Jealousy?

[*foxy_roxy*]

OK guys I have a question to ask:

My partner and I have been together a couple of years now, and I love him with all my heart I know I do. I am bi myself (Roxy) and recently my friend pointed me to a reply to a posted question in an internet forum. My friend has posted a question, as he is a bi male looking for a bi female, or perhaps an open-minded female. My partner replied to this post saying that he was bi, as was I.

I have NEVER heard from him that he was bi until the moment I read that post.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I felt anger for him not talking to me about his feelings, but being able to plaster them over the internet.

However, my question is:
Do you think it is wrong for me to feel uncomfortable with his being bi (and I am NOT against bi people, and I certainly dont feel that its ok as long as its not in my back-yard)? I just dont know how to feel.

My partner is one of the most straight people I knew, or know, and I just wondered how I could not have known or how or what to feel!

I just feel lost.

[sunseeker]

Foxy, your obviously not anti bi, your just disappointed and feel let down that maybe the person most close to you didnt feel he could tell you. Maybe its more difficult for guys to tell there g/fs then for gilrls to tell there guys? I dont know but your both young and us guys are always way behind on the communication front :-)

[meteast chick]

Foxy, your obviously not anti bi, your just disappointed and feel let down that maybe the person most close to you didnt feel he could tell you. Maybe its more difficult for guys to tell there g/fs then for gilrls to tell there guys? I dont know but your both young and us guys are always way behind on the communication front :-)

My thoughts exactly!!!

Luv and kisses roxy,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
meteast

[*foxy_roxy*]

Thanks guys.

I don't know, it might be a communication error, but its just so difficult.

x x x x x x x

[Trinity-Fl]

Sounds like one of those "honesty" issues to me. I assume he knows you're bi? He may have trouble admitting to his sexuality but after several years it seems that his fantasies would have found their way out. :) I was part of a triad that ended when we found out that our second guy was running around on us with gay guys. )He said we couldn't handle the truth. What we couldn't handle was his dishonesty.) The fact that he's posting answers about which you know nothing is pretty serious.

Good luck

[happyjoe68]

Ah, there's the rub ...

You yourself are bi and have a boyfriend, and have no problem in being open to the possibilty of having a girlfriend of some description ...

But when your boyfriend says he's bi (with the possibility of having a boyfriend), you feel jealous ...

Some people would say this is hypocritical, since you want your cake and eat it, but would deny the same to others.

To be honest with others, you must first be honest with yourself. You need to examine why you feel jealous and confront those fears that are at the root of jealousy. Then you must look at your actions from the perspective of how other people would see/interpret them, then you will be able to make sense of your feelings in this respect and perhaps address the negative thoughts at the root of the jealousy and realise that these fears are perhaps false.

[dfwbi-cyclist]

I think you missed her point Happyjoe

Roxy has been open and honest, while he has not.

[darkeyes]

I think you missed her point Happyjoe

Roxy has been open and honest, while he has not.

I think u r rite cyclist, and the point is well an truly missed. But its more than jus bein open an honest isnt it? Its also bout the feelings Rox has bout a relationship with a bi guy an tryin 2 come 2 terms with jus how she feels bout it. She feels uncomfortable as do many women bi or str8. I am uncomfortable with it 2 and have always shied away from having sex knowinglywith bi guys. I hav no bother at all with ne 1 being bi gay str8 trannie or ne otha sexuality unda the sun. I jus do not get turned on by them all. Bi guys I do not get sexually turned on by. I cant help it. Its jus part of me make up an who I am. I like am fond of even love an certainly respect many of my male bi friends..but cant get that turned on by the thought of havin sex with any.

Im not sayin Rox is or will b like that its jus that she has had a revelation she neva expected an wasnt prepared for an is now tryin 2 articulate her feelins 2 herself bout jus how she feels bout it. She didnt actually say she had feelings of jealousy even though she headlined the thread "Jealousy?" This is part of her hurt and confusion and questioning of why suddenly she has to face her own feelings about a partner she loves and thought she knew, and about a part of his sexuality of which she knew nothing!

Ive had enough experience of men and their problems with communicating often the most trivial matters to others an me in particular. Its no wonder they are so susceptible to heart attacks when they bottle up so much and cant even talk to the one they love. Why she had to learn second or even third hand that her bf is bisexual is a question they have to resolve between them without condemnation or interference from us or ne1 else. He struggles with his bisexuality like we all have at some stage in our lives and we offer him our love and understanding in that struggle. At this stage, neither Rox or ne 1 else knows why she suddenly finds out as she has now. Now she has 2 struggle with her feelings about her relationship with a man she loves yet who has not been open and honest. There may be good reasons why and I have no doubt to him they seem so. Its now up to the two of them to talk through why he has acted as he has. Maybe their love and the relationship will be stronger now that things are open. Maybe not. But my heart goes out to them as they now begin what may be a torrid and hurtful experience, and yet, who knows at the same time liberating and uplifting for both.

So jus as we offer love and understanding to Roxy's partner in his struggle with his sexuality, can we not offer Rox any less in her struggle to understand her own feelings regarding that revelation? And can we not wish both love and understanding in their difficuties as they try to come to terms with a secret that should never have been?

[Herbwoman39]

Roxy, hon, this is just my opinion. I think it's normal to feel scared and more than a little betrayed in this type of situation.

Sit him down and talk to him. Find out why he's been keeping this a secret from you. There may be something he's afraid will happen by revealing this to you.

Good luck sweetie and let us know how it goes.

[Doggie_Wood]

Roxy, hon, this is just my opinion. I think it's normal to feel scared and more than a little betrayed in this type of situation.

Sit him down and talk to him. Find out why he's been keeping this a secret from you. There may be something he's afraid will happen by revealing this to you.

My thoughts as well Roxy - It is very posible that when he did the post - that is the period of time when he felt he had enough nerve to start coming out.
But please do sit and talk with him - have a heart to heart. That would be best in my opinion.

:doggie:

[sammie19]

Secrets are terrible things between people in love. They are both negative and destructive but for whatever reason we have all had them. In an ideal world there would be no need for them but we are a long way away from that and so many of us feel the need to keep things from those we love. I truly hope that between you this rift and your obvious feeling of betrayal can be repaired and those who say you must talk are right. Telling you that is a bit like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, and it will not be easy for either of you, but if anything of your relationship is to be salvaged talk you must and exorcise the ghosts of secrecy, fear and dishonesty from your lives forever.

[clairey271978]

hey foxy babes, am sorry to hear this!jealousy is a horrible thing babes! but i can totally understand where ur cumin from babes, u always been honest and open with him and ur angry because hes not dun the same, id feel the same! u both need to sit down and talk this through and i hope you can both work through this as u love him very much!tell him exactly how u feel betrayed etc...im thinking of you hunni and will keep my fingers crossed 4 u that this will be ok in teh end..lotza luv n hugz clairey xxxxx

[*foxy_roxy*]

Thank you so much everyone, you have all made me feel much better about the whole thing. I thought I was betraying him by not knowing how to feel about him possibly being bi, I felt like a hypocrite when he certainly didnt feel upset when I told him I was bi.

I broached the subject with him a couple of days ago. It turned into a blazing row, both of us shouting and both not getting anywhere.

He was angry at me for my reaction to what he wrote. He knows that I use the forums site the revelation was written on and said that he didnt say for me to find it out on there. He told me that he had already told me before, which to be honest would certainly be a conversation I would remember!

I was not angry to begin with, merely hurt, but as the conversation gathered steam, I became angry as he was continuously 'having a go' at me for my supposed reaction, and saying that he had told me. I then found out that a woman close to both of us, though not as close as we are to each other knew his feelings. This was more soul destroying than before.

My whole reaction was not mainly that he was bi, that is a secondary reaction which I have to deal with in my own time (as any person who is told their partner is bi would do). My main problem was his telling not only people on the internet but his and my friends (as he had also previously discussed it with a friend of mine I also discovered when talking to my friend).

I'm hardly someone to react badly to it, I havent, I am shocked he felt he couldnt tell me.

We have made up, but its all still on my mind (at the moment we are living apart from each other due to personal circumstances, so we havent made up properly I supose).

[Dannylee]

Your not wrong at all roxy he has breached the trust that is a stable part of your relationship, he has to understand that if he kept that from you then you may feel the need to keep stuff from him due to trust issues, if he can talk about his sexuality more with friends then thats ok i guess but spurting it out on a chatsite isnt he doesnt know the people there aswell as he knows a friend or even you so how can he trust them? , i cant really say much as i havent had this happen to me and i havent had to say to any1 that im bi or gay but i know the first person i would talk about it with would be a partner (if i had one) , secrets spoil relationships that i can say with absolute certainty as my ex kept alot from me until i found out from a friend, once trust is breached then the building blocks of a relationship come tumbleing down as the foundation breaks.

I would like to say sorry for my use of metaphors aswell lol

[twosides]

Hey Roxy - I'm not privy to the conversations that you two had in the past, of course. And I certainly want to support you in the struggle that you're going through. But, I'm going to give you my thoughts on this situation, from the perspective of a guy with a history of stepping into a pile of something that becomes hard to deal with.

He said he told you this aspect of himself. Maybe you didn't hear what he said when he said it. Maybe he didn't say it in a way that you could understand what he was saying. Maybe you heard it, but didn't want to hear it. But from what you wrote, he really believes that he told you. And he had no problem showing you the forum post with the declaration of bi-ness. Those last two things cause me to think that he has a point. And I wonder if he would have talked to your mutual friend if he thought that you didn't know of his desires.

So, I hope that you can effectively communicate now that the shit has hit the fan. It's impossible, but try to minimize the emotions that are rampaging around about the perceptions of dishonesty. Try to go forward from here and build your relationship with a more open and honest connection.

As for your question -

However, my question is:
Do you think it is wrong for me to feel uncomfortable with his being bi (and I am NOT against bi people, and I certainly dont feel that its ok as long as its not in my back-yard)? I just dont know how to feel.

- you should feel how you feel. And deal with it as you would any other uncomfortable feelings. You'll chat with us, you'll lay in bed running through all the possible variables, you'll talk to your friends, etc., and then come to some conclusion. I hope that process is quick and as painless as possible.

[Philbert]

Roxy. I'm sure you'll work this out and everything will be fine, i'm not going to repeat what i've said to you on msn. i know what your bf can be like sometimes, it can be like talking to a brick wall, but he is a good guy, and all your friends agree you two are perfect togeather. as i've said before anytime you want to chat just call me.

[canuckotter]

Roxy, there are a thousand different interpretations of the situation. Without knowing either of you better, I really can't say which one's the most likely. But I can offer two that haven't been suggested yet...

First is a slight take-off of twosides' suggestion... Maybe you did have that conversation with him and don't remember? It could be, as twosides suggested, that he didn't say it directly and thought you'd picked up on it when you actually missed his roundabout way of saying it... It could also be that he told you at some point when you were sleeping. Apparently I've done that a few times... People will have conversations with me where I seem awake but the next day I don't remember a thing. Generally happens when I'm just falling asleep. On occasion, I can have full, in-depth conversations with my wife while she's fast asleep, and of course she doesn't remember those. It could be that your bf told you in one of those types of conversations... :)

Second, here's a point to consider: he posted it in a forum he knows you read. It would be idiotic for him to think you wouldn't see it. Maybe he was, for whatever reason, afraid to tell you directly and this was his way? It's a stupid way to do it, but hey, guys can be notoriously stupid. ;)

Anyway. There are other possibilities. Good luck sorting it all out!