Is it possible to be bisexual and married??

[kevin612]

Hello, I am a 26 year old male and have been in a relationship for several years with a woman who I love very much. I have sort of struggled with my sexuality my whole life and while I haven't done *that* much with other males, I have always been very stressed and confused about it all. So I have been in a great relationship for quite a while now and am thinking of getting married to this girl. My only worry is that some day down the road I am going to completely regret this decision and realize that I can't be in a marriage cause I have mild attractions to the same sex. My partner is aware of my feelings and she is supportive, but is not at all interested in "sharing" me, and to be perfectly honest, neither am i. I am just interested in being in a healthy loving relationship and not being "threatened" by my occasional attractions to other males. I have had these attractions for quite a while now and have never felt the need to cheat on my partner or go behind her back.

I guess I am just looking for words of wisdom from married couples who have a partner who is bi and how that affects their monogomy and if I really should be scared or apprehensive to make a life commitment like this. I want to be confident in myself and our relationship and be able to be faithful and true to her. But at the same time I hope that I won't be tortured throughout the marriage and feel that I am trapped and not being true to myself....which I am pretty sure wouldn't be the case.

[littlerayofsunshine]

There are ways for couples to fulfill the males bisexual urges. May not be the real thing. But for some its just right. The use of toys and communication, and role play for some can and does aid those who wish to be monogamous. You sound pretty secure in your love, and have not struggled with being monogamous so far. So suffice to say, you have a really good chance of never wanting sex with anyone else. The real understanding though, only relies in you. There are monogomous bisexual partners and couples out there. So it is possible.

I don't happen to fall in that catagory, my husband and I are both bisexual, and are not monogamous. Married 6 years now, together for 7.


Good luck to you and take care.

[anne27]

I think it's very possible for a couple to be married and happy if one is bisexual. Hubby knew he was bi long before I realized I was, and during those years we were married. Later on after I realized my sexuality, we decided to both experiment with it and don't really do the totally monogamous thang these days. I am free to pursue relationships with women without his involvement and while I have told him the same thing, he has yet to pursue a man on his own.
I think the most important thing in any marriage, whether the couple are straight, bi, or gay, is open communication. Ya gotta talk about everything, be honest and open with each other. :2cents:

Best of luck to you and your girl!

btw, we've been married 23 years, since a week after my 18th birthday.

[tommyswing]

I think it depends on how strong the same sex urges are. If they are mild as you say I wouldn't worry too much. It's important to be honest with yourself in this regard. I think most people have some mild same sex attractions from time to time.

My same sex urges have always been very strong, I did manage to go 20 years without m/m involvement, but it was very difficult. My problem is a women could not give me what a man can and a man cannot give me what a women can. From people I have talked to through the years most can handle mild m/m desire but few can stay away when the drive for same sex is strong. Besides much of life is a crap shoot and living a real life means taking real risks, there are many things that can effect the outcome of a happy marriage
Good luck to you

[allbimyself]

Our darling lil ray nailed it on the head. The only other thing I'd like to say is bravo for being honest with her.

Everybody has insecurities when getting married, it's natural. You both sound confident and in love. Don't let a small insecurity prevent happiness.

Just my :2cents: (half cent after taxes)

[Lisa (va)]

Is it possible to be bi and married? Yes it is.

Is it easy, not necessarily so, it is dependant on the individuals.
Some bi married folks have an open realationship of some sort while others like myself are in monogamous relationship. Neither one is more right or wrong, what works for me may not work as well for others just as what works for others may not work for me.

Personally I believe if you compared the average woman with the average man I would think the women would be more attractive, yet I decided to marry a man. Not because he was a man, but because he was him and I so love this man.

Only advice I would attempt to give is that if you are having reservations about it, don't. At least not until you and her have had a really in depth talk about your doubts and have sorted it out between the two of you.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[pasco_lol_cpl]

I think that littleray hit the nail on the head. The use of toys and role playing can go quite a bit of a ways in satisfying urges and desires. So why not talk to her about this and see if she is willing to help you out in this manner.

[ambi53mm]

It is possible to be both bisexual and to be married. We often when describing Bisexuality, refer to it as being fluid and I’ve always interpreted this to mean that it’s different in it's manifestation for everyone. Marriage is to some extent fluid as well and often will change in its expression over time. Rather than focus on what might happen, I would be more inclined to focus on what’s here and now, and enjoy what the moment presents.

Marriage and monogamy don’t always go hand in hand as some members have already expressed. I don’t think it’s any more difficult to maintain a monogamous marriage as a bisexual than it would to be to maintain a monogamous marriage as heterosexual. As a bisexual male married to a bisexual woman we probably have a better understanding of each others fluctuations because we’re operating from a level of personal experience as opposed to trying to understand how one someone experiencing same sex urges or desires “might” feel. We didn’t agree to a traditional marriage with traditional vows because we are simply not traditional people. Our marriage allows for growth on an individual level and our commitment to one another is based foremost in love and also in our desire to foster and encourage that growth in one another.

We are ten years together and seven of those years married. We couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Ambi :)

[innaminka]

Is it possible to be bi and married? Yes it is.

Is it easy, not necessarily so, it is dependant on the individuals.
Some bi married folks have an open realationship of some sort while others like myself are in monogamous relationship. Neither one is more right or wrong, what works for me may not work as well for others just as what works for others may not work for me.



Beautifully put. Of course its possible. And to stay that way. But as Lisa wrote its up to the individuals. Heck, its up to the individuals if you're both Hetero to stay married.

I'm the bi partner in my marriage and after a lot of adjustments, soul-searching and communications on both our parts, our marriage has remained strong and more importantly loving.

The underlying understanding is that my bi activities are totally removed from our family. Which, after one bad hiccup I have achieved. My hubby is prepared to accept that to be whole, the whole of me needs to be satisfied.

[csrakate]

There are ways for couples to fulfill the males bisexual urges. May not be the real thing. But for some its just right. The use of toys and communication, and role play for some can and does aid those who wish to be monogamous. You sound pretty secure in your love, and have not struggled with being monogamous so far. So suffice to say, you have a really good chance of never wanting sex with anyone else. The real understanding though, only relies in you. There are monogomous bisexual partners and couples out there. So it is possible.

Little Ray is very correct...and I am a walking example of it working for the past 26 years! My husband was very honest about his bisexuality before we got married and as a result, I tried to be as open-minded as I possibly could. It took time and lots of talking and sharing, but it does work! And believe me, the advantages are not just his!!! They have been mine just as well!!! The imagination is a wonderful playground as long as both partners are willing to play together and to keep things as open and honest as possible. (a nicely stocked toy box doesn't hurt either! LOL!)

Hugs,
Kate

[HardRockClimb]

WOW -- Such great, heartfelt, and honest advice.
I agree with everyone's posting.

I'm 35, my wife is 31. I came out to her within our first few dates and she loved me all the more. We've been together for four years (married three). She considers herself bi too (although neither of us are into labels) and we're both monogamous. We express our bisexuality through fantasy, erotica, etc. It's wonderful.

We've talked about exploring a bit -- so who knows what the future will bring. I think as others have mentioned... being totally honest with yourself and having absolute honest communication with your partner is CRUCIAL. I think problems arise when one partner isn't being totally honest about their feelings.

We've talked about connecting with other bi couples...not for sex so much as just to be around like minded, kindred spirits. I think that helps affirm our own sexual identity and leads to expressing and celebrating who we are as sexual beings.

This has been a great discussion thread. I'm really glad websites and online communities like this are here.
--HRC

[justafriend]

Thanks to Kevin for starting this thread and to the responders for such great replies.

[kevin612]

Thank you very much for all of the advice. It is nice to know there is a place where you can talk to intelligent, insightful and thoughtful people on important topics such as these--it is very much appreciated.

Kevin

[NothingToSeeHere]

Wow, you and I are in the same boat!

I've been with my girl for ... a long time :) (ok, 7 years). I love her to death, but lately I'm having strong same sex feelings that I can't shake. I've always known that I've been sexually attracted to men, but I was able to satisfy those urges thru fantasies and porn. Lately, however, I'm finding sexual intimacy between the two of us is feeling "akward".

So, you might say "Hey, you are realizing you are gay and that's where it's coming from". And I'd say "You *might* be right". But, I have a hard time overlooking other aspects of being gay that I don't identify with. Mostly, I've never been attracted to a man (in a loving way) and don't find guys "hot" (I can appreciate someone and say he is a good looking man, but my attraction has always been with the sexual aspect ... or, things south-of-the-border). I can't envision saying "I love you" or holding hands like I do with my girl. Women are so soft and tender and men are so .... ugh, hairy and ... "manly". (BTW, a HUGE turnoff for me is effeminate men) The sexual attraction has always been there (ever since a little boy -- 28 now) but the loving attraction has NEVER been there.

I'm having a hard time deciding what I am -- kinda damned if I do, damned if I don't.

On one hand, the idea of having sex with a man is exciting, but the thought that it would come at the price of being alone is not something I'm terribly happy about. I say "alone" because once the sex is done, I'm not interesting in much more. And that KILLS me because I know sex is such a small part of the really IMPORTANT things in life (having someone to hold, protect, work for, bring you tea when you are sick, have fun with, etc)

On the other hand, staying with (and marrying, I can't put that off anymore) her and denying myself (I MUST be monogamous -- it is my nature) these urges might make me go crazy and resent her and end up screwing up her life. Again, not the best feeling in the world.

I guess I'm not answering your question, but further adding to the discussion with my questions and concerns in hopes that others can comment and we can both understand a little more (I'm new to this whole thing, I only told my girl about 3 weeks ago that "I might be gay. I might be bi. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM!")

[kevin612]

Wow, "NothingToSeeHere"....I am definitely relating to you 100%. I have the same feelings on the fact that I have physical attractions to men from the waist down and things like that, but I really don't have any romantic attraction to them. I really can't picture lying in bed with a man and talking about life and just *being* with a man....I have had that my whole life with women, but don't really imagine it being the same with a man. And like you I am a faithful person and so is my girlfriend so I know an open lifestyle just won't work for me. Also, I actually don't have a ton of male friends (maybe 3 or 4 good male friends) but none that I really bond with or play sports with or anything like that, and I sometimes wonder if that male-bonding thing is something that I am missing more than anything.....but I could be completely wrong about that.

It is a real source of anxiety and stress for me because I know I love my girl so much, but it so hard not to let something like this invade your mind and really make you worried and paranoid. Admittedly, I kind of have a problem with anxiety in general, so that doesn't help my case either....

Perhaps there is someone out there that can really answer those questions that you posed and somehow dissect what you were writing about your feelings, because I think I definitely share most of those thoughts.... I often feel like I am trying to pole-vault over this brick wall and can just barely make it over everytime....I have a sturdy pole and the physical strength, just not the knowledge and strength of mind to allow it to happen.... As soon as one day I feel like I have a better understanding of my problem, two days later, I will be back to being worried about it.

[NothingToSeeHere]

Kevin,

Nice to hear that someone is sharing my thoughts and concerns (I hope you can get the same feeling -- this place is great for that).

Your story is about as close as I've seen to the EXACT way I feel. In fact, substitute your name for mine and I would've believe I wrote your story. I also suffer from anxiety (runs on both sides of my family ... bummer) and panic attacks.

I'll PM you in a little while, but I wanted to add something to this conversation. (And, I have a sneaking suspion that you can agree)

This is the best analogy I've come up with so far (or is it metaphor? Ah, who cares, here goes):

I feel like I'm at a negotiating table with 3 people.

The 1st is my physical delegate. He looks at things in pure black-and-white. He doesn't care about relationships, he doesn't care about friendship, he cares about orgasms and how to achieve them. He puts phsycial satisfaction above everything else in life. Right now, he is saying "You want to have all kinds of kinky sex with a man and women aren't interesting anymore". "I will not allow you to have real (read: meaningful or "hot") sex with her until you satisfy my urges". "You must be with BOTH genders, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DEMAND". (Wow, he sounds scary ... :) )

The 2nd is my heart delegate. He is MUCH smarter than physical but focuses on different things. Heart says things like "You need love in your life. You need someone to work for (motivation). You need someone to care for you when you are sick, and someone you can care for when they are sick". Heart continues: "You love your girl. She loves you too. Unconditionally; she would do anything for you and you her. She will never cheat on you, and you will never cheat on her. You need her in your life because without it, you'd be nothing". (Much nicer ... :) )

Then, sitting in the middle, is the mediator ... my Mind. Mind doesn't really have an opinion, but just listens to both sides and tries to come to an agreement that both can live with. Mind recognizes that both pieces have an equal say in the outcome of life (BTW, something either side doesn't really care for -- both sides think they are "right"). Mind is in trouble ...

Well, that's the way I put a shape to the feelings I'm having. Mind realizes that we are at a stalemate and doesn't know what to do. Mind can't even "turn off" for a little while (even to the extent that I've had/remembered my dreams for the last 3 weeks .... something I NEVER do. It's getting annoying -- Mind can't even rest DURING REST).

Why did I go into all that? I don't know, but maybe it can help you think about the pieces inside you that may be at conflict. Also, maybe someone else can read that and worked past "the stalemate" .... and let us know how to do it.

Keep going Kevin -- I believe in you. I believe in myself, also, that I can and WILL come out of this better in the end. I've always been a strong-minded person (very logic thinking -- after all, I'm a software programmer!) but I'm finding that for the first time in my life, it isn't always a GOOD thing. I can't fool myself -- I'm too smart for that. I can't do anymore drugs -- they don't work anymore. I'm just sitting here ... at my table ... arguing my points over and over and not reaching an agreement.

Keep your head up and stiffen' that upper lip. We aren't bad people, just very confused and need to work it out. I'm T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D of the outcome; being a "half-empty" kinda guy I think that my wonderful relationship, my entire LIFE, will not be what I want it to be. But, I also (stop reading if you aren't religous ... I am, more so than I've ever been) know that God made me wonderful and loving -- I WILL find my way and be happy with the ends ... because that is the TRUE ME! God bless ya!

[csrakate]

Both of you sound as if you love your ladies a great deal but the only thing keeping you from moving on with them is an intense desire to experience some same sex sex! It's almost as if the mystique of the unknown is over-powering your sense of what you want and what you need!

As far as the sex between you and your lady friends becoming a bit boring and mundane...I can see why...You make up a song together describing it as such??? Have you ever considered talking to one another about your fantasies? Have you ever thought about sharing your innermost desire with your partner? Have you ever even considered that she may very well have similar desires and needs that aren't being met by you? It is very possible that the two of you can meet those desires for one another with a little role play, a few props and a great deal of imagination! Don't knock it until you try it!

It's time for you to have a very deep and honest discussion with not only yourselves but also with the ladies in your lives. You aren't being fair to anyone to drag this out any longer.

Also, I would be very happy to chat with the ladies in your lives in the event they have questions pertaining to life with a bisexual man. Just let me know.

Hugs,
Kate

[NothingToSeeHere]

[EDIT: csrakate ... not just kate -- sorry]

Thanks Kate! Another wonderful person here offering help.

I have opened up to her and told her everything. She is willing to do role playing, toys, etc etc. She agreed with me that sex is boring and she has lost interest in it also. And for brief moments, that excites me. But those feelings quickly go away and anxiety sets in again .... I'm a prisoner of my own mind.

I'm just scared. And when I'm scared, I'M REALLY SCARED. I like resolution -- not questions. I am a logical thinker; everything has an answer in my world, you just have to sit down and figure it out step-by-step. However, that logical thinking that has taken me my 28 years so far is know my undoing.

See, in my mind, other aspects of my life are black-and-white. In my profession (programmer), I have a problem to solve, I don't necessarily know the answer, but I gather facts and work with that until I have a solution. I tried applying the same principle to my situation here ... but there is one major flaw. There are NO FACTS -- nothing that I can point to and say 'Yeah, that's a fact'. I used to think that 1 fact I DID have was ... I LOVE HER. Now, I'm even questioning that. Am I just COMFORTABLE with her? Is it we've been together for so long that she has become my best friend? Where are the butterflies of years past? When I kiss her, is it just lips pressing on one another or is it "A Kiss"?

I don't even know what feelings are attached to love anymore. (ok, now I'm crying ... ) And, without love, what the hell is the point of it all? Why, so I can make a blazillion dollars (I've worked hard and have more money than I EVER thought I'd make ... and I'm only 28) and spend it on bigger and bigger TVs?

Ok, that's enough. This is where the response will go REALLY downhill if I don't. Again, thanks Kate. I'm not looking for sympthy, just good to point my thoughts out on "paper" and look at them.

[bibon]

It is absolutely possible and wonderful to know you are bisexual and married. My husband is not bisexual. Love is strong, sex is strong. Its great to know yourself.

[taz67156]

I've got to agree with everyone else cause it is possible to be married and bisexual even though I'm in the first year of marriage my spouse is bi and I'm straight but her looking at other females doesn't bother me any I even tease her about some of the females that she looks at.

you have already done something that is good telling her that you are bisexual weather you act on it or not is only up to you just remember to be honest with yourself and other cause something good can happen out of it.

[SLIMES]

I have had these attractions for quite a while now and have never felt the need to cheat on my partner or go behind her back.


How is that really different to a straight guy?

[bearisbare]

My wife and I knew from the beginning about the other. From that moment on until now, two of the most important words in our vocabularies have been honesty and communication. She knows about whatever is around my life and vice versa. I couldn't imagine it, and wouldn't want it, any other way.

[jaglvr]

I literally just found and joined this site and the very first string I come to is exactly what I joined for. I am 27 and married for almost six years. We've been together for over seven. I even have kids. I am Bi and always have been. She has always known this and has even helped me hook up with guys in the past.
Monogamy was never really the problem in my relationship. Although I did cheat once with a woman. It was the worst mistake I ever made. It took three years for her to forgive me. The problem more is that she is straight and doesn't completely understand my bisexuality. It has always made her feel inadequate in a way because she feels can never fulfill me. She is not entirely wrong in feeling that way. I can't settle for toys or fantasies, I need the real thing. Consequently she is often convinced I am cheating which I, of course, am not despite the track record.
Other clashes of personality have slowly eroded our marriage as well as my job in the Navy. Today I would say we are an argument away from divorce. Honesty about sexuality is in no way difficult for us but I think that all our other problems stem at least partially from my bisexualty. She was accepting and supportive in the beginning but slowly this wedge grew between us.

It is all more complicated than these couple paragraphs of course, and I hope I haven't scared you out of marriage but I would say from my own experience that monogamy will not be your problem most likely. She will want all of you and can never have it. She has to be able to live with that and some suitable compromise to appease your "other side". It can all spiral down a slippery slope if you aren't careful.
Only my opinion of course and I can't claim success.

[CountryLover]

My husband and I are both bisexual. We married in July after a whirlwind courtship. He's very monogamous, I am not. I already had an established relationship with my beloved (bi-married) girlfriend of almost a year.

Ken wanted an exclusive relationship from our first blind date. It was a serious struggle for me to even think about being monogamous again after maintaining multiple relationships for the past 10 plus years. He was patient with me, accepting of my f/f relationship, not pressuring me in any way.

When we became engaged in early July, I realized I had to honor his committment to me by giving him the same loyalty. I had a very difficult talk with my girlfriend about ending the sexual part of our relationship, and thankfully she took it well.

For my part, I deal with it. Yes, sometimes I long for the sexual intimacy we used to have. I can talk to Ken about it and he understands the yearning I feel, which helps a lot. Thankfully it seems to come in cycles, like the tides. When the yearning is strong, I know "this too shall pass". This was a choice I made as a gift to him out of love.

For himself, he says he is much like y'all have described here - he likes the sexual side of a m/m connection, but his emotional side is fulfilled in our relationship. Because we're both open to the many varied forms of making love, he says I keep him satiated and fulfilled. :tong:

I told him about this discussion, and he said to tell you guys that if you have a willing open partner whom you can enjoy versatile lovemaking, and talk openly with, that you need to look REALLY hard at messing that up.

Have your lovers participate more in anal sex, both in giving and receiving. Have them talk through fantasies with you. Ken says he really enjoys it when I take control of our lovemaking and "dom" him a little, and allow him to relax and be "topped". It gives good expression to my masculine side and his fem side at the same time. Win/Win all the way around :bibounce: