Trying again, please read.

[holybane]

After viewing a few more posts on this site and having the pleasure of talking to a few more people I have thought it prudent to reevaluate myself. As it stands I have bi tendencies, I have little to no experience with the male gender and have only experienced with one person of the female gender. I don’t know if I would be classified as bi then as I only classify myself based on my feeling, desires, and fantasies.

I am in a relationship with a straight girl who thought about being bi a few times but she’s not interested anymore. She does not want me to do anything with anyone else for reasons personal to her and that I do not want to divulge here. She loves me and I love her. And I know some of you right now will say I’m just young and I think it’s love but it’s definitely love for us. Still, I am attracted to others and would like to experience friendship, sex, and other things with other people.

So far I have not cheated on her, though I came close to, and I am very ashamed of that. It was a horrible point in my life and it haunts me everyday. I do not want to fulfill my wants behind her back, I want to her to approve or at least support me, and she does neither. She knows I am bi, I have told her everything, but she is adamant and I do not blame her. I love her and I don’t want to hurt her but does become very difficult to want and never have or get close to having.

I had a purpose in writing this; I just don’t remember what it was. I would just like input I guess. I am not allowed to cyber (I’m not very interested in it anyway), I am allowed to talk about sex but I don’t like to because most of the time people just want to cyber. I just like to talk, about almost anything, and I hope for some input here that might help me to make sense of what I am doing on this site.

Thank you,
Roger

[Star Gazer]

A commitment to one person is fine. Finding love is great. Sometimes the love you have is worth much more than the lust you feel for someone else.

I am a bi male and have had many men in my life and a few women. I was married for about 20 years till my ex wife started cheating. She left me for a couple she met. That lasted about 2 months, and long enough to get divorced.

If she expects your relationship to be just you and her, and her love is important to you, than if you try for the fun, you just may loose her.

Couples in open relationships who like to share in three somes or four somes can handle the other people.

Search your heart, think with you mind not your penis. I know when my penis is hard it is difficult to think about anything else.

[Herbwoman39]

You have to do what's right for you. If it's being with her then you've got to find a healthy outlet for your same sex desires or you're going to implode!

What troubles me is some of your verbage. You say you're not "allowed" to cyber. Is this your choice? If she's trying to control your behavior then perhaps you should consider taking another look at the reasons you're in this relationship.

You've got to take care of you first. If you're not happy, then why maintain the relationship at all?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol holybane... nobody can truly judge what is love and what is not... let no person tell you if you love somebody or not lol

ok i do think that your partner and you have reached a point where communication has taken place...and compromise is the next step

you admit to having bisexual tendencies and it sounds like your partner has said NO, on no uncertain terms, to you exploring or knowing yourself on any deeper level... now the thing is she needs to put herself in your shoes, and ask herself, how she would react to being told its your rules ONLY

i am sitting here and I get some closed feelings around your partner....that simply means that she bottles up things a lot and she finds that stability for her, is achieved by not having to deal with situations that shake her world
she is not doing it to get at you, but more to protect you and herself against things that she feels she is not ready or able to deal with

I am gonna give some advice for her, and I know, it seems strange but...

tell her its ok to cry and feel emotional....but not to take responsibility for that, that she never created... we are often told to be the victim, of others actions... but instead we are survivors of our own choices, not the choices others made for us
trust and honesty is something that comes with time...and freedom does not mean losing something.. much like the falcon that is loyal to its nature, but also its handler.... the handler will allow it to roam freely... and the falcon will willingly return of its own choice, yet it is by nature a bird of freedom and free roaming, not a bird that needs a handler
she loves you for you as she wishs to see you... not as who you are or could be and thats not wrong.... but it doesn't allow her to love the whole you, and that becomes the reverse for you...you end up not being able to love the whole her, as you don't get to see all of her..... bisexuality and multi partners opens up aspects of the relationship, but it also opens up aspects of each person in the relationship... we become fuller people and more deeper emotionally and mentally... that in turn gives our love more room to grow and evolve into the deeper type love that we can refer to as soulmate love

holybane....if your partner refuses to bend slightly in regards to your bisexuality, don't push her or force her in any way...its like hobbling a horse and asking it to gallop... give it time and one day things may change for the better or the worse.....but the love will not die....

bisexuality is not the be all to end all..... 90% of bisexuality is expressed thru sexual contact.....and we learn to live without a million dollars in the bank and its the same with bi sex....we may crave it, miss it and want it... but we will never die for lack of it

[mannysg]

I can understand your situation. My wife doesn't want me to have sexual contact with anyone else, male or female. I have no desire to have sex with a woman other then her, but would like to have sex with a guy again. Her reason for this is jealousy. Yes, it frustrates me a little that I can't explore my bisexuality, but my our relationship is more important than a little bisexual fun. She shares my fantasies, i.e. in fantasy land she likes the thought of watching me & another man have sex, but in reality she knows she wouldn't be able to handle it in real life at this point in our life. But one never knows what will transpire in the future. I do hope that at some point she opens up to allow me to "play" on occasion, but if not, oh well.

Anyhow, we must all determine what our priorities in life are. If exploring your bisexuality is important enough for you to risk losing the relationship with your girlfriend, then do it. If the relationship is more importnat, then don't foll around. Only you can decide what's importnat in your life. What's important to me isn't the same as what's importnat to someone else.

[bibottom30064]

I would echo Herbwoman's remark about what you are "allowed" to do. If you accept that then fine. You have an opportunity to turn your back on your bi leanings and try for a 100% straight existence


I wish you all the best (61 years of experience tell me you are climbing a steep hill)

[LoveLion]

Ill be very brief:

Love before Sex.

[Avocado]

Sounds to me like she's very accepting of the fact your bisexual (you should of been there when I told my fiancee though she's fine about it now). I think cyber is a bit of a dodgy ground to be on and it is with a real person, even though they're at the other end of some line. So I wouldn't equate it with her thinking she can tell you what you can and can't do. Other than that, you basically have a choice to settle down with her or leave her and experiment. It sounds to me through experience that she's the one thing in the world you really want. My advise would be don't lose it because you might regret losing her when you realise it's too late to know she was what you wanted more than anything.

[deremarc]

First off, I would say to give her time. The end result may not be what you want, but remember...the bisexual in a relationship has had plenty of time to think about what they want and to come to terms with it...and this process sometimes takes years.

When this information is disclosed to the straight partner, instant results are desired. Accept this..now! Accept ME...now! And now that you accept me and still love me, I want sex with other people..now.

I remember the old ploy of highschool boys...if you love me, you'll have sex with me. My older sister actually fell for that one! My mom told me, and I told my daughter, if they love you...they can wait for you to be ready.

It is really two sides of a coin...I read posts that say if the straight partner loves you...they will accept you...won't want to keep you from exploring yourself or knowing yourself...(and they are selfish and not worth your time if they do)

And, the opposite side of the coin would also hold true...if you love them, you will accept them...you won't want to hurt them to get what you want for yourself....(and you would be selfish if you did).

I'm not saying either of those is completely true. It is not as simple as that. We are dealing with very basic, animal needs and wants versus very real fears here.

It is not about whether someone loves you or not....it is not as simple as I love you so I want you to pursue your interest in being in a band, or I don't care if your clothes never match....those things don't hurt the other person.

Love is probably the deciding factor in whether the straight partner allows freedom to the bisexual partner, or whether the bisexual partner remains monogamous for the straight partner.

Sadly, love can not always cure everything. It just can't. If you have a true "need" to be with men (as opposed to a desire for a little fun) and she has a "need" for monogamy (as opposed to it just makes her a little nervous or uncomfortable)...then you can end at a stalemate.

I take exception to people being upset that you are not "allowed" to cyber. Of course there are boundaries in relationships. The way I put them to my partner was this...you have the right to decide what you need and want...decide the things you will not bend on...and I have the right to decide what I can and cannot accept. BOTH people in a relationship deserve respect and acceptance.

Perhaps, if the sacrifice is too great for either party to make, the relationship will not survive...love or not. Never a decision to be made lightly, on either side.

[holybane]

First of all, I'd like to thank you all for your ideas and opinions, and agree with almost all of them, to an extent. The focus of this is not the cybering thing, I don't really want to do it anyway, and she is just a very jealous person (which is more than okay!).

I love her and I'm going to stay with her, I'm not thinking or leaving her and by no means am I thinking of cheating on her. I just wanted some information, some examples of similar relationships, how the ended or if they still happen. I have gotten more than a few responses and all have been helpful. I don't just want to fool around, I want a friend (of mine and hers), who can be a friend through and through and who is such a friend that they can know I'm bisexual, accept that, and if they are too, maybe (if my girlfriend would permit it) we could excercise those desires.

Right now our relationship is give and take, but mostly one way. I've given up a lot for this relationship and she has given up very little. The opportunities she gets by being with me are often squandered, but I still love her and accept that most often it is mistakes, not intentional. She doesn't mean to not give to the relationship, I just can't bear to see her sad or upset and so I usually give up what I want, and recently I have seen that it is causing problems. I just want to have some of my freedom and still be with her. Any more comments would be extremely helpful, I don't want to lose her, I can't, but I don't want to lose me either.

Thank you once again,
Roger

[twodelta]

Hey Roger - bibottom30064 makes a good point. Having been in two relationships like You describe, I can tell You that You are definately climbing a steep hill. I also agree with deremarc, in that sometimes, love just isn't enough to keep a relationship alive.

After my second relationship like Yours, I realized that I could not respect myself if I let myself be controlled like that by someone else, irregardless of my emotional feelings. And let me tell You brother, if You can't love Yourself, You can't love anyone else. What I've said to You is not meant so much as advise, but as "food for thought". Take a bite, savor it, digest it, and someday You will truely accept and be at peace with who You are. Only then can You accept and be at peace with someone else. Just remember, as You pointed out, You are young and have only had one real relationship. You still have alot of life to live, and many friendships and relationships to experience. Don't let this one way so heavy on Your heart. I started dating when I was 17. Two marraiges and twenty years later, I finely found my soulmate. We have friends as a couple, and we each have our own friends. We allow ourselves the space that we each need to feel like the unique individuals that we are, while at the same time, loving each other more than life itself.

And now I will give some advise. You are just beginning Your lifes journey, lighten up a little and enjoy the ride. Surround Yourself with people who will love and support You instead of people who want to shape and mold You. Good luck, peace and love - Dave

[Avocado]

I'm sorry to hear that the controlling thing applies in general. It's a very grey area because it happens in all relationships, and I'm not sure if anyone really knows how much is too much. I'm in my 1st serious relationship as an adult and we intend to spend the rest of our lives together. For me to be able to comment on the controlling you would really need to list what ways she tried to control you and what ways, if any, you try to control her. But it's very private so I won't ask and you don't have to if you don't want to.

[holybane]

The control is actually a little odd. She doesn't say "You CAN'T do this," she just gets really depressed or sad looking when I do something she doesn't like. She also says "You can do it if you want..." and then gives me this look like she wants to die. It applies to whether I want to watch a movie or not, whether I'm ready for bed, if I have to study late, major life decisions, whether to spend money or not, she says she's not trying to force me to do what she wants but it seems like I either do what she wants or risk breaking her heart.

[Avocado]

The control is actually a little odd. She doesn't say "You CAN'T do this," she just gets really depressed or sad looking when I do something she doesn't like. She also says "You can do it if you want..." and then gives me this look like she wants to die. It applies to whether I want to watch a movie or not, whether I'm ready for bed, if I have to study late, major life decisions, whether to spend money or not, she says she's not trying to force me to do what she wants but it seems like I either do what she wants or risk breaking her heart.

3 words mate - she's a woman ;) sounds familiar. Don't quite get the bit about her not wanting you to study. Does she not want what's best for you, the best chance she can get to get your half of the keep?

[bicpl4u]

Above all, be true to yourself! We were both in previous relationships where our ex's ruled our sex lives. I'm not talking about some occaisional sexual frustration. Neither of us had any sexual freedom. Since we've met and married, we've never been happier. We express ourselves freely; we've explored our bi desires; and above all, we're deeply in love. Sounds to me like you're nowhere near unconditional love. Sometimes the right decisions are the toughest to make. Listen to your heart. With or without her, be happy!

[twodelta]

3 words mate - she's a woman ;)

Hey Avocado, that behavior is not gender specific. I've known gays that were control freaks also. I've known guys that could do the eye roll and pout thing better than any woman. - Dave

[twodelta]

The control is actually a little odd. She doesn't say "You CAN'T do this," she just gets really depressed or sad looking when I do something she doesn't like. She also says "You can do it if you want..." and then gives me this look like she wants to die. It applies to whether I want to watch a movie or not, whether I'm ready for bed, if I have to study late, major life decisions, whether to spend money or not, she says she's not trying to force me to do what she wants but it seems like I either do what she wants or risk breaking her heart.

Hey holybane - When I replied before, I resisted the urge to be blunt, but I find it difficult to continue to do so. How can You be concerned with breaking her heart when she evidently doesn't have a problem with breaking Your spirit? Unless You're a masochist, I can't see You ever being happy in this relationship. - Dave

[holybane]

You guys are so nice! Thank you for the comments, and I think I'm going to work with her, or try to, see what I can do. I think that she might be able to give a little and then maybe everything will be a lot better, I don't think I'll ever be "free" so to speak but at least I'll be with the one I unconditionally love and be able to explore some. Everyone has been so helpful and I think I just need to make her understand how and what I feel. I think it will work. Thank you. If you have anything else to say I'm all ears.

Thanks,
Roger

[mannysg]

Hey holybane - When I replied before, I resisted the urge to be blunt, but I find it difficult to continue to do so. How can You be concerned with breaking her heart when she evidently doesn't have a problem with breaking Your spirit? Unless You're a masochist, I can't see You ever being happy in this relationship. - Dave

My take on his situation isn't that she was trying to break his spirit. I understood it as her being too jealous to handle him exploring his bisexuality on a physical level, and therefore is unconfortable with him doing ohter things (cyber, etc.) for fear of it becoming something physical or emotional.

My wife won't "allow" me to explore my bisexuality on a phisical level with anyone, only because she fears getting jealous and it causing problems. DO I like her stance? No! HOWEVER, I respect it. I also know that jealousy can cause serious problems in a relationship, so her honesty with me (and herself) isn't her "not allowing" me to do anything, it's her not wanting anytning to hurt our relationship.

I am very happy in my relationship with my wife. Yes, I would LOVE to go to bed with another man, even if it was only once. But she doesn't feel that she could handle any jealous feelings that might arise in her. To make up for it, she will often fantasize with me about me & another man together, i.e. talk about me sucking him, him sucking me, him taking my anal virginity, etc. Sometime she will be giving me a BJ while we fantasize about it, sometimes she will be giving me a hand-job while we talk about me & a man together. This doesn't fulfill my physical desires, but it does help to take the edge off.

[twodelta]

My take on his situation isn't that she was trying to break his spirit. I understood it as her being too jealous to handle him exploring his bisexuality on a physical level, and therefore is unconfortable with him doing ohter things (cyber, etc.) for fear of it becoming something physical or emotional

Hey mannysg - Seems to me that Your relationship and holybanes relationship are very different. holybanes mate not only wants to control his sexual identity, but also when and what he spends money on, when he studies, and even when he is "ready for bed". That relationship seems pretty lopsided to me. - Dave

[mannysg]

Hey mannysg - Seems to me that Your relationship and holybanes relationship are very different. holybanes mate not only wants to control his sexual identity, but also when and what he spends money on, when he studies, and even when he is "ready for bed". That relationship seems pretty lopsided to me. - Dave



HHmm... I missed that in this thread, but now that I've re-read it, I see what you mean. Given that, I agree with you. Relationships should be give & take, not just one sided giving.

Les

[holybane]

Twodelta and Mannysg, I appreciate both your points of view, and although I sometimes agree and have thought of seeking out someone else, I just can't. I can barely stand to be away from her much less break up with her. I really am in love, real love, and it's not easy to walk away from that. I haven't talked to her yet extensively about our options, but I will, very soon. I'm afraid of this whole thing but I want to be able to be me, so I'm going to try.

Thanks,
Roger

[ancestral]

your in love which is great, your not allowing yourself to grow which is not great, but its a decision you have to make and it seems you have so good for you, however, something to help you cope with not being able to have a man, talk to her about experimenting with just the two of you during sex, she can stimulate you much the same way a man can, though its not the same it is a close second. by experimenting i mean stimulation that you wouldnt normally get from a woman, even so far as to use strap-ons, though i would suggest getting comfortable with her in new situations first. last minute thought, a great resource ive found for maintaining healthy relationships is called loversguide.com check it out and read it with your girlfriend, she can learn as much as you.

[PolyLoveTriad]

People who have posted all have great thoughts on the matter. I say, you have to be who you are. If youre bi, youre attracted to both men and women, thats who you are. Repressing it, trying to not think about it, not acting on your feelings, thats not going to make things easier, and it surely wont keep your relationship together either. You are who you are. Id say to try talking to her again, tell her that you love her, and if she loves you also, she will allow you to be who you are. Maybe you can find another bi male who will also love her, and the 3 of you can be happy together.
In any way you look at it, you are young, all that means is you lack the experience but that will come in time. Its not easy, but youll figure it all out :) I wish you luck in everything you do! :bipride:

[Avocado]

Hey Avocado, that behavior is not gender specific. I've known gays that were control freaks also. I've known guys that could do the eye roll and pout thing better than any woman. - Dave

I know what you mean and to be honest, I think in general our faults may be worse anyway.

[CountryLover]

The control is actually a little odd. She doesn't say "You CAN'T do this," she just gets really depressed or sad looking when I do something she doesn't like. She also says "You can do it if you want..." and then gives me this look like she wants to die. It applies to whether I want to watch a movie or not, whether I'm ready for bed, if I have to study late, major life decisions, whether to spend money or not, she says she's not trying to force me to do what she wants but it seems like I either do what she wants or risk breaking her heart.

Holybane, you've given an almost text book perfect definition of manipulative behavior.

I was married for 26 lonnnngggggggggg years to a master of manipulation, and all I can tell you is that it made for a very dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. And yes, we were in love and all that sweet stuff before we got married.

I hope you'll seek counseling or do some serious reading and studying before making a life committment.