative feelings and awkwardness, the exact opposite of why I talk to these people in the first place.